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Kristin,

Happy New Year! Sounds like you ave having success "detaching". So happy for you. Glad to see an update on your sitch. Wishing you all the Best.

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Hey KG,

I just want to say that you'll look back on your sitch and realize that this isn't so:

Quote
I feel like we have both been fair to each other and haven't tried to be greedy.


She is not fair, and she is greedy. She wants a divorce, she wants a OW, she wants to hang out and text you all the time.

That said, you do seem to be doing better, just don't be better at eating those sandwiches you mentioned. Be really better.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Hi KG!! Happy New Year! I am so glad to have an update from you. I've been thinking of you and wondering how you are doing.

I know this is all so tough. I'm really proud of you for taking the steps that need to be taken and moving forward, even though it is difficult.

I had a few thoughts to share for you to take or leave:

-- I agree with overrnbw. She is not fair, and she is greedy. She has consistently shown, over and over, that she is incapable of (or unwilling to) treat you with respect and fairness. You don't get to have both a W and an AP. She sniffs out your boundaries and then tramples on them, over and over. She likes having you stuck. It benefits her. Not because she is an evil person, but because she is lost and messed up and incapable of having an adult relationship right now, where you treat your partner with love, decency, and respect.

-- Can you take the paper signing as a point for you to really set up your boundaries and stop? Can you give yourself a break from her after the D? Like say, a month of NC? I think it is going to have to be you to do the work of setting the boundaries and then enforcing them. She will not do this. In fact, my guess is that she may even pick up the pace after the D is finalized, because in her mind she'll be able to tell herself that she isn't cheating anymore, that you clearly want to be friends with her and that is a positive thing, etc. I worry that nothing is going to really change until you are the one to step up, cut her out, and really focus on yourself for awhile without her there to hold you back.

KG, you just deserve so much more than she's giving you. And it makes my heart hurt to think about you guys Ding and her just continuing to use your beautiful, kind, giving soul, keeping you locked into her and unable to move on. You deserve to be #1 for someone who is as giving and selfless as you. (((KG)))

All that being said... how is work? And excited to hear how repainting the living room and making it YOU goes.

I feel like you're my sister in all of this, KG.... we've been through so much together and I have so much love and respect for you. I feel like once you shake off WW, I imagine you like Gal Gadot in Wonder Woman striding forward into life, shining and gorgeous with an open heart. (I haven't seen the new movie yet, so this is based on her in the first movie just in case anything crazy happens in WW1984!) You got this, KG. You're strong and I'm excited for you.

xoxo M


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Happy Wednesday All.

The signing went OK. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, epic fail there. We both shed some tears and it was hard, but I pushed through and that part is at least finished. I have ordered some more abstract oil paintings to fill my barren walls and will be going to look at paint choices this weekend. My friend used to be a painter and is going to do the entire open living room/ kitchen for a really fair price.

Ovr,

I'm sure you are correct. I have been more generous than I probably should. I know that I will most likely look back on this and say that I should have done less in the terms of the split. For me, I think that I would rather look back on it with those feelings than to have stood my ground more and things go sour. I want to be able to hold my head up and know that I simply walked away from a toxic relationship with class and dignity.

You're also right in that STBX is greedy in her selfishness to want both of us. I don't think she even realizes that she does it. I'm doing my best to detach and find my own happy. A lot of the angst I still feel is when I'm drawn into the pick me dance or the feelings of "what does she have that I don't". It's a fruitless endeavor and I'm trying my best to accept that she does not want the same things as I do, and that I deserve a partner that wants a committed relationship.

May,

I don't think I can do NC. Something about it just doesn't feel right in my soul. Maybe if she were hateful and venomous in the way she interacts with me it would be easier to go NC. Full stop. Maybe that's why I am still pulled to the allure. Not saying it is the healthiest thing for me, but I am trying to find acceptance and peace.

I feel like you and I have been in this together from the start. Your posts fill me with strength and hope for our futures. When I'm having a crumby day, I like to read your sassy posts and realize that I should be so thankful for my current circumstances. If May can do it with kids, a husband that is clueless as to what he almost / still could lose, and doing it all in a work from home environment, then I for sure can find some strength to get through this without any of those stressors. And yes to Wonder Woman! She's one of my favorites - such prowess!

Thank you guys for checking in as I know that I'm not here as much anymore. I fell into a hole of "do everything you can to fix it. YOU HAVE TO FIX IT." in my view of this platform and that's not the healthiest emotional state for anyone. This place has been such a help to get encouragement and a tough outlook when I needed it. Presently, I'm shifting my focus on this board to be more of a personal growth and journal of survival for myself. No more trying to fix something clearly broken and that I have no control over. YES to fixing myself and working to nurture my own self improvement.

KG


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
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KG,

Originally Posted by KristinG
Presently, I'm shifting my focus on this board to be more of a personal growth and journal of survival for myself. No more trying to fix something clearly broken and that I have no control over. YES to fixing myself and working to nurture my own self improvement.

YAAAAS to this!!! I am completely behind you on this.

Originally Posted by KristinG
I don't think I can do NC. Something about it just doesn't feel right in my soul. Maybe if she were hateful and venomous in the way she interacts with me it would be easier to go NC. Full stop. Maybe that's why I am still pulled to the allure. Not saying it is the healthiest thing for me, but I am trying to find acceptance and peace.

Here's the thing. You know how they say to be thoughtful in which friends/family you confide in, because people that love you just want to see you stop being in pain, and want the WS OUT because of that? I think I fall into that category with you. I'm angry with your ex for hurting you. I have a hard time separating my own pain from seeing you hurt, and just want you to be better, be Gal Godot striding out of the flames on the other side of all this mess. (you will be.)

But. You are a smart, thoughtful person. I believe that you've thought this whole thing through and I support your choices in this. You need to process and deal with all of this in the way that is right to YOU, not to anyone else. So if that means continuing to be friends/friendly while you grow, okay. That is 100% your choice and I support it.

I think the most important part of any of this is to be able to look back and know that you did the right things for the right reasons. So whatever it takes for you to do this in a way that is true to yourself, you do it. I know that I've taken a similar, harder path than I might have, but I did it with my eyes open and a decision that if it was harder this way on me, I was willing to absorb that in order to make it easier on my kids if I could. So I will stop bothering you to go NC... but I might continue to hint that it is healthy and good for you to focus on YOU, and when you sense interacting with her is making that difficult, probably even ignoring a call or text for awhile will help.

xoxo M


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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