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A Message from Michele
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more of the same #2892924
04/22/20 01:00 AM
04/22/20 01:00 AM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
Previous Thread:

It's crazy out there


I was hesitating to start a new thread. Sometimes I wonder if 12 years here is enough and if I am just spinning in the same circle. Most days I realize this place has kept my head mostly straight for the last 12 years. I am so appreciative of the friends I've made and the support I have.

I decided to take tomorrow off of work. I am just tired. My coworkers helped me come up with a reason that wouldn't make work suspect I have the 'Rona. SO tomorrow I am calling out and taking some me and D12 time. She super needs it too. Today I got lots of free stuff at work. Free english muffins, Dr. Scholls and free lunch. The donations are very nice. I've managed to stick to my diet with all the treats too.

I miss my friends and my family. I am very fortunate to go to work and I happen to love the people I work with at both jobs. So I get to socialize there. But as an extrovert, this is rough. My dad and his wife are coming over for mothers day if the weather is nice and we will all hang outside and socially distance. He bought me 4 sero gravity charis that got delivered today for us to hang out with and chill.

So, I come here for some feedback. I've gotten some already but this has me a little baffled. My ex and I. We seem to have developed this thing where we help eachother out and thank eachother and appreciate eachother. He comes over and fixes things, and bring things here and helps out.He thanks me for my nice gestures and i thank him for his.

ANd get this: he asks me how I am doing, tells me I deserve some time off and tells me when I am in the grocery store that I should be home resting. He validates my feelings. I have no idea who this man is.

He either wants something from me and is about to to drop a bomb.,,,, or...... is he possibly a changed man? I am enjoying our positive interactions and the help. But I can't help but be suspicious, and well, sad. Sad it took this long. Sad he couldn't be this man when we were married. I can't begin to tell you how much better he treats me now.

I'm just curious. I am taking it for face value and appreciating the way we help eachother.... but the compassion and empathy and validating..... so not him. Maybe the "Rona got him?

In other news, I have also had my mind on an ex alot right now. Not my exH, but a certain ex. Somedays I just miss him so much and wish things could have been different. I feel like it's a real shame things ended the way they were and he couldn't handle the great thing he had.

OH, and I started reading the book "the modern breakup" sucha good book. I am not a self help person, but it's so relatable, it's like reading about me and my dating experiences.

D 12 tells me that I "don't need a man right now ". she's right. I don't.

Last edited by job; 04/22/20 08:25 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Re: more of the same [Re: Ginger1] #2892926
04/22/20 02:03 AM
04/22/20 02:03 AM
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,374
K
kml Offline
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kml  Offline
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K
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 16,374
Quote
so not him. Maybe the "Rona got him?


Well - they do think it can cause neurological changes lol.

Honestly - pardon my suspicious mind but - I think maybe his relationship with OW is crumbling so heís trying to get his narcissistic supply elsewhere. Just use it to your advantage and donít think about it beyond that.

Re: more of the same [Re: Ginger1] #2892965
04/22/20 01:42 PM
04/22/20 01:42 PM
Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,446
Canada
A
AndrewP Offline
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AndrewP  Offline
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Joined: Apr 2016
Posts: 3,446
Canada
I agree with kml. If I wanted to be negative I could suggest that he's "sniffing around" to see if you are still an option. If I wanted to be positive, I could say that he does care about you and helping you out and being thanked for it feels good to him.

The truth? Probably somewhere in the middle. You know this man though as well as anyone could. You've seen him without the veil of being wrapped up emotionally. Make sure your boundaries are solid, that you are true to yourself and your values and don't let him draw you in farther than you want. Especially be careful if you've had something to drink.

I think that the consensus is that none of them really change. They can put on "nice" and it probably feels really good but underneath they are the same selfish people they always were.

As far as thinking about ex's. Yeah - I totally get that. I can even guess which one. It's easy to gloss over the things that we glossed over and accepted during the relationship and view it positively. It's also ok to miss someone that you cared about and to miss just "being together". I certainly have that too.

Enjoy your day off! You need it.


On BD
H52, W50
T27, M26
S21, D23
BD-9-Mar-16
D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18
I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good.
But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Re: more of the same [Re: Ginger1] #2892967
04/22/20 02:18 PM
04/22/20 02:18 PM
Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,854
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JujuB Offline
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JujuB  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2016
Posts: 1,854
I agree with the above. Narcissists tends to be nice and helpful to everyone else. Right now, you are everyone else. Your not within his family system. Your an outsider so heís being nice and helpful to you and yeah heís definitely sniffing around and I bet OW is upset (good she deserves it) but he doesnít deserve trust from you. Just use him for whatever you can (dog walking, baby sitting) but donít trust him


M: 42
H: 43
Twins age 5
WAH in summer
Re: more of the same [Re: Ginger1] #2892969
04/22/20 02:22 PM
04/22/20 02:22 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,619
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LH19 Offline
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LH19  Offline
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G,

I agree with Andy that you need to be careful that you donít put the beer goggles on and try to jump his bones lol.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: more of the same [Re: Ginger1] #2892976
04/22/20 03:34 PM
04/22/20 03:34 PM
Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
T
TBSakaJ9 Offline
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TBSakaJ9  Offline
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Joined: Jul 2017
Posts: 4,560
G.....I understand the thoughts and questions but I can tell you that I will never, ever step in the direction of an X ever again. If they dump me they are out and would really have to earn it to get back in my good graces again. In the words of one of my on-line dating advisors...Ö."They would have to eat a whole lot of a$$".

