Thanks for visiting my thread. You have been busy on the dating front. It makes me laugh thinking of that woman who first came on her who thought she'd never have physical intimacy again !!!
Re your H. I get the snooping. You want to be prepared for the battle to come. Also, a little bit of it is even if you've moved on, is a trigger for you. The thing about triggers is they bring out the worst in us. This is why I do not get in his car or visit his flat. They are triggers and the only one who gets hurt is me. I also know my H must feel the same as you do when he comes to visit (even though MO was his 'unilateral' choice). And you know how I feel whenever he is here - an invasion of my privacy, a sense of helplessness and of being on edge. It feels even worse when he is here without me. I know HE is snooping through the drawers leaving me unable to relax and simply enjoy whatever it is I am doing that has taken me away from the house. It is my home and he is trespassing (even though it is his home and he has every legal right to be there).
Ok, enough lecturing. I get it. What you feel and what you are doing is natural and I don't know, after having written the above, what help having written the above is. Perhaps it helps that you know that you're staying there p***es him off
I think you live in the UK. If you do then anything you find on his laptop is inadmissible and you will look like the bad guy.
** sorry that last line sounded harsh. It wasn't meant to be. It is the advice a solicitor gave me a long time ago when I mentioned I had found evidence (when he was still living here) on my laptop that he had applied for a job overseas. She said "Stop!! I can't listen to anything which suggests you broke into his laptop". I let her know it was my laptop and my profile on my laptop he had used and we carried on.
Thanks for checking on my thread too. I always like to hear from you: I feel like we were in the very thick of things at the same time and I always look forward to reading your updates.
Are you feeling steady? You seem to have gone from saying you're just about in love with a man you'd only just met, to getting rid of him, to dating some other people, to snooping on your husband and sounding quite bitter towards him and his quite minor and innocent life choices all in the space of a few weeks. He can live in the house and not clean up after himself if he wants to, and buy daft cars if he wants to. Weren't you about to serve him with divorce papers? Did you decide against that? I struggle to understand why you'd care what he did with his furniture if you are in love with someone else? Can you slow down and just take care of yourself a bit (and date, by all means, as many and as intensely and as often as you see fit, of course) and detach further from what your H is doing or not doing? You have a lawyer involved, you are divorcing him, and you are seeing other people. It is probably time to think of you and your H are two single people, and give him the respect and privacy that a man you are no longer married to is allowed so you have room to cherish yourself as you deserve.
Hi everyone, it's been a while! Thanks for your thoughts I think my last post was a bit emotional and scattered, I think that I was unprepared for seeing just what a terrible state H's mind is in. I had a chat with the neighbour there who described him as deeply, deeply depressed and also drinking far too much. I feel so bad for him, though also secretly glad that it no longer impacts my life too much. Still, it was hard to face the pain he must be in, and how much pain he has had to hide for so long. I was surprisingly ok about the kids being away with H, they said it was not much fun and H was in a bad place and drank a lot, but I suppose they're used to that. I think they did have a couple of fun days.
Back to the far more important topic of my life! Ds1 got great exam results and is off to an amazing uni. So happy for him, he worked so hard. I will miss him a lot and so will ds2, but he will still be home plenty. H came over with his puppy to go out to lunch to celebrate. We had to go to a pub because of the puppy and there was only one pub open locally on weekdays doing lunch which had a garden, and H spent the whole time whining about his food and other complaints. Ugh. You'd think he could put his misery aside for an hour to celebrate ds1's special day...
My new man is really great, we had a 3rd date at the weekend and I spent 12 hours at his place (the kids don't wake up till late afternoon so they barely noticed I was gone, lol) The more time I spend with him the more I like him. We text each other a lot every day, it's nice to have someone to share mundane stuff of life with after years living with someone who couldn't care less about any aspect of my life. I can see this relationship lasting, albeit we won't get to spend a huge amount of time together as he has his kids every other weekend, but they are teens so won't be around forever. Just happy to see him whenever and enjoy the time we spend together, he is keen to do stuff I'm interested in and to go out places and do new things The sex has got better too So my life is busy and happy and full, and my new man is the cherry on top of all that. Life is good! I have one part time job starting in a month or so and an interview today for another one, so those will keep me busy too. My art classes are hopefully restarting in September, cross fingers. I have had some lovely days out and runs with friends recently. I was sad to cancel my holiday with the kids, but maybe we can have a few nights camping before school resumes. If not, I'll just drag them to the pub to eat and restaurants and stuff and enjoy being out with them now being out is possible again! I feel like I'm in a good place, and moving forward with my life. The D stuff is going to start in October now as H is away all September. I hope he behaves well, I would like it to be amicable if possible. I'll be happy to accommodate H seeing the kids as much as he wants to, and to spend time together in a friendly way. I don't feel bitterness (most of the time) just sadness really. But also excitement about my life being amazing and rewarding and full of potential for the future!
