Anxiety just comes and go right this second with the hustle and bustle I feel a little calm. Last night I battled with weather or I could stay in my home any longer. Today I went back to work for the foreseeable future. It is also my 13th aniversary 🎉. A lot of emotion. I don't think I'll go home today at least. Thank you for your reaching out though.
I'll update more when I can in regards to my attempts or failures.
So an update from Monday. All and all Monday wasn't that bad I had a nice time out. I did break down a few times especially after I came home that. I spoke to my wife a little she wouldn't acknowledged the day on he'd own at all of course, that hurt. Even if we aren't together 13 years isn't a small thing not everyone has someone they have got to know for that long. Tuesday she went out again she prefers to never be here. I don't blame her I have not been to handle this new dynamic. I want to talk to her but have nothing to really say. I always was talking about us even before. The weather is so gorgeous tonight we should sit outside or maybe we should make plans for the weekend. Etc etc. Now all I come back to what we don't have anymore. Wednesday she did actually come home we cooked had a nice meal watched TV. I was in an okay headspace that night. Still ran out of things to talk about but eventually she started to talk to me normally about a subject regarding her new interest. I think I just got lucky that she didn't shut me down. But it was so nice to talk to her for real again. For her to be present and interested. It wasn't the kind of topic we would have discussed before even if I had wanted to she would have clamed up. There wasn't any love towards me in my opinion but to talk to my friend again was special. I think I'm still a long way out from understanding this. From detaching. But in that moment I thought for the first time maybe I could have this friendship if that was all I could save.
Lol oh our spouses though. Always ready to tear down any glimpse of happiness we seem to have you know. So next door I met with a very cold and stern faced wife. She is very serious and we need to talk. She wants to move out. She is not comfortable here, she doesn't feel like i can respect her space. I have not been the best at that so no surprise there.i tell her I don't want that and im not sure how she's going to manage unless she stays with someone. She says shell figure it out it's not my problem. I ask if she would want help moving, she says no I don't want to rely on you for anything anymore. And of course the biggest reason for this conversation, after all she could have just found a place behind my back, she wants the money from the accounts. She wants everything split that was joint and she'd also like the money we discussed in terms of me buying her out of the house. Mind you I have no idea if keeping the house will even be allowed when the time comes or if the lender will agree to refinance to me alone. I start explaining how that would be unwise on my part, that sounds simple but what happens when I do this now and in 6 months when I truly no longer matter and you want to file a divorce and take half of what's left too. Now I'm a piece of [censored] of course how could I even think she would be so greedy and heartless, I don't know cheating on me and up and leaving maybe, once again the rendition of I was talking to some guys online get over it, I could have done much worse. She did recently go out of her way to look up cheating online though. I saw it in a left open window. So when I called it cheating either way, this time she agreed versus telling me it wasn't really the same. Although still down playing it, " yes fine I cheated, I cybercheated, it still could have been worse and it has nothing to do with this. You know I wouldn't do that I just want wants mine." The article she clearly stated how all the different cheating was equally damaging that trying to generalize it didn't actually make it different. Maybe she didn't read it all, maybe it didn't matter, she just jumped at the ability to give it a new label that felt like less I guess. So she talks about taking part of the furniture, which is fine. Howed she'd like some money to help with things like a fridge, since she leaving me the one my parents bought us. business like that. I explain for awhile longer that I'm not sure how I feel about this. That it isn't just about us splitting like it was 3 years ago, were married and with come all kinds of ramifications. You could come after more money, the house, fail and default on bills or rent and hurt both of credits. It's a lot to ask without any paperwork and I deserve to protect myself also. Again I'm being negative, acting like she can't handle life with out me, being overbearing, trying to control her by holding this stuff over head. I understand what she's saying but that's not the intention. I at least want time to think about process it, maybe consult a legal professional. I don't say that last part out loud. She's pissed of course and storms off.
I went to my room and spoke to an work friend who had a similar high school sweetheart marriage like mine. They split years ago and I wanted her opinion. She thought it was fair for me to think about me in all this as well. Her and her husband didn't have any major assets so it was easy they officially divorced 3 years after seperation amicably and split the cost by then they were friends. Not close ones but still spoke semi regularly. She said when he left they just split the assets and that was that. My situation is more complicated with the house of course though. I though about more and slept on it. In the morning at work I went through all the accounts and split them the way we had discussed for years. There are 2 joint accounts, and a bills account which had a surplus for the money we had been saving for silly [censored], vacations, spur of moments outing, gifts, car maintinece etc. And then we have individual saving and spending accounts. I sent her the money and told her that was everything accept for the house. She could live with me if she wanted but I was paying anything for the house until it was it on paper. Her voice to leave is on her and I think it's fair to at least protect myself on our 1 real asset that I can't really know I will get to keep. she thanked me. When I came home she finished loading her car and took off back to Vegas for the holiday.
