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AnotherStander,

Originally Posted by AnotherStander

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However, he is essentially very similar to me, which is interesting (same hair, same build, plays the same instrument, similar age).

Have you read the Married Man Sex Life Primer? One of the topics he goes into is how we all have a "type". I like shorter women with curvy figures and sweet personalities. I have a buddy that favors women around 6' tall with some meat on their bones and sassy attitudes. If you attract someone enough to end up in a LTR with them then it's a safe bet that you are their "type" and it's very common that after a breakup that they pursue someone similar. Anyway the book makes an interesting point that after a breakup you still have a leg up on the competition because she already knows that you are her type. I think that's why so many WAS's end up pinging their exes way down the road. Dating is really hard to begin with, but going through all the random choices out there AND finding that someone that ticks all your boxes? Extremely difficult. So inevitably they circle back around to the person they already know is their type.

I haven't read the book - just ordered it. That said, I'm confused on your response...it seems most folks on here say the AP/OM is often completely different than their spouses because they're fleeing what they think is the issue and getting as far away for it as possible (even if it's a fantasy). That's my case - both OM1/OM2 are very different than me. Your thoughts here seem to be the opposite, unless I'm missing something.


Me:39 Ex-W:37
M:7 T: 9
S:6 D:3
BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20
OM1 affair ends: May '20
W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20
W files for D: Jul20
OM2 confirmed: 9/2020
Divorced: May '21
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Originally Posted by Steve85


Wow, that is a lot about her. How is your detachment coming along?


Thanks for checking in Steve. Yes I know what that all looks like! I feel more detached than I was in the spring; nowadays I'm not thinking about XW all the time. But I'm still reminded of her every so often in various ways: something on TV, a song, certain types of food, a joke, etc. I guess that's just part of the whole process. What I am doing now however is channeling that into positive things for myself rather than wallowing.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander


Great, that's exactly what should be getting back to her. News about how awesome you're doing. As for her being annoyed, of course she is. She wants to hear that you are balled up in the corner of a room rocking and weeping uncontrollably over losing the greatness that is her. To hear that you seem to be doing great, probably while she is doing not-so-great, well it's not what she wants to hear. HER PROBLEM!


Thanks AS. Yes I agree. I think it's the assumption that I'm crying still in a darkened room or not owned my problems, and to then find out that I've done a complete 180 and been successful at it is what annoyed her. Anyway, I'm just going to keep doing what I'm doing and know that I've improved so much as a person. I've never been this confident or had this much positivity about myself before, ever.

Originally Posted by AnotherStander

Have you read the Married Man Sex Life Primer? One of the topics he goes into is how we all have a "type". I like shorter women with curvy figures and sweet personalities. I have a buddy that favors women around 6' tall with some meat on their bones and sassy attitudes. If you attract someone enough to end up in a LTR with them then it's a safe bet that you are their "type" and it's very common that after a breakup that they pursue someone similar. Anyway the book makes an interesting point that after a breakup you still have a leg up on the competition because she already knows that you are her type. I think that's why so many WAS's end up pinging their exes way down the road. Dating is really hard to begin with, but going through all the random choices out there AND finding that someone that ticks all your boxes? Extremely difficult. So inevitably they circle back around to the person they already know is their type.


That's interesting. I will check that book out. That's a very intriguing concept.

Suddenly upto over 30 subscribers on my channel now; I tapped in to a couple of commnuities on Reddit and have had very good feedback on my stuff there, so yet another boost!


Me - 36, W - 32
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T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
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S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
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Nice update. Let your confidence flow through you and realize all your progress. Keep working and keep growing.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Originally Posted by BL42
That said, I'm confused on your response...it seems most folks on here say the AP/OM is often completely different than their spouses because they're fleeing what they think is the issue and getting as far away for it as possible (even if it's a fantasy). That's my case - both OM1/OM2 are very different than me. Your thoughts here seem to be the opposite, unless I'm missing something.


Yes, they typically "affair down". The person they go after is usually someone lower on the scale than the LBS. Lousy job or no job, not attractive, lazy, dresses terribly. But what have they been lacking? ATTENTION, and if they affair down they find someone who readily lavishes attention on them because they're so happy to have someone out of their league. So they are jumping into a new relationship with someone who is not their usual "type", and as such the relationships typically don't last long. Once past the limerence phase they're back to looking for their "type" again. And there's that LBS, who has gotten their sh** together, is looking good, out there enjoying life, independent, dressing snappy, has lots of friends.... this is kind of the gist of DBing.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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Little update. Been so busy, which can only be a good thing.

