Illidin, You hang in there. This is going to be quite a ride. Read Sandis 37 rules. And when you’re done read them again. I find myself reading them everyday. I use the website as a journal and it’s been wonderful to be able too. There’s so much valuable information in the welcome letter besides the rules too. Also, personally I like to read others peoples situations to see the successful reunions and the people who are genuinely ok when there isn’t a reunion. It’s empowering.
Remember you’re human and you’re going to make mistakes, we all do. (I continue too). Remember this is all about working on ourselves. Becoming a better/best version of ourselves we can be. We also need to be happy with ourselves and be ok with being alone or moving on. That really is the goal.
The idea behind this imo, and I’m newer to this too, is once we become happy and content and confident our spouses will be attracted to us the way they once were, or at least intrigued. By than you may not want them back. Now remember this is all a big if with no guarantees. But if you work on yourself and you can be happy by yourself it won’t matter nearly as much if they don’t return.
Please continue to post and welcome to the forums.
Me: 40 EX:37 Together 17 years Married 16 years 5 kids, 20,18,15,14,11
I echo what others wrote. Be patient with yourself. Drop all expectations. Read as much as you can. My sitch is at 1 1/2 years mark already. W and I are back on the upswing. It took physical separation, splitting assets, and having weekly rotations of child custody before it started to sink in, the reality of it all.
I met my wife when we were 19 and now I'm 45. She's one of my close friend's sister. I can relate to much of what you said. I mishandled a lot of my past because I was a misguided kid. I simple didn't know any better at the time. I took this time in our separation as time to reflect and work on my emotional and self control. It's embarrassingly like night and day. I would say I felt like I was some entitled spoiled brat who was stuck in being a boy and not growing up as a man. That's what I think happens sometimes when we become overly enmeshed with our significant other is that our identity is always as 1 unit, which can be rightly justified by many. We still have to be self differentiated as Steve puts it. I wholeheartedly agree with that.
Get into IC to really take a look at what you've shared with us about that controlling nature. Try not to do that as another means of control. If you really want the help, you'll find it. What you wont find is that magic bullet to make your wife stay.
Some of the best advice given to me was to keep eating and drinking, sleep well, and work out. Get some fresh air and exercise. Whether you like it or not, your W just signed you up for this marathon so pace yourself.
IF you think you've changed in a day or a few days, you may want to look at the man in the mirror. Don't be discouraged, but just be honest and know its a long road ahead. You got the support of people who've been down that road. It can be ugly and can get uglier. This will be based on the choices you make from here on out. Your self-improvement can start today, for you. It always about you first.
H 49 , W 47 T 23, M 17 S11, S5 BD: 7/18 IHS: 7/18 - 3/19 Physically Separated: 3/19-4/19 Piecing: 4/19 - Current
Thanks everyone for your words. I can tell I must be even more messed up then I realize with all the tough love I'm getting. Its ok though, I appreciate the support and probably need to be knocked down a peg or 2. Its very hard to think of my relationship as dead but honestly I've been trying to fully convince myself of that all month. I know there isn't a scenario where everything just goes back to how it was. That wouldn't be fair to either of us anyway. I'm really trying to put in the work to get myself over this first hump. I know it will probably take awhile though. This week my wife has been coming home a lot less. I'm sure shes probably trying to avoid my awkwardness and badgering. I tried very hard not bring anything up that would be damaging yesterday. Towards the end of the night there was one subject that I felt was not going to be good but was business I thought needed to be said. She didn't really respond to me since it was late.
Basically with May quickly approaching now mothers day will be here in a few weeks. Luckily it looks like the virus will allow us to skip the bombshell it was original going to be. As I mentioned before right before the BD we celebrated my mothers birthday. At the party my mother told us all the only thing she wanted for mothers day were new family portraits. We hadn't done any in a long time and she wanted new ones for her freshly remolded living room that included her new daughter. At the time I really appreciated the sentiment. My wife has always loved my family more then her own due to them treating her more like family then her's ever did. At the same time my wife had alot of fears about not being invited to things more often with my mother one and one and thought regularly that she wasn't liked as much. I always told her that wasn't the case she just needed to put herself out there more. I didn't speak to mother about this and that was completely her decision to say that she wanted a portrait with all her kids my wife included. So at the least the big thing is avoided until the social distance ends. But I still need to buy a gift now and figure out if my wife will be coming to deliver it with me. Same goes for her mother. We still haven't told them so in there minds we should be there as normal. At this moment I'm just trying to avoid thinking about about our anniversary on the 18th. I guess its technically isn't a thing anymore but I know it will hurt and I'm not sure if I should at least do something, buy dinner or at least give a generic card.
