[quote] Do you think your porn addiction is why you had a passive attitude about being in a SSM? I mean, the disinterest in sex really started before you were even engaged, and you went ahead with the wedding. I guess I am one of those people who want to understand the "why". Of course finding the solution is important, but if you don't know why you did certain things, what's to stop you from repeating it?
That was definitely the reason, or at least the catalyst. I had not had many girlfriends or partners before W, and this was my first LTR. After the traumatic incident, I turned back to p**n only intending for it to be a temporary fix. Instead it became the status quo and I (and we) didn't know how to get back into our prior routine or break out of the SSM. She tried and I resisted. And time just kept passing and passing while she built up resentment and I compartmentalized and pretended like nothing was wrong.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Which rule would that be?
Not really a rule, but I know some here say don't be friends with her. Maybe this is more geared toward certain situations not like mine.
Not really a rule, but I know some here say don't be friends with her. Maybe this is more geared toward certain situations not like mine.
After many breakups friendship just doesn't make sense--e.g., one spouse has poor traits for a friend such as lying, cheating, or abuse.. OR you and their paths in life have little in common.. OR you wouldn't enjoy their company if they were to find a new partner and you had to watch them being all lovey-dovey.
Originally Posted by rts4n
I do want to maintain friendship even if it doesn't work out.
After many breakups friendship just doesn't make sense--e.g., one spouse has poor traits for a friend such as lying, cheating, or abuse.. OR you and their paths in life have little in common.. OR you wouldn't enjoy their company if they were to find a new partner and you had to watch them being all lovey-dovey.
Originally Posted by rts4n
I do want to maintain friendship even if it doesn't work out.
No 2x4s here. That's a fine goal.
I have been reading more of what you've said on this in other posts CWarrior. We don't fit the first two criteria, but I am starting to wonder how I would be able to handle her being with someone else - if I could really be a friend if that becomes reality. It's just so hard to know right now, especially since I've never been in this situation before (first LTR).
Just wanted to post an update since it's been a bit. I would describe things right now as stable. We continue to spend most of the day apart - she works from her office and I work from home. After work and on the weekends, we have just been watching a lot of Netflix together. This past weekend we were able to easily agree on who gets what from the apartment. The atmosphere is calm and a little light. I am making sure I am poised and as positive as possible while she is around. Positive has been tough, but I have not been down or sad or angry around her at all, and I have tried to joke/flirt a little. W continues to not wear her rings.
I am at the point where I am counting down the weeks and weekends we have left before she moves out. She moves out a week before me, and I already know that's gonna be a really tough week. For now, I am keeping up with my routine as much as possible (a lot of this I was already doing pre-BD) - exercise, meditation, cooking and reading. Also started running again for the first time in a long time. I continue to actively listen and validate when talking to her. I wish I could do more GALing right now, but its tough with the quarantine. Not gonna lie, it's also tough because I know we only have a finite amount of time left living together and I would be resistant to getting out even if I could.
Last week was mostly good days, but the last three days have been more sadness. Knowing we only have three more weekends together. The last week before she moves out is also my birthday. Happy 34th to me.
Had an IC session with our therapist last night. W had her last one a few days before. In my last post, I said that I had asked for a separation period instead of straight to D, but closed right away by saying I'll accept whatever you decide. W has not brought it back up with me, but therapist did say they talked about it and W is still set on D. Therapist said W has noticed me making changes and putting in new effort ,but she doesn't know that they'll last (this has happened before where I have backslid - and then I totally imploded pre-BD). Therapist did say W has a "soft spot" for me, whatever that means. Deep down, I knew W was still set on D. Still, it was tough hearing it out loud. I hate to bring astrology into this, but W is a virgo - super rational and calculating and once she makes a decision, it is near impossible to change her mind.
There are still little glimpses of warmth from W. I don't know that I should speculate, but I'm guessing it has to do with the relief she's feeling from being at peace with her decision and there not being a lot of conflict around it. We've always been good friends. We just haven't been good romantic partners.
I am still hanging onto hope, even though I understand the reality of the situation - like many others, I have been late to fully comprehend how bad things got and how long she felt these feelings. The hope is really just to keep me motivated for now. I know that detachment was and still is the only way, and that it's about me and not her. It's just really hard to not hold on. Even though this relationship is dead, until I am out and on my own, it will be struggle to fully accept it.
Anyone have any thoughts or experience on when you and your spouse are in the same professional circle? Eventually word is going to spread to many colleagues and bosses, and I’m wondering if this is going to make it even more difficult to possibly piece with WAS. I know this is outside of my control and I should be focused on process, but I’m just wondering if anyone else has wisdom on this sitch.
