You have a job. You will get alimony and child support. I don’t mean to pry or have this come off mean. But are you really living in poverty? Or is it a perceived poverty because it’s not the lifestyle you were living ? Or because he will live better than you? Are you really in that bad of shape? Or is it just in comparisons to how you were living ?
Ginger you've been calling me out on my bs since I got here and while my ego hates it sometimes I know this is how I get better.
As of right now my budget (on paper) says I have $350 left over each month and this is my bare bones budget. This budget isn't sustainable long term and I knew that before I rented this house. Yeah it's a crappy house but it's in a nice neighborhood and I was smart enough to discuss this with my L before I did this. He will have to pay me alimony it's just a matter of how much and when. A house in the ghetto will save me $300 a month so it's not like I went all out. I'm living lean.
Oh Kas. I’m loving the replies folks are giving you because it’s all true. With that, I so empathize with what you are feeling and experiencing.
There’s something about dealing with the unjustness of it all. It’s not right.
My ex discarded me and his life was not upended at all. In fact he was able to buy multiple houses,cars, motorcycles etc and I was left trying to decide if I needed groceries or gas more because I couldn’t afford both.. I had to borrow money for rent.
It was so difficult to stop comparing my experience to his. To this day (and I’m 5 years in), I still struggle with it. But shiny things don’t make a good life. They don’t. I have no relationship with my ex but from what I gather based on how he has reacted this whole time, it’s not all roses for him.
I feel so grateful to have peace in my heart. My life post-marriage has so much more meaning. And when those feelings of jealousy creep up about the financial ease and the hardship I was thrown into as a result of his actions, I just tell myself “the best revenge is a life well lived.” And it helps to rid me of any energy I continue to give to him.
I share that with you because it helps to know you are not alone in this. You are not alone with your feelings about the matter and I get how much it stinks but it will be OK.
Me- 30's H- 40's T-10 M-5 I moved out b/c he wanted space- June 15 D filed by H: September 16
By bare bones I mean mostly the 4 walls. In 6 months my dryer died, had to have a tooth removed, an expensive car repair, etc. I saved up $7k for legal fees before he kicked me and the kids out of our home. I've been using that to cover expenses above the 4 walls while I wait for more support. We don't go anywhere now due to COVID so I'm back saving while we live on Ragu and canned fruit. I bought powdered milk, flour and baking supplies so they have plenty of treats. My kids understand and they have not complained once. They know a divorce isn't cheap and know how much I've saved. There is a game plan and they are a part of it. They want a nicer house too.
Ok - so what kind of side hustle could you do to earn an extra $300 a month (preferably under the table right now so it doesn't figure into your income for alimony)? Sounds like that would make a significant difference in your life.
I can tell you for a fact I know 3 middle age woman right now who are married, have kids and money and are miserable as fuch. I am gonna go out on a limb and say so were you 2-3 years ago.
So it has nothing to do with the marriage and family dynamic. Its your mindset. I know it's not easy to change your thoughts. I know what it's like to think about what could have been. The suffering comes from not accepting reality.
LH,
It's hard to type right now without crying. I have cried more this past week than I think I have since he left.
It was your post about not being average. About getting back up after life handed me a horrific blow and you're right about me being miserable before and it was way longer than I care to admit.
Words are no longer forming in my head so I'm going to go home and ponder this some more. I don't want to do this anymore. Ugh.
It's normal you would be crying and this impact you so much, its normal for all of us to have an emotional reaction to having our lives torn apart. You go into and commit to a M with expectations and hopes of what a future will be, then one day its all taken away. Those things you mention that you lost, the things you feel now were the only way you would be happy in the future, they're the life you expected to have and its natural to grieve losing that. Its painful and unfair, but its the reality of the situation that you cant nor shouldn't deny. What you thought would be is gone, but there's now space for something new for you to make with it as you please.
What I will say is, again, you wont always feel this way. It wont always hurt this much. My ex was my high school sweet heart and my first everything. After BD I wanted to die, the pain was just too terrible to live with at the time and I was very close if not suicidal. I grieved, and over time each intense cycle of that grief would lose a bit of its pain. You just have to look back to see it, while you're in it, it just doesn't feel like its getting better.
I think the first year and a half were the worst for me as I still held onto my ex as the only possibility of the future I thought I'd be happy with. Its not, shes not. I know things aren't that simple, but eventually you have to grieve the future that's gone and start being open to the possibility of something new, and better, waiting for you. It may not be exactly as you think nor in the timeline you want, but its there. I wont say I still don't hurt, I have scars from BD that play into some of the other pain from my past. But its just a twinge when I think about my ex. I'm at a point where I where the majority of me truly hopes she ends up happy, even if its with a guy she starting dating only 2 months after we physically separated. I don't miss the life I could have had with ex. I don't miss her. Sometimes I miss being in a R, but as I got more and more space from my situation I realized I never had a healthy R anyway. Some of that was her, some of it was me.
