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Joined: Oct 2019
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Yail,
Thank you so much for the advice. I used some of it verbatim when we talked tonight. We are going to try and work through the process of D together and plan to sit down tomorrow evening and crunch numbers to come up with a plan for moving forward. I'm not sure about finalities on the house yet, but it will either be hers or mine with a fair buyout. We agreed neither one of us want things to be ugly and we agreed to treat each other with respect in working out the details. I'm going to continue to read and re-read your post before discussions tomorrow night.

May,
I can't tell you how much your words help to lift me up and give me hope. Tonight is hard. I can't stop the tears but I know that I will get through this and onto something new. I also know the pain I've lived in for 2 years has a shelf life nearing its end. It's so hard to face this without fear. It's so hard to let go of the future I had dreamt of for so long. Scary and weird.

Any advice from peeps that have had to navigate D negotiations are welcomed. Also, any sort of levity and happiness are much appreciated ha!

KG


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
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Hi Kristin,

You did great. I'm so impressed. Let the tears come.. of course you are sad, and scared. Anyone would be. Don't beat yourself up or try to hold it in. Now is the time to double down on taking care of yourself, whether it is a nice chocolate or a long walk or locking yourself in the bedroom to cry if that is what you need.

You're strong, you're smart, you're brave, and your heart is telling you that you are doing the right thing, even though it is scary and harder than anything else you've done before. Keep that vision of your clean and beautiful AP-free life in your mind's eye. You're on the path to that destination. One foot in front of the other.

(((KG)))


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Yes, everything May said. I wish we had "like" buttons.

The other side of all of this is beautiful. I think you are on a path of letting go gracefully. I see you on the other side of this with some affectionate memories of your time with WW, but also immense hope, optimism, and zest for your future. It's not as far off as you might imagine, and it will only grow as time goes on.

So much of our culture is framed around this all-or-nothing romantic story. It's not what most of us experience. Letting go while being grateful for the many happy years you did have together is not always easy, but I think it allows you to rest easier later on. This may be premature, so I'm sorry if it's too much to hear, as you're still in the thick of it. But I think it's wonderful you and your WW had some beautiful times together. And now, you are no longer a good fit and it is absolutely the best time to move on, and change, and evolve and grow.

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KG,

Hoping you had a good weekend. Wishing you all the best.

Mar

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Journal and Update:

Things are moving foward with D at a snails pace. I have the paperwork ready for the lawyer to draft and WW is finishing cleaning our old apartment for her to move into. We decided that I would buy her out of the house and purchase the large appliances she had bought, all for a fair price to both of us. I will continue to cover rent on the apartment for at least the next six months so that she can figure out what she would like to do or if she wants to take over the rent payments. I'm going to take over the streaming services and cell phone and she will continue with car insurance while we're transitioning.

I'm having good days and bad days. Some days I feel like I cycle and can't shake the triggers. It is a weird dynamic in the house. We still do almost everything together and WW still comes into the MRB in the morning and cuddles up to me. I don't have the energy or strength to reject her, and if I'm honest with myself, I welcome the affection. I need to find the strength to cut if off, possibly after the paperwork is filed and I feel safe that she won't try to fight me on everything. I'll take conflict avoidance for 200 Alex. The dynamic causes me to continue to wish for a different outcome than D and it is making it harder to accept that we won't be together. It also makes the intrusive and cyclic thoughts worse because I find myself feeling like I have lost my mojo and am somehow completely repulsive (sexually) or unattractive. I know these things are in my head and not at all the case. But there is just something about it causing me to feel stuck. Maybe because we have such an intimate relationship, but WW has zero sexual desire where she used to be on fire for me. I feel rejected and second best (which is nauseating). I'm unsure, but whatever the cause, it's an area I greatly need to explore for myself. I hate feeling unattractive and it makes me fearful of the future and dating. It also reminds me of why I need to push forward with this D. I can't stand the thought of being with someone that I don't drive wild. Ughh pukes.

In other news, my company is booming and I'm about to embark on another huge journey in adding a third practice into our network. This means about 10,000 extra hours of work to keep my mind busy and pre-occupied as well as growing into one heck of a BAB with a 20% pay raise to boot. Yay mini celebrations and being thankful for the little things.

KG

Last edited by KristinG; 10/28/20 05:22 PM.

LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
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KG - there is conflict avoidant during an R (unhealthy) and conflict avoidant during separation (saving yourself grief). I get the sense you were both. Some might say you need to kick WW out of the mbr and dismiss all types of affection. I personally think it's okay to play the conflict avoidant part right now as long as it is temporary and all the while you are still moving towards the D. There is only so much we can handle during the highly stressful and if simply not fighting is your goal that's a worthwhile goal. I also do think it could end up better for you to not fight her on legal stuff later.

That being said, if you don't want it, reject it. I think the "not fighting" approach only works if you're truly ambivalent and just can't muster the strength to be bothered. If you find it's sapping your energy even MORE to accept her cuddling then you should stop it. What if you closed the bedroom door while sleeping? Is there a lock on it? That would give her the answer while you get to remain silent.