Im sure lots of you will say I made the wrong decision but overall I think it was right. It was her money. I hope we can end this without a fight. I still want my wife back but I don't see that happening any time soon. While the conversation was nice this week, some of the things we discussed really cemented some my wife's thinking right now. I pretty firmly believe she won't see me as a partner again until she fully works through this time in her life. And for me as a spouse it will get much worse. She's going to do things that will change us both forever. I'm really doing my best to accept right now. I have not texted or called since I transferred the money. We spoke for only a moment before she left mostly just bye have a safe trip. She texted to tell me she made it there. I said okay. She texted again to tell me her phone bill was due and asked for the password. I always paid all the bills before. I gave it to her. She there with our God son, last week she took our little brother and sister to the beach. She never sends me pictures or anything. Even though I've been voicing over and over again that I really hate that I'm goong to lose them too. It would be nice if I could see them happy and hear about the day while I still can since I'm not allowed to go. Every interaction in the last month that wasn't related to something she wanted like moving the bedroom, moving out, the money is started by me. So I haven't texted or called since I told her I moved the money and explained the house. It's hard I just want to call and her voice and her my God son's voice and hear about what there doing. I went out last night and that helped distract me for awhile.
Getting a life is hard I'm reaching out to people I used to know but conversation is not my strong suit and it's not like we can do anything together either. Basically the only way to get out of the house is to walk around a park or wander in a store. Been trying to read more again it's been hard though I get distracted by my thoughts easily. Work is helpful in some ways but also full of anxiety. I don't feel like Im doing 100% and that's bothersome especially with the state our economy is in. A major cut to education looks likely here and I've only had this job a year so my chances are not good in a lay off situation. My last therapy session I brought up how I always believed it was scam and I didn't know how it was supposed to work. He told me that was something I needed to decide but first I need to decide what exactly I want out of it. So I'm trying to think about that about what I want from those sessions. that's it basically another long few days in my life. 2 months since it all went up in flames is on Monday. Crazy all quickly a life together can just unravel completely.
Ups and downs as usual today. Still haven't contacted and haven't heard anything either. Boring day today. Watched some TV. Went out to pick up some lunch. Took a 2 mile walk. Grabbed some BBQ stuff for tomorrow. Not sure when she'll be back so will probably just be cooking for me. Also picked a book at the store Just something for fun vs the self help I've been reading.
Wife came home yesterday. She met some people from her group chat while in Vegas. They bought her flowers. Don't think I've ever heard so much vile resentment and contempt from her. Not sure if that really even has anything to do with me. I reached out and spoke to her family shes been seeing in Vegas over the weekend. Mostly because her uncle is the only male perspective I can get that truly knows us both. Found out that hes pretty baffled as well and has been trying to get her to reconsider. It's funny cause every time she told me she told someone knew I asked if they said anything like that and she always said no. Some of them I get but others shocked me. Everyone I told who knows us was stunned and then instantly asked if there was anything that could be done to be fix it. So guessing some his nagging could be apart of the problem too in regards to her mood.
Speaking with him and a few other people this weekend though seems to have given me some sort of new perspective. I'm hurting much less today. And her actions have barely affected me today. I really can't do anything about any of it. I know that's what I've been being told for months but it's so hard to truly grasp honestly I could revert back tomorrow who knows. I just feel like it's too much to keep holding on. Not to my want to reconcile that is still there and strong but to cling to hope that change will be here soon. I can't say that I'm doing a great job being cheery and aloof because literally everything I say is a problem for some obituary reason or another. But I'm not apologizeing and I'm not arguing I just continue my thought unphased if she wants to find fights she can do it herself. We made dinner enjoyed a little TV which for the first time in awhile I was actually enjoying and talking about throughout like I useto. My wife use to hate that but she also use to say it would be okay if I just paused it first. I never remembered to and it use to bug me, to me we weren't there for the show really it was about having a catalyst to bond and discuss. Who cares if we missed most of it if we talked for 45 min. I took the time to pause it every time now though. For the most part she talked with me and didn't say anything else about it bothering her.
