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Happy Sunday!

Enjoying my first pot of tea in a quiet house. After a few months I've finally made some time to clean off my desk so have been scanning and shredding.

S's back is still giving her a lot of grief but it seems that her chiropractor is opening soon. A lot of stuff has made it in to the house and is piled here and there. As I bring it in, I try to have some semblance of order. S assures me that everything will be organized and put away before too long but personally I expect that it will take the better part of a year. My ex-wife instilled in me a deep rooted fear of touching "her stuff" which in this case is probably a fairly good idea.

We had a "trigger" moment over this past week as S has run out of clean socks so I volunteered to do her laundry for her. She wasn't keen on the idea and pointed out that once, years ago that her father had accidentally shrunk one of her favourite shirts. "Whatever". On Saturday I volunteered again saying that I would need instruction because I didn't want to do it "wrong" like her Dad did which got me a hairy eyeball but I think the point was made. She later asked me to carry stuff down and set it up so she could reach it. She did the sorting and washing, I did the hanging on the line and folding. I think that the point was made albeit dangerously that we need to watch what we say to each other and how. I was in fact offended because I've been doing laundry for 40 years and like with the doing of dishes argument we had earlier this year, just because I do it differently, doesn't mean that my way is wrong nor her's.

One thing that S has finally realized that I think is healthy especially with the current lock-down is that while I appreciate offers of assistance to do the dishes that it's my "me" time. I listen to my podcasts, give everything a good tidy and feel good about it. Last night she sat in the kitchen for a while while I was doing the dishes as she had something to do there and then suggested that I could listen to my podcast (which I left off). So - I started it up - a fascinating interview with an author about his new book on Alaric the Goth and how his life was shaped by how Roman society treated the gothic tribes in the 5th century. She retreated to the living room and played games on her phone wink

I do think that S and S13 are adapting to live here with me and I with them. It's going to take time and there certainly will be more bumps. The "battle of the kitchen" is still being navigated. The key difference is that S is used to having to work with a wide variety of tastes and appetites and I'm not. So - there are more left-overs, more random ingredients etc than what I'm accustomed to. Her kitchen habits are also more laissez faire than mine, leaving open packages of things on the counter. I know that there are bugs and random critters in the house and don't. Thus far it doesn't seem to be an issue with me tidying things up. We are both looking forward to when all of her kitchen stuff is here to pulling everything out and re-organizing the cupboards and pantry. I did some of this with B last spring (was it only that recently?) and that worked fairly well. S has different needs and issues, mainly around not being able to pull heavy things from lower cabinets.

I believe that S13 is going back to his Dad for a week or so later today so that will change the dynamics of the house again. S is still weirded out when there are NO kids to take care of underfoot.

I picked up some ginger kombucha while grocery shopping yesterday. Tasty stuff. Rather expensive but when I compared the cost of one bottle of it at about $5 to the cost of the 2 cans of beer that it was replacing, it worked out fairly well. I think I will get more although will try to find a lower cost supplier.

Crazy busy day yesterday. It was my nephew's birthday party and we just didn't have time to make it and I was also concerned about the number of people who would be there not social distancing. My sister-in-law is one of those who are on the "Covid is no big deal" bandwagon and has bought in to a number of the more common consipiracy theories. I've tried to refute her but she is firm in her beliefs and so don't want to add more risk.

Didn't really have much time anyway. Long day wearing a mask. I went to the bank resuming that habit and had a nice visit with the teller (who at one point I considered dating) then met S at the flower shop so that she could order a bouquet for her daughter's wedding next Saturday (only mothers invited). 3 grocery stores, 2 pharmacies and then back home and mask finally off. 2 loads of laundry, cutting the grass which hadn't been done in over a week and I was whooped. S17 came for dinner which S made and all enjoyed. I picked up some disposable masks and was floored by the asking price but re-thought that at roughly $1 / mask that it was fairly decent. We have 5 fabric masks and are now finding that they aren't lasting us for the whole week any more.

