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LH19 is blunt but his comment rings true.

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I’m even more blunt.

She has had 3 separate affairs, pretty much blames them on you and she gets to slide right back in and on her terms.

Woah.

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She is 2000 Light Years from Home...


You need to keep DB Curtis.


WW H(me): 53
W: 48
T: 27 M: 22
S: 18
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
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Originally Posted by LH19
Ok. I’m confused. Have you talked about reconciliation or are you under the assumption you are? I thought she was just staying there because of COVID?
If you’re confused, imagine how I feel. No talk about reconciliation, I may have made that assumption when she went NC with OM3. Over the past few weeks I’ve been monitoring her words and actions and have convinced myself this is not reconciliation, at least not what I think it should be. I don’t know why she is staying here now, but she doesn’t seem to have intentions of returning to her affair house. It’s confusing as all get out.

Originally Posted by CWarrior
LH19 is blunt but his comment rings true.

Originally Posted by Ginger1
I’m even more blunt.
She has had 3 separate affairs, pretty much blames them on you and she gets to slide right back in and on her terms.
Woah.
CW / Ginger, that about sums it up. Add to it that she won’t talk about her affairs, give a real apology, or show any affection towards me. I’m disappointed to be back in a different form of limbo, but not too down about it.

Originally Posted by neffer
She is 2000 Light Years from Home...
Nef, you got that right! Your posts really give me pause to think.

Today marks 18 months post BD. Still married, W’s back home. It [censored] being married to a roommate. She does random acts of kindness, she leaves her phone out in the open and is no longer glued to it like the past couple years. However, I don’t feel she cares about my feelings. I don’t feel loved, there is no affection.

We watch TV together after the kids go to bed. A couple weeks ago I tried to get closer to her while watching a show. I sat next to her and she became frigid. She got up and said she was going to bed. She said I have expectations of her to jump back together with us. She said she just came out of a traumatic relationship with someone, that she’s changed, and has boundaries now. She said she’s here and we watch shows together at night and that’s all she can give right now. She told me not to push. I calmly replied okay and let her go to bed without pressing the issue. That night I woke up in the early morning and saw things clearly. She has no desire for me. There is no attraction, she is light years from home.

There have been positive signs from my W. Last week she talked about something being at her house. Then she referred to it as “I guess you would call it the rental now.” I asked “How’s the rental going, making any money on it?” She laughed and said “Not really.” W has been looking at several decorating ideas for our house. She showed me some pictures and I commented on a spiral staircase and said that could be in the next house as she always wanted an upstairs. She replied this is the last house (referring to our marital home), there won’t be another. W wants to start a tile project in an arched niche in the hallway. She showed me several design options and said we could make it a family project and work on it together with the kids. Finally, W has written several future projects on a whiteboard in the house that she is interested in.

I’ve noticed that she has a tendency to throw herself into many tasks simultaneously when she is trying to distract herself, probably from having to deal with her past proclivities and the current state of our MR. Perhaps she is mourning the breakup with OM3. She has reached 3 weeks NC with him. However, W is regularly and easily stressed, I try to relieve some of her burdens and show that she is loved.

I’m living in a weird reverse limbo. I got BD, she went IHS for 5 months, moved out for 12 months, reversed course, now back to IHS for 1 month. Does that mean in 4 more months we will be in reconciliation? Uggh!!

Personally I’m doing good and keeping my spirits high. Working out 5 times a week in my garage gym. Back to playing volleyball a couple times a week with a smaller quarantine group. Playing and riding bikes with the kids. Today I played my first round of golf since pre-BD (used to play at least once a month).

I bought W a nice set of earrings for Mother’s Day and helped the kids make some gifts. No expectations that will change her feelings towards me. We’ll see how things develop over time as my birthday is coming up in a few weeks. It will be interesting to see if she makes it a priority.


Me:41 W:39 S:9 D:6 T:20 M:16
PA:8/22/18, BD:11/6/18
PA discovery & IHS:12/3/18, W moves:4/2/19
R’ville:9/27/19, I give D docs:3/1/20
W home:4/5/20 (due to CV-19), W NC w/OM:4/13/20 6/1/20
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C,

I can't believe I'm actually going to say this but as long as you don't fuch this up you may have a slight chance here. The problem of course is it should be the other way around and she should be doing the heavy lifting. If you can stay out of your own way and keep the focus on you this could possibly slowly turn around.