Two year anniversary of BD, I don't actually remember the exact date but it's around now. Gosh, what a long way I've come. H leaving was the most heartbreaking, awful thing ever to happen to me, even though he was a rubbish H for much of our marriage. But I'm in a good place now, the kids are both doing well and don't seem bothered by H's behaviour other than resenting being replaced by a dog (ds2 said this to me recently...)
H is in a terrible place still, saw him at the weekend and he was whining about everything. So much for leaving because he wasn't happy lol. Such a contrast with my new bloke, who left because he wasn't happy in his marriage and has actually built himself a nice life and seems pretty content...
Things are really good with my new man, he moved house recently and I like his new place. We are planning to go away near the end of October which should be lovely. He's funny and clever and likes to look after me and is pretty good in bed. We match in weird and idiosyncratic ways and our values are aligned, which is important. I like him a huge amount, might be growing to love him though I'm being cautious. When I went to see his new house I could imagine our future grandkids running round the house and garden, so I guess part of me sees a future with him! I've not met his kids or told mine about him though, that can wait till after D starts going through and ds1 is off to uni and settled.
Two years is both a long time and a very short one. I would not wish that amount of pain on my worst enemy, but I think I'm happier now than I was before H left. You know how quadriplegics and lottery winners alike move back to the same happiness level over time after their life changing circumstances? Well, take heart because it's true. Though I think my life is actually nicer now that I don't have H's terrible behaviour to put up with. His misery no longer infects my life, and for that I am thankful. Time to move forward with D in a few weeks, I wonder how H will react?
Dilly... You and I are on similar timelines although my D was final ten months ago and XH is engaged. I am also much much happier than I was when I was married and have found a new guy that is pretty great and could be in my life for a long time. I wish you lots and lots of luck and happiness. (((HUGS)))
Thank you Deja, I wish you good luck and happiness too I wonder if the spouses who move on quickly to someone new make it easier or harder to heal and move on yourself? I suppose it depends on the dynamic.
I had a difficult day yesterday. H came back from overseas last week so I saw him twice when he came to pick up ds1 and drop him back a few days later (ds1 is off to uni this weekend) Both times I had to go for a walk with H and he whined and complained (his health, the fact that ds2 never answers the phone, life in general and his in particular). It was pretty depressing. I had a long chat with ds2 about him after he left and he thinks the same as me, that H is terrible company and boring and all he has in his life is his dog (and he does seem to shout at his dog a lot lol). I did tell him that his dad loves him and his brother, he just can't demonstrate love to anyone except his puppy right now. Ds2 said 'he's clearly having a terrible midlife crisis. It's not funny, it's horrible to watch'. I'm glad he understands, though I'm sure he finds it very hurtful. Ds1 won't discuss him, and I try hard not to say anything nasty about H and to be kind about him. So yesterday was difficult because I felt sad about H being so broken, I feel dread about discussing D, I feel sad about ds1 leaving home, and I feel a bit anxious about my new job and having to work out lots of new things. I think in the past I would have had all these feelings overwhelm me and not share them with anyone, but nowadays I reach out when I'm having a difficult time. I text my boyfriend or a friend or go for a run and talk with a friend and unburden myself. And then I feel better and ready to get on with things, and also feel closer to the important people in my life for having shared my feelings. I think being in counselling was useful for me to see that showing myself can be a way of getting closer to people, and I try to share instead of hiding my feelings. Doing that with my boyfriend is difficult but so far he's been there for me.
At the weekend H and I were sitting outside talking and H referred to himself as a single parent. Of his DOG! I was gobsmacked. Such a terrible thing to say in so many ways. He didn't mean it to be hurtful, I think in the strangest way he might have been trying to express empathy towards me for being a single mum (this is me being extraordinarily charitable). I didn't say anything, just changed the subject and later told my friends, who were astonished and said he needs help. I agree. Wow. I can't hate him when I feel this sorry for him. I'm so glad I don't see him often.
