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I went over to H's place yesterday. We cooked a meal, shared a bottle of wine, talked, and watched a show together. It was nice. While watching the show on his laptop, we had to sit close together. I found myself disappointed he didn't reach out to touch me in any way. I was craving that little bit of physical contact. I rubbed his back for a few seconds. He said "it's just like old times, isn't it?".

It was. We have always been good companions. We have an easy way about doing everyday things, and always enjoyed sitting on the couch together watching a show in the evenings. Up untill the day he left almost 2 years ago.

We talked a bit about how to move forward. He said that maybe we could benefit from seeing his therapist together since she knows him so well. I agreed it would be beneficial, and maybe even an important step to navigate some of the difficult things I know must be discussed. He will talk to her about it on Thursday.

I was telling him about some of the home chores - yard, etc, and he said "you can always ask me for help if you need to".

He is slowly coming back to life.

We have both been careful to say things about reconciliation in a "not sure thing" way. Sort of like leaving the door open that we might not be able to make it work. It's hard to express, but got me thinking.

If we have decided to explore reconciliation, why not act "as if" it's a done deal? If we both provided what each other needs every day, why wouldn't it work? Seems to me you make a commitment, than do what needs to be done to meet that commitement.

Something to explore with H at some point.

I do see changes. Good ones. My biggest obstacle is the infidelities, the seeming ease with which he could carry on a double life. The ease in lying. I think that's the big thing I need to deal with so it can be buried.

Last night H talked about eventually having a fresh start. About trips he would like to take with me, with our friends. That perhaps we could even do it soon.

I need to let my guard down a bit and just "be". See where this takes us. Enