Kml, I’m not arguing your point and maybe I’m confused or missed something, but I didn’t think the court was involved yet so at this point, kas DOES have the ability to make her move. Now, once the court makes a rule she won’t. And I actually kind of get kas’ reluctance to make her move now as it would certainly cause some possibly unnecessary upheaval, but I’m getting the same vibe Ginger is. One post says D14 wants to live with kas and the next one says she refuses to live with kas because her dad provides her her own room and buys her stuff. Like I said, though, maybe I’m wrong and maybe there is a legal reason she can’t make her move. It seems like a tough situation for everyone.
Me 52, H53 Bomb drop 9/29/2014 Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014 Marriage #2 12/31/2019 5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships) 6 grandkids
H and I are polar opposites when it comes to parenting and money. He worked a lot so didn’t have much to do with parenting and I handled the money. Yes I paid for a life we couldn’t afford but I kept it within a range I could juggle.
He’s free now to spend money on whatever he wants. D14 gets to eat out all the time, got a new iPhone, boutique clothes, a Nintendo switch, etc. We had this life before and she doesn’t want to give it up. I truly understand that because I miss it too. He’s gone most of the time but he buys her stuff. If she moves he will stop.
I think the pain of losing stuff is greater than the pain of being left alone with an empty fridge. She’d rather eat McDonald’s at 11pm than give up the toys that all her friends have. We ran in the upper middle class and now I’m in the working class. Android over iPhones. Small house over a McMansion. Thrift stores over boutiques. Ragu over going out to eat at a trendy Italian restaurant. I no longer live in the best school district.
Don’t get me wrong she is miserable but at least she has her toys. My older 2 kids are more grounded. They’d rather have family than stuff. I think D14 being the baby also factors into this.
You are again assuming what her thought process is.
Have you actually asked her where she prefers to live? Has this conversation been had?
“D14, as we go through this divorce, I want to make sure you have a safe and happy home. Custody will have to be worked out and at your age, you have a say. Can you tell me what would be acceptable to you? I want to take your preferences into consideration as your father and I move forward in divorce”
Have you actually asked her where she prefers to live? Has this conversation been had?
“D14, as we go through this divorce, I want to make sure you have a safe and happy home. Custody will have to be worked out and at your age, you have a say. Can you tell me what would be acceptable to you? I want to take your preferences into consideration as your father and I move forward in divorce”
Yes we've had this conversation numerous times. The final answer is she wants to live with him.
As I face the reality of my situation I'm in a somber mood and could really use some cheering up. I made so many assumptions about alimony completely glossing over the part where it's just meant to keep me from being destitute. My states unemployment rate is 15% right now so I prefer to keep wishful thinking out of the discussion.
I have faith that I'll be okay. My widowed grandmother lived in a shack. Her adult kids would bring her food and they helped out financially. She was happy. The difference between us is her husband didn't take his $8k a month income and his $500k trust fund to go be with OW. The injustice of this is a bitter pill to swallow.
Here is what I need reassurance on today.
I'm setting boundaries that I don't want to hear what he's doing anymore but before now I have heard he looks sick. He spends every waking moment with the OW but isn't happy because his divorce fantasy didn't include losing D17. He doesn't like paying me either but that will end.
He's not a happy person in general. He's not even a good person despite pretending to be one. His parents (and mine) were miserable. If I were not doing the work the rest of my life would be unhappy too.
The money is tough. Serious financial struggles and happy or live with a miserable person with money?
The money is tough. Serious financial struggles and happy or live with a miserable person with money?
No contest, take the financial struggles with happiness! You are a smart woman and can find your way through the financial issues.
If you haven't looked at it yet btw, check out the Mr Money Website blog and forum. Good stuff.
Also, have you started thinking about a side hustle you could start?
You like to imagine the bleakest future for yourself but you will not be in that position if you take control of your finances now. You make enough money to live and you will have social security when you retire - not enough, but more than many. You still have time to save something for retirement and you are creative enough to make a rich life with ingenuity even if money is tight. I have lived as a poor student (for MANY years and with no financial support) and have lived in a wealthy town on my ex's surgeon salary. The differences were not that great because I always had control of my money and stayed out of debt. The extras are nice but they're not what life is about. My ex has a lot more money than I do now, but he feels much poorer because he doesn't have my financial skills and he has too many wants.
Will your oldest two have jobs this summer? It would be great for them to start earning their own money and contributing. If that's not possible this summer then maybe encourage them to start some kind of side hustle themselves.
You know what? It doesn't matter. Changes absolutely nothing.
D17 just posted a political rant against H (remember he's a racist). Its on her private account and she will take it down but dang. Everything she posted was true recent events have outraged her and now it's personal. The amount of rage she has towards him is unbelievable.
In other news....kittens. We got 2 kittens on Friday. 6 weeks old, a pound each, absolutely adorable. Already lap cats, they meow back at us when we talk to them, playful, total entertainment oh and they like to watch tv.
BTW - there's a great free online financial calculator that is very simple to use but allows you to map out various retirement scenarios. It's called the Ultimate Retirement Calculator from Financial mentor. It allows you to easily play around with various scenarios and assumptions. I started using it 11 years ago when my ex left. Now I'm a lot closer to retirement and I still use it to map out my options. What happens if I wait until 70 to take social security? What if i retire earlier but work part time? You can input different retirement incomes with different start dates, with or without inflation adjustments (my pension doesn't adjust for inflation but my social security will) etc.
It can give you an idea of what you need to do (in terms of increasing income or decreasing expenses) to have a chance at a good retirement. Deal with facts not fears.
No contest, take the financial struggles with happiness! You are a smart woman and can find your way through the financial issues.
I believe I'll be happier once I reach indifference but that was also when I thought I'd have enough money to live on.
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You like to imagine the bleakest future for yourself but you will not be in that position if you take control of your finances now. You make enough money to live
Without child support or alimony I have $100 left on a good day (just me not the kids). This is with me moving to the ghetto. That's why I said once the kids move out I'd rent a room somewhere. Maybe if I saved for 15 years (I'd be 75) I could almost pay cash for a small, older house. You know the kind of house H wouldn't be caught dead in. Trying so hard to have faith that I'll have a happy life without money.
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The differences were not that great because I always had control of my money and stayed out of debt. The extras are nice but they're not what life is about. My ex has a lot more money than I do now, but he feels much poorer because he doesn't have my financial skills and he has too many wants.
H feels poor ALL THE TIME. I never understood it, still don't. He whines now and I'm like seriously?? He says I rat hole money. Translation I'm good with money. lol
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ill your oldest two have jobs this summer? It would be great for them to start earning their own money and contributing. If that's not possible this summer then maybe encourage them to start some kind of side hustle themselves.
Our kids all took advanced classes (time consuming) so we wanted them to focus on their education. Yeah that's over. S19 has a very part time job but it's enough that he could at least pay for his own gas. D17 just started selling clothes online (she's a talented thrifter). She used this money to pay for prom (yeah that didn't happen), clothes, the occasional pizza, etc. Every little bit helps.