Work has been good, and got a pay rise a month ago. Studying for a higher qualification at work too, which is going well. Less stress overall and more confidence are helping me put the hours in.

Exercising is going well. I now do 75 push-ups of various types (3x25) each morning having gradually built that up over several weeks, an abs workout daily, then another specific workout five times a week (say chest/triceps on Monday, legs on Tuesday, etc.). Really nice to see progress there. Considering 18 months ago I hardly exercised at all, I feel I’ve covered lots of ground.

It’s been a tough year with D happening in February, losing the house, and then dealing with Covid like everyone else. However, I have definitely made so many improvements to my mindset and attitude that I had to take a step back recently and realise how far I’ve come since my first couple of threads on here. I was so nervous, afraid of communicating how I felt, and had a low opinion of myself for so many years, which led to problems. Now I feel that part of me no longer exists. I’ve learnt a lot about how I acted the way I did when I was younger and in my early adult life, and reasons that contributed to all that. The changes are going to be permanent as I’m enjoying them.

Single life at the moment is bright!


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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Great update DaB35.

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DaB35,

How is going? I assume you are still smashing life but it would be good if you could tell us just how good you are doing.

Thinking of you.

dunnm

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Hi All,

Haven't been here for a while - lots on! Just checking in to give a positive update.

I got a promotion at work recently which means another pay rise. I passed my first exam to further my career at my job, which is good. I have two more planned leading up to summer, then hoping to do a third one in November. Work is going really well and I'm finding myself less anxious about potentially stressful situations; I get bothered a lot less and get on with my tasks whilst taking regular breaks.

I'm now an uncle - my sister gave birth towards the end of last year. We haven't been able to see the baby much - maybe two or three times briefly.

Exercise is going very well: I have biceps! And also a small six pack. Going to keep at it. I can now do 100 push ups a day.

I've also signed up to do a "virtual walk" - there are various things you can do all over the world, but I've gone for a walk from Land's End to John O'Groats. For the non-UK people that's basically walking the most southern part of the UK right up to the most northern bit of Scotland. About 1100 miles. I'm about 12% done according to the app. I've set myself a long deadline to complete it by (Autumn), so 2-4miles a day. Exercise and cycling counts towards it too. When the gym opens up again I will get back into the cycling/spin class. At the end of the journey you get a medal and T-shirt. Along the way, at every 10% marker achieved the organisaion plants a tree for you - a nice touch.

My Youtube channel is now over 110 subscribers which I never anticipated. I'm working on a long 30min info-vid at the mo, so learning about more editing software.

I've also devoured lots of info on investing money. I realised that I've been given terrible advice from my parents and never made my money work for me. My dad will think nothing of leaving £15k in a basic current account with no interest. I got an hour's free consultation with a financial advisor last month who helped me put together a plan for the next year; stuff like increasing my work pension payments, investing in stocks, moving my money into better savings accounts, etc. It's been really interesting and I feel empowered when I check something, do my research, and make a decision.

I still have a problem with a dry scalp. I'm going to book a doctor appointment soon and get referred to a dermotologist. It's not itchy any more which is great; but it's still annoying. I will not put up with it any longer! I am considering doing a blood test too to check if I have any deficiencies at all.

I'm increasingly seeing the way my parents' way of bringing me up affected me. Only now when I've had time alone to reflect on things have I been able to evaluate it all. They haven't neglected me at all, but I'm sad that they didn't support me as much as I thought they did. I do try to better the situation but they're such hard work!

I feel really confident and content in general. I'm looking at just bettering myself even further and learning more skills. One thing I plan on doing is touching up the leather seats on my car. They're fine, just a bit 'dry' and cracked. I bought a restore kit and have watched a few vids on how to do it, so I'll tackle that when the weather warms up a bit in March.

Stay safe everyone.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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Not to defend your dad, but I tend to be fairly risk adverse myself. I've been very blessed and do not have to worry about money, but I could have a lot more than I have if I was willing to take more of a risk. Putting 15k pounds (or $20k) in a basic account will not grow that money, but there is almost no risk of losing it either. I am not saying he is right and you are wrong, but I am saying that what he chooses isn't necessarily wrong either. It is all about what an individual chooses. In the U.S. I believe the market is way overvalued right now and that we are due for a 10-25% correction. I haven't followed the UK markets so the situation may be different.

Love the rest of your update! Keep up the good work.

Last edited by Steve85; 02/14/21 11:19 PM.

M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Nice update.

You got some good advice to get started, tho I am not sure of the rules in your country.

Everyone has different perspectives.

Good luck!


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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