Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
job Offline
Member
Offline
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 28,295
Likes: 112
dunnm,

You have been on moderation since August 2018 because you have not created a thread of your own. Please create a thread so that we can assist you and become familiar w/your situation.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 57
Likes: 2
D
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2018
Posts: 57
Likes: 2
DaB35 sorry for the threadjack.

Job, the ship has sailed on my 'situation' back in early 2015, wish I had found this site back then.
I come here, almost daily, to ensure my new relationship (since Aug 2018) doesn't go the same way. I beleive many of the techniques in DB are applicable to maintaining my current wonderful relationship. Reading the great advice here from LH19, Steve85, AS, Sandy et al helps me focus on what I need to do to prevent this ship sailing.

So in summary, I hope and pray I never have to start a thread.

And finally thank you to the Vets, yourself & Cadet for your tireless dedication to helping the lives of people you have never met. For many posters this is the worst time of their lives and you guys are here day in day out being a rock for them.

Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 9,227
Likes: 309
Originally Posted by dunnm
Reading the great advice here from LH19, Steve85, AS, Sandy et al helps me focus on what I need to do to prevent this ship sailing.

So in summary, I hope and pray I never have to start a thread.

And finally thank you to the Vets, yourself & Cadet for your tireless dedication to helping the lives of people you have never met. For many posters this is the worst time of their lives and you guys are here day in day out being a rock for them.

D,

I think its great you come here to be proactive in your current relationship and I am glad you it helps you.

I juts want to remind newbies that each poster has their own opinion and style on the way they deliver their opinion. I tend to be straight to the point w/o blowing sunshine up anyone's a$$ based on information that I have learned from various sources over the last five years. Some posters I good at validating in the advice they give. The advice giving is meant to help you in your situation and is never meant to hurt you in anyway. Most of the time in the moment you cannot see the forest within the trees but months/years down the road you will understand why you were given that advice at the time.

Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
Originally Posted by Steve85
Dab, what would tell her you've moved on more? Sending the text or not sending the text?


I see why that would be a very good stance to take. I agree not reaching out whatsoever reminds her that I'm no longer there (her choice, not mine) and I'm not a Plan B. It shows strength on my part to do such a thing: she chose to end the M, sell the house and make us both financially worse off for the next few years, and she chose D. As a result, I've done so much work that she and many others are unaware of, and my not contacting her at all would speak volumes and show her that's what the consequence of her choice is.

I have expressed regret at my weakness during the start of the S and D process. Reading on here the simple stance of "I don't want a D but if that's what you want I won't stand in your way, but I won't help you" was eye-opening. I sometimes wonder what could have happened differently had I possessed more courage and confidence in general and been a bit more alpha.

I still maintain that she was pushed and coerced into doing this by others because she was, understandably, totally shaken by everything. It was like she got PTSD, and I hate that I caused that. I have the remorse and it'll be locked up in a little corner of my brain for evermore. I was in the wrong but I've owned it all, and identified where I slipped up, the traits I carried that exacerbated my problems, and what I had expected from a relationship.

Originally Posted by CWarrior

I don’t see much harm putting out a tiny opening/feeler after three months of NC if no immediate response wouldn’t cause you to spin. It gives her an excuse to respond now or on the next major holiday. I would examine your motives—e.g., are you holding out for love, or would you accept friendship now?


Conversely, I also agree with this, along with the caveat!

Motive - I have not thought about it further than 'I hope she has a nice birthday'.
I just feel it would be a pleasant thing to do. Keep it as short as possible. No update on me and what I’m up to, simply “Happy Birthday. Have a lovely day.” No kisses, no emojis, nothing more.

I haven't thought "maybe she'll miss me and ask to talk". I guess it’s to show her that I’m cool with being friends. After all, she made a big thing of saying that’s what she wants, that she cares about me a lot, and a friendship would mean a lot to her. Having said that, she hasn’t contacted me at all – but then it’s only been 3 months since D was made official, so I get that. I don’t know if others have again twisted her arm into simply cutting me out of her life completely. The positive thing is I have not thought about that until I’ve just typed this post! So I guess that means I feel detached if it hasn’t been in my head swirling around. That’s where the confusion comes I think.  

Either way, whatever I do will result in a long conversation between XW and her sister/mum. They will go round and round on the subject, repeating themselves for at least an hour, then come to a conclusion they reached after 5 minutes.

It doesn’t bother me what others say about me now - they are unaware of Me v.2.0, so I know whatever preconceptions they hold of me are wrong.

