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Originally Posted by ovrrnbw
Mumin,

Steve isn't saying that you flat out want to meet the OM when he said this :

Originally Posted by Steve85
If you are truly concerned about your children, rather than trying to institute two week notice rules and other things that cannot be enforced, you would ask to meet the OM.


I think he was saying if you're really worried then meet him, but you are actually worried about something else, right?

I wouldn't worry at all about the OM. He's an idiot and their affair is not dating or relationship and it's not going anywhere. Just let it go and worry about you and the kids.


Correct. I was saying that would be more productive than insisting her she agree to rules that she is under no obligation to follow.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
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Originally Posted by Mumin

You're idea of talking to OM is really a good idea. Thank You!
Though I would need some real mental preparation for something like that.


Really - The outcoming being what ?

Even if he is a total jerk, you have very little say in what your WAW does when she has the kids. Hence you cant control it, and you will just get yourself worked up further.


Originally Posted by Mumin

You guys helped me process this with some logic and reason.


Sorry, but there is no logic or reason here. You are frustrated / angry about OM meeting the children - Get it, but if thats what the WAW wants, thats what she will do - regardless of you or what you say.

So i will just come back to my previous post !

Originally Posted by MrBrside

You cant control her, so why try - let her crash down in front of the children... They will see it eventually and make their own minds up. The focus is you being the better parent - Learn from her screw ups and be the rock.


drop the control - you can't !

Watch and learn ! Let her be the &^&* with multiple partners - The kids will see it, and respond accordingly. You watch, listen and learn from what you see - and then when you eventually do meet your next partner, you don't act the way she did.. Dopamine and butterflys will tell your head one thing - you reflect back on this and ensure you stay the rock for the children.


Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..

Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
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Mumin Offline OP
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Thanks for everyone's responses! Thank you Steve, Ovr, MrB, CW, LH, Spiral!
I really appreciate everything you write. Like I mentioned earlier I am talking less and less about sitch with people so this forum is very important for venting and staying on course.

I think there may be some misunderstanding again. Anyway what MY thought on meeting OM was, was this.
IF she intends to introduce him as her new man and someone that my kids will live with, then it would be a good idea to meet him. Though as mentioned that is for the future.

Journaling and question (s):
Been working and taking time to myself the last few days, lots of gym, some reading and some golf.
Not as much work as I though so I have had brief moments of anxiety or sorrow when I had nothing to do.
Almost NC. Only contact was about kids.
She mentioned she is going abroad nest week. I just said: OK, have fun.
Then there was a video call with the kids, similar to the one last week when the kids were with me.
They were in the car and I was having coffee with my brother so it was very short.
Apparently they redecorated the house.


Last Sunday I found a paper from father in-law saying he will give her a advance on heritage and a sum of money.
Not enough to buy an apartment but substantial. My guess is she will just spend it.
However she still owes me like +$1500.

On top of this I have found a small house that would be perfect for me and the girls. They are not often for sale and they are showing it on the 9th of august.

I am considering typing something like:
I would like us to finish the economical parts of the D.
The longer we delay it the harder it will be.
You need to make a decision on the house first because that decides how we split almost everything else.
As things are now we have agreed will not work so I will look at a house on the 9th and if everything looks right I might want to make an offer.
You also owe me X and I saw you got some money from your dad.

Whats your thoughts on sending something like that?

(For others reading I have suggested (and arranged with bank) to buy her share of the house but I can only afford it at about 5-10% below market value.)


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Quote
Anyway what MY thought on meeting OM was, was this.
IF she intends to introduce him as her new man and someone that my kids will live with, then it would be a good idea to meet him. Though as mentioned that is for the future.


I haven't read the other's responses, so I may repeat what they've already said. Although most people could empathize with a parent feeling anxious about new adults being introduced into their children's lives (via the wayward spouse), the cold hard truth of the matter is there is very little you can do about it. She has the freedom to bring her friends and lovers around her children. I don't know if it is a law everywhere, but in my state, it is unlawful for two unmarried adults to fornicate under the same roof where there are minors. Frankly, I don't see this law being enforced in this day & time, but I suppose the LBS could use it for grounds to have sole custody, IDK. Still, she'd have visitation rights, and how could you control who meets your children while with her?

What I'm saying is that without some type of legal action or something written in the divorce decree, I don't think there is much you can actually do to control who your WW introduces to the children. I know of one case where the divorce decree or custody papers stated that if the mother brought a man to stay in the home (for obvious reasons), the father would have full physical custody of the children until they were 18. And, funny enough, that's just what happened!

My question to you is, how do you envision meeting OM? Do you plan to ask him questions, in order to evaluate whether or not he is fit to be around your kids? Do you not think he would be instantly defensive, maybe making things worse (depending on the depravity of the individual)? What happens after you meet him? Talk to your WW about how it makes you feel?

Before you jump, I suggest you research your state laws regarding this subject.

(((hugs)))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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sandi, our new friend Indy could really use your help in his thread.


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Thanks for posting Sandi, you know you have my heart and my full attention.
Nice to see you back on the boards and I agree with Steve about indy.

Quote
My question to you is, how do you envision meeting OM? Do you plan to ask him questions, in order to evaluate whether or not he is fit to be around your kids? Do you not think he would be instantly defensive, maybe making things worse (depending on the depravity of the individual)? What happens after you meet him? Talk to your WW about how it makes you feel?


First off I am completely aware I can only control and even influence 50% of my kids lives from now on. That I have understood and I thanks the boards once again!
If (a big if) I would meet him it would require a lot of preparation and it would mainly be about understanding a bit about who is. It would only require a brief interaction to get a first impression and I might say something about respecting the children. That's how I envision it.
Your comment on making things worse is definitely something I will think about.


What's the boards take on my proposed message to W about the house?


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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I can tell you, you telling her what she “needs “ to do isn’t going to go over so well

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Quote
Last Sunday I found a paper from father in-law saying he will give her a advance on heritage and a sum of money.
Not enough to buy an apartment but substantial. My guess is she will just spend it.
However she still owes me like +$1500.


100% let her know that you know and you want your money now before it's gone.

Quote
I am considering typing something like:
I would like us to finish the economical parts of the D.
The longer we delay it the harder it will be.
You need to make a decision on the house first because that decides how we split almost everything else.
As things are now we have agreed will not work so I will look at a house on the 9th and if everything looks right I might want to make an offer.
You also owe me X and I saw you got some money from your dad.

Whats your thoughts on sending something like that?

(For others reading I have suggested (and arranged with bank) to buy her share of the house but I can only afford it at about 5-10% below market value.)


I think that would be fine to type. Ginger, I think she's had a couple of months to figure out if she wants to stay or go, at some point she does need to decide. She's had time to make plans to travel abroad but can't figure out if she wants to, or can, buy Mumin out of the house? Sounds stupid to me.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Unfortunately , if you say “ you need to” it won’t be taken so well. It’s all in how you word it. I understand it’s time to say these things, but it’s all in how you worked it

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Ya I get that, Ginger. Tone would matter too, and if he types it there is a chance it could be taken the way you're talking about.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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