After I asked her if she had transferred money for her trip. I had told her when she left we would balance up make a payment and remove my account on her card when she came back. My checking was a joint account for bills so all the cards pay from it. Our cards are used only as cash not credit. So you use your card it either comes off bill money already in the account or you transfer what you spent. Again instantly a fight about how she hadn't done it yet im not a child. I told her it's cool we can take a day or two but I want my account off. She finally agrees and it's done.
She goes to her room for school. And I take off for another 2 mile walk. It was a beautiful night. I hope I manage to keep this weight off and lose more. I know how dangerous it will be as a lot of it was lost due to me not eating during the worse of this and that tends to come back with a vengeance. 100+ degrees the next few days it's gonna suck. Like I said all this could be gone tomorrow and I could be right back where I've been but today I feel good.
One of the things her family told me was regardless of what's going on right now I'm still my God son's godfather and always will be. Regardless of what my wife thinks or feels I'm welcome at his birthday next month and I should come. He's turning 5 it's a pretty big milestone. He'll be starting kindergarten now. Crazy how time flys just a few years ago he was a toddler being ring bearer at my wedding. Being held in my arms because he couldn't sit still while I promised to love my wife forever. Drove his parents nuts but we didn't care he was just being a kid. Feels like yesterday. Now he talks all the time and has the most interesting thoughts. That really meant alot. I'm not sure what I'm doing yet. But I think I'll try to go.
Wellll like I said feeling come and go. Been anxious today. Wife went to her mother's for awhile. When she came back she said she was going there tomorrow to swim with kids. It's been 3 digits this week. Asked if she cared if I came wanted to cool down see the kids. She said I guess not which then lead to when are telling them I don't want to have these fake interactions anymore. I said whenever, we could do it tomorrow. Which then lead so what were to pretend and then say it or it's just to be awkward after. I said I don't it's up to you if don't want me there just say so. I've been pretty vocal I'd rather tell our families together if that's what we're doing. She doesn't believe hut I do care for her family and sure maybe there's no chance of staying friendly but I still want to have face and be there. Let them know I love them at least one last time. I thought she'd want that with mine as well but she refusing to talk with me there either. Needless to say these conversations spiraled into to good relationship talk. So yeah another strike for me. Not sure if anyone is still reading my stuff but good luck to the rest of you. Starting to feel like I'll never be able to do this.
i tell her I don't want that and im not sure how she's going to manage unless she stays with someone. She says shell figure it out it's not my problem. I ask if she would want help moving, she says no I don't want to rely on you for anything anymore.
Hi Illidin,
If you don't want her to move out, don't help her move out.
Originally Posted by Illidin
I start explaining how that would be unwise on my part, that sounds simple but what happens when I do this now and in 6 months when I truly no longer matter and you want to file a divorce and take half of what's left too.
I explain for awhile longer that I'm not sure how I feel about this. That it isn't just about us splitting like it was 3 years ago, were married and with come all kinds of ramifications. You could come after more money, the house, fail and default on bills or rent and hurt both of credits. It's a lot to ask without any paperwork and I deserve to protect myself also.
Good for you holding firm! That's a win. Leaving it at "Let me think about that." was probably better than sharing your feelies and worries about ways she could cheat you. I forget--have either of you filed for divorce or legal separation? If not, consider that doing so would afford you financial protections should she go on a spending spree and then want to re-divide the money or other assets. Hang in there!
Well nothing quite like getting your wife's car for a second and noticing a bag with your wedding lingerie in it. Which you specifically asked to have give back since i didn't want to think about her in it. An entire trunk full of clothes ive bought her but no it had to be the one I asked her to have some respect for.
I guess I'm just naive and stupid for believing in any kind of common decency in people as a whole.
Anyway. Needless to say yesterday went to [censored]. Big fight she stormed off cane back late haven't talked to me at all but then again I don't think she would have said anything to me in the last month if I wasn't talking first. Spent most of my day out running around. All and all it was okay.
Today I'm just not engaging I don't know what else to do anymore but that. Went to my parents and the gun range. Just been watching TV since I got back. Not sure how I feel anymore. I wouldn't call it empty I don't think but it's not strong in any kind of emotion. One day at a time I guess.
I've been away from the board several days, so I'm trying to catch up.
I've not been in your shoes, and all I can do is empathize. When I read your posts about the interactions with your W, it reminds me how much I disliked staying in the same room as my H. This, of course, was after my "cyber-cheating". Isn't that what your W called it? Like your W, I was turned off to everything my H said & did. The WW's head space is so messed up. It's another reason for stressing you need to detach, give plenty of space, and time.
