A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL JANUARY OFFER -- SAVE $60
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $330

CALL 303-444-7004 or use code: SAVE_$60 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4
Re: Almost 5 weeks after D-Day [Re: BobP] #2895426
05/20/20 01:24 PM
05/20/20 01:24 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 77
J
jstrembr Offline
Member
jstrembr  Offline
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 77
BobP,

I'm pretty new to this forum, so I don't have a lot of advice, just wanted to chime in on some of your thoughts, because I felt very similar at times.

My wife has said many of the same things your wife has said, and also made some attempts to discuss problems in our marriage prior to having an affair. I certainly did take her for granted and I will own up to my mistakes. I had many days where I was just so mad at myself.

However, it does not justify her having an affair, if she was that unhappy then she should have just left, or continue to try and work with me on the marriage. The problem is she did have an affair, and deep down I believe she knows it was not the right thing to do. So then she starts with the justification, saying all the same things your wife says, we weren't right for each other, etc. Anything to justify the guilt. So I've come to the realization that I can't continue to be mad at myself, the past is the past, I'm still hopeful we could build a new future, but I have to just be happy with myself and know I'm a good person that will continue to have a good life with our without her.

My wife also started looking for a home with affair partner, after only 7 months, and that's not even 7 months of seeing him full time. She is still married to me, he is still married, we own our home together. It makes no sense at all to be looking for a new home, and yet she is. She has also said she wants a divorce, seen a lawyer, etc, but here we are, 7 months and not divorced. So my point with that is, until she actually files the paperwork, it's just words. Keep following the advice of all the pros here and at a minimum you will come out of this a happy person ready to take on the future, but you might also come out of this saving your marriage.

Re: Almost 5 weeks after D-Day [Re: jstrembr] #2895434
05/20/20 03:18 PM
05/20/20 03:18 PM
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 23
CT
B
BobP Offline OP
New Member
BobP  Offline OP
New Member
B
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 23
CT
Originally Posted by jstrembr
BobP,

I'm pretty new to this forum, so I don't have a lot of advice, just wanted to chime in on some of your thoughts, because I felt very similar at times.

My wife has said many of the same things your wife has said, and also made some attempts to discuss problems in our marriage prior to having an affair. I certainly did take her for granted and I will own up to my mistakes. I had many days where I was just so mad at myself.

However, it does not justify her having an affair, if she was that unhappy then she should have just left, or continue to try and work with me on the marriage. The problem is she did have an affair, and deep down I believe she knows it was not the right thing to do. So then she starts with the justification, saying all the same things your wife says, we weren't right for each other, etc. Anything to justify the guilt. So I've come to the realization that I can't continue to be mad at myself, the past is the past, I'm still hopeful we could build a new future, but I have to just be happy with myself and know I'm a good person that will continue to have a good life with our without her.

My wife also started looking for a home with affair partner, after only 7 months, and that's not even 7 months of seeing him full time. She is still married to me, he is still married, we own our home together. It makes no sense at all to be looking for a new home, and yet she is. She has also said she wants a divorce, seen a lawyer, etc, but here we are, 7 months and not divorced. So my point with that is, until she actually files the paperwork, it's just words. Keep following the advice of all the pros here and at a minimum you will come out of this a happy person ready to take on the future, but you might also come out of this saving your marriage.


Jstrembr, yes a day hasn't gone by over the last 6 weeks where I haven't been incensed with myself for having dropped the ball. If I had been able to sense the true gravity of how bad things had become, how unhappy she really was, how lonely she must have felt, then perhaps we could have staved this off. I know myself to be a well-meaning and reasonable person who can be accessible. So why wasn't I as responsive as I needed to be to her concerns? I don't know. I ask myself that everyday. Maybe there are some inherent differences in the way the sexes interact, and unless if one is a natural, those who develop the good communication skills necessary to sustain a marriage have mindfully acquired them over time. So I shoulder much of the burden of my situation, but you're right, I need to remind myself that there was no justification for an EA which inevitably led to the PA. Like yourself, I believe she probably feels guilt deep down, but I truly doubt that in her current state of mind she is feeling any remorse. She sees me now as the central figure of a chapter of her life she has decided to put behind, one that had begun with hope but ended in unhappiness, one that she sees as beyond repair. Now she looks to the future feeling a guarantee of happiness with the OM, the heroic figure who rescued her from the prior chapter.