Don't worry about feeling hot right now but know it will come back. Accept that as truth. Later, when you are truly separated you can consider some cute lingerie/undergarments in a style you feel great in. Being hot for no one but yourself is a great way to feel confident in your every day life. I got all matching undergarments after my separation so that no matter what day of the week it is I don't have to give it a second thought - I always match under my clothes and it always looks cute. No one knows this but me. Those bras or underwear you only wear on laundry day and they live in the back of your drawer? GET RID of them. It's kind of a great feeling to know everything you own is new and something you like.

So WW is cleaning out the apartment. What's the countdown for her moving out? I'm hoping it's soon?

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Oh hun, I'm so sorry to hear about the turn of events. It's really unfortunate, but maybe for the best so you can move on with your life instead of being stuck in an infinite loop of "she loves me, she loves me not."

Work sounds like a good and needed distraction for you.

I do worry that you are paying the lion's share out while WW gets a fresh shiny new life on your dime, but I'm not really one to talk. When I left my first H I legit left with only my family's antique Christmas ornaments and the clothes my daughter and I had. I just wanted it to be done. I didn't care how much it cost for me to start over as long as we could just be done, be done quickly, and be done without a huge fight. So I don't have much to offer in the "don't do that" area on all that.

I'm also worried about WW trampling over normal boundaries of a separating couple. Like Yail I worry about the energy vampire effect that this is going to have on you. I know you still love her, and this is so, so hard. That you welcome the touch and closeness, but this is hurting you. It's clearly causing you more pain that you don't deserve here.

Lastly, the undesirable thing. I think we all go though it. You aren't, you're a catch. And I'm sure a stone cold fox, but this awful stuff about being willing to leave you for someone else has this horrible side effect of making a person think they're deficient. You aren't. She is. There is a hole inside of WW that she can't fill. For now she thinks AP is filling that. She thinks that you or your MR is the cause of the hole, but you have to remember absolutely none of that is true. WW is deficient. She is broken and lost. She is grasping for band-aids and blame. No matter what contribution you have made in the MR not being perfect is irrelevant. You are eff-able. You are lovable. You are desirable and more so completely and totally worthy of love, of lust and everything in between.

Big virtual hugs KG xoxoxo

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Hi KG,

Congrats on the company expansion!! That is awesome. I think having something major and positive to dive into, especially once she moves out, will be a good thing.

In/re not feeling hot... I second what Yail and WF are saying. This isn't about you. it is about her. Remember maybe a year ago (oh god, have we been doing this for so long??) you went on a fun weekend excursion with your BF and out to bars and got hit on like crazy? Mmmmhmmm? Put yourself back in that mental state, remember how it felt, remember that just because your W is a flawed and confused person, it doesn't mean a single thing about YOU.

I'm hoping that she moves out soon... but I also remember that she was living separately from you for a long time and still trampling over all your boundaries, letting herself into your house, still spending affectionate time with you. So while I totally understand that you are picking where you can channel your strength and energy, and maybe that isn't into pushing her away when she comes into the MBR in the morning right now, do you have a plan for what your boundaries will be and how you'll enforce them once she moves out?

I share WF's concerns about your W continuing to trample on your boundaries and doing everything she can to keep you stuck. Moving out didn't stop her last time. I worry that divorce won't either. And with you living in her childhood home... I worry she'll be stopping by to grab one last thing for a long, long time. You will probably need to be the one to draw those lines and enforce them, and it is going to be HARD. Have you put any thought into this part?

(((KG)))


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Happy Halloween! May today be one of your good days.

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Journal:

We sign papers this week. I'm feeling very nervous and uneasy, but I know this is the right decision. WW moved out shortly before Thanksgiving. I'm settling into having my own place again and looking for ways to make it more "me". Currently, it looks barren and cold. I have a plan to repaint the main living room and am buying some funky abstract oil paintings to fill the space. Hopefully, that will be the first steps of making it my own.

WW and I still talk daily and spend a fair amount of time together. I'm really trying to let go and shift my focus to myself. It's still really hard at times, but easier than the time surrounding D-Day and D-Day 2. Our communications are mostly cordial and friendly, with very little pet names or flirting (which is a marked improvement from where I was 6 months ago). I'm working on letting go entirely. A part of me is hoping that will come easier after we sign papers. Maybe I'll feel safer to create boundaries and stop eating sh** sandwiches and stop gobbling up crumbs. I know that I feel at risk for some type of fight from being screwed over so much in past relationships. I am really proud of how amicable everything has been throughout the D prep. I feel like we have both been fair to each other and haven't tried to be greedy. Things I have gotten really good at: not reaching out to WW (I still respond - ugh crumbs) , making plans on my own with friends and without WW , finding other fun things to occupy my time.

I'm fairly certain WW is back with AP in secret. Funny story. I went to WW apartment to cook and watch a kids movie with our nephew this last weekend. SIL made a comment about WW being gone all night last night and that she assumed it was a "booty call" and that she was staying the night with me at the house. I looked at WW, smiled politely, and answered SIL that WW wasn't with me. Things did not get awkward and I didn't actually have an emotional response which I took as a win for myself. I'm trying to not let anything that WW does or doesn't do have any space in my mind. It's not easy, but I'm working on it.

I hope everyone had a good holiday season with their families.

KG


LBW 32 - me
WW 31
T 7 M 4
No Kids
4 dogs

Separated 1y
Navigating the mine field and GAL with or without
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