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A Message from Michele
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Re: A year on and standing 2 [Re: ToSmile] #2918544
05/05/21 01:11 PM
05/05/21 01:11 PM
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SteveLW Offline
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I like the looking forward. That is a big part of DBing. DBing is about controlling what you can control, and giving up control on things you cannot. I know this was my biggest struggle. Trying to control my sitch, my MR, my wife, the past, the cat (lol), was exhausting. And due to being impossible it made me an angry, bitter man, and that affected every relationship and aspect of my life.

So understanding that the past is locked in, and that the future is the only thing you can impact is a good understanding.

Keep working ToSmile! You are moving forward, that is the whole goal.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: A year on and standing 2 [Re: ToSmile] #2918588
05/06/21 03:12 AM
05/06/21 03:12 AM
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ToSmile Offline OP
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Hi Steve,

Yes the looking forward part. Recently I do feel myself much more happier and lighter when I take that approach. It was also really the sharing by you & LH that really hit the spot and made me see some light.

I am thinking that although I am good at planning, it also seems that I am trying to ensure everything falls into my plan and that is also the need to control. I may think that I am doing it for the good of everyone but in fact it's more like for me.

So I let go. I start to embrace uncertainty, the unknown. I take it easier on myself. Accepting the thoughts that hey, it might not be that bad after all for the children even if we split. I know for sure my finance situation will improve, I will have more freedom, I don't need to be accountable to her standards, nor do I need to be concern about what I like to do which she does not approve of previously, I would not need to consider for her feelings and best of all, I would not need to face that long pulling / disapproving face at me.

In fact, thanks to her, I do also feel that any random opposite gender stranger shows more kindness to me than she does. It may be also due to that she was so insecure that I actually refrain from mingling much with friends of the opposite sex and with my experience, I shut off. Maybe this is the part LH mentioned about that my view of withdrawing from another commitment will change overtime. If I start to accept it and move on from here.


M:38 W:38
T:14 M: 12
S:9 S:6
BD: 07/18
W Moved out: 5/19
W Moved in: 7/19
D draft received: 12/19
Re: A year on and standing 2 [Re: ToSmile] #2918597
05/06/21 01:06 PM
05/06/21 01:06 PM
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LH19 Offline
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Originally Posted by ToSmile
Maybe this is the part LH mentioned about that my view of withdrawing from another commitment will change overtime.

Right now you view every woman as being like your W. You have the opposite of the rose colored classes. That will change with time if and when you get away from your W and see that every woman does not feel that way towards you. When you first start dating it's weird at first to comprehend that another woman is interested in how yous day was and interested in your life and hobbies.

I have a unhappily married friend who I tell my dating stories and he once told me "if a woman every said that to me I would lay down on the floor and weep with joy". As you can imagine he is bitter towards women right now. He has no idea what is instore for him when he gets out of his mess.

You are young so if you want to see high it plays out and DB some more it is totally understandable. Just keep your expectations at zero and keep working on yourself.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: A year on and standing 2 [Re: ToSmile] #2919148
05/24/21 05:33 AM
05/24/21 05:33 AM
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ToSmile Offline OP
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Like to seek some opinions here.

Although I am not yet ready to trigger the filing from my end, I am feel like telling my wife that I have decided to withdraw from fighting with her on the overnight care taking of the kids.

So don't let that be the reason if it was, to hold her back from filing the papers. Because the last round she brought the matter up, that was what she said.

Or should I just keep these comments to myself and only bring it up when she initiates filing again?


M:38 W:38
T:14 M: 12
S:9 S:6
BD: 07/18
W Moved out: 5/19
W Moved in: 7/19
D draft received: 12/19
Re: A year on and standing 2 [Re: ToSmile] #2919149
05/24/21 12:27 PM
05/24/21 12:27 PM
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SteveLW Offline
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Originally Posted by ToSmile
Like to seek some opinions here.

Although I am not yet ready to trigger the filing from my end, I am feel like telling my wife that I have decided to withdraw from fighting with her on the overnight care taking of the kids.

So don't let that be the reason if it was, to hold her back from filing the papers. Because the last round she brought the matter up, that was what she said.

Or should I just keep these comments to myself and only bring it up when she initiates filing again?


ToSmile, I find that words never convey the meaning that actions do. So let me flip this around, what does withdrawing from fighting with her on overnight care taking of the kids look like to you? What are you going to DO DIFFERENTLY to withdraw from fighting with her.

I find most LBSs use words to try to effect change in their WAS. It is a matter of trying to control the uncontrollable. That is why action is so important. Because it keeps the change in the realm of what you can control: yourself.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: A year on and standing 2 [Re: ToSmile] #2919150
05/24/21 12:56 PM
05/24/21 12:56 PM
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Originally Posted by ToSmile
Although I am not yet ready to trigger the filing from my end, I am feel like telling my wife that I have decided to withdraw from fighting with her on the overnight care taking of the kids.