The score keeping will only make things worse for you, its just not productive or effective. You cant be certain how good or bad his life really is, even if it looks perfect from the outside. FB can portray a perfect relationship, but that's rarely the reality, not that you could see all of it. And even on the off chance if he better off going forward, it has absolutely no bearing or comparison on what your life could be. Don't compare his outcome (that you cant ever fully see or know) to yours!
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
You have stated many times that your ex lived well beyond his means. So, you were on borrowed time. Eventually all that overspending was going to come to a head. It is better it is happening now so you can regain control of your financial house. Having only 300 left/month and living within your (modest) means is (way) better than living high off the hog when that is not sustainable nor real. It’s what LH says about adjusting to your reality because the truth is your high standard of living was a total facade.
This guy is no prize as you yourself know. Did you ever write all those things he is on your mirror the way KML advised? You need to do so in order to reverse the brainwashing.
That said, you are here for a reason. Everything we need is inside us. We control our happiness. We control our outlook on life. It’s best to get out of our own heads. My advice? Give yourself a certain amount of time for a pity party, set the clock to 15 minutes. Then, every time your mind ruminates, exhaust yourself in other ways. Go walk or run up steep hills. Walk listening to stories of those who survived the holocaust. I just watched a quick history on Princess Alice of Battenberg. She was the great- granddaughter of Queen Victoria (mother of Queen Elizabeth’s husband, Philip) and ended up totally displaced/nomadic for years of her life! She was locked against her will in an insane asylum for years and missed all four of her daughters weddings. She was experimented on physically. She turned that around to a life of service and incredible fortitude. Maybe try looking to stories of inspiration vs. looking in the rear view mirror at your ex.
You can do this! You already are doing it! You are surviving each and every moment and getting stronger.
Me 41, H 47, M 15 yrs, S11, S13 BD 1: 11/4/14 we work on it; really I pretzel myself BD 2: 3/31/15 H goes down to "dorm room" 8/15: H back to MBR 10/15: H back in dorm room 1/18: H files, now divorced
My ex drives a luxury car - got his moms house (we live in an area where homes/taxes are just not affordable) and I had to move in with my parents. My lawyers totally took advantage of me. 20 grand for an uncontested divorce and no custody battle - because I was so emotionally distressed. We didn’t discover all his 700 dollar a weak withdrawals until the very end and I couldn’t afford to pursue that. He only takes son less then 20 percent of the time - so working extra for me and being able to be there for my son is pretty impossible. Instead i work 2 part time jobs in order to finagle hours so My son isn’t in permanent before/after school care but this means I have little retirement. Ex constantly gives me stories about why his checks are late too. I basically live like a knocked up teenager. ( I am a physical therapist - so I do have a pretty good education and was never one to live beyond my means) my ex was doing all sorts of sketchy stuff with our finances for years and i just trusted him and was so sleep deprived with my son and job - I just never had time to check him. And he was always deflecting.
I was constantly on here angry, - I am admittedly a justice junkie - and it was just unfair. He gets an easy life. Not fair. Got to date young girls with purple fu’ing hair. He would bring back oversized shirts for our son from all these big band concerts he was going to.
The only thing that helped was when I lied in bed next to my son and enjoyed that moment of snuggling with a 5 year old and reminded myself that I would not give up time with my son to have what he has. I would never want to trade places with him.
Ask yourself Would you ever want to trade your life with his?
But I’m gonna switch my mind set... With that 20 percent time - he actually sees son more now then he ever did when we were together. Which means - when he left I got more of a break then I ever did in the past. Now he’s forced to give me child support - before he wasn’t contributing just taking away. Not a lot - but still better then before. I was with someone that was using me so he could look normal to everyone. Like a beard but for a high functioning addict. There was no love. Now, without him in the way - I’m in a relationship with someone that absolutely adores and appreciates me. I’m getting married. Guess what else, I just got a pllc incorporated - it’s in a particular niche area I have in my profession- and I think that quarantine will actually make my business more marketable when it does start up... so I will tell you how that goes next year. Living with my parents gave me help and financial reprise. My son really benefitted from that arrangement.
Anyway - the point I’m trying to make is that - we have been where you are. I think everyone of us here is glad to be rid of our spouses. Regardless of the ups and downs of dating and relationships and jobs and kids. I think surviving divorce is a good place for you instead of newcomers or the MLC section. . Because you can see how much can happen in a year, or 2 years, or 5 years. These spouses can suck the living life out of you - but you get to say - for how long. Your still just in year 1 - so you have to just get through it. But know that your gut it I can be really good despite the unfairness.
We were living paycheck to paycheck but he has a substantial pension and I had just gotten a job. It wasn't that I was on borrowed time it was just a lot of stress on me. I bought him what he wanted to make him happy and it didn't even work. He left me anyway.
I had just paid off 90% of our debt (3rd time in 30 years) when he left. I never intended to get into debt again and again but it just crept up on me. All he had to was say he wanted something and I'd make it happen even if that meant going into debt again.
He appears to have a good handle on the money now but he also walked out with $14k, got a 2nd job and a promotion. This bothers me but unless he's had a personality transplant his spending will creep back up again just like it did before me and with me.
