Met with the mediator and signed the D paper work today. W got upset during the signing of the papers and went to the restroom to collect herself. I did not show any emotion. The rest of the meeting was the mediator explaining the process and beginning to discuss how we "untangle" things. W had very few answers and didn't seem to have any plan (I'm not saying I believe her).
Meeting ended and I walked out to my car ahead of W. I could hear her crying but I didn't stop. Then she wrapped her arms around me from behind and said through tears, "I'm sorry. It's my fault. I just don't see a future." I said, "I'm sorry you feel that way" and walked over to my car, at which point she confirmed the realtor appointment for next week and we went our separate ways.
Well, tonight's the night we tell the kids. Plan is to let W break the news. We spoke about what language to use, but I'm not holding my breath she will do the right thing. My focus is on the kids and making sure they know this isn't their fault and that we both love them very much, and that everything will be okay. Hope to update again later tonight.
Regarding your kids, they will be fine. Your W has already harmed them by cheating on you. The damage is done and can no longer be prevented. SHE DID THIS, you cannot fix it.
When my XW first had an EA my youngest was 5 going on 6, and I could not bear to put her through a divorce, I just didn't feel like I could do it, and I too endeavored to hide everything from my kids.
Despite the fact that both XW and I did a really good job of keeping things hidden and "acting as if" they still picked up on the tension, of course they did. Your kids have too.
Having to tell them that XW would be moving out was one of the hardest days of my life leading up to that moment, but once it was done it was a tremendous relief. My daughter cried for a bit then we went as a family to see their new house and they were fine. Kids are like that, they're resilient. They process the change and they carry on, faster than adults do.
Your kids cannot have the life back that they have had -- they can't. Your W's actions have removed that as a possibility. Seeing you stand up for yourself and continuing to love and support them is a great example to set.
Sometimes things don't work out the way you wanted but you can still have a wonderful life, despite the change. I'm sure your kids won't suffer for learning that lesson.
How are my kids doing now? Honestly they are doing GREAT! Do they like going back and forth between houses? No. Do they like that their family traditions, like vacations together and restaurant meals as a family have been disrupted? No. But they do feel loved by both of us, they know that we are there for them, they have each other, and that is more than enough. Believe me it is.
Well, tonight's the night we tell the kids. Plan is to let W break the news. We spoke about what language to use, but I'm not holding my breath she will do the right thing. My focus is on the kids and making sure they know this isn't their fault and that we both love them very much, and that everything will be okay. Hope to update again later tonight.
Good luck. Telling my D was one of my biggest dreads in my whole sitch. Luckily for me it never came to that, but if it had I would have taken the same approach. How much she is loved, and that it had nothing to do with her. I also would not be pointing the finger at my W. I knew that one day she'd see that I was the one that tried everything I could to hold things together. Truth always has a way of winning out, so no need to express how this is her doing. Just keep it as generic as possible.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
All things considered, it went about as well as it could have. We called them together and W told them there were going to be some changes, including we are getting a D. We both assured them this had nothing to do with them and that we both loved them very much and always will, regardless of circumstances.
Some tears from W and S11, and S19 was pretty stoic. W then left to go see her sick mother. I was expecting the worst, so it's a pretty big relief that it's over, to be honest.
Hugs from afar. That conversation is the one I've been dreading more than anything as well. I'm glad you got through it in one piece and can be there with your kids tonight. I read that continuing to make sure they know you both love them, this has nothing to do with them, and validating their emotions as you move forward is all important.
At least now that you're past this big thing, hopefully things can move forward positively without this being something in the future to be worried about, if that makes sense.
May
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
