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Originally Posted by Sage4
But he hasn’t been a shell of a person for the past 14 years. I know this. This shell of a person has only been present since our current situation erupted about 10 months ago. And I know in my bones that if he were to give us some time, we would get to a better place than we have ever been. [/quote


I agree with Allison that no one can predict future outcomes. I'm sure there are people who recon where everyone thought it was hopeless and some don't when all the signs strongly pointed to recon.

I have those same deep down feelings ---

AND, studies have shown (please don't take this as a direct quote - its early and haven't had coffee yet) that when couples do stay together they report being happier than ever 5 years later than at the time they wanted to end it. Original study was almost 20yr ago... I do not know if it has been repeated or if when its brought up they are still referencing the original study.

Not to mention when you do see people talk about their M after recon after affair they seem to say they went on to a stronger M than they ever had before.

So your feelings are valid to have and its that faith that you base wanting to go in the direction for saving your M.

[quote]
We had a big R talk where he asked me what’s wrong with him and how he could be making so many decisions that don’t feel right. We had a discussion about childhood trauma and the impact that is having on him right now. And then he asked me to take him upstairs, after which he had another breakdown of ‘I can’t do this anymore’. He asked me to leave him. He asked me why I wasn’t leaving him.


The biggest reason that H leave or that you get the ILYBINILWY is they start to feel trapped. Right or wrong its how they are feeling.

I get why you just want him to stay for 4months. I would have tried the same things but what really works is just telling him - I understand how you feel and if you feel that you need to go then you are free to do so. Its so hard to say and put your game face on. When I said that to my H 2 years ago he almost suffered whiplash "like did she really just say that???" That was the beginning of him being more relaxed and not pushing so hard to leave... he just felt that suffocated.

In the interim I just DB like crazy. It was the hardest 4months of letting go and doing my own thing... but it did attract him back. And, we continued having some amazing times. (Now, I stopped doing what I should have been. Internalized a lot of hurt as did he... Rather than coming from a place of vulnerability I took on anger which led to arguments and my H not feeling heard... so here I am again 2yr later and he is now gone for good.)

But, that being said letting him have his freedom was a game changer... in letting him have his freedom he was actually home more..

The biggest thing you can do is stop being the one to make the rules. Stop telling him how long he needs to stay and work on it before you let him make his own choices. Trust your H to make the best decision for him at this time. I get how hard that is --- I got to a place where I was micromanaging everything... let him make a decision... are you kidding??? smile

I'm really sorry this is happening. I hope you can find some joy and happiness in today.

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Last edited by job; 06/29/20 05:02 PM. Reason: added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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