My W called me yesterday to let me know that she had talked with an atty and was optimistic that this could happen relatively soon. Our situation isn't going to be overly complicated re our assets. We have no children together. She owns the home. It wouldn't appear that I'm going to have the time to save the marriage. But as you said, I have all the time in the world to take on the future and become a happy person. My prayers that in time you can be successful in achieving a R with your W, and that the resulting relationship be happier and stronger than the one before.

Re: Almost 5 weeks after D-Day [Re: BobP] #2895515
05/21/20 04:52 AM
05/21/20 04:52 AM
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 184
NYC
S
SteveS Offline
Member
SteveS  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 184
NYC
Originally Posted by BobP


Jstrembr, yes a day hasn't gone by over the last 6 weeks where I haven't been incensed with myself for having dropped the ball. If I had been able to sense the true gravity of how bad things had become, how unhappy she really was, how lonely she must have felt, then perhaps we could have staved this off. I know myself to be a well-meaning and reasonable person who can be accessible. So why wasn't I as responsive as I needed to be to her concerns? I don't know. I ask myself that everyday. Maybe there are some inherent differences in the way the sexes interact, and unless if one is a natural, those who develop the good communication skills necessary to sustain a marriage have mindfully acquired them over time. So I shoulder much of the burden of my situation, but you're right, I need to remind myself that there was no justification for an EA which inevitably led to the PA. Like yourself, I believe she probably feels guilt deep down, but I truly doubt that in her current state of mind she is feeling any remorse. She sees me now as the central figure of a chapter of her life she has decided to put behind, one that had begun with hope but ended in unhappiness, one that she sees as beyond repair. Now she looks to the future feeling a guarantee of happiness with the OM, the heroic figure who rescued her from the prior chapter.

My W called me yesterday to let me know that she had talked with an atty and was optimistic that this could happen relatively soon. Our situation isn't going to be overly complicated re our assets. We have no children together. She owns the home. It wouldn't appear that I'm going to have the time to save the marriage. But as you said, I have all the time in the world to take on the future and become a happy person. My prayers that in time you can be successful in achieving a R with your W, and that the resulting relationship be happier and stronger than the one before.


Hi Bob,

I'm sorry that things are moving so quickly, but I wanted to share with you some wisdom from my journey that you might find helpful.

I definitely went through - and still do - the wringer of guilt and remorse for things. I think everyone here has. But none of us are sociopaths, none of us actively sought to damage our relationships: we did the best we could. Hindsight is always 20/20, so I'd ask you to show some compassion for yourself and realize that in the same way that WAS re-write histories to be worse than they really were, LBS often re-write histories where they're much worse partners than they really were.

I can't speak for you, but for me this is about agency. It's another way of saying "If I shoulder the blame, and we agree that I'm at fault and what I did wrong, then if I fix it, we'll be OK! She'll see!" And while doing 180s on problem behavior and earnestly committing towards self-growth are the right things to do, please make sure that you're doing so for the right reasons. Nothing is in control other than how we live on our lives.

I suspect that the pace in which she's moving towards D will slow down. Call it a hunch. I'm not a veteran on here like some, but I've read enough stories to know that when the time comes to really confront the gravity of the situation and sign on the dotted line, it's not so easy.

Last edited by SteveS; 05/21/20 04:52 AM.

Me: 37, WAW: 32
T: 7.5, M: 2.25
NYC
BD: 5/19/19, S: 6/21/19
Re: Almost 5 weeks after D-Day [Re: BobP] #2895529
05/21/20 12:53 PM
05/21/20 12:53 PM
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 23
CT
B
BobP Offline OP
New Member
BobP  Offline OP
New Member
B
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 23
CT
Hi SteveS,

Thanks for the reply. The re-writing of our history has been the most baffling aspect of all of this for me. It's been the most emotionally painful. We were together for 14 years and decided to get married 2 1/2 years ago. We were in the middle of a prolonged positive cycle at the time, feeling good about ourselves and our relationship which had withstood some challenging times. We recognized we were each other's best friend and significant other and had been each other's invaluable support through family tragedies and life events for over a decade. I think we saw one another as the one person we knew we could always count on to be there. So today when she tells people that our marriage was a mistake and that she asks herself everyday why she did it, I'm flabbergasted, left to wonder if we're living in alternate realities, and hurt to my core. Can I ever trust anyone else ever again? Will I ever be able to feel secure in a relationship ever again? Can I ever know for certain the love and trust we appear to have as axiomatic is actual reality or just my imagination? 6 1/2 weeks since BD and I'm still in a place I never thought I'd ever be. And everything is happening so fast with breakneck speed. It's tough to absorb everything both emotionally and intellectually.

