Does anyone see any value in trying to ascertain more about W's sitch/plans before next mediation session? I'm talking about a quiet conversation about where she will live, with whom, etc. Or, just wait as these types of questions will likely necessarily be answered during the mediation process?
It would help me in choosing where I want to live, what school system to place S11 in. Obviously if there is any shared custody, there will be exchanges etc. As far as with whom, I would like to know that my kids would be a in a safe environment when not with me, so I could get a jump start on that aspect as well.
I wouldn't bring it up before, and I'm not sure I even see value in knowing her current partner or planned residence during the mediation session. In a settlement, you generally place parameters on things--e.g., characters of acceptable school districts (within X miles, with test scores above Y), perhaps characteristics of safe homes and overnight partners and notifications upon changes if that's an area of concern. As for pickup, it's usually enough to say who does it and whether it happens at school or your residences. The specific change over time. The initial school district is the one item you mentioned we directly negotiated.
Who she lives in the future is really not your business. Even she does not know that. And even if she does, it could change. A MLCer's mind is really a hot mess. One day this, next day complete opposite. There really is no telling. So it is best you be proactive, like others have said. This schoold district, distance X from Y and such. Protect yourself, do what is best for you and your kids.
First mediation session was pro forma. Basically finances were discussed and the chips were laid on the table. Next session in a few weeks, we start talking turkey. Continuing to DB and work on myself, while spending quality time with my kids. Looking forward to my future!
W emailed mediator this morning (without CC'ing me) that she wanted to move it up if possible. Mediator forwarded email to the both of us and we agreed to move it up a week. I suggested to W that we try and have a discussion before hand so we can answer mediator's questions about what each of us is looking for, plus let him know of anything we mutually agree on. She agreed, and we will discuss this coming Friday.
What spurred this on was she spent some money on clothes for S11 without discussing with me first, then asked me for half of the bill. I said I have no problem doing that, but that these sorts of transactions in the future will be guided by the agreement hammered out in mediation. She took that and emailed mediator saying we are "already having money issues." Quite the leap, in my opinion. She is likely having some issues with cash flow, I would guess.
After mediator email, she texted saying she knows that she knows she will be "screwed" in the end and that she's "going to lose everything" in the end, but that's a consequence she has to accept. I texted back saying that I was sorry that she felt that way and that I know its not easy, and that I l know it's a very difficult time for her right now. She texted back saying it's a "very difficult time" and that this is hard for her, too. Added that she wants to make this as "easy as possible, because she knows in the long run, she's going to the most hated person." Then said we can meet to discuss this Friday, etc. She texted 90 minutes later saying she made a casserole for the boys, and she hopes they like it. MLC much?
Looking for tips/advice/insight from my friends here.
Terms like "screwed" "lose everything" is WW to paint the illusion that they are the ones to feel sorry for right now. My ex told today she lost one job and got her hours cut at other. Awwwww too bad so sad. Times are tough right now and wouldn't it be great to have a partner to rely on.
She's a detached avoidant who wants to remain friends with you and will take any opening you allow her to be chummy with you.
Met with W in an effort to make mediation session next week more productive. I arrived after her, and was somewhat surprised that she had a coffee for me. Discussed the need to tell the kids about her decision to D before D papers are filed and prior to next mediation session, about which she is very nervous. I validated how I could see how she felt that way and also made it clear that it was her responsibility to let them know her decision, even though we would be there addressing the kids at the same time.
She is starting to realize the financial implications of her decision. I did my best to validate her feelings. 'I know this is a difficult time for you' 'It sounds like you are feeling really anxious.' She is still iffy about where she will live (not saying I believe her, just replaying conversation for folks here), and is unsure of where she will work, etc. Agreed that house will be sold and we will split any equity. Also discussed briefly how we'd like to divvy up the marital debts.
Lasted about 45 minutes, at which point I summarized the conversation to her and ended the discussion.I was better than usual with eye contact and nodding when she spoke etc. When it ended, she asked if she could get anything for the boys at WalMart (I usually shop for the household on Fridays), and I said, "No, thank you. I'm heading there after I make a few other stops." As we were walking to the car she said, "Maybe I'll see you there." After which we went our separate ways.
WMLC, sounds productive. If she is willing to tell the kids about her decision while you're present, that sounds ideal. Good job validating, "It sounds like you are feeling really anxious." Some LBS goof with, "We don't have to do this?!" You found points to agree on for mediation and did your shopping yourself. Good work.
W telling the kids about D this coming Thursday, we will be there together for this. When we last spoke, I asked what she was planning on saying to them, and she said she is going to tell them that "people and things change", and then she said she can't get any further than that in her mind because she starts getting "upset."
A few questions for the board. How do I react when she tells them and both kids (Iikely) and W start to cry? Do I ignore W? After all, she's fired me from the job of being her H. I might be tempted to say a few choice things to her if she turns to me for consolation (this is NOT my style, and would be a 180 for me, as it's an emotional time for everyone). Also likely the boys might not be too fond of her after she tells them she's divorcing me, at which point she will blame me for making her tell them. This has long been her M.O. during our R.
She says she doesn't want to hurt anyone and she knows that it's going to be traumatizing for them, yet she insists on doing it. MLC much?
Tell them you both love them and that the D has NOTHING to do with them. NOTHING! MAke sure that the kiddos do not blame themselves...
THIS
Do not get into with the W in front of the kids during telling them. Do not air the dirty laundry in front of the kids. Your goal with them is to make this as painless at it possibly can be. If they cry, if she cries, you be a rock emotionally. You can break down later. Your role during this discussion is to comfort them.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