I could really use some advice on how we should proceed with certain things. Obviously my wife is living with me and wants to. The bedroom thing is obviously a problem that has to be dealt with. But is that considered to be the right choice or is it just a personal decision to live together versus leave or ask them too. Alot of these rules talk about no contact or distancing and I'm just not sure how that works when you see each other every day. More or less continue living the same life as before short of any of intimacy or couple habits. I also fear being completely friend zoned which my wife keeps repeating over and over again she wants to stay friends. Did most of you inform your families of separation? We already more or less had separate finances. There are a couple things that could be changed such as the car payment for our new family car I bought this year. She drives it but technically its only in my name and was my decision to buy it to replace my old pickup. Things that we put aside for savings on the house or vacations together technically doesn't need to be split anymore as those were couple things. I have no access to her stuff anymore obviously with the nature of the break up but she still has full access to mine. Should I change that?
Joesph - Yeah I can definitely tell that this program isn't really about stopping a divorce and neither is any other program I have seen. The true point is about learning to like yourself and recognize and fix the parts of you that are damaging. Saving a marriage is the possible byproduct of that goal but the not the actual goal at the end of day. In fact it seems pretty clear that the consensus is that unless you reach a point where you can live without the R then you'll never really make it to a point in the program where your spouse might come back. I have also been reading a lot of situation especially where people ended up reconciling. Helps give me some hope to push away the bleakness I feel. Although I dont think I have found a single success story yet of someone like me. Most of them appear to be who have a lot more years in and kids to give them a common ground to interact especially after physical separation.
But I still need to buy a gift now and figure out if my wife will be coming to deliver it with me.
Mother's Day and your Anniversary are weeks away. Much can change in that time. Re: Mother's Day, I'd probably re-assess how you two are getting along a week before. I encourage my kids to give my ex-wife a card and/or gift on Mother's Day, but that's personal preference. Re: Anniversary, I'd probably skip the card because you two are not in a relationship for now--she's broken up or is on a no-boundaries break from you.
Originally Posted by Illidin
The bedroom thing is obviously a problem that has to be dealt with. But is that considered to be the right choice or is it just a personal decision to live together versus leave or ask them too. She discussed moving out of our bedroom but I haven't allowed it Im just not ready to sleep alone.
There are a range of reasonable responses. I'd avoid telling her she can't move out of the bedroom, and I'd avoid moving out yourself, but that still leaves many options to take your time and weigh.
Words I might keep on standby if she brought the bedroom topic up: "I was wrong to say you must sleep in this room. I'll sleep here, and I enjoy sleeping next to you, but it's your choice where you sleep." A clear 180 on your controlling behavior setting her free--which in fact she always was--that would be undermined if you repeatedly apologized, plead for an outcome, or called attention to the change.
Hopefully a veteran with more EA experience will chime in before you cross this bridge, and you'll have more time to read other situations to see how they handled this common dilemma.
Thanks everyone for your words. I can tell I must be even more messed up then I realize with all the tough love I'm getting. Its ok though, I appreciate the support and probably need to be knocked down a peg or 2. Its very hard to think of my relationship as dead but honestly I've been trying to fully convince myself of that all month. I know there isn't a scenario where everything just goes back to how it was. That wouldn't be fair to either of us anyway. I'm really trying to put in the work to get myself over this first hump. I know it will probably take awhile though. This week my wife has been coming home a lot less. I'm sure shes probably trying to avoid my awkwardness and badgering. I tried very hard not bring anything up that would be damaging yesterday. Towards the end of the night there was one subject that I felt was not going to be good but was business I thought needed to be said. She didn't really respond to me since it was late.
Basically with May quickly approaching now mothers day will be here in a few weeks. Luckily it looks like the virus will allow us to skip the bombshell it was original going to be. As I mentioned before right before the BD we celebrated my mothers birthday. At the party my mother told us all the only thing she wanted for mothers day were new family portraits. We hadn't done any in a long time and she wanted new ones for her freshly remolded living room that included her new daughter. At the time I really appreciated the sentiment. My wife has always loved my family more then her own due to them treating her more like family then her's ever did. At the same time my wife had alot of fears about not being invited to things more often with my mother one and one and thought regularly that she wasn't liked as much. I always told her that wasn't the case she just needed to put herself out there more. I didn't speak to mother about this and that was completely her decision to say that she wanted a portrait with all her kids my wife included. So at the least the big thing is avoided until the social distance ends. But I still need to buy a gift now and figure out if my wife will be coming to deliver it with me. Same goes for her mother. We still haven't told them so in there minds we should be there as normal. At this moment I'm just trying to avoid thinking about about our anniversary on the 18th. I guess its technically isn't a thing anymore but I know it will hurt and I'm not sure if I should at least do something, buy dinner or at least give a generic card.
