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A Message from Michele
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Re: Made it a year - part 4 [Re: Dawn70] #2897367
06/11/20 06:50 PM
06/11/20 06:50 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
If you lived it and watched your sister live it, break the cycle and donít watch your daughter live it. No, I donít know how to do that because Iím not a qualified therapist or mental health professional in any way. No, that isnít a lecture, but an observation. Kml is right, such a dangerous situation and a very slippery slope.


Dawn I thought I had beaten it. Thought H was different, thought we'd have a different life and yet here I am. Last night I was hanging out with the girls and it felt like I was in the twilight zone. I'd been transported back in time having a conversation with a 14 year old me. Surreal. I'm even living 4 doors down from the house I grew up in. My estranged mother is still there I've seen her.

My mind is completely blown.

Re: Made it a year - part 4 [Re: Dawn70] #2897369
06/11/20 07:10 PM
06/11/20 07:10 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
If you lived it and watched your sister live it, break the cycle and donít watch your daughter live it. No, I donít know how to do that because Iím not a qualified therapist or mental health professional in any way. No, that isnít a lecture, but an observation. Kml is right, such a dangerous situation and a very slippery slope.


I'm not one to make quick decisions. I know the path, the timeline, the ages and so I've got a little bit of time to think this through strategically. I hired a new attorney last week, found a new therapist, my support group is starting back up next week and while I have no freaking idea what to do I'm not giving up.

The one thing I can say that is different is the relationships between me and my girls. It is NOTHING like what I had with my parents. They are at least confiding in me which to me is a good start.

Re: Made it a year - part 4 [Re: kas99] #2897372
06/11/20 07:47 PM
06/11/20 07:47 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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I could seriously use a little help from the universe, a guardian angel, God, higher power something because the deck is presently stacked against me. He is not abusing her in anyway that the good folks here in the dumbest state would care about and if the judge asked her today who she wants to live with she'd say him. As of right now I've got nothing.

I was friends with a social worker and she had to get out of it because she couldn't take it anymore. They wouldn't remove kids from the most disgusting, dangerous situations (on going sexual abuse). Compared to those stories D14 is living like a princess.

Re: Made it a year - part 4 [Re: kas99] #2897377
06/11/20 11:43 PM
06/11/20 11:43 PM
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CWarrior Offline
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Hi Kas99,

Originally Posted by Kas99
He is not abusing her in anyway that the good folks here in the dumbest state would care about.. I was friends with a social worker and she had to get out of it because she couldn't take it anymore. They wouldn't remove kids..


Option #1 - Honey - You could call your ex-H and tell him you miss D14, so it would mean the world to you if he dropped D14 off when he left overnight. I recall many times while you maintained NC, Ex-H tried to do nice things for you. Guilt? I get you hate the idea of interacting with him, but it's for D14, not for you.

Option #2 - Vinegar - You could call Child Protective Services. I agree, they prefer correction to removal. The outcome may be no problem found or maybe they disallow him from leaving her home alone overnight. You don't need to predict the outcome. You simply file a claim and let them figure it out.

Personally, I suspect HONEY will do more for you than VINEGAR, but these are two options.

(Beyond, of course, asking a judge for 50% custody of D14.)


May'19 - Separation... Dec'19 - Breakup #1... Oct'20 - Breakup #2.... Jan'21 - Breakup #3
"We are never, ever, ever getting back together." -- T.Swift
Re: Made it a year - part 4 [Re: kas99] #2897412
06/12/20 02:24 PM
06/12/20 02:24 PM
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kml Online
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I doubt CPS will do anything about a 14 year old being left alone, they have much worse to deal with. I think your best hope is to get closer to her so you can convince her to move back in with you. And you keep having talks with her about self-esteem, safety etc. Sheís practically asking for boundaries.