S has noticed that my feet and legs have been swelling more than usual lately and expressed concern. Peripheral artery disease has been an issue for me for many years. I've also been experiencing some tendon pain lately. I know exactly what the issue is and what the cure is and just need to do it. I've not been walking. In large part because I've been so busy or at least that's my excuse. I need to make that part of my routine. I'd hoped that having the dog here would have encouraged me to do that but despite being told that she loves to go on walks, she'll only go about 3 blocks, stopping every 20 feet to pee on or roll in something and then wants to go home. I need to do a brisk walk for at least an hour at least twice a week. Gotta do that. I'm writing right here and now that I'll do a walk today to make myself accountable.

My lilacs are blooming nicely and smell divine. S had cautioned me that she was allergic and that I couldn't bring a bouquet into the house - but it turns out that these ones don't bother her at least outside. I had been intending on doing it yesterday but today I'll cut some and do my traditionally "visit the relatives" at the various cemeteries in the area. S has no interest in coming along and this is "my" thing that I started doing about 5 years ago. It should be a gorgeous day to be out and for a "visit".

S's kids are coming to dinner (other than S17) and I'm doing up a large ham that I had originally bought for Easter. Scalloped potatoes are on the menu as well. I'm not sure how many will actually show and haven't heard from my S25 if he's coming too or not. He hasn't come for the last few weeks although I did tell him that he was welcome but did also mention that there will be others here. S's D25 and he are old friends though and he loves babies so he might come - or might now. I suspect that I will have a fair amount of leftovers wink

Well - time to update my books from yesterday's purchases and then a quick shower and off and around.


On BD
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kml Offline
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Yum - ham and scalloped potatoes! CMM is Jewish so I have rarely had ham in the last year and a half. (Yet he loves shrimp, go figure).

As for laundry - DON’T ever do a woman’s laundry! We’ve all had precious items ruined by well-meaning boyfriends and husbands, it’s just not worth the risk. Women’s clothes are too fickle!

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Originally Posted by AndrewP


Having air conditioning in at least part of the house is something that she was very clear on as a requirement quite some time ago as she just can't stand the heat which she puts down to being a red-head. I don't know enough to judge, just that we evolved to not have air conditioning and that we can adapt.

You are a man. She is a woman of a certain age. I'm glad you've given in on this. It's the wise path. Trust me.

Originally Posted by AndrewP


From what I learned here, being comfortable with yourself is the first step and then you decide if being a couple is what you want. I did make a comment that I felt secure and complete in myself and wasn't looking to change myself just to be a good partner for S and the facilitator was pleased about that suggesting that was exactly the right path.


Excellent!
Originally Posted by AndrewP


One of the challenges I have is that there is a presumption that everyone has come from a dysfunctional / traumatic relationship. While the ending was traumatic for me, and perhaps in hindsight the relationship wasn't great, I felt and still feel that I had a decent marriage. So when we are asked to identify for example what is needed in an "ideal" relationship, most people came up with a long laundry list of what they "don't" want - turned to be the positive version. So for S for example since she felt that she didn't have a voice in past relationships, she looks for "equality".

All I had down was "respect".

There was also a section where you were supposed to dream about an ideal future and what it looks like and who you want to become. Again, something I struggle with. I like me. I like S. I like my life. I'm good. I do know that S and I have things to work through to become a couple and that's the reason I'm there.


I think if one is single or in a newish relationship in their 50s, then something happened, either trauma (death of a spouse/divorce) or dysfunction. Statistically, that's a safe bet.


"ideal"

Hmmm. Am I the only one bothered by that concept? When has anything in life ever been ideal?
How often have people trashed completely satisfactory lives because of some notion of Ideal that wasn't met, and perhaps could never be?

And, I'm an INFJ saying this!!!

Originally Posted by AndrewP


Am I perhaps the exception as someone who looks back on their marriage as being a decent life with a fairly decent person? Knowing what I know now I have absolutely no interest in going back but is it so rare to have just let it all go and move on?




