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Don’t ask him. Just let D communicate with him whoever and however she feels like it.

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Can, this is the part:


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Now that I know of the ow/xgf, I'm not sure zero communication is the key. I almost wish I would of said more last year. I don't know if it would of made a difference. But I think I might just do like one email a week from D3's point of view. I didn't do anything like that last year & I regret it.


that makes me question your motive (and I mean that in the nicest way, I often question my own motives for doing things and I personally believe it is a healthy habit to consider why one thinks or feels or acts a certain way).

It should make no difference in whether there is an OW or not in how you treat him or how you should respond to him. One thing I haven't wanted to raise for you, that I think you should be cognizant of, is that because this is a long-distance affair with his work situation, it will probably last longer. It can't get real for any length of time. They likely won't l live together for long periods. Therefore, less opportunity to take off the lurv goggles and see things for what they are.

Accordingly, I think (and this is my view of reading yours and other threads, and living with this a long time), the more he wonders what is going on with you, the less he knows about your life there, the better.

If you send him what you are talking about sending him for the reason you articulated yourself above, you are pursuing him. You are using your kid to do it, but it is still pursuit. KML is always spot on. If your D wants to talk to him, dial and hand her the phone. Other than that, let him make the lame effort to be a dad who is choosing to add yet more distance to his relationship with his D.

I hope I am not being too harsh, but you did solicit opinions. This is mine and mine alone. In time you will come to realize that you can't make him parent, you can't keep him in her life, and she will be fine growing up with a strong, caring mom who does make her a priority. For probably a long time he will be a guy she speaks to little and sees less.

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Hello Can

If D3 wants to call or send something to Daddy, I’d just do it. Especially one way communication like emails, texts, letters, and such; H can open, read, and respond as he will. Phone calls and line video chats do take a bit of scheduling.

It is not your job to maintain or create the relationship between H and his daughter. It is your job not to destroy it.

Obviously, D3 is three. She is going to need some help in the logistics of long distance communicating. She is also going to need guidance in her growth. You are going to be involved when she asks why Dad did or said certain things. Just like if he was here, D3 would still have questions. Remember your job. Facilitate when D3 needs help. Validate and explain when D3 has concerns.

I wouldn’t send anything about a communication schedule or strategy. Let H see and feel and suggest something.

DnJ


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CanBird Offline OP
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Originally Posted by kml
Don’t ask him. Just let D communicate with him whoever and however she feels like it.


Thank you kml. I feel like this is more of the way to go, and I've been following D3's lead on this, whenever she likes. And because I know that communication by normal means isn't always possible (remote locations; can't always call/video chat,txt), we'll make do with whatever works whenever those moments come.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
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Hi Ownit... I appreciate your opinion and thank you for your honesty.


Originally Posted by Canbird
Now that I know of the ow/xgf, I'm not sure zero communication is the key. I almost wish I would of said more last year. I don't know if it would of made a difference. But I think I might just do like one email a week from D3's point of view. I didn't do anything like that last year & I regret it.


He didn't communicate that he wanted to hear from D3, and I didn't extend or initiate their communication either. Just sent B-Day & Father's Day cards/greetings. Maybe if I had done more, he would have reach out to HER more.


Originally Posted by Ownit
that makes me question your motive (and I mean that in the nicest way, I often question my own motives for doing things and I personally believe it is a healthy habit to consider why one thinks or feels or acts a certain way).


No motive; just want to keep him in the loop and not miss out or feel like he's missing out on her growing up.

Originally Posted by Ownit
It should make no difference in whether there is an OW or not in how you treat him or how you should respond to him.


You are 100% right. I've been communicating with him just fine. It does not make a difference.

Originally Posted by Ownit
One thing I haven't wanted to raise for you, that I think you should be cognizant of, is that because this is a long-distance affair with his work situation, it will probably last longer. It can't get real for any length of time. They likely won't l live together for long periods. Therefore, less opportunity to take off the luv goggles and see things for what they are.


This is how I see it..his affair... mostly fantasy land, and is appealing to his MLC state of mind. Adventure, excitement. A different life. Not the routine of being a father. It's his new life, his journey. I'm the mother of his child. His journey has nothing to do with me. We're just friends. I'm more like a nanny. A Super Nanny.



Originally Posted by Ownit
Accordingly, I think (and this is my view of reading yours and other threads, and living with this a long time), the more he wonders what is going on with you, the less he knows about your life there, the better.


Yes, I agree. The less he knows about me, and what's going on in my life, the better. Totally agree.

Originally Posted by Ownit
If you send him what you are talking about sending him for the reason you articulated yourself above, you are pursuing him. You are using your kid to do it, but it is still pursuit.


No motive; just want to keep him in the loop and not miss out or feel like he's missing out on her growing up. I never thought of it as pursuing him, but I can see how it might come off as such. I'd never want anyone to think I'm using my my child in this way. I totally get what you're saying here.



Originally Posted by Ownit
KML is always spot on. If your D wants to talk to him, dial and hand her the phone. Other than that, let him make the lame effort to be a dad who is choosing to add yet more distance to his relationship with his D.