You should have had the attitude that she is here because of COVID and for the kids. Once quarantine is over she goes back to the rental. If she wants to work on the relationship great she does the heavy lifting. If not, that's ok too. Then you decide what you want to do moving forward.

That fact that you think she's going to jump back in like nothing happened is disturbing Curtis and shows you've done nothing to educate yourself about women, relationships and your own self worth. You can't buy her love and you should return those earrings immediately. This isn't a rom com Hollywood movie where you give her the earrings and she falls into your arms. These are the exact reasons why she's not attracted to you. People are not attracted to other people who jump through hoops for them. They ate attracted to people who are confident and command respect.

History shows you won't tame my advice but I keep hoping that at some point you might say, "maybe these db people know what they are talking about".

We are here for you.


Last edited by LH19; 05/07/20 09:28 AM.
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Originally Posted by Curtis
I’m disappointed to be back in a different form of limbo

I bet! Don't beat yourself up for doing this to yourself--learn from your mistake and grow. smile

Originally Posted by Curtis
Once quarantine is over she goes back to the rental. If she wants to work on the relationship great she does the heavy lifting. If not, that's ok too.

Being in this limbo is your choice. See how LH19's suggestion takes you out? Especially if you interpret "quarantine is over" as when businesses re-open in 1-2 months, not when COVID's gone forever.

Curtis, I hope LH19 made you reconsider that necklace. Don't be a doormat! Reclaim your respect and there's a chance attraction may follow.. instead of you being an ever-available safe spot between OM.

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I'm with Sandi. These texts clearly are not for your well-being. They are manipulative and threatening. I would stay far away. There is really nothing they can tell you that you don't already know or want to know. I'm sorry she has brought you into such a mess. But she has clearly ticked off the wrong person.


me: 46 h: 49
m: 24 T: 27
DD1:20 DD2:17 DS:12
BD1: PA for 2 yrs 08/2016
BD2: OW is one of my closest friends 12/2016
BD3: H wants a D 11/2019
Now: He is in the same house, but has filed for divorce.
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Quote
That night I woke up in the early morning and saw things clearly. She has no desire for me. There is no attraction, she is light years from home.

Good.

Quote
Then she referred to it as “I guess you would call it the rental now.” I asked “How’s the rental going, making any money on it?

Good.

Quote
She showed me some pictures and I commented on a spiral staircase and said that could be in the next house as she always wanted an upstairs.
I wouldn't discuss any plans for the future.

Quote
I’ve noticed that she has a tendency to throw herself into many tasks simultaneously when she is trying to distract herself, probably from having to deal with her past proclivities and the current state of our MR.
Sounds like a GAL plan.

I like your GAL plan too, but I'd dump the earrings. Get her a card and have a nice day with the kids. You even said she isn't feeling attraction towards you right now, so don't go buying jewelry - it is desperation and women hate that.


H 34
W 29
BD 3/12/18
Divorce Busted Spring 19

It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
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Hi Curtis,

I've been following your sitch for awhile now and see some parallels to my own, if you want to read through any of it (my H had a 2 year long-distance affair, I found out the full extent at the end of December, we had 6 weeks of limbo and discernment counseling, after which he ended his A. It's been almost three months now since he went NC with the AP, and I am slowly seeing loving/romantic behaviors start to surface again, though we haven't addressed the A since we went into quarantine.).

I have some advice for you take or leave that may be slightly different from what you're hearing from others. No disrespect, just sharing my take.

-- I think in your situation, the primary DB-ing rules are fundamental and still very, very important. Focus on yourself. Stop thinking about the future and what she may or may not do. Be present in the moment and drop all your expectations. I think you *think* you've dropped them, but they're still here.

-- Patience is so, so important. Cultivate it like crazy. She's not on the same timeline as you and you have to be OK with that.

-- You need to totally get, in the core of your being, that you have zero control over her. You control you. That is it. I still see you thinking she should be acting in a certain way and she isn't... let it go. Her behavior and thoughts are not within your control.

-- You have to be OK with the fact that she doesn't feel attracted to you right now. In all honesty, how could she? She's been involved in other Rs and is probably in some level of mourning, and she's only been 3 weeks NC with the last guy. And OMG that last situation was incredibly traumatic for everyone including those of us reading here. Imagine how she felt, not only getting herself in a situation like that but also potentially putting her children in danger. I would imagine it will take some time to work through that guilt and shame of that, plus loosening whatever infatuation she had with the OM, before her head clears and she can actually look at you as a potential romantic partner again.