I don't know, Andrew. I was with exh 26 years. We had a brutal patch for about a year when he was first diagnosed with Hashimoto's and hypothyroidism (at that point his TSH was over 100 - and I had no clue what any of that meant). We had a progressively difficult four years pre BD. That's 5 years out of 26. And even then, our 19th wedding anniversary was the most romantic night of my life, because he made it so. Our 20th anniversary, he was more engaged than I, because I felt a presentiment that something was going to go dreadfully wrong. He, meanwhile, wanted us to go pick out new china and spent the evening telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was. Seemed genuine to me. My point is, about 20% of our marriage was difficult, and not every moment of that 20%. So, I'd say on balance we had a good and loving marriage.. Yes, Kml, I'm aware exh talked badly about me to my uncle and aunt, and was set straight on what a man's expectation should be by a man he greatly respected. I still maintain that the relationship was pretty solid for a long stretch. So - no, Andrew, you are not the exception.


M 20+ T25+
S ~15.5 (BD)
BD 4/6/15
D 12/23/16

"Someone I loved once gave me
A box full of darkness.
It took me years to understand,
That this too, was a gift."
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Thanks kml and bttrfly.

I'd not done a roast ham like this one before (bone in and with a nice layer of fat on it) and it turned out pretty well. One a semi-whim, I poured some cider vinegar over it when it was almost done. I think that added nicely to the flavour. Everyone ate their fill and it turns out that my cheese sauce is now "famous" and everyone kept nagging at others to not be greedy. I wasn't thrilled by how the scalloped potatoes turned out - never made this much before - but the pot was pretty much cleaned out. S likes my attitude - people show up - I feed them. I'm learning how to use the steamer that S brought with her. I have no idea how I managed for all these years without one. As a coincidence it's a Lagostina that fits into the Lagostina pots I got last year.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
And, I'm an INFJ saying this!!!
INTJ-A here. S has told me that she's an INFP. I just retook the test though and got ISTJ-A - perhaps I've become more of a realist in recent years. I was trying to remember what my ex was but only recall that she was an extrovert - take charge type. S25 had the same results as his mother just introverted vs extroverted.

People do change over time - hopefully for the better. I know that the old me would have been annoyed with a crowd of people showing up to be fed. I've become perhaps more of a "caretaker" in recent years which makes some sense in that I've had to do for myself rather than being part of a team. I expect that this will continue even now that I'm re-partnered.

Originally Posted by bttrfly
I still maintain that the relationship was pretty solid for a long stretch. So - no, Andrew, you are not the exception.
I think that's something that people who haven't gone through our experiences fail to understand and is one of the reasons I keep coming back to this community.

My marriage was by no means ideal and yes in hindsight I had a better life on my own in many ways than I did with my ex. If I had a time machine with a "make it not happen" stick and her affair and the related drama could be made to not have happened then I probably would have remained content and married to her. But it did happen. Paths were chosen that cannot be walked back. That's where we as the LBS are counseled to not take our former spouses back unless they are willing to face what happened and do their own hard work of accepting it. Which I know my ex will never do. She has too much pride, too little compassion to ever do that. In all the years we were married I never got one single sincere apology from her about anything. And this can't be fixed by snapping "sorry ok?" at me.

She's firmly pulled her hole in after her and I honestly don't expect her to ever come out of it. She's burned too many bridges and while in the moment was capable of being strong and taking care of business, anything hard that required sustained effort was never done.

For many people who haven't lost their partner to death, they will often have a clear idea on why their marriage didn't work out and subscribe to the "two sides to every story" sorts of narrative. Even though in some ways it was me who pulled the plug on the legal part of the marriage, that was only after her preferences for OM were plain and persistent.

For any others out there
Originally Posted by Andrew's Cheese sauce
  • Melt a knob of butter over low heat
  • Add in a bit of flour (I use gluten free) and stir until "cooked"
  • Season with a bit of pepper and garlic
  • Add 2% milk and warm up to just under a boil
  • Add pieces of old cheddar and mozzarella in equal amounts small piece by piece stirring until melted before adding more cheese
  • Eat about 1/2 the cheese you cut up because you cut too much
  • Add more milk as you add cheese to keep a consistent texture
  • keep stirring gently
  • stir some more
  • keep warm and stirred until ready to serve
  • did I mention stir?


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That’s my cheese sauce recipe passed down from my mother. I only have two slight changes but they are just matters of taste preference: I use whole milk instead of 2% if I have it as it makes it a little creamier and I add cracked black pepper because I like pepper in my cheese sauce. Oh and one other minor thing, I change up my cheeses depending on what I have in the fridge. If I use a milder cheese, I also stir in a little sour cream because that tart flavor adds to the overall experience. It is masked by stringer cheeses so I leave it out when I use those.