I do need to have compassion for myself. I know my first instinct is to blame myself. Another instinct is to roll up my sleeves and fix whatever the problems are. It's frustrating knowing that the opportunity to do so isn't going to be there because of her current state of mind which may not ever change. I think I know what I need to do, and that's to try to move on and work on myself for myself. I can't control what her perceptions are and what her feelings are at this time. I moved out. She's free to do whatever. I'm leaving her alone. I'll try to get detached, but man, that will be tough.

Re: Almost 5 weeks after D-Day [Re: BobP] #2895865
05/26/20 01:42 PM
05/26/20 01:42 PM
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 23
CT
B
BobP Offline OP
New Member
BobP  Offline OP
New Member
B
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 23
CT
Yesterday was the first day I saw my W since the day I moved out on Mother's Day May 10th. I swung by to pick up our dog who I'll have for the next week. The transfer probably didn't last any longer than 3 or 4 minutes which was good considering how raw my feelings have been. There was no weirdness, both of us were upbeat and friendly yet in a somewhat coolish kind of way. The talk was only about the dog, then we both seemed in an anxious competition to see who would finish the talking first, which I would say was probably a tie.

There was definitely a sense of more distance between us, more so than on the day I left when there was still some remnants of past habits re the way we talked with one another and came into contact. The OM is there constantly. When she's not working they're doing something together. Apparently they're looking at buying waterfront property together. No doubt there is a tighter connection between the two of them then there was even two weeks ago. Whether what they have is for real or just a fantasy I don't know. As I know them both I can say there is no doubt they have much in common and their musical efforts being in the same band can definitely tighten their bond. It's just mind boggling for me the speed in which everything is happening. Just 2 1/2 months ago there was still evidence of at least some emotional investment on her part toward our marriage.

Having the dog this week should be good therapy. I need something to help jar me from this funk. People ask me how I'm doing and I'll offer the "I'm hanging in there", "Doing the best I can", or "Well I've been better but I'll be okay". The truth is I've never known a feeling of crappiness like this before which I can't even begin to explain. I'm sure everyone here knows what I mean. I feel absolutely gutted. I know I need to GAL. Today I'll take the dog for a nice hike. Being out in nature can sometimes be rejuvenating.

Re: Almost 5 weeks after D-Day [Re: BobP] #2895869
05/26/20 01:58 PM
05/26/20 01:58 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 1,608
K
KitCat Offline
Member
KitCat  Offline
Member
K
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 1,608
Hugs! The exchange must have been hard.

Dogs have a way of healing our souls.

Enjoy your time with your 4 legged friend on that hike today!

Re: Almost 5 weeks after D-Day [Re: BobP] #2895875
05/26/20 02:18 PM
05/26/20 02:18 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,199
S
Steve85 Offline
Member
Steve85  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,199
Originally Posted by BobP
Yesterday was the first day I saw my W since the day I moved out on Mother's Day May 10th. I swung by to pick up our dog who I'll have for the next week. The transfer probably didn't last any longer than 3 or 4 minutes which was good considering how raw my feelings have been. There was no weirdness, both of us were upbeat and friendly yet in a somewhat coolish kind of way. The talk was only about the dog, then we both seemed in an anxious competition to see who would finish the talking first, which I would say was probably a tie.

There was definitely a sense of more distance between us, more so than on the day I left when there was still some remnants of past habits re the way we talked with one another and came into contact. The OM is there constantly. When she's not working they're doing something together. Apparently they're looking at buying waterfront property together. No doubt there is a tighter connection between the two of them then there was even two weeks ago. Whether what they have is for real or just a fantasy I don't know. As I know them both I can say there is no doubt they have much in common and their musical efforts being in the same band can definitely tighten their bond. It's just mind boggling for me the speed in which everything is happening. Just 2 1/2 months ago there was still evidence of at least some emotional investment on her part toward our marriage.

Having the dog this week should be good therapy. I need something to help jar me from this funk. People ask me how I'm doing and I'll offer the "I'm hanging in there", "Doing the best I can", or "Well I've been better but I'll be okay". The truth is I've never known a feeling of crappiness like this before which I can't even begin to explain. I'm sure everyone here knows what I mean. I feel absolutely gutted. I know I need to GAL. Today I'll take the dog for a nice hike. Being out in nature can sometimes be rejuvenating.



Bob, you seem disappointed that there wasn't more of a conversation on the pick up of the dog. I would suggest that your goals should be to pick the dog up with no words at all! Hi. Thank you. at a maximum.