Keep on keeping on G! You're ok!


Married 14, Together 17
M: 44, W: 43, D: 8, D: 6
M: 46, W: 45. D: 10. D: 8 (CUR)
Bomb Dropped: 5/28/2017
Separation Date: 6/17/2017
Divorce Filed: 2/7/2018
Divorce Final: 4/12/2018
Re: more of the same [Re: Ginger1] #2892985
04/22/20 05:09 PM
04/22/20 05:09 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
K
kas99 Offline
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kas99  Offline
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K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
2nd marriages last around 7-14 years depending on which stat you read. 67% of 2nd marriages fail because people (among other things) didnít fix themselves first. He married his affair partner what could possibly go wrong? Iím nowhere near as healed as you but can I laugh...please? I really need to laugh today.

Re: more of the same [Re: Ginger1] #2893001
04/22/20 06:52 PM
04/22/20 06:52 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
G
Ginger1 Offline OP
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Ginger1  Offline OP
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G
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 5,374
I just want to say first, even if he was a changed man, I donít want him back. Iím just wondering if there is an ulterior motive or he genuinely is changing.

But I donít think either is it. I think as you guys said, because Iím an outsider, heís being nice. And Iím going to take it for face value And enjoy the help and the niceness.

I donít care whatís going on in his current marriage, if heís questioning it, if itís crumbling, and what the stats are. I do know I donít want them to break up. I donít want my D to have to go through that .

I have no plans on taking back any of my exís. The only one I would ever contemplate is the one I was speaking of if he was a changed man who admitted he was a fool. But that isnít happening.

So I move forward, a divorced, single woman.

And yes, being off today was super super nice and much needed . Got a free ďthank youĒ meal from mc Donaldís for D12z she loves her Mc Donaldís and I let her have it once in a blue moon

Re: more of the same [Re: Ginger1] #2893036
04/22/20 10:09 PM
04/22/20 10:09 PM
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
K
kas99 Offline
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kas99  Offline
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K
Joined: May 2019
Posts: 1,529
As a general rule I don't think people change drastically without facing some sort of adversity so my vote is ulterior motive.

Re: more of the same [Re: Ginger1] #2893363
04/26/20 12:22 PM
04/26/20 12:22 PM
Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,890
Right where I need to be
F
Fogg Offline
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Fogg  Offline
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Joined: Feb 2015
Posts: 1,890
Right where I need to be
Originally Posted by Ginger1

So, I come here for some feedback. I've gotten some already but this has me a little baffled. My ex and I. We seem to have developed this thing where we help eachother out and thank eachother and appreciate eachother. He comes over and fixes things, and bring things here and helps out.He thanks me for my nice gestures and i thank him for his.

He either wants something from me and is about to to drop a bomb.,,,, or...... is he possibly a changed man? I am enjoying our positive interactions and the help. But I can't help but be suspicious, and well, sad. Sad it took this long. Sad he couldn't be this man when we were married. I can't begin to tell you how much better he treats me now.

I'm just curious. I am taking it for face value and appreciating the way we help eachother.... but the compassion and empathy and validating..... so not him. Maybe the "Rona got him?



Ginger,

It always amazes me how much I can relate to the things you write, other than being an extrovert, lol. I have a similar case with my ex, I end up being nice as does she for the most part. She's offered to get me hard to find items this last week (cleaning supplies, toilet paper, etc) as she has a friend who can hold them for her. I think the big difference is I end up keeping her at an arms distance and never really accept it. Shes never been inside my apartment nor have I her house, which shes lived in for almost 4 years. I have no intention of ever doing so either. She used to invite me to parties she would throw the kids, I declined. I explained to kids my own reasons and we did things on our own to make our own memories. I know you two end up around each-other frequently, I've basically avoided it completely and wont let it in. My kids don't have sports or events, other that birthday parties she throws, so that avoids most of the situations. I know there will be some in the future that I'll deal with and that's ok.

Other than that I get the frustration in general in being lonely. I'm at 5 years from D and still haven't been in any real relationship. I've barely dated actually. I end up reading your threads for some insights into what I might see later on, because some of it i'm sure I will. I've had so many similar past experiences and I think I have a general similar feeling toward ex that you do. Like you don't want them broken up because of what it would do to your kid, same here. It would just cause too much damage and disruption to kids lives. I would also never want them in your life as a partner either, although I'm sure most people in this forum topic would feel the same.


Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
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