Question: do Canadians call the butter and flour mixture that is cooked at the beginning a roux? All good Southern dishes start with a good roux. 😉


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
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Forgive all the typos in my previous post. Autocorrect is absolutely whipping my @$$ today. It is totally Monday here in LA (Lower Arkansas). It is HOT and raining AGAIN. UGH!!!!!!!!!!


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
5 adult (step)daughters (3 from XH's first marriage, 2 from current H's previous relationships)
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Originally Posted by Dawn70
That’s my cheese sauce recipe passed down from my mother. I only have two slight changes but they are just matters of taste preference: I use whole milk instead of 2% if I have it as it makes it a little creamier and I add cracked black pepper because I like pepper in my cheese sauce. Oh and one other minor thing, I change up my cheeses depending on what I have in the fridge. If I use a milder cheese, I also stir in a little sour cream because that tart flavor adds to the overall experience. It is masked by stringer cheeses so I leave it out when I use those.

Question: do Canadians call the butter and flour mixture that is cooked at the beginning a roux? All good Southern dishes start with a good roux. 😉
I'm not sure. I call it a roux because that's what the recipes call it. I do really like having things like this though that I can make without consulting any recipe and make by feel. Perhaps one of the reasons my baking isn't great as surprisingly I am not good at following the exact measurements in a recipe. I'm a guy who pre-sorts the bolts and reads the instructions before assembling anything but cooking is done from the heart and not a book in my mind.

As we've talked about here before, it seems that many Canadians really haven't embraced the essence of sauces. Other than poutine which I do suspect that for most places that the gravy comes out of an industrial 40 gallon drum (we all miss doodler).

Both my ex and S make gravy by taking drippings and then pouring in flour or corn starch and swearing at it to get rid of the lumps. My ex did make a decent "white sauce" which was the basis of a few dishes she would make but my memories of that involve her putting it into the microwave and I don't recall the ingredients. I'm pretty sure she used margarine and not butter as well. Not because of taste preferences, she just wouldn't buy butter. Starting with a roux I've never had an issue with lumps. And I've not bought margarine since I had full control of the grocery list.

I think it was fellow Canadian DnJ who mentioned that the ability to create a decent sauce or gravy immediately moves a person up the list for culinary expertise and I will freely admit that Southerners have embraced that. Sausage gravy and butter biscuits is a wonderful thing. I quite miss it. Not sure when I'll go south of the Mason-Dixon again.

I do think that for sauces and gravys that it will be my butt in the kitchen at least from the reactions I get.

I like the idea of sour cream. I may try a dollop of that next time. I find my cheese sauce to have a bit of a granular texture that I'm not keen on - perhaps in part because I use gluten-free flour. Maybe the sour cream will smooth it out a touch. I usually have some around as baked potatoes is a favourite. Fresh cracked black pepper is a crucial ingredient in most things - I do actually own pre-ground pepper but never use it - S was looking for it the other day - no clue when it was bought.

I'm hoping to try a variation of what was a favourite comfort food soon. Baked Mac and Cheese with tuna covered with bread-crumbs. My ex used to make a really good version of this even if I now have issues with how she made her sauces. I'll of course have to adapt it to gluten free because of S's and S13's sensitivities.


On BD
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BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
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Quote
Eat about 1/2 the cheese you cut up because you cut too much


This is my method too!

You are basically making a bechamel sauce with cheese and can save yourself a little worry by making it in a double boiler so you don't have to worry about burning it. (Or do what I used to do and just place one saucepan on top of another saucepan with some water in it since I never owned a double boiler and made this infrequently.)

I coat my ham with a mixture of brown sugar and mustard. Sounds weird but is delicious.

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A plain old can of Coca Cola makes a great ham glaze.


Me 52, H53
Bomb drop 9/29/2014
Divorce from XH final 12/17/2014
Marriage #2 12/31/2019
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6 grandkids
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I stick a good spoonful of Dijon mustard in my cheese sauce. It seems to bring out the flavour.

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