Also, lots of focus on her and what she is doing in paragraph 2. I want to know what Bob is going to do to get himself out of the "feeling of crappiness". That is on you, not her. People around us make crappy decisions, that's on them. How we let it affect us and our life is on us. Yes, there should be a period where you mourn the loss of your relationship. But look at your sitch. You are on your own. She has moved OM in. You need to grab your bootstrings, pick yourself up off teh ground, and go get that awesome life that you so deserve!! These things can paralyze you for a long time if you let it. I let my ex-GF paralyze me for nearly 20 years. Definitely a good 12 years, before I realized that I deserved better and went out in search of it!

The would you received was not your doing. But doing what it takes to close that wound and heal certainly is!


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Almost 5 weeks after D-Day [Re: BobP] #2896700
06/03/20 03:04 PM
06/03/20 03:04 PM
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 23
CT
B
BobP Offline OP
New Member
BobP  Offline OP
New Member
B
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 23
CT
Not much new to report. I've been reaching out to friends, and old friends, and getting caught up with them. Many are surprised at what's happened, always stating how happy we had seemed together. I guess this is probably a common response. I've been taking brisk walks in the mornings and trying to get my mind off things by reengaging with my interests, including some that I hadn't been involved with for years. I'm spending a lot of time trying to envision what my future life is going to be like, and how things in time might not be so bad and that I might actually feel freedom and happiness with the next chapter of my life.

Had to meet up with the W the other day for a dog transfer and to briefly talk about our taxes and what to do with the government stimulus debit card that arrived with both our names on it. We botched up where we were supposed to meet which added more tension to the get together than what should have been necessary. She's even more different now, only three weeks after my moving out, than she was during the five weeks between BD and moving out. Decidedly distant and for the first time ever, wielding a hard to hide feeling of what seemed like contempt.

I left the meeting feeling like this is a completely different person than the one I had been with for the past 14 years. Seeing her like that makes it easier to let go and to say to heck with all of this. If this is what she's become why would I ever be interested again? I wish I could say I'm at a point where it didn't bother me at all, but getting to that point is going to take a long time. It was only several months ago when she was still acting like a wife, though things were definitely stirring behind the scenes and below the surface more than I realized at the time. Man do I wish I had realized the severity of the upcoming storm during the second half of last year. In the interest of harmony I didn't address the apparent unhappiness as seriously as I should have thinking it would just go away and work itself out like it had during prior negative cycles. Bad Mistake! Not a mistake I'll ever make again. I'll always believe that this marriage was salvageable, and could have been immensely improved for both of us, if only I hadn't been so conflict avoidant. Too late now.

I'm still going through a grieving process just two months since BD. I'm trying my best to snap out of it by GALing, as mentioned earlier. When considering denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, I'd say right now the anger is probably where I'm at more than the others. I don't know if they're suppose to go in that order or if they're felt with a lot of overlap, each one intensifying at times, subsiding, then coming back. It's going to be rough, I still love and miss the woman I knew ( I don't love the one I saw the other day), I was never as close to anyone as I had been with her for all that time, but I have no choice but to move forward and try to weather this storm the best I can. I wish I could just turn a switch and I'd instantly be Detached, but I realize it's a process and I'll get there in time.

Re: Almost 5 weeks after D-Day [Re: BobP] #2897726
06/17/20 02:21 AM
06/17/20 02:21 AM
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 87
S
Spiral Offline
Member
Spiral  Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2020
Posts: 87
Bob,

Let us know how it's going.

-Spiral

Re: Almost 5 weeks after D-Day [Re: BobP] #2897743
06/17/20 07:10 AM
06/17/20 07:10 AM
Joined: Jun 2020
Posts: 23
Houston, Texas
S
ShaneG Offline
New Member
ShaneG  Offline
New Member
S
Joined: Jun 2020
Posts: 23
Houston, Texas
Originally Posted by BobP
If this is what she's become why would I ever be interested again?


I'm a newby and maybe not yet cynical enough, but what I took from this statement is that you need to assess which person is real. Could she have been faking it for 14 years or is she faking it now as an emotional defense? I would think the latter. In which case, its a good person doing a bad thing. Happens all the time. Welcome to humanity.

I think that if you ignore her acting then the acting becomes wearisome, natural human laziness takes over, her real nature reasserts, and eventually the person you knew will re-materialize.

In the meantime, figure out if the person you knew is worthy of the person you are becoming.

Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004