GAL-wise - I'm up to 20x3 press-ups a day now! Still managing about 30-45mins each time, and I combine it with a bit of yoga too. This week today is my day off. Also started a Youtube channel this week about my creative project work. A big thing would be that I'll force myself to film myself talking to the camera discussing my interests. With my newfound confidence, this will be a major step forward for me to do such a thin, not to mention putting it out on Facebook for my friends to see.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
In other news - I'm going to be an uncle! My sister announced she is pregnant and expecting early next year.

Some new houses are being built near where they are. I've put my name down for interest to see if I can afford a flat there perhaps. My mum for some reason is violently opposed to me getting a flat for some reason - I keep pointing out to her that I will need at least £120k as a deposit to get just a 2-bed house (in the UK house prices are just ridiculous) and I definitely don't have that! Unfortunately I cannot afford to rent; it's just too high.

I could up sticks and move way up north but I don't want to do that. I like my job, and I have my friends and work all based here.

It's XW's birthday today. I'm thinking I will text: "Happy Birthday. Have a great day." We have been fully NC for over 3 months since D.
I had thought maybe a shocking 180 would be for me to ignore her completely and not reach out. Last year, XW's birthday was right in the middle of our S; not good timing. I texted her and definitely pursued, saying I missed her etc. I regret doing that.
This year, I can see the argument for not contacting her today at all - hitting home the idea that I'm not in her life anymore - but I think after 3 months one two sentence text should be ok.

Would really appreciate any further thoughts on this.

Last edited by DaB35; 06/16/20 08:54 AM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
D
DS9 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
Don’t do it mate.

You’re doing so well.

Your mum doesn’t want you to buy a flat because the capital growth is nowhere near as good


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
Hi DS, good to hear from you.

Hope life is treating you well.

Thanks - I do feel I am doing well!

I see what you mean. So you think that be a good 180 then - not contacting at all?


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
D
DS9 Offline
Member
Offline
Member
D
Joined: Jul 2019
Posts: 473
Thanks mate

I’ve been good. I’ll update on my thread but my reconnection with my old flame has seriously accelerated.

I think LH said it best about what message not sending the sms sends. Hold firm, let the birthday pass, don’t send anything 👍🏻


Me: early 40's
XW: nearly 50
T: 15
M: 5
BD: Jan 19
S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
That's good news about the reconnection - must be quite exciting.

I guess I feel a pang of guilt as of course I have done *something* for her birthday for the past 9 years, the last being when S was in swing.

Not reaching out is a form of DBing then. She might be assuming I say something, and turns out I don't say anything at all. I expect if she then says to her friends "Well, do you know, he didn't say anything to me," they will force their views on her of, "OK he clearly doesn't care about you," "Better off without him," "That says it all," etc.

I suppose the subsequent aspect of this as a DBing technique would be to not let that affect me. I can't mindread, so all of that might not happen at all!

It's difficult since it's the same day as my sister's birthday, so that was always a nice talking point. XW would always forget when my birthday was however - she got the right month but regularly would get the date wrong!

Best to keep GALing and know that it's her loss.


Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
D
DaB35 Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
D
Joined: Aug 2019
Posts: 536
OK, It's 9pm here in the UK.

I haven't texted. I decided not to. If I do it tonight, that's way too late and would defnitely feel forced/contrived.
My sister did text XW this afternoon. I'm fine with that.

Gotta be honest - I feel about 20% anxious that I haven't said anything to her. Having thought about it - this is a good way to show her 'this is what you wanted', and 'I'm not in your life anymore because you didn't want me'. Not in a passive aggressive way, because it's not like I have been pursuing sporadically or trying to reach out constantly and got no response. I'm just continuing NC that has been in place fully for the last 13/14 weeks. Neither of us have budged on that. But this is a big thing for me. A definite 180. Previously, old me would absolutely be pursuing. Probably would have got her a present and had it posted to her brother's house etc. Didn't do any of that this time.

I think she may feel sad, maybe angry, that I haven't contacted her. She might be moaning about that to others right now. Or she wouldn't have thought about me at all. I've no idea. I think that's the point. I don't know, and that doesn't matter.

I've been telling myself today: the lighthouse doesn't go to the ships; it's the other way round.

Just ordered a load of video equipment to get to grips with for my Youtube channel! Exciting times.

Last edited by DaB35; 06/16/20 08:27 PM.

Me - 36, W - 32
No kids
T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr
Discovery - 14 May 2019
S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019
D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Page 2 of 6 1 2 3 4 5 6

Moderated by  Cadet, DnJ, job, Michele Weiner-Davis 

Link Copied to Clipboard