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Hi Dab35,

re: Them speaking ill of you, sounds like a "Send to a fiery pit if you do, send to a fiery pit if you don't" situation. I may have been a lone voice saying sending it doesn't sound harmful, but not sending it also sounds okay. Tough day. I'm glad you're still on a good track and starting a YouTube channel! That's on my ToDo list, too. I hope you get many viewers! I can't wait to hear your next GAL update.

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DaB35 Offline OP
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Thanks CW. Yes it was tough, but I feel not saying anything was something in itself, and sent a strong message.
My sister disagrees and says I should have reached out, and that I might be overthinking it. I don’t feel that way though. Whatever XW feels about my NC, I won’t ever know and nobody will tell me.

But it’s done now. I can let tomorrow roll on and continue to GAL.

I figure: XW only has to take a glance at me, or hear from others about what I’m up to, to see my drastically changed behaviour, that I have worked damn hard and improved for me and me only, am reaping those benefits, and see a way more confident man, who is fitter, carries himself better, and less stressed. I’m not being v.2 just for her. My self respect is much higher these days.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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Had a best friend drop by today, on my day off from work. He’s setting himself up as a tradesman and had lots of queries to ask me about how it works, how he pays tax, etc. Was nice to see him. He was round for a good few hours, socially distanced of course.

He said he had texted my XW on her birthday last week but she didn’t respond. He then called her and she said “I can’t talk now, I’m in the park with friends.” Apparently she went with one person and a few others had showed up as a surprise. I said that was odd she fobbed him off like that. There’s no reason for her to ignore him. She even met him before she met me.

He asked how I was doing and I said things were going well with exercise and work, studying, hobbies etc. I do feel so much more confident. My view is that XW is simply justifying her decisions to her friends and family, by rubbishing me, presumably saying she’s happier now etc., even though she gave up a nice life. You know what? That’s fine - they, and she, have no idea of the amount of work I’ve put into my life since last year. She was very much going down the black and white opinion “Too little too late. You’re only doing this because you got caught.” You couldn’t explain things further with her. So stubborn. In a way I am glad I didn’t text her on her birthday.

I remember this time a year ago things were so up and down. Travelling a 90 mile round trip every few days to our house to see XW. Staying til 2 or 3am then driving back. Being totally exhausted at work. She would text ‘Hope you got home ok sweetie.’ Then, most confusingly, ‘I feel so guilty lying to my family about how much time we’re spending with each other.’ She had me on a hook, maybe not actively thinking that, but I ran to her if she showed the slightest bit of softening. Now I look back and wish I was stronger. I don’t understand why she ran away to her sister; even now my sister thinks that was a silly thing to do.

I believe I’ve sorted out my problems. I know this because recently I haven’t been feeling like I need to really address anything. Just keeping up the good work, and enjoying feeling less stressed, certainly not depressed. I wasn’t feeling that way because of XW, but I’d got entrenched in that way of thinking because of the pressures I’d put myself under to please her. In doing that, I ended up hurting her. But now, I get on with my own stuff. I have lots to do and feel positive.

The only negative thing is the fear I won’t find a nice place to live of my own. Just cannot afford anything. Cant even afford to rent. I try to squirrel away as much as I possibly can in savings, even though it’s nowhere near enough. But I try not to dwell too much on it.

I’ve enjoyed my random day off work so far. Might wash the car in the evening when it’s cooled down.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 57
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DaB35, firstly re house prices always imagined you living merseyside ish, dont know why and a v. quick skim of your posts yields nothing.

Next, 2x4s, read that last post again. I don't give a s£€$ about your ex wife, that is yesterdays news. I now follow your thread now to learn of your continued growth. I know you are only 12 ish months in but really the first half of that post is newcomer c£€$.

You are better than this and better than her. Detach.
Keep strong and live for now.

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DaB35 Offline OP
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Oh the sweet taste of thick 2x4s...! wink Thanks D!
I get it, I do. Sometimes I have these thoughts and feel better for writing them down. Maybe next time I just think them and leave it. THink of the big STOP sign like in the DR book.

I'm from 'darn sarth' as some say. Home Counties. Won't say exactly where to avoid giving too much away.

Yes we are 4 months D'd.

Enjoyed today. Did a 'quick' wash of the car this evening, not a full detail (which took me 4 hours!). This only took about an hour. Rinse, pre-wash, rinse, wash, rinse, dry, wax. Once you've bought the stuff, detailing is cheap hobby - for me anyway...I know others can easily spend thousands on top of the range pressure washers and so on!

Worked on some stuff for my YouTube channel. Getting some script outlines for a couple of vids sorted. Batch recording is something I've read up on to make things easier; film 2 or 3 vids in one day. Then you can spend a few weeks editing them and be chilled about releasing them. Might have a go recording this weekend. Need to order one of those pop-up backdrop things so I can just plonk that up against a wall and talk in front of that.

This will be a huge deal for me - I hate having my photo taken, so filming myself talking to a camera alone will be a massive additional step of increased confidence. And this time, it's something I want to do, rather than shying away from it. I bough a tripod and mount for my iPad and a decent external microphone, so I guess I have to use them now!!

Friend messaged me later this evening saying how grateful he was for my help earlier today. My sister and her H popped round with their dog on their way home from visiting a friend. I feel a bit closer to my BIL now, which is good; we had a little chat outside whilst I was drying the car.