Re: Made it a year - part 4 [Re: kas99] #2897442
06/12/20 09:59 PM
06/12/20 09:59 PM
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CWarrior Offline
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Maybe her local CPS is overworked and would ignore a complaint about D14 being left alone frequently, overnight, and often without food. It doesn't cost much time to file a complaint. CPS helped with my ex-wife (and parents).

I think simply asking him, "I miss D14. It would mean the world to me if you'd let her stay with me when you're away overnight." is simplest. What are her odds of success? 50%? That's huge when the cost is a 5-minute text. If ongoing texting is too painful, she could ask him to text her S or have D14 text her.


May'19 - Separation... Dec'19 - Breakup #1... Oct'20 - Breakup #2.... Jan'21 - Breakup #3
"We are never, ever, ever getting back together." -- T.Swift
Re: Made it a year - part 4 [Re: CWarrior] #2898607
06/26/20 04:22 PM
06/26/20 04:22 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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Quote
Option #1 - Honey - You could call your ex-H and tell him you miss D14, so it would mean the world to you if he dropped D14 off when he left overnight. I recall many times while you maintained NC, Ex-H tried to do nice things for you. Guilt? I get you hate the idea of interacting with him, but it's for D14, not for you.


I can go get D14 anytime I want without talking to him the issue is SHE would rather stay at home. She's on a bad path and there isn't much I can do to stop it other than being here for her. CPS has way bigger things to deal with and the judge will side with D14 (almost 15). Even if I got custody she'd hate me for it. Right now she's talking to me about the bad stuff and I'd rather have that then to have her shut me out too.

Re: Made it a year - part 4 [Re: kml] #2898609
06/26/20 04:25 PM
06/26/20 04:25 PM
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kas99 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kml
I doubt CPS will do anything about a 14 year old being left alone, they have much worse to deal with. I think your best hope is to get closer to her so you can convince her to move back in with you. And you keep having talks with her about self-esteem, safety etc. Sheís practically asking for boundaries.



It's gotten a lot worse so yes I'm focusing on self esteem and safety. I don't see her ever living with me. She's got unlimited freedom now and guilt driven gifts. Why would she ever give that up?

Re: Made it a year - part 4 [Re: kas99] #2898627
06/26/20 09:52 PM
06/26/20 09:52 PM
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HaWho Offline
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Kids eventually see though being bribed.

Upon move out my ex went the Disney dad route with my older son. On days I asked my son to clean his room, he would pitch a fit and have his dad pick him up! My ex did it even though I explained the situation and asked him not to allow s to manipulate us to get out of chores. My ex told me his house was always open to s; huh? To get out of chores?

This kind of nonsense went on for a while. I realize now ex felt guilt because he was already (secretly) engaged to his mistress and he was going the buddy vs. dad route to assuage his guilt. He wanted a to be ok with new mistress.

It went on until the final time where I ignored it all completely. S ran to daddy to get out of chores. I did not reach out at all. Ex texted me I needed to apologize to s in order for him to come back. Huh?!?! Ignore. Another text from ex saying s would not return without me apologizing for asking him to do his chores. Ignore. I fully expected s to live with dad. Things seemed easy there.

S returns days later. I act as if. That night s asks to talk. He cries and says he wants a better relationship with me. I told him start doing your chores and stop using your dad to get out of it. Never had another issue.

Kids feels loved where they are safe and there are guard rails. They see through it eventually. And trust me, they donít respect being used as pawns.

I live a much, much simpler life by choice than my ex and this same s now chooses to be here more on exís time.

Be the parent and you cannot go wrong. They see the truth eventually.


Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13
BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself
BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room"
8/15: H back to MBR
10/15: H back in dorm room
1/18: H files, now divorced
Re: Made it a year - part 4 [Re: kas99] #2898662
06/27/20 11:44 AM
06/27/20 11:44 AM
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JujuB Offline
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great post hawho. They say kids seek out structure and discipline. Your ex sounds legitimately nuts. Glad your son has you.


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
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