Sorry to hear about H's decision on the lease. My W is pushing to file D this week, and we had a financial discussion last Friday. She is just now realizing that this is going to be very difficult on all parties, especially from a financial perspective. Emotions rule, there is no real thinking able to penetrate MLC. Have no expectations, but hopefully your H clears some cob webs on his work trip.
Either way, focus on yourself and have a good week!
that sounds hard, and your H sounds like he is making very poor decisions right now. I don't mean in terms of your relationship - perhaps ending the marriage is absolutely the right thing for him and both of you (I don't know) - but I just mean in practical terms, about his and your business, about the house lease (which sounds like an impulse he didn't think through) and about the work travel and what your children need. Generally, people make impulsive, awful decisions when they are panicking - when they feel like an animal caught in a trap.
I am not suggesting you are the trap, that you are ensnaring or trapping him. Presumebly he chose the marriage, the children, the business and the financial ties that bind your lives together. But maybe it all feels that way to him now.
I think perhaps the quieter you are and the more space you can give him, the more he will be able to work out what about his life he wants and needs to change for his own happiness, and what he wants to keep the same.
How is your GAL? Did you choose your piece of art to study yet?
I just got a call from H who is returning from a trip (he has been solo in the mountains for the past 5 days). He called to tell me he has been thinking nonstop for the past five days and that he is so, so, so, sorry for what he has put me through and that he loves me with every inch of his soul. That he has been trying on this different person for size and it is fake and not him and that his true self is as my partner, best friend and soulmate. That his life flashed before his eyes and he realized he can’t live without me. That he only wants me forever and always. That he has been building this narrative up in his head, based upon childhood trauma etc, and that his narrative blamed me for everything. Which he now recognizes isn’t true, none of it. That he wants me back.
I know what everyone is going to say before you say it, so please know that I am going to take it slow and I want to leave no rock unturned in what led us here in the first place. I don’t want our old marriage back, I want a new one and that is going to take a huge amount of patience, persistence and work on both of our parts
The thing that is most encouraging to me in this conversation is that not once did he mention the kids or the other aspects of our life that he wants. It was only about me and us.
The other thing that I have only gone into minor detail on this forum, is that I have been firing ‘truth darts’ for the past 10 months. I thought they weren’t going anywhere, or that he wasn’t hearing them, but it turns out that he has listened to every one of them and when he was in deep contemplation, he realized that I was right. Things about ‘this isn’t the real him’ or that ‘happiness and self-worth are inner constructions, not dependent on someone else’ or ‘the negatives between us don’t balance to the actions he is taking with S or possible D’. This may not work in every situation, but it did have an impact in mine.
I plan to take it one step at a time. I asked him to protect the kids from whiplash and not coming running into my arms when he gets home. That we all need a process of healing, work and forgiveness. I especially want to work together to come up with an age appropriate conversation to have with the kids about his actions. Not to throw him under the bus, but that the kids deserve to know that he is human, humans make mistakes and that it is OK to accept or not accept these mistakes. That they are allowed to be angry and forgive.
This is only the beginning, and I am hopeful but no longer a fool for love. I know that things could change in an instant. But for the moment I am going to let things play out for a while. We have so many conversations ahead of us and any one of them could pivot our position into a different direction.
Hey Sage, this is great news. I hope things have continued to progress in the right direction over the last 48 hrs? How are you feeling about everything? I am about 3 weeks ahead of you in this process. I feel like I am navigating blindly, however, which is ironic seeing as now I'm the one who seems to be in control in so many ways.
I guess for both of us, we have to believe this is genuine intention on their part. Do you see glimmers of your old H? I am definitely seeing something different to the alien life-form of the last 12 months.
How are you planning to move forward? Have you talked about him coming home, or timelines for the same?
Looking forward to hearing an update from you!
Px
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
I hope it works out for you. I think you're right to stand back, be open-minded but don't believe much of what you see or hear right now. I'd let your H do the work. You don't need to be obstructive (that's a mistake I made) but you will have your own wounds to tend to, your own 180s to develop - and he needs to work on himself a while before the marriage reconcilliation can really start.
H came home on his hands and knees begging for me back and moved back in (he didn’t have a place to live any longer as his rental ran out). I have stayed a couple of nights away over the past week just to give myself some space, but I agreed to work on things as long as we took the time to carefully and slowly unpack how we go to where we were. He agreed. He told the kids that we were not getting a D, that we were going to be together and they didn’t have to worry about it anymore. Things were great for a few days, lots of the old H back, lots of loving interactions and good communication. He can’t explain everything that led him to what happened, but the closest he could come to it was that he was hurt in our M and pushed himself to try to be someone he was not and then realized who he actually was and what he wanted (me). His extreme anxiety immediately went away and he was so grateful that he was feeling whole again and he credited our reunion with allowing him to feel whole and happy again.