Originally Posted by curtis7
I’m living in a weird reverse limbo. I got BD, she went IHS for 5 months, moved out for 12 months, reversed course, now back to IHS for 1 month. Does that mean in 4 more months we will be in reconciliation? Uggh!!

See how you still have expectations? And yes, it may take four more months. It may take a year. This isn't for the weak! (I have to remind myself of this all the time!)

Originally Posted by curtis7
Today marks 18 months post BD. Still married, W’s back home. It [censored] being married to a roommate. She does random acts of kindness, she leaves her phone out in the open and is no longer glued to it like the past couple years. However, I don’t feel she cares about my feelings. I don’t feel loved, there is no affection.

My suggestion here is to not worry about whether or not she cares about your feelings, whether or not you feel love or affection from her. She needs time and space to get to a place where she could rediscover those feelings... and pressure from you will not help that situation. Focus on loving yourself and your kids. Let go of any expectation that she should be showing you love and affection right now. Yes, it [censored]. But it is what it is.

Originally Posted by curtis7
We watch TV together after the kids go to bed. A couple weeks ago I tried to get closer to her while watching a show. I sat next to her and she became frigid. She got up and said she was going to bed. She said I have expectations of her to jump back together with us. She said she just came out of a traumatic relationship with someone, that she’s changed, and has boundaries now. She said she’s here and we watch shows together at night and that’s all she can give right now. She told me not to push. I calmly replied okay and let her go to bed without pressing the issue. That night I woke up in the early morning and saw things clearly. She has no desire for me. There is no attraction, she is light years from home.

I feel like your ego is a little hurt here. I would totally take what she is saying at face value and stop crying about it. If you can't handle the fact that she isn't cuddling with you on the couch yet, then you have more work to do.

My H has said almost the same things to me, word-for-word, about being present and that being all he could give. I had a hard time with that but eventually (with help from folks on the board) was able to let go and accept that it is what it is, he is where he is, things will get better between us, or they won't. And if they don't, then I can always choose to walk.

Believe me, I know this is really hard. If you read my thread I am having a hard time with it too. However, things ARE getting better, just very slowly.

Finally, I agree that jewelry feels like a romantic gift and that is pressure. Focus on meeting her where she is right now-- sounds like you're doing well in co-parenting. Have fun together with the kids, watch fun TV together, be friends. My DB coach told me a million times to focus on the friendship, that romance is like the fruit of the tree and you don't want to go for the fruit too soon. Water the roots and be patient. And... lose the expectations! I think that will help a lot.

One last thing... as time has gone on, I have been having a harder and harder time reconciling his A with the man I want to be married to and the man he's acting like today. I think I was so focused on saving the M for my kids' sake that I shoved all my feelings about the betrayal etc down deep, and they're starting to surface. I think it is normal but I would just caution that you might start to have similar feelings once she *does* start to show affection etc again.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Curtis,

Well here we are! We've been here before. Don't you remember? Let me ask a question? Deep down, with all the advice we have given you. Do you really think diamond earrings is the right choice right now? The right decision for where you and your wife is at, at the moment. What type of pressure will you think that will apply on your wife and situation?

Now back down memory lane. Remember when we said you have a lot of expectations, over a year ago. Well it hasn't changed. You had expectations, because you were keeping her horse, you "Expected" her to feel a certain way. You had expectations with making reservations to go to Retrouvaille, and you had expectations when y'all went and remember her reactions, after we explain, it might be too much, then you said you thought some good came from the visit. Then, you had expectations with the assignments given from Retrouvaille. How were your expectations filled?

You haven't taken our advice on none of those situations, so far, and I don't expect Mother's day to be any different. You're going to give her the Earrings, because you are hoping and expecting a specific reaction.

You going to tell us. It's just a "Mother's day gift". Not that big of a deal. You have no expectations, if you give her that present, it's because she's the mother of your kids. But you know and we all know, that won't be the truth, because your "Actions" have proved otherwise.

So, I'm hoping, that come Monday, I read different from what, I'm expecting from Curtis. We will see.

Joejoe


M:37 W:37
T:11 M:10
S17, S13, S10, S4
BD:06/28/17
OM confirmed 07/20/17
Recon the M 10/29/17
Working hard:2gether

Onward and forward

This process is not a sprint it's a marathon! Patience, Patience, Patience.
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