Hey oceangirl!!! I was wondering where you’ve been! Glad to hear from you again.
He asked you to show physical affection, what about him? What is HE doing to contribute to the relationship? I forget the details of your M but it is strange for him to expect you to do all the work. Has he even shown remorse about his A?
He has not done anything. Today he did hug me twice...so that was shocking. Does it mean anything? Will it stick? I don't know.
He shows remorse for his affair, but he has a lot of trouble with shame so he rarely brings it up with me. So has he done the work in that way? I don't think so. Our therapist noted he has a hard time with dealing w emotions. It's almost like I am a reminder of it and getting rid of me gets rid of the biggest reminder.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
Glad to hear you are okay. I was concerned when you suddenly stopped posting.
Sorry your sitch hasn't improved. Keep working on valuing yourself. I'm struggling with the same issue - I seek validation from my husband. My self-worth seems to depend on how he feels about me. It's a struggle.....
Me: 47 H: 45 T: 24 M:23 D23 BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country) Current R status: Separated.
Glad to hear you are okay. I was concerned when you suddenly stopped posting.
Sorry your sitch hasn't improved. Keep working on valuing yourself. I'm struggling with the same issue - I seek validation from my husband. My self-worth seems to depend on how he feels about me. It's a struggle.....
It does seem like the daily battle. I try so hard to connect to myself, live in the present, value myself. If I think too much about the future I can easily get stuck in fear and despair. I keep reminding myself to take the power back in my life. Stop giving him so much power. Do I want him because I want him? Or do I want him because he doesn't want me?
I do okay for a few days in a row and then let my guard down and feel like I have to start all over again!
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
Glad to hear you are okay. I was concerned when you suddenly stopped posting.
Sorry your sitch hasn't improved. Keep working on valuing yourself. I'm struggling with the same issue - I seek validation from my husband. My self-worth seems to depend on how he feels about me. It's a struggle.....
It does seem like the daily battle. I try so hard to connect to myself, live in the present, value myself. If I think too much about the future I can easily get stuck in fear and despair. I keep reminding myself to take the power back in my life. Stop giving him so much power. Do I want him because I want him? Or do I want him because he doesn't want me?
I do okay for a few days in a row and then let my guard down and feel like I have to start all over again!
The future is always scary, because it is unknown. Just like through this pandemic. If I start wondering if I'll still have my job in a month, 6 months, a year, it will drive me nuts. So you know what I do? I make my present the best it can be, The future is out of my control except for what I do right now to secure it. The past is done and can't be changed. The future is unknown and subject to change. All you have is right now.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Right now I am working so hard to focus on each day. Being my best self. I have done too much pretzeling of myself to please him. I am working to change that mindset. To be authentic.
We had MC on Saturday. We have an awesome therapist who is compassionate but doesn't let him get away with anything. He told him on our last session in a kind way that he was placing too much responsibility for his own happiness on our marriage. He also worked with him to help him understand that so much of this is from his childhood. His parents showed no emotions and no comfort. They had a terrible marriage. And so my H has a hard time with emotions. He tends to withdraw completely. And has blamed this on me and the marriage. We had a good session, my H just still feels like divorce is the best option. He feels like we don't do a good job of taking care of each other while married, so we can be there for each other and be close and great friends divorced.
I am reading this as, "I want everything I love about this relationship and be able to date other people also." I think he is trying to figure out a way to "have it all." I have told him that does not work for me. If we divorce I dont want to hang out with him. He got angry and said fine if you feel like you need to do that and punish. I told him not to minimize my experience. While it would be easy for him to walk away, he needs to respect the fact that for me it would be a death, and something to grieve and heal from. Before I would have tried to do it his way to please him.
He does this thing where he hugs me and spends time with me. Then the next day avoids me. I feel this underlying anger at the way he is treating me and his emotional neglect.
I am getting to the point where I am going to tell him i do not want a divorce, but I do not want to be a roommate. I want to tell him he can choose to be my husband or move on with his life. I am getting weary of this situation.
I just don't know what to do.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
I read in a book about the fact that for a relationship to survive, each partner needs to be willing to push things to a crisis when they need to. Each person needs to be willing to say "the status quo doesn't work for me" with the implication being that if it doesn't change, they're done. The other person can either ignore them, in which case the relationship ends, they can agree to fix whatever the issue is, or they can offer a compromise. This process forces the relationship to evolve, and to stay alive it MUST evolve. The alternative is to slowly erode through building resentments.
Very interesting. I will have to think about this and how it applies to me.
I am beginning to push back, I guess. I am trying to GAL and detach still. I still kind of suck at validation but working on it. I am pretty happy during the day and keep busy. At night, when he goes to bed I head to the living room where it is quiet and I can be alone. That's when I say my nightly prayers and cry. And give it over to God.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
I just want to defend myself. I just want to argue my point of view. When he says something about me, especially when it's a complaint or criticism, I just feel like validating it is accepting it. And I have this need to "illuminate" where he is wrong.
me: 46 h: 49 m: 24 T: 27 DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12 BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016 BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016 BD3: H wants a D 11/2019 Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
