I’ve wondered how you are doing. We are close in our timelines. He’s so weird.
For instance, today he left for work early, as usual. I came home at lunch from work, he wasn’t here. I came home after work, he’s closed up in the bedroom. I won’t see him at all. He’s really living the dream, huh?
Me, on the other hand, I have control of the house, I make what I want to have for dinner, watch what I feel like on tv, or not watch and read. I go to bed when ever I feel like it. It can be lonely if you think about it, but our D is still home for who knows how long and I spend time with her when she’s not studying.
I am just focusing on me. Like I said in other posts, I am not ready for the conversation regarding our relationship and he hasn’t brought it up. But really, I think if I was wanting out I would make a plan, announce my intentions and go. He in a moment of anger/frustration said he didn’t want to be married and is still here. Yes, I know of the OW, but regardless, he’s still here.
Thanks for posting on my thread. I didn't realize there was someone else with a sitch so similar to mine. I just don't know what is going through our H's mind. Besides sex, what else do they have in common with the OW? I wonder if it makes them feel young again?
My H is still talking to OW. He had a trip planned to visit his "parents" (same town where OW lives) later this month but those plans were cancelled due to the pandemic. I'm relieved he's not going because I'm not detached enough to handle all of those emotions. My H still comes home every weekend to work on the house and he acts like my friend. I don't want to be his friend or his plan B. I want him to want me.
I read your entire thread and I admire your strength. You have done great with the GAL and I admire your patience.
Me: 47 H: 45 T: 24 M:23 D23 BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country) Current R status: Separated.
It is nice to know someone is dealing with the same unbelievable situation.
My H, as far as I know is “single” lol. In the beginning, when I found his fake Facebook showing his “fiancé” I would check almost every hour. This was when he was in his work trip that was three months long. After a while, (and therapy) I slowed to once a day. He wasn’t thinking of me, so I needed to put all the energy onto me.
Therapy can’t answer why, but I’ll tell you my therapist’s suggestion; OW is the same age I was when we got married. My Therapist says, that he is chasing how he felt at that time in his life. Sometimes I even see a younger person in his behavior, like a teen-trash laying around and not thrown away. Clothes piling up. We finally came to an agreement about the laundry. If he needs it right away, he can do it. If it is towels and something I am going to wash anyway, I’ll wash it too. I won’t put it away and I never take anything into the room he is staying in. That’s his choice to isolate, so I am not going to help his isolation along.
Your H moved out, mine is still here. Either way, we really don’t know what they are doing and what is going on in their minds. To help with detachment, find something YOU like, with stay in place orders, you really can’t go anywhere, but a puzzle, reading, computer class, a tv show? These little things have helped me find things to look forward to.
Well one year anniversary of the BD came and went. As mentioned prior, I dont know if he is aware of the timeline. This weekend, he has stayed home and in the bedroom isolating for the most part.
Last year, he had just done the BD when it was mother’s day and he avoided me. Today, I woke up and went into the kitchen. He was making himself something to eat. When he saw me he told me “Happy Mother’s Day” I was shocked, I just said thank you. It made me happy. Regardless of where his head is, he gave me a nice greeting. He ignore me on my birthday and any other holidays, he didn’t say anything.
I hope you mom’s out there, made it through today ok.
Congratulations on making it past one year? you are incredibly patient. I’m glad to hear that your H had the decency to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. That was nice.
It is definitely a weird dynamic. I can safely say that since the BD, there has been some thawing from H. It just is not consistent. Like today, I came home from work, He was home. No greeting of any kind, if fact he left the house about ten minutes after I came home. He came home after an hour and was responsive to chat. Nothing important, but acknowledging me. Then he went to the room and is still there. It was at 6 it is now almost 11:30 pm. We will not see him until tomorrow afternoon.
So I take the little things, and continue with GAL.
Hello PLC Great Job reaching 1 year Standing with a MLC spouse is not for the weak.
I sometimes think how nice it would be if my H lived in our home instead of his bachelor pad. Than I can see him-I miss him so much, and get a sense of where he might be in MLC stages. But than I read about your H or others H living at home. How draining that must be for you seeing the crazy every day. And how painful hearing him talk on the phone to OW. Or H not coming home and you wondering where he’s been. Every day. I am thankful I can stay away from that. I have so much respect that you haven’t killed him or committed yourself.
I do find the MLC fascinating. I don’t know if I could believe in it if I hadn’t witnessed my H following it’s exact script. What is with the eating thing? Not taking food from us? Gosh they are bizarre. Last summer H had to meet S26 and I at lake house to finish a couple of things. H is always jittery around me. (Since MLC) So he’s his jittery self working on the deck with S and I and I offer H and S a beverage. H says no. Than 10 minutes later H goes in and gets a beverage. I offer H a beefstick. H says no and 10 minutes later H goes in and gets beefstick. Same thing exactly about a sandwich. It’s so ridiculous that I found myself offering things just so H could say no and than watch him 10 minutes later go get it. It’s hard for me sometimes to pass up on these entertaining possibilities.
I must say, I’m really impressed with your strength and level head. You found out about OW and haven’t said a word to him. OMGosh. I wish I could redo that moment for myself. I lost it big time- went off on him via text and wanted to light his hair on fire. He’s lucky he’s bald so I couldn’t. I added time on the MLC nightmare clock because of it. I sent him running in the wrong direction. Aargh. I wish H and OW didn’t know I know. What an advantage that would be. Did finding out about OW change you? It did change me. Like a switch was flipped. It was the most painful moment of my life. (And I have some pretty tragic history) I had anxiety attacks so bad my Mom took me to the emergency room. They gave me good drugs and a crisis therapist. I’m no wilting lily. I would never have predicted it to affect me so severely. But now. I’m different. I’m not as needy. I feel a lot stronger than before. Where I once battled with myself not to pursue, Now it comes easily. I naturally turned my back on him and had no problem going NC. That helped my sitch a lot.