Ds1 is going to uni tomorrow, I'm driving him and all his stuff and H is driving himself and the dog separately. I organised somewhere for us to have lunch outside (because the dog, this thing rules every minute H spends with me and the kids, it's hilarious given he never took much account of the kids' needs when they were little, they had to fit round HIM. Oh, and when he takes the kids in his stupid convertible the DOG sits in the front seat and my giant teens have to sit in the back, talk about symbolic). I'm feeling sad about ds1 going but also very excited for him making new friends and having an amazing time. I'm getting on pretty well with ds2 right now, I take him to his activities and we talk in the car, it's nice and peaceful but we also have as much fun as we can given he's 15.
After the great send off I need to talk to H about divorce. I'm dreading it, but it's time. I've had enough now. I think if I waited for H to initiate I would be waiting a very long time! Things are still good with my new man. It's taking a while for me to trust that someone can treat me so well after the decades of being treated pretty shabbily by H, and it's still a work in progress. We see each other about once a week and our time together is both relaxing and fun. The opposite of what being with H was like. I'm really looking forward to going away with him, we don't get to spend extended periods together.
So that's my news, will update once I've had the D talk with H. Going to take all my courage, but I will be kind.
Dilly you are in such a good place, and I am so pleased for you - you deserve it. I can't imagine it being possible to be happy married to your H the way he is now and the way he has been for years. It is a shame for him, but it sounds like you detached yourself just in time to stop him dragging you down with you. And I do think it shows your progression and detachment that you can just feel sorry for him in his illness rather than be furious with him (though anger is plenty justified too!)
When you tell me about you H it is a lesson to me too. I'm prone to overwork, and retreating into work when I feel relationships are too difficult or life is too hard or scary or depressing. I don't want to end up like your H - unable to make a connection and a stranger to my children and resorting to blame or self pity or retreat rather than dealing with my own stuff. I think you have dealt with your own stuff, and that's why you have so much to give and are able to enjoy other people now, Dilly. I could HUG you! (And I'm not really a hugger!)
Alison: I hope that was helpful, working too much is like any other addiction I think. Hiding yourself in work can be damaging, just more socially approved of than addiction to drugs or alcohol...We are all works in progress and trying not to feel like a victim is a constant lifelong battle!
I still haven't talked to H about D. Ugh. So hard. I have some house repairs I would like to sort first because they will come out of joint money without having to battle with H (who never liked spending money on necessary repairs...) I arranged an appointment so hopefully I can get a quote done by Friday. I'm also going away with my new bloke in just over a week and H is staying here with ds2 so I would prefer him not to be snooping round thinking of D stuff. So I think I will broach the subject when I get back. It's going to take a lot of courage. I was always pretty passive in my marriage, but I need to be assertive now.
I would like some advice on parenting. H is planning to stay here next Friday night and see a friend of his here, then for ds2 to stay with him until Monday. I told ds2 this yesterday and he was unimpressed. He said he would be left babysitting the dog while H got drunk with his friend (probably true) and that he didn't want to go and stay with H, nor did he want H to stay here the whole weekend with the dog. He said it's bad enough dealing with H let alone H plus dog. He feels very betrayed by being replaced with a dog. He also says that H is boring and depressing to spend time with (true). He would prefer to see H without the dog (H has no dog babysitter arranged except for the odd occasion when the neighbour will look after him if H has a medical appointment). I told ds2 that he should say some of this to H but he is very reluctant. I am also reluctant to intervene in their relationship, but I want to protect ds2 and to advocate for his needs. I think no matter how tactfully I put it, H will feel attacked and criticised (that was the pattern in our marriage). Any advice? I am so sick of the family having to tiptoe round H and his terrible decisions. Part of me would just like to tell him that he needs to get a dog sitter and spend some proper time with ds2, but this is a man who behaves like a toddler at the drop of a hat. So we all avoid him and evade honest conversations. I also feel bad that I'm going away without ds2, though he really just wants to stay home by himself during half term and I'm only away 4 days, 2 of which he's at school for. We have been spending some nice time together since ds1 left, that has been lovely. He is busy at school and afterwards but it gets to 9pm and he used to hang out with ds1 at that time so now we watch TV together then. Hopefully he knows that he is my number one priority and I'm here for him no matter what.