I could really use some advice on how we should proceed with certain things. Obviously my wife is living with me and wants to. The bedroom thing is obviously a problem that has to be dealt with. But is that considered to be the right choice or is it just a personal decision to live together versus leave or ask them too. Alot of these rules talk about no contact or distancing and I'm just not sure how that works when you see each other every day. More or less continue living the same life as before short of any of intimacy or couple habits. I also fear being completely friend zoned which my wife keeps repeating over and over again she wants to stay friends. Did most of you inform your families of separation? We already more or less had separate finances. There are a couple things that could be changed such as the car payment for our new family car I bought this year. She drives it but technically its only in my name and was my decision to buy it to replace my old pickup. Things that we put aside for savings on the house or vacations together technically doesn't need to be split anymore as those were couple things. I have no access to her stuff anymore obviously with the nature of the break up but she still has full access to mine. Should I change that?
Joesph - Yeah I can definitely tell that this program isn't really about stopping a divorce and neither is any other program I have seen. The true point is about learning to like yourself and recognize and fix the parts of you that are damaging. Saving a marriage is the possible byproduct of that goal but the not the actual goal at the end of day. In fact it seems pretty clear that the consensus is that unless you reach a point where you can live without the R then you'll never really make it to a point in the program where your spouse might come back. I have also been reading a lot of situation especially where people ended up reconciling. Helps give me some hope to push away the bleakness I feel. Although I dont think I have found a single success story yet of someone like me. Most of them appear to be who have a lot more years in and kids to give them a common ground to interact especially after physical separation.
First off, even though there are similarities, every situation is different. There have been marriages that were reconciled with no kids involved. Or that were relatively new marriages. And there have been marriages with kids and a long history that ended in D. There was one particular heart-wrenching story of a longtime married coupled with adult children that on Thanksgiving she announced during dinner she was done and was leaving, and had her affair partner pick her up from the house and left that night. So every situation is unique, even if most of the things a WAS does is similar.
However, where I see you struggling right now is a very common thing for LBS. It is called the illusion of action. You think you have to be doing something, anything, to improve your situation. But here's the thing, you can't do anything to do that. You say that in your own words above, but then you go on about needing to do this and that.
Remember, doing nothing IS doing something. And the best thing you can do right now IS nothing. You talk about sharing a bedroom. Do you know how many LBSs here would kill to still be sharing a bedroom with their WAS? We see this a lot. Those that are in in-house separation think it would be easier to detach if their LBS would move out. And those that are physically separated think it would be easier to show their improvements if they were still living together. The fact is that these situations are tough, no matter what they are. You want to end your pain and you think doing something will help that. It won't. Many LBSs have pushing their spouse to leave, or to make some change, and they regretted it and wished they had left things alone.
Here's the thing with the bedroom. Unless she is actively in a physical affair, then letting her stay in the bedroom is fine. In my situation neither I nor my WAW (who was also a Wayward Wife) ever left the bedroom.
So take a deep breath, step back, and just take some time. You are worrying about things in the future. By Mother's Day your situation might be a lot different than it is now. So planning for it would be a waste of time right now.
So work on staying busy. Keep working on your self-improvements. Your idea for finding IC was a great idea. And study what detachment and work on it. Nothing turning my situation around like being detached and not reacting emotionally to my W's words and actions. She expected me to react like I always had. With anger, being upset, stonewalling, etc. When I didn't, when I was unaffected by what she said and did, and when I was still happy, upbeat, pleased, fulfilled and going about my own activities, she started seeing me differently. Work on it, you will be amazed by the impact it can have.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Well been a terrible 2 days. No one to blame but myself for that. My emotions have been completely all over the place. Couldn't keep myself in check. Broke down in tears twice. Summer has decided to show up in California so 90 degree weather is not helping my calm. Wouldn't stop talking about us any time I saw her and spent any time alone running situations of her affair through my head. She took off to a friend's a few hours ago not planning on coming back today. She was discussing spending the night soon last week.
Also heard back from the therapist today and was info to register for a therapy group I am not very excited by that as I'm not a religious man in any way. But hoping for the best.
Last edited by job; 05/05/2006:05 PM. Reason: Removed outside link not related to DB
So you did the exact opposite of what we advised? Illidin, you can make all the same mistakes we made and live with the consequences. Or you can learn from us and give your marriage the best chance it can have given the circumstances.
Trust me on this, you want faith -based therapy. If for no other reason than they will be pro-marriage.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
I want to start off by saying that I am sorry you are really struggling right now. I know you don't believe this right now but life is giving you a gift right now. The best thing you can do is set aside your marriage right now and get into therapy and free yourself. If you can do that then the bonus will be that it may restore your future. Your w is not coming back to your current marriage. You simply can not use logic and reason to get her to comeback.
Wouldn't stop talking about us any time I saw her and spent any time alone running situations of her affair through my head. She took off to a friend's a few hours ago not planning on coming back today.
Sorry to hear this. The more you pressure her, the more she'll run away.