Yes, I 100% agree with kml. I've been following D3s lead on communicating with her dad... It's not as easy as just dialing the phone and handing it over, (Time zones/remoteness/odd work schedule: He's the boss at work..) OH how I wish it was that easy) but I get the the gist of what you're saying smile

Originally Posted by Ownit
I hope I am not being too harsh, but you did solicit opinions. This is mine and mine alone. In time you will come to realize that you can't make him parent, you can't keep him in her life, and she will be fine growing up with a strong, caring mom who does make her a priority. For probably a long time he will be a guy she speaks to little and sees less.


(((Ownit))) I appreciate your comments, I truly do, and NEED to hear honest opinions, however they come. I know I can't make him parent, ( just like he can't make me parent.. We all have our own handbooks, right? Who wants to be told what to do, or how to do it..btw. I'm still working on my handbook..lol.. ) But seriously, you're right. It's not up to me. The father he wants to be is up to him. His journey.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
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Thank you DnJ

Originally Posted by DnJ
If D3 wants to call or send something to Daddy, I’d just do it. Especially one way communication like emails, texts, letters, and such; H can open, read, and respond as he will. Phone calls and line video chats do take a bit of scheduling.


JUST DO IT (emails, texts, letters, and such) Yes I agree. I've been following D3s lead on this. And yes; H can respond as he will.


Originally Posted by DnJ
It is not your job to maintain or create the relationship between H and his daughter. It is your job not to destroy it.


Indeed. It's not my job to maintain that relationship or any other relationships H has. I want D3 to have the best relationship possible with her dad. He knows, and I've told him, whenever he wants to talk with her, I will do whatever it takes to make that happen, always. He knows, and it's up to him. Dropping that rope,,,right here... smile

Originally Posted by DnJ
Obviously, D3 is three. She is going to need some help in the logistics of long distance communicating. She is also going to need guidance in her growth. You are going to be involved when she asks why Dad did or said certain things. Just like if he was here, D3 would still have questions. Remember your job. Facilitate when D3 needs help. Validate and explain when D3 has concerns.


Spoken like the loving father that you are. Your kids are lucky to have you. Such a BIG heart.


Originally Posted by DnJ
I wouldn’t send anything about a communication schedule or strategy. Let H see and feel and suggest something.


I'm glad I reached out here first. I will just keep things as they are, and follow D3's lead.

Thanks Again.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
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kml Offline
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Maybe if I had done more, he would have reach out to HER more.


Nope. This is on him. He wasn’t sufficiently interested in being a parent to reach out more to her. Let him show you what kind of parent he’s going to be now. It’s not your job to manage his relationship with her. If he’s going to be a rotten parent you can’t fix that. And frankly, if he’s going to be a rotten parent, maybe it’s better your daughter doesn’t get more attached.

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Btw my sister’s husband left when their daughter was 5. He’s a sociopath who has had several relationships since and who only put minimal effort into his relationship with his daughter. Sister remarried a good man who was a great stepdad to my niece. Now 30, niece considered step dad her dad (he died last year) and her bio father is called the “sperm donor” - she no longer speaks to him,

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~j~ After my last post, I was more than pleasantly surprised to find multiple msgs, from H, in all forms (txt, video & pics.) first thing this morning. D3 was ELATED to have a personalized video msg from her dad. It was truly a wonderful sight to see her eyes light up & have me play it over and over. It was like Christmas.

**For the record, I had not asked him to communicate... this is ALL his doing, on his own**

A few one word txt... what his status was. Considerate & appreciated.

H continued the updates along the way as he traveled by air (beautiful photos) to his work/boat/home base for this season (from now until ...Oct/November... ) This schedule is normal.

I'm so happy that H took the time to share these moments with D3, as she asks so many questions and want's to know everything. Great to be able to show her what dads up to, without me having to ask. This is above and beyond any communication he's done in the past. I'm super impressed.

Good job dad. I'm really proud of you.


~Never Give Up ~
2019
Mar BD
June BD
Dec Aow/xgf
2020
Jan he wants D
Feb he flys2 ow
Mar returns stuck here C19 Lckdwn
Apr he leaves for work until Nov
Oct D FINAL 2020
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Originally Posted by kml
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Maybe if I had done more, he would have reach out to HER more.


Nope. This is on him. He wasn’t sufficiently interested in being a parent to reach out more to her. Let him show you what kind of parent he’s going to be now. It’s not your job to manage his relationship with her. If he’s going to be a rotten parent you can’t fix that. And frankly, if he’s going to be a rotten parent, maybe it’s better your daughter doesn’t get more attached.


Spot on.

My first husband left me and my D3, 30 odd years ago. He chose to move over 3 hours away with his OW. SHE encouraged him to maintain contact with D.

I did nothing. Remember, in those days we only had a house phone, no emails or social media. The only thing I made sure to do was to never run him down in her presence.

She grew up to make her own mind up that he was a waste of space. He tries now........but she has always thought of my second H as her dad, as he brought her up from the age of four.

Your H has chosen this path, it’s for him to do the leg work with D. You are already doing your job of parenting, you can’t do his too.

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