My concern is for you, and maybe b/c I can relate to your need to interact vocally. However, I can't stress enough that it is not going to help your relationship with your W, currently. Should the M be saved, then you can resume, but you may need to tweak a few things. In the meantime, you may need to put this particular pleasure on hold. I'll be very blunt. Most WW accounts show she is not interested in what he has to say, especially when it does not concern her. As much as you desire to see her return to her old self, she's not ready.
As your community begins to resume its normal activities, maybe you'll consider participating in some like-minded discussion groups. For example (and it's only an example), you could attend a group supporting/encouraging the LBS. I don't mean a couple's class, but other LBS who want to save their M. Another example, could be those who are working to lose weight, exercise together, encourage each other, etc. It seems you need an emotional outlet, as well as receiving encouragement. You are verbally social, so find something where you can interact this way. Maybe hang out with other guys who enjoy watching sports, or talking politics, or whatever. I totally understand your need to have these interactions with your spouse.........and, I'm not suggesting you jump to the polar opposite and never speak. Here's the thing you need to avoid, replacing your wife with another woman. You get some type of emotional need met by this verbal interaction, to the point you get frustrated when you don't get it. Therefore, your weak spot will come through another woman being so willing to hang on to every word you say. Do you see what I'm saying? Don't think for a second there's not a female out there ready to pounce on that opportunity. If I had a nickle for every LBH who immediately rebounded with another woman........well, I'd be wealthier than I am now.
I'm sorry if you've mentioned this previously, but have you considered IC for your anxiety? Do you take medication? I can't remember if this is an ongoing problem, or if it started after you discovered your W's inappropriate conduct.
If you were the spouse who nurtured the MR the most, then it must feel foreign to consider any other way of being a husband. It's obvious, to me, that your W highly resents you asking her questions, checking to make sure she's done this & that. I'm guessing you are the one who thinks ahead, and you are detailed. You want to take care of her, and that's why you ask if she'll need help moving, etc, etc. I'll bet you were the one to take care of budgeting, keeping up with house maintenance, pretty much everything else. You've probably rescued her many times over the years, however, you didn't mind too much, b/c it was your way of showing that you cared. Am I anywhere close? If so, then you might have more anxiety in letting go or adjusting in these areas, but I hope not. My guess is that your W feels you "mother" her. After becoming wayward, she resents it even more. It's difficult for me to explain, b/c there is nothing about the WW that makes sense to the logical thinking male. One minute she expects you to rescue her, and the next minute, she wants you to stay out of "her" business. The LBH must feel as though he is walking a tightrope.
I said all of that to suggest you do some deep thinking about how you can refrain from being quite as "helpful". Now, don't go off the deep end, like some newcomers tend to do. Stay balanced. I simply want you to think about all the ways you have taken care of her, and ask yourself what would she have done without you. By taking care of her, I mean that you ran the ship, which included her. I started to say to think about the ways you've taken care of her that didn't fall in the normal range of what most of us see as the husband's role. These days, it doesn't seem that simple anymore. I'm getting too far away from my main point, so let me see if I can pull it back.
The LBH has to stop being Mr. Fixer and let his WW figure things out for herself. In other words, if she wants to leave the marriage and have a life separate from him...then she has to put on her big girl panties and stop relying on him to run to her rescue whenever she is faced with a dilemma. Maybe you see it as no problem, but I'm wondering just how much this ties to your codependency.
One more thought before I close. During this time, you may want reassurance that your relationship with friends and in-laws won't change. I encourage you to not press it right now. Her folks may feel bombed shocked, and may be totally disgusted with her, but at the end of the day......they are "her" family. They may not support her decision, but they are her blood. So, just give them some room and time to digest some this rotten mess. It's horrible for everyone. I realize you want to keep things like they were, but I've read lots of stories where it caused more problems for everyone in the end (usually due to the WW's jealousy). Make sense?
Yes, tell the kids together.......unless you are fine with her telling them this is a decision that both of you have made (to divorce), b/c that's how she'll present it. As for telling the parents together? I can't help but think that you are in denial about how this is going to play out, should it come to that point. Plus, I'm wondering why you are so quick to accept being one of her friends on the side, if you can't be her husband. Maybe I'm interpreting it wrong, but do you see the two of you spending time together, once she's divorced you? For instance, having dinner together and watching a little TV? Do you see the entire family hanging out together, after a divorce? I'm not suggesting you become enemies. I'm just trying to see from your point of view.
((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
In the meantime, you may need to put this particular pleasure on hold. I'll be very blunt. Most WW accounts show she is not interested in what he has to say, especially when it does not concern her. As much as you desire to see her return to her old self, she's not ready.