Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,669
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,669
Workout, run, fish, read in the park, walk the dog, build something, clean something, organize something, go for a drive, join a group or club, sit at the coffee shop. There's a million ways if you have the eyes for it.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 54
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 54
Originally Posted by Steve85
Where there is a will, there is a way. I'm headed to the gun range tonight with a buddy.


I do enjoy going to the gun range as much as possible, but that is also a fav of the W so she goes every time I go. I would have to actually be intentionally mean to go without her. She has been hooked ever since I bought her a Bersa .38 for our first anniversary. In fact she has been asking me to buy us "some new toys". If I thought it would actually help our R I would do that in a heartbeat. I mean who doesn't want more toys, am I right?

Originally Posted by CWarrior
Hi Texan, new workout routine, conquering acrophobia, taking an online course, gardening, back to back road trips to otter states, playing a video game with my son, organizing an event for a large group. None of these involve as much interaction with other humans as I prefer, especially face to face, but themís the breaks with COVID.


Yeah this C19 stuff is the pits. I have ways to stay busy at home, what I need is NEW friends. New MALE friends.

Joined: May 2020
Posts: 54
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 54
Well, the W was still in the mood last night so we did have sex after all. However, before hand she asked if we should do it considering what we were going through? I asked her what she meant, and she point blank told me that this did not mean she was ILWM or attracted to me, that it was just a need she needed to be filled. "So basically the same as the last I don't know how many years?", I asked. She nodded. I said that's fine, I didn't expect anything to get turned around in just a few weeks anyway. She then mentioned that she didn't feel she was getting much from our MC(person). I agreed and said that I felt like I was doing more of the counseling, since I was the one pushing for us to create goals such as "Do at least 1 thing each week to make you happy". She agreed. I don't recall her exact words but she mentioned all the changes I had been making. I said that was because we both had to be in charge of our own happiness and that until we were both happy with ourselves then we would not be able to fix our marriage nor truly be happy with anyone else. I said that if we got divorced right now and jumped into new R's we would just end up in the same boat within a couple of years. So I was focusing on making myself happy and that if she decided to join me great, but if not, then I was going to make sure I was ready for my NEXT R, whomever that may be with. She said that hurt to hear, but she understood where I was coming from. She then changed the subject to a new diet tracking app on her phone that she demoed for me. Then we used each other for sex, just as we have apparently done for years.

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,455
Likes: 58
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,455
Likes: 58
Originally Posted by TheTexan
Well, the W was still in the mood last night so we did have sex after all. However, before hand she asked if we should do it considering what we were going through? I asked her what she meant, and she point blank told me that this did not mean she was ILWM or attracted to me, that it was just a need she needed to be filled. "So basically the same as the last I don't know how many years?", I asked. She nodded. I said that's fine, I didn't expect anything to get turned around in just a few weeks anyway. She then mentioned that she didn't feel she was getting much from our MC(person). I agreed and said that I felt like I was doing more of the counseling, since I was the one pushing for us to create goals such as "Do at least 1 thing each week to make you happy". She agreed. I don't recall her exact words but she mentioned all the changes I had been making. I said that was because we both had to be in charge of our own happiness and that until we were both happy with ourselves then we would not be able to fix our marriage nor truly be happy with anyone else. I said that if we got divorced right now and jumped into new R's we would just end up in the same boat within a couple of years. So I was focusing on making myself happy and that if she decided to join me great, but if not, then I was going to make sure I was ready for my NEXT R, whomever that may be with. She said that hurt to hear, but she understood where I was coming from. She then changed the subject to a new diet tracking app on her phone that she demoed for me. Then we used each other for sex, just as we have apparently done for years.



The Texan, this really reminds me of when my W was finally over her EA. She started wanting sex. Apparently the sexual reawakening that had led to her EA (and on the prowl for a second one as she was a WW), she started initiating with me under the guise that this did not mean we were staying together, nor that her feelings had changed. I told you that she also requested no kissing, especially open-mouthed, french kissing. She went through a period of several weeks where she was initiating daily, sometimes multiple times a day.

What I would like to point out to you, that while her intent is just sex, touch is an extremely powerful thing. My W just wanted sex. And in absence of an OM she settled for me. But after a few weeks of lots of sex, she couldn't help but feel a connection. Sex for women, whether they want it to or not, invokes an emotional response. It is the same concept behind touch charges. Touching, even mechanically at first, builds closeness. It is almost subliminal. But it does. So if you can have sex with her without getting your hopes up and placing expectations on it, I encourage it.

By the way, do not underestimate the power of the talk charges too. Women love to be engaged verbally. And when she is talking active listening. I think your sitch is in a great place, and if you start doing a few things to reestablish connection, then you will be able to turn this around.

So have sex with her (just realize that at the beginning it doesn't mean anything).
Keep up the touch charges.
And make sure you are doing the talk charges. Fun little things to share with her that are light, fun, interesting.

You got this man! I like where things are heading. Just make sure to keep GAL, working on yourself, and continue to differentiate yourself so you are a whole, healthy person outside of your MR.


