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Agreed, it is just a piece of paper. Never cared about the government's involvement.

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Not much going on.

Unsurprisingly, the piece of paper has not magically made my EW any happier, or improved her attitude at all.

I sniped at her a little yesterday when she was trying to get our D to take a nap. She was being a bear, and I didn't exactly like the methods my EW was trying to use. I tried to go and see if I could calm D down, but EW barked orders at me, which is something that has really gotten off my nerves, because it feels like I'm some servant/child and not one of the parents. One of the "orders" was to leave the room to leave my D to cry herself out, and as I left, I just quipped, "yes master, yes master." Shortly after this had failed and my wife had escalated things making D cry even more, I went back to try and calm her down, we both reach down to pick her up at the same time, and EW told me to stop. I just looked at her and said, "You escalate."

I immediately regretted it afterwards. Not that I tried to step in, or that I said something, but just the words/tone I chose were not productive.

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Originally Posted by CaptainN
Not much going on.

Unsurprisingly, the piece of paper has not magically made my EW any happier, or improved her attitude at all.


For someone that doesn't put much important on the piece of paper, you sure seem to put a lot of expectations on it.

[quote=CaptainN
I sniped at her a little yesterday when she was trying to get our D to take a nap. She was being a bear, and I didn't exactly like the methods my EW was trying to use. I tried to go and see if I could calm D down, but EW barked orders at me, which is something that has really gotten off my nerves, because it feels like I'm some servant/child and not one of the parents. One of the "orders" was to leave the room to leave my D to cry herself out, and as I left, I just quipped, "yes master, yes master." Shortly after this had failed and my wife had escalated things making D cry even more, I went back to try and calm her down, we both reach down to pick her up at the same time, and EW told me to stop. I just looked at her and said, "You escalate."

I immediately regretted it afterwards. Not that I tried to step in, or that I said something, but just the words/tone I chose were not productive.[/quote]

So what did you learn through this? What would you do differently? Likely, you will not agree with how your EW coparents with you 100% of the time. So how will you choose your battles? Now that you are D'd, I am assuming that coparenting in such close proximity will become a thing of the past? That you or she will get your own place? Then these little things like this won't happen because on her day she'll be on her own to put the child down for a nap. But if you are butting heads over something as small as putting the child down for a nap, what will happen with the more weighty matters?

CaptainN, I feel for you, I know you didn't ask for any of this, but you have to ask yourself if you handled the above the way you would have if you and your W were a happy couple rather than a couple that has recently D'd. IE do not let your personal feelings about what has transpired between the two of you cloud how you coparent with her. Children need consistency. One of the worst things that can happen in the dissolution of a marriage with kids involved is for the kids to feel like they can pit the parents against each other. That it is "me and mom" or "me and dad" against the other parent. I've witnessed that, it is has a scarring effect on the child. My W is the child of such an arrangement.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
Likely, you will not agree with how your EW co-parents with you 100% of the time. That you or she will get your own place? Then these little things like this won't happen because on her day she'll be on her own to put the child down for a nap.

A helpful rule of thumb--WHOSE parenting time is it? That's who should lead on how to parent. I assume your divorce settlement included terms on the days/times each of you has custody. When my ex-wife and I are in a shared space, we typically defer to whoever is actually responsible and in charge.

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Originally Posted by Steve85


For someone that doesn't put much important on the piece of paper, you sure seem to put a lot of expectations on it.


I had no expectations on it. That's why I said, "Unsurprisingly." I believe she had that expectation, however.

Quote

So what did you learn through this? What would you do differently? Likely, you will not agree with how your EW coparents with you 100% of the time. So how will you choose your battles? Now that you are D'd, I am assuming that coparenting in such close proximity will become a thing of the past? That you or she will get your own place? Then these little things like this won't happen because on her day she'll be on her own to put the child down for a nap. But if you are butting heads over something as small as putting the child down for a nap, what will happen with the more weighty matters?

CaptainN, I feel for you, I know you didn't ask for any of this, but you have to ask yourself if you handled the above the way you would have if you and your W were a happy couple rather than a couple that has recently D'd. IE do not let your personal feelings about what has transpired between the two of you cloud how you coparent with her. Children need consistency. One of the worst things that can happen in the dissolution of a marriage with kids involved is for the kids to feel like they can pit the parents against each other. That it is "me and mom" or "me and dad" against the other parent. I've witnessed that, it is has a scarring effect on the child. My W is the child of such an arrangement.



Initially, it wasn't really the nap that I was butting heads with her on. It was the way she just orders me around (and has for quite a long time). It's not exclusive to me, she does it with everyone. At least that's what it was a first. The 2nd part, I got tired of her yelling at our D (I feel she can be borderline verbally abusive at times), and was just trying to pull her out of that situation.

And to be quite honest, that, and the instances where she has put our D in less than ideal safety situations (including last week where she left our D2 alone in the bath while she went and did other chores around the house) make it very difficult to trust her enough to get out of the house anytime soon.

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So you had a baby with a woman that you can't trust to mother the child?


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Haven't followed your sitch but That is NOT ok.
Protect your child! File for full custody?

I have been writing down a long list of things W has done around the kids for potential custody battles.
I even put down things like "missed/skipped daughters ballet practice", " served unvaried food" (example only pasta and butter).

Last edited by Mumin; 06/15/20 09:05 PM.

Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Originally Posted by Steve85
So you had a baby with a woman that you can't trust to mother the child?

I didn't know that at the time. That's what happens when someone acts very differently than they had in the past.

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Originally Posted by Mumin
Haven't followed your sitch but That is NOT ok.
Protect your child! File for full custody?

I have been writing down a long list of things W has done around the kids for potential custody battles.
I even put down things like "missed/skipped daughters ballet practice", " served unvaried food" (example only pasta and butter).


I have a list (and some videos). My state demands a lot to move much off of 50/50.

Last edited by CaptainN; 06/15/20 09:50 PM.
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Hi Captain,

Originally Posted by Captain
e 2nd part, I got tired of her yelling at our D (I feel she can be borderline verbally abusive at times), and was just trying to pull her out of that situation.

And to be quite honest, that, and the instances where she has put our D in less than ideal safety situations (including last week where she left our D2 alone in the bath while she went and did other chores around the house) make it very difficult to trust her enough to get out of the house anytime soon.

Hrm. If you're only going to be living together a short time--didn't you say four months?--trying to control her behavior wouldn't seem to achieve much long-term. In 6-12 months your ex-W will be free of you. Wisdom moment. Is she fit? If so, learn to let go. Is she unfit? If so, instead of interfering, you probably want to work on a strategy with your attorney that includes documenting her interactions in some legal way so they have ammo to push your ex-W towards getting whatever help she needs to be a fit mom.

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