It's nice because I feel more able to just talk to men about "life", something that I was always quite nervous about, as opposed ot talking about work only say. Might come from my dad - he has literally no male friends, and never calls anyone. Reading NMMNG definitely helped. I dip into it now and again occasionally. When I do, I listen to what 'should' be done and think "yes I'm doing that stuff now".

Up to 60 sit ups and 70-75 press-ups a day now (well 6 times a week anyway).


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Checking in as haven't been able to get online much.

YouTube channel is going well. 4 vids now and views slowly climbing. Nothing stratospheric but I'm happy that people are viewing, liking, and commenting, so that's good. Working on a more substantial one at the moment which has taken two weeks so far. I've invested in extra stuff for my microphone like pop filters and so on. Been interesting learning about editing audio to create that 'clean' voiceover sound you need for YouTube.

My sister has confirmed her bump is a boy, so I will have a nephew. Due in late December/early January. I think she really wanted a girl but she's still happy.

I would be lying if I said XW has never entered my head recently .There will always be a litle thing that reminds me - something on TV, a smell, a song, food, seeing something funny and being unable to laugh together about it, whatever. I read one quote - can't remember where - which I think is quite poignant (think it might even be from Dr Suess): "Don't cry that it's over. Smile because it happened." What I've learned in the past 12 months or so (including the wise words people have given me here) is still relevant now. I have felt like a new person for some time now. I have never had this much confidence before.

Still using Audible regularly. Getting in podcasts too; one series I'm very interested in is 'Movies by Minute' where they analyse a film one minute at a time and a special guest will come in for 4/5 episodes at a time, and they'll discuss the plot, character motivations, camera work, trivia about the movie, etc. It's great. Noticed several of my fave films on the list so I've got plenty to listen to when I'm at work.

Haven't been able to move out of my parents' house yet. Just not enough funds! But I'm doing well at saving so I'm not getting myself down about it - just looking forward and keeping busy. I'm of the opinion that 'it will happen', rather than 'it must happen now', which is helping and not stressing me out.

Work is going well; my job really helped me through everything that happened last year (and also through Covid). I'm one of the lucky ones who hasn't lost their employment and as a (smallish) company we're pretty stable. Studying is going well too.

Exercise-wise I'm really seeing benefits now. Achieving 90 sit-ups (30x3) each time, 3x25 press-ups, and then I do a mixture of other exercises (usually 3x12) focussing on arms, abs or legs as appropriate. Not seeking a bodybuilder physique at all; but am definitely pleased with the much more defined 'ridges' as I continue to stick at it!

Anyway, hope everyone is keeping well.

Last edited by DaB35; 08/01/20 07:44 PM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Feb 2019
Posts: 704
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Hi DaB, I have followed your sitch for a while, you are doing great. Your ex left so quickly, and it takes time to heal whether you get Ded immediately or after several years. I will say that it's taken 18 months for me to heal enough to date again and to feel ok about letting my H go. Some people take more, some less, but it does take time. It might still be early days for you, and you are doing all the right things here. Keep it up!

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DaB35 Offline OP
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Hi Dillydaf, thank you for the encouragement. I appreciate your following my threads.

Yes she did leave so quickly. Thinking about it, she runs away from problems a lot. In all previous relationships she’s had, when things got a bit tough, she just dumped them. She’d rather quit something and not fix it, because she doesn’t seem to want to ever put the effort in. She doesn’t like complex explanations either - she refused to believe any explanation other than a simple ‘he doesn’t care about you, that’s it.’ Long standing factors or things that might have been going on in my head from before we met - no, they were irrelevant as far as she was concerned.

I found a blog that really helped me whilst I was going through therapy, and I found myself nodding along to lots of text on that blog. I still read it from time to time as a way of keeping a positive attitude.

As you say, I’ll just keep it all up! It’s not even hard to maintain the good work I am doing now. It’s become quite natural.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Had a very tiring weekend - my friend came round to build a wall for my parents' front garden, and also sort out some paving slab steps leading down the driveway. I helped. I spent most of the weekend lugging 20kg bags of mortar around ,and mixing it by hand with a large shovel. I haven't needed to do my exercises for 3 days as it's felt like I have done a very intense workout!

Old me would have been really scared, but I just leapt in and did it. Didn't really get concerned that I'd do it wrong, which what I've always grown up with; always feeling like I'd fail things, however minor and insignificant. But I just goto n with it and enjoyed it in a funny sort of way, believe it or not! Was satisfying finishing this evening.

It's my birthday tomorrow - 37. I feel good and have never really looked at myself in the mirror and thought I looked handsome until recently. Just having a takeaway with my parents, and my sister and her H (and dog) will come over in the evening too.

Big YoUTube video will go up this week; very pleased with it! 40mins long almost.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
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DaB35 Offline OP
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Posts: 536
Checking in briefly. Been so busy!

Studying is going well; did a mock exam and passed that comfortably. Real thing in November - feeling on track for it, so that's good.

YouTube stuff is slowly getting out there. Not millions of views, but I'm not really chasing that; just putting out things I'm interested in. Getting some nice feedback from associated FB groups where I'm posting links to my stuff. Nice confidence boost every now and then.

Other sideline work is progressing too; nice to do it in the evenings or weekends and chill out to do something like that.

Worked on the car this morning - cleaned the wheels thoroughly. I can also admire my work from my bedroom window which is nice!

Exercise is maintained steadily. Feel good about life generally.

Have a good week everyone.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
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