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 54
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 54
Wow, I think that is the best thing I have heard since this mess started. I definitely plan on keeping up what is working and keeping up with touch and talk charges. While I am still not 100% sure I can trust her or even want to trust her, I have come to realize that I now understand better what behaviors are indicators of her starting to stray. So I am coming around a little more toward there being a future "us" as long as I can stay awake and observant for those behaviors to ever manifest again. Anyway you have added some hope and brightened my day. Thanks Steve85

Joined: May 2020
Posts: 54
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 54
The last few days have been pretty uneventful but here is a basic run down:

Fri: Celebrated Father's Day early since W would be at work on Sun. Wife gt be some grilling stuff and 2 books for us to read together. What she wrote in the card from her was bland and insincere though. "I want you to know that you are appreciated and loved". Yeah, right.

Sat: Wife worked and I went and helped BiL move. That evening we watched some TV and had a bit of good conversation.

Sun: Wife worked. Step-D20 and I went to a friends house for a FD feast. It was a fun time. When We got home W and I talked a bit before she went to bed.

Mon: W napped most of the day while I worked. In the evening we went for about a 30 min bike ride together. That was kind of nice and something we have never done before. After dinner we talked a bit, watched a show and she went to bed.

W is getting close to finishing Book 1 of the 2 books that Steve85 suggested. She has made comments about how she sees herself in that book and feels somewhat justified in her feelings now. She has also confirmed a couple of times that she doesn't want our marriage to end over this. I keep thinking "Of course you don't, who wouldn't want to have their cake and eat it too?" My actual response, when she brings this up, is that we need to postpone any conversation about that until she has completed book 2.

Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,669
O
Member
Offline
Member
O
Joined: May 2018
Posts: 2,669
Originally Posted by TheTexan
What she wrote in the card from her was bland and insincere though. "I want you to know that you are appreciated and loved". Yeah, right.
This statement you made is rife with expectations and full of attachment. You can choose to be grateful that she got a card b/c there are a lot of dads who don't get a card. There was a dad in Chicago on Sunday whose 3 year old was shot and killed in the back seat of his car. Think of how good you have it... Detach and see things clearly.

Quote
W is getting close to finishing Book 1 of the 2 books that Steve85 suggested. She has made comments about how she sees herself in that book and feels somewhat justified in her feelings now. She has also confirmed a couple of times that she doesn't want our marriage to end over this. I keep thinking "Of course you don't, who wouldn't want to have their cake and eat it too?" My actual response, when she brings this up, is that we need to postpone any conversation about that until she has completed book 2.


I would advise more detachment, take things slow, give her time to make her mind up. Start to focus on you and being the best guy you can be. Right now, given her betrayal, she is bringing out the worst parts of you unfortunately.

Keep working and good luck.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 54
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 54
Ok guys quick update.Since my last post things have been going fairly smoothly. I have put my foot in my mouth a time or two for some minor setbacks but nothing major or recurring. Otherwise not much to report.

Right now my BIGGEST problem is GAL. We are back under stay at home orders, and all bars and non-essential places are closed, and restaurants are reduced to 50% capacity. So like the only place I have to go GAL at is the grocery store or Wal-Mart. I keep asking myself WHY couldn't she have done this S**t last year. Even worse I just found out my SiL has tested C19+ and I was around her 8 days ago and she hugged me, so now I may be infected. It's been 8 days, so I might be in the clear, but not sure. So our/her whole family is self-quarantining. So we can't even do anything for the 4th of July this weekend. I feel like I am trying to GAL in a prison, in near solitary-confinement, and my only companion is the one person I am supposed to be distancing from.

I don't even know what the hell I can do. Any ideas, suggestions, advice here is appreciated.

On a side-note, I did finish my footlocker project, well mostly. It's done but I am thinking about adding some legs to it, to make it a bit taller. More like a normal chair height so it can be used as a bench with storage under the seat. My next project is sanding down and re-staining a crib for my D20's baby due in Sept.

Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,455
Likes: 58
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 9,455
Likes: 58
Work in and clean the garage.
Basement? Clean it.
Get your own space (man cave, bedroom etc) and watch movies by yourself.
Read books. Lots of them. I love to read on a device. Plus you can instantly download them so no waiting for shipping.
Any outside projects you need to do? Do them.
Fix things that are broken.
Clean out the attic.
Yardwork.
Work out.
Climb a tree! (I am serious.)

Where there is a will....there is a way!


M(52), W(53),D(17)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 54
T
Member
OP Offline
Member
T
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 54
Yeah those are the kinds of things I have been doing, it just doesn't FEEL like GAL I guess. Maybe I'm doing better than I thought. I really want to get out and meet new people, make new friends, etc. Unfortunately, meeting new people when everyone acts like everyone else has "cooties" and everything is closed down, just isn't going to work and I get that.

I have to keep telling myself to "be still" to avoid going stir crazy. I tell myself that a LOT. I find doing that helps both when feeling stir crazy from being couped up, and when dealing with the W or even when I start to think/spin about the R. "Be still".

I have even considered getting a Bumble account, just to find other people to have a conversation with other than my W and Step-D. The thing is, when I was secure in my R I never felt like I needed any other people in my life, now I find that is what I crave the most.

Page 9 of 10 1 2 7 8 9 10

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Link Copied to Clipboard