Oh. I need to ask you. Do you not talk to D about yours and H situation? I thought I read somewhere in your thread that you don’t talk to her about it. The reason I ask is because I don’t talk to my S30,S26 and D27 about mine and H sitch. Well. They know H and I are suppose to be getting a D. That’s because when H left me he ran off as fast as he could to our kids, our friends and my family to tell them we are getting a D. It’s like he couldn’t wait. (But, weirdly, He did not tell anyone from his side of family and 1 1/2 years later still has not) So. S30 and S26 don’t want to talk about it at all. (I’m an avoider so that works for me) D27 occasionally calls my Mom and asks if H and I have filed yet. D27 Told my Mom she does not want H and I to get back together because she thinks I deserve to be with someone who treats me better than he has. (while in support of me, it breaks my heart, because I don’t want my child to feel that way about their Dad) They are all team Me because they witnessed H odd and atrocious behavior. They are respectful to him when they are with him. But they choose not to reach out to him, refuse to go to his bachelor pad and H has let months go by without contacting them. They know from the beginning I did not want the D. I chose to stand when I didn’t know what that meant. I sensed there was something very wrong happening to H. I haven’t shared with them about MLC and all that entails. Why I’m standing and how it all works. I believe they think I’m in denial. And Dads a crazy jerk. I thought about writing up a brief info paper on MLC and the boxes their dad has checked and my role and position in it all. But I haven’t done it yet.
One last thing. How great you found a IC that recognizes and is knowledgeable about MLC. I haven’t been able to find a IC like that. My IC is helping me a lot. But I’m literally teaching her about MLC. Makes me want to become a therapist that specializes in It myself.
Anyways. I’m sorry you have a MLCer like me. I’m glad that you are here to converse with and share your journey. Keep up the good stander work of battling the crazy while appearing calm, collected and happy.
I think that when the BD happened, I just naturally shut down. I was so shocked that I didn't know what to do so I did nothing.
I don't understand the food thing. If you read my sitch, you know that has bothered me so much. I will tell him what I am making for dinner, but I don't call him to dinner and I do not prepare a plate unless he is in the kitchen while plates are being prepared. Sometimes he is very receptive and other times not. For example, I had planned to have a certain dinner on Sunday (MY MOTHER'S DAY) he asked if we could get a pizza, I told him he could go and I would eat it. He said "Send D24" I told him no, as I already had plans to have something else and I was not going to change up everything for him. He got so mad, like a kid havbing a tantrum, microwaved something and went the other way to his isolation room. Guess what he brought home today, two LARGE pizzas. Hmm.
Finding out about OW was surreal. He was so stupid to post on his Facebook, when he was out of the country. One of the reactions was a heart emoji. I clicked to her profile and there he was, professing his love for her! I consider myself pretty smart and inquisitive. He knows I find stuff out. He was so in the throws of this forbidden love, he was over confident. At the time of finding out about her, he had just left for a few months for work. Somewhere, within me I knew it would not matter if I said anything. So I didn't. I just continued to get used to the new normal. I was recovering from surgery and as soon as I got the go ahead, I joined a gym and made some great new friends. By the time he returned, we had only texted once or twice. I know that he was unhappy, I didn't know what was happening, though.
I have not discussed my MR with our D24. I know that she has to know something is going on. But bless her heart, she does not ask. No one knows (besides what she might suspect) except my therapist. He may have told his friends, but what is he going to say. I nagged him into a MLC? I was the same as you, he worked so hard, I did everything, I suggested he see his friends, I carted the D24 everywhere. I planned vacations, he just had to show up. I felt that I was doing everything to please him and make his life easier. Instead, I got a damaged man, who my Therapist thinks that was raised by a narcissist father. It has been tough, but I do have hope. That's all I will allow myself.
I look back on this year and I do see some subtle changes. But I know that he is not even one step closer to an R. I need to temper my enthusiasm. I am happy that he did not leave, he never mentioned Divorce, just "he didn't want to be married anymore". In discussion with IC, she does not think he even knows what he wants to do .
Speaking of IC, I already had her for having panic attacks. They were gone and have stayed gone. I honestly think learning how to navigate a panic attack helped me with no response on the BD. I just would see her monthly as an hour for me. Once I had the BD, and I was crying to her about everything that had happened, she was the one who suggested MLC. I always thought that was an urban legend.
I by no means, am a veteran of this, but staying calm, using my home (whereas he basically lives in a bedroom) to the fullest, cooking what I want, watching what I want, bed when I want. I laugh when something is funny. I act like it all is fine, because I am fine! He is the mess and I can't let it affect me. If I did, can you imagine how I would be a year later? horrible. Funny story- Firday he went for a walk with the guys, while he was gone my friend from the gym facetimed me, we were chatting and he came home. Without missing a beat i held up the phone and said, " say hi to ____" he was so taken aback he leaned in and said hi. I died. I did a couple more things the other day to make hime respond like when we were married, I think in some sub concious way I am reminding him we are a family here.
Anyway, I hope you stand if that is what you want. Focus on you and you will do great.
To think I am strong seems weird. I feel like what I am doing is natural. I think that somewhere inside me there is a feeling like I have this power to stop this all whenever I want. Right now I don’t want to. So to me this is more a game of chicken to see who will flinch first.
you are incredibly patient. I’m glad to hear that your H had the decency to wish you a Happy Mother’s Day. That was nice.