The question I have is why do it if you are not ready to pull the trigger?


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: A year on and standing 2 [Re: ToSmile] #2919154
05/24/21 02:08 PM
05/24/21 02:08 PM
Joined: May 2019
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ToSmile Offline OP
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I seem to be at a stage that my consciousness is fighting against my feelings.

I get that feelings at times that is growing strong telling me to f it taking it as how she had been treating this whole deal and such.

But at other times, when I see my kids, I feel kinda torn to put them through what is to come. Yeah I know it may be better for them as well but I do not think I am brace enough for the emotions that gonna hit them once I carry this forward.

But at times, I really feel like telling her, itís ok. I accede to what u want. Iíll just do the filing as you does not seem to be able to realise it and Iíll see it through.

As I was think about the above earlier today, something happened too.

I was chilling at somewhere near my place and I saw her car returning. She was like desperate for a parking lot, driving into an illegal lot and parked the car there. After a while, another car pulled up. She jump out from her car and hop onto the car.

I was kinda far away this I could not make out much details but I reckon it was a male driver. However she got back home about an hour later. Frankly I do not like what I see. I canít be bothered about who it was and whatís the reason but I do feel it somehow triggered me.

Then when I got home, she wa trying to mess around with the boys playing with tj and got them loud and excited past bedtime. Something she always chided me for when I did so. I just told them to tone down and get ready for bed. I do feel that some of these actions are out of the norm. I donít know. I just donít like it and the feeling of not putting up with it grew strong in me.

I intend to start making my plans and drawing up my timeline to serve. Spoken to my elder boy also. To my surprise, he would rather we split as he felt my wife being the aggravator most of the time and we are all not happy. Though he would much prefer we are like what we once were. He weeped silently when he said these. Then the younger one still prefer we remain as family.

But my heart is driving closer to serving. I just feel that, she is testing my patience and why should I put up with these when she seems to be testing the limits?

Thatís my feeling now. Thus I thought to tell her and get it moving. Though I am not ready at this point in time to be the initiator, I have no qualms to respond in acceptance if she initiated


M:38 W:38
T:14 M: 12
S:9 S:6
BD: 07/18
W Moved out: 5/19
W Moved in: 7/19
D draft received: 12/19
Re: A year on and standing 2 [Re: ToSmile] #2919156
05/24/21 02:42 PM
05/24/21 02:42 PM
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Originally Posted by ToSmile
I was chilling at somewhere near my place and I saw her car returning. She was like desperate for a parking lot, driving into an illegal lot and parked the car there. After a while, another car pulled up. She jump out from her car and hop onto the car.

I was kinda far away this I could not make out much details but I reckon it was a male driver. However she got back home about an hour later. Frankly I do not like what I see. I canít be bothered about who it was and whatís the reason but I do feel it somehow triggered me.

TS 95% of these situations involve a third party. If this is the ammo you need to get it done you can certainly confirm your suspicions.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: A year on and standing 2 [Re: ToSmile] #2919177
05/25/21 12:46 AM
05/25/21 12:46 AM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 80
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ToSmile Offline OP
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Couple of things happened recently that I am kinda inclined to trust my feelings than giving the benefit of doubts:

1. She removed me from one of her social media accounts.

2. Her parents seem exceptionally nice to me... however behind the niceties, I sensed apologetic vibes. It gives me a feeling that they might know something but keeping it from me. But well, their her parents. Can't blame them.

3. She always has a going out routine. Even during this Covid period where most areas are shut, she seems to have somewhere to go.

4. Just like yesterday, while she was parking the cark, I just had a hunch that I'll see something if I just sit there and wait. Thus I did.

Thus yesterday, I also deliberately shift the car to a normal lot which I told her. And she seemed awkward after that. I just act as normal and proceed with my things.

I would like to think that even though it might not be what I thought yesterday, she is constantly trying to look out for someone, and yeah taking us as Plan B.


M:38 W:38
T:14 M: 12
S:9 S:6
BD: 07/18
W Moved out: 5/19
W Moved in: 7/19
D draft received: 12/19
Re: A year on and standing 2 [Re: ToSmile] #2919178
05/25/21 02:31 AM
05/25/21 02:31 AM
Joined: Jul 2020
Posts: 244
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BL42 Offline
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Trust your gut! Unfortunately it seems peoples' intuitions are usually proven correct in these cases. And especially if she picked an parking spot and quickly/secretively got into a car with another person. Where there's smoke there's usually fire.


Me:39 W:36
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:2
BD/IHS/Suspect OM: 2/15/20
Discovered EA & PA: 3/5/20
W/OM1's work & OM1's W know: 5/20
W moves out: 6/20-7/20
W w/OM2: 6/20-7/20
W files for D: 7/20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
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