From the beginning of all of this, I have unequivocally stated that it’s me or a friendship with EA/OW. During our initial reconciliation, he said no big deal, you really have overestimated the extent of EA, he has never, ever taken it to the physical side of things in any way shape or form. ‘But she’s in love with you’ I said, and that’s super dangerous. He said I know and it makes me feel sick to my stomach and I am not sure what to do. This woman is a client and is responsible for launching our business/career and she brings a lot of value and cache to our company. He is concerned that he can’t just ‘drop’ her without some major professional damage being done.
We have had baby talks about this all week. I have asked for a transparency plan. He said he wasn’t in communication with her, but didn’t give me any definitive details on how he planned to make me feel safe. I felt some pulling back from his side and responded in kind (not unloving, just more distant). He would check in and I would mention that the EA was still eating at me.
Last night I shared an article about affairs and the importance of cutting off all contact. He went ballistic. Told me that I will never change, brought up all the old garbage from past year, told me how controlling I was and that it would never work. That I press and pressure him for things and that I can’t just let things slowly unfold the way they should. Which may be very true, maybe I should just let it all lay?
I know that a huge part of his self esteem comes from his success in his business and that she is woven into that success. That he may very well not reciprocate her feelings, but he doesn’t know how to navigate this and save himself, his family and his business.
I left the house last night for some space and will re-enter this morning with kids excited to celebrate Father’s Day and our reunion. I don’t know what to do next.
These steps are so critical and you can’t afford mis-steps. You should be hashing out these things in MC. For now take it super slow. This sounds like it could be a false start. Don’t chase the squirrel because it will run. Let it come to you.
Sage — I’m so sorry he responded like that to you. I tend to agree with LH that your husband doesn’t seem on solid footing. I can imagine how frustrating that would be...having to stay cautious when it looks like there are finally positive things happening that you should be able to depend upon.
I'm 40, H is 36. No kids. No infidelity of which I'm aware. Mini BD January 2020 -- not sure if he wants to try anymore BD March 2020 -- separation
From the beginning of all of this, I have unequivocally stated that it’s me or a friendship with EA/OW. During our initial reconciliation, he said no big deal, you really have overestimated the extent of EA, he has never, ever taken it to the physical side of things in any way shape or form. ‘But she’s in love with you’ I said, and that’s super dangerous. He said I know and it makes me feel sick to my stomach and I am not sure what to do. This woman is a client and is responsible for launching our business/career and she brings a lot of value and cache to our company. He is concerned that he can’t just ‘drop’ her without some major professional damage being done.
Oh dear that sounds super complicated. I think he needs to hear the NC thing from an IC or MC. My H was the same - as well as being told I had over-estimated the significance of the EA, during the times when he did state he wanted to work on the M he refused to accept that he should delete EAP from his phone, or not hang out with her on group nights out. It was only when his IC told him he needed to end the friendship and go NC if he wanted to try and work on his M that he accepted that was what he needed to do. Coming from me, it was control, and that was what he was trying to get away from. That said, I don’t feel your H has reacted fairly, as he’s only seeing it from his side, and not understanding that NC is required for your own healing. I agree with LH- you may need an intermediary to help you navigate this step.
I think pulling back slightly is the right thing to do, you both still need plenty of breathing space.
I hope Father's Day goes better for you!
M:49 H:49 T:20 M:18 D:16 D:14
EA: Feb 2019-May 2020 Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020 H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020 EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020 Recon #2: since Nov 2020
This is very, very similar to my H when he made his decision to stay, though he couldn't say it was because he wanted me but wanted the M, so that is a difference for you, and also my H was very clear about the importance of AP to him by the end. It could be that your H isn't being honest with you or himself on how important she is to him, or he could be telling the truth. That is something I might think about a little if I were you. (Note-- it also may not be her as a person, but how she makes him feel-- my H has said AP is like a drug and has just recently told me it isn't about her but about how she makes him feel because of how she loves him/needs/wants/touches him) and your H may need some time to let go of not just her as his EAP, but the fantasy of her and what she represented for him, along with the other stuff he talked about trying on for size. My H also felt enormous relief when he ended his A four months ago, but that wasn't enough, at least for him, to maintain NC or really focus on the MR with me.)
My H also resisted the NC thing, said the exact same thing about me being controlling, he had to do this his way or not at all. So we did it his way. And it didn't work.
And looking back-- I do think continued space is really important and no expectations. Don't rely on him for your healing yet.
They say when your WS is truly ready to reconcile, there is no question. They're willing to do anything and everything to make it right and work it out with you. He'll be the one making the appointment with the MC, not you. I think you aren't really piecing until you have that 100% total commitment. If he's still pulling back a bit and questioning his choice, I think you are still in total DBing mode and need to treat it that way. I think I moved too quickly into what I needed from him to get to piecing rather than continuing to treat him like a WH.
Hang in there. This sure isn't for the faint of heart!! I have my fingers crossed for you guys.
Me (46) H (42) M:14 T:18, D9 & D11 4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs 9/20 - present: R and piecing