Dropping ds1 off at uni was ok, lunch was annoying as the puppy was overly energetic so I had to take it for a run round the block (zero thanks from H). H got very stressed driving to the car park where we were directed. I told him that if he reversed into the parking space it would be difficult getting stuff out of the boot. He got angry and swore at me. Ds1 was silent. We were only allowed into the building one at a time so that was kind of weird. Then we got stuck in traffic driving back to H's car and he got stressed and barked at me to find another route. When I said there wasn't a traffic free route (we were in the town centre on a wet day) he got angry and said that he had a lot more travel than me and a dog to look after. I told him to F right off (frankly, I just wanted to be by myself driving home and feeling sad about dropping ds1 off, not dealing with H and his bad temper and his feeling sorry for himself for his own stupid life choices!) So that was fun Since then H has been emotionally blackmailing ds1 the way his own mother does. Telling him he won't give him any money if he won't talk to him on the phone. Complaining and telling him to behave like an adult and talk to him (ds1 and I both agreed that adults can choose who they talk to and when!) and generally behaving in such a way that he will end up alienating ds1 (who is very long suffering and also afraid of H). I am annoyed with H for behaving like this, especially for making a big deal about giving ds1 money when it's from our JOINT account! Talk about control freakery and his abandonment issues taking over. However, if he wants to mess up his relationship with ds1 then that's his choice, I won't intervene. I do advocate for H when I talk to both kids, saying that he loves them but can't demonstrate it, and that he is very broken. It is a lot for them to deal with though.
Things are fine with my man, he took me over to meet some friends of his for lunch, which was really nice. We were going to go to Europe but covid, so I booked a nice cottage on the coast instead. Should be a good test of our relationship! In other life stuff, my new job started and is going ok. I am seeing friends and doing my art and going on nice walks when the weather is ok. I have made more friends since lockdown than at any other time in my life, I think I really appreciated the importance of regular social contact in my life! Hoping it can still continue even if restrictions increase...
Update (not that much has changed!) I have not seen H for about 3 weeks now, I found him so depressing and annoying last time I saw him that I arranged to pick up ds2 from a central location after my little holiday instead of having him dropped off. Ds2 said he was bored and didn't want to go and stay there again for a long time. We had a really nice chat on the way back, and more nice chats when taking ds2 to his activities (which are all cancelled now sadly). He is such a delightful person, not many 15 year olds are so I feel truly blessed to have him I also went to see ds1 at uni for a walk and picnic after he was quarantined for 2 weeks with his household riddled with covid. It was so lovely seeing him looking well and happy to be outdoors again! I might go visit him briefly another weekend, but he will be home in about 3 weeks anyway, which will be nice for ds2 who is missing him I think. Their relationship is so lovely
Lockdown 2 is TOUGH, I feel very depressed about it even though I have arranged to see friends for walks and so on. This time of year is hard enough normally with dark days, add nowhere to go and nothing to do and the monotony is really getting to me. I'm usually quite a chirpy person but right now I am struggling. I got some house repairs done and have a list of more stuff to get fixed, H complained how much it was lol. So I'm making progress on my to do lists but it feels like groundhog day right now.
My new man is very, very keen on me, and part of me is finding it a bit offputting, like I feel responsible for his happiness or something. Not helped by lockdown, when he can't really see people other than me and his kids. We went for a long walk last week and I found him quite annoying. Our holiday together was really nice actually, we got on really well and had some lovely meals and days out and plenty of nice time together. He cooks for me and looks after me so well, he is very thoughtful and loving. He kept saying stuff like how nice it was 'living together' but I did feel a little bit stifled since I have not spent that much time with anyone in years now. I don't know how much of me finding him irritating is a desire for space and not feeling pressured to be responsible for his happiness, and how much is me feeling depressed about lockdown and uncertain about making any plans for next year (new man wants to go travelling round Europe with me, which feels impossible right now). So I have kind of been avoiding him a bit in the hope that some time away from him will make me feel more warm towards him. I can kind of see now how H felt like this about me, but also that it's not really anything new man has done, but more about what is going on inside me and so that applies to H as well. I've gone from feeling desperate for intimacy and connection to feeling like I need some space and like I don't want anyone in my life right now (even though lockdown 2 is lonely, go figure!) Christmas is also looming, and new man does not have his kids Christmas day. What to do about the kids and H? Ugh, I don't even want to think about it. For now, I will just keep working hard, try to see friends where possible and get out in daylight when there is any! Lockdown 2 won't last forever even if it feels that way...Watch this space if I manage to pluck up the courage for a D chat! Preferably before H spends all our money on expensive wine and taking cash out to do goodness knows what with.
