I suspect that people who don’t know you very well see you as a very put together person.
I'm more put together now than I was with H. Weird right?
Quote
Is this a part of the past issues from your early years?
I've been in and out of IC for 20 years due to childhood trauma. By the time I figured out H wasn't good for me I had little kids that I wouldn't leave.
Quote
I actually happen to totally agree with what Ginger said because it seems like if you aren’t focusing on H, you are ok, but if you let your mind run away with you, your mood tanks quickly when you perceive he is happier, better off, etc.
So he did what I wouldn't do. Leave. You'd think this would solve all my problems but sadly that's not how this works. I knew even I had been the one to leave I'd have to feel the pain that I've been running from my entire adult life. The pain is intensified when yes I perceive he is happier and better off.
Quote
I think you have the ability to be a strong, independent woman just working and raising her kids, but I don’t get the sense you believe that, which is why you’re so concerned with what H has and is or isn’t doing.
You are correct I don't believe this and this goes back to childhood wounds as well. I keep looking for quick fixes out of this mess (and I fighting back tears as I type this) there isn't one. I went 100% no contact 9 months ago for ME. He wanted me gone but would text just enough to keep me hooked. He had to go. If I had it my way he'd move 1,000 miles away and I'd know absolutely nothing about him.
Quote
And, I know I made this suggestion before, but I’ll make it again. Don’t engage your kids in discussions about him. They are all old enough to have their own relationships with him that are completely independent of you (or NOT have relationships if they choose not to).. If he upsets one of them, listen and validate, but try not to internalize it. Focus on changing how you respond and see if that doesn’t help your spiraling.
Engaging them in discussions brings me intense pain. I don't want to talk about him at all. As far as I'm concerned he's dead to me but we share kids so for now I'm stuck hearing about him and it hurts. A LOT. Then I spiral.
Quote
Your kids have you and they love you, so just love and support them. I fully realize it is nearly impossible to keep the kids from talking about H but maybe just try to keep it to the bare minimum. Maybe I missed something and I’ll admit, I didn’t go way back in your threads before you came here, but I’m not sure why the dinner thing was such a big deal. Your son went and you assumed he’d eat dinner there because of time, but he didn’t. So when he gets home and hasn’t eaten, fix him a sandwich and roll on. I’m sure I’m missing something that makes it more than that but from this outside perspective it really is that simple.
Do I just tell them that I don't want to hear about him? Let them vent when he hurts them but other than that stay out of it? Neutral? Change the subject? Leave the room? Self preservation? That's it isn't it?
We'd just moved and our cable went out. I told S19 that the modem was in H's name and he needed to remove it from his account. I was full on ready to run to best buy to avoid dealing with H but S19 was trying to save me money. H is a complete idiot and kept insisting that the cable was in HIS name. No just the modem. Texting wasn't working so H called S19 and I ran to my room to avoid hearing H's voice. H, being the idiot that he is still couldn't comprehend English and I felt trapped by both of them. I'm 5 months from BD (not doing well at all) so I grabbed my car keys and ran to walmart. S19 and probably H got the hint. Go away.
On dinner. A few months back S19 made last minute dinner plans with H and I was livid. Blasted S19 before gathering all the facts. S19 didn't do anything wrong it was all H. Yesterday S19 said he didn't eat with H to avoid a repeat of that night. Making him food wasn't the issue it was me feeling bad.
Quote
You are NOT a bad mother so you really need to work to get that out of your head.
Part of why H wasn't good for me is that he convinced me I was a bad mother. Right now he's waiting for me to fail so the kids will want to live with him. He's completely delusional I get it but his words are still embedded in my brain.
I left work at 11am today. My mood was down and I'm tired. It's true I do better when I don't know anything about H. In the past 2 weeks I got his settlement offer, found out the OW isn't the dept skank, she's not a cop but did work with him. I'm begging people at work to stop talking about her. No good can come from me knowing.
Last weekend OW was burning up H's phone and unbeknownst to him D14 was sitting right there reading the texts to D17. H was outside and had left his phone inside. I'm in the living room and ugh I should have walked out. S19 then connected the dots and said the OW calls often. He wouldn't have known this had I kept my mouth shut or left the room before I knew any of it. Now S19 keeps saying the OW is me version 2.0. Same shoes, same purse, same glasses and she's annoying H just like I did (long story).
So yeah I'm not doing well. I do keep messing up no doubt.
24 hours later and I haven’t pulled out of this yet. S19 borrowed Hs hair cut kit but you know um he’s out, won’t be home till later, then he needs to pick up dinner, can’t find it. All lies my kids know where he’s at. They are disgusted by him and all I can think is ugh please make the pain stop.
He thinks he’s being so nice by giving us toilet paper and my favorite brand of beans. The kids just laughed at how stupid he is. I didn’t respond other than a word or two. Kept my nose in a book and tried to ground myself. It isn’t working today.
I saw a book on Amazon today - haven’t read it - but it looked like it might be a good read for you. It was titled How to Kill a Narcissist. About recovering from narcissistic abuse.
As for OW being like you - well, you can rest assured your marriage didn’t break up because you weren’t his “type”. Also he’s already making OW feel desperate too. So stop imagining his life is a bowl of cherries - it’s not. Also stop imagining this was your fault - it’s not.
Focus on creating a happy, adventurous life. Listen to the kids but don’t badmouth your ex to them. And don’t make it about you.
You got this. Fake it til you make it. You’re smart and creative and you’re going to make a cool new life for yourself.
Last edited by job; 05/12/2003:11 PM. Reason: edited a word for kml
I saw a book on Amazon today - haven’t read it - but it looked like it might be a good read for you. It was titled How to Kill a Narcissist. About recovering from narcissistic abuse.
My father was a narcissist. I always saw H as the complete opposite as my father but with some distance I'm seeing the similarities. My support leader thinks H is a covert narcissist which does fit. He is 100% a dismissive avoidant and there is some overlap between a covert N and a DA. Regardless both will make you mentally ill in the end. Despite being devastated at BD I did improve with him gone. It was a short lived reprieve and now the pain is back. I've read this is normal when recovering from a trauma bond. I'm adding that book to my reading list now. Thank you so much for the recommendation.
Quote
As for OW bring like you - well, you can rest assured your marriage didn’t break up because you weren’t his “type”. Also he’s already making OW feel desperate too. So stop imagining his life is a bowl of cherries - it’s not. Also stop imagining this was your fault - it’s not.
Dismissive avoidants can't function without supply and their targets all have an anxious attachment style. This is their type and it's what S19 is seeing. The honeymoon period with him will be fantastic but once that ends her anxiety will be activated. He's on a pedestal by now and she worships him. You'd think having this much devotion would make him happy but nope. Without non stop reassurance she will get angry A LOT and well that's not fun. No matter how much she tries to stuff it or medicate it (been there done that) it's still there and it will make appearances. On the milder side it's arguments on the extreme it's full on bunny boiler. He will experience both.
Quote
Focus on creating a happy, adventurous life. Listen to the kids but don’t badmouth your ex to them. And don’t make it about you.
You got this. Fake it til you make it. You’re smart and creative and you’re going to make a cool new life for yourself.
If I can get over him and get a decent settlement I think I'll be okay. I worry a lot about my future though. I haven't seen my mother in 20 years and I ended up renting a house 4 doors down from her. She appears to be a recluse but I saw her out yesterday. She's lost a lot of weight, walks slow, hunched over and she's only 74. Keep in mind I will have to work until I'm 75 so that image scared the you know what out of me. D17 and S19 said "yes but she's a miserable person and it's aged her". Okay so maybe that's true. My sister is 50 and my kids say she looks 60. I'm 54 and no one believes me. A few strands of gray hair and no wrinkles. My kids say my face looks younger now because I'm not as stressed as I was with H. Yeah he's getting to me but it was worse when I lived with him. This makes no sense does it??
It's possible that he could at some point get lucky and find someone stable but he's not attracted to those women. He may not like the anger or the drama but it's familiar. If I dated right now I'd land another N or an avoidant because I haven't healed yet.
I found this woman's blog yesterday and she discussed how even if you're healing avoidant men will still enter your life as some sort of karmic lesson. So she met this guy and liked him. Despite seeing the red flags and knowing better she continued with the R. Wasn't long before her anxiety was triggered, she started focusing on his life more than hers and they played house way too soon. Luckily she caught it and set some boundaries. She gave him the chance to step up and change but that's too hard so the R ended.
I’m going to give you a scenario and it’s not to sound mean, but to get you to think and perhaps refocus.
You speak of dating another man. Imagine that man was so embroiled in his STBXW’s and everyone of of her moods and emotions set his moods and emotions off and made him spin? Would you want to date a guy who was still so affected by his ex W?
When you stop worrying so much about your H and more about you and your feelings aren’t dependent on him, you will be open to a HEALTHY relationship. Right now, your enmeshment in your ex would not bring a healthy relationship to the table not be fair to the person you are dating.
If you really want a healthy R in the future, you need to keep continuing to get healthy and not have your emotions dependent on your H
My mother was a doormat who did whatever my father wanted her to do. She had me when she was 20 and I became the target of her anger. You'd think my father beat the system and was happy. Nope. That anger still seeps out even if it's passive aggressive and besides I don't think N's are ever truly happy. To the public my mother was the epitome of a southern belle. She was beautiful, charming, people loved her, but no one knew what she was like behind closed doors. My sister and I called her mommie dearest or the Godmother as in cross her and you'll find a severed horse head in your bed.
I’m going to give you a scenario and it’s not to sound mean, but to get you to think and perhaps refocus.
You speak of dating another man. Imagine that man was so embroiled in his STBXW’s and everyone of of her moods and emotions set his moods and emotions off and made him spin? Would you want to date a guy who was still so affected by his ex W?
When you stop worrying so much about your H and more about you and your feelings aren’t dependent on him, you will be open to a HEALTHY relationship. Right now, your enmeshment in your ex would not bring a healthy relationship to the table not be fair to the person you are dating.
If you really want a healthy R in the future, you need to keep continuing to get healthy and not have your emotions dependent on your H
I'm a year out from BD after 30 years together. We've been together longer than I've been alone and well it's a lot to process kwim?
I talk about R's to remind myself that his isn't all roses and unicorns (I kinda need this right now) not because I want one. I've had a man in my life for 40 years and the thought of having one right now makes my skin crawl. My support leader says this is normal as well as I heal from abuse.
When I talk about dating what I'm really saying is I think I NEED a man to take care of me. The part of me that could charm a man into taking care of me doesn't exist. Also the part that would toss my kids aside for a man doesn't exist either so you see I'm kinda in a pickle. I either resurrect the old me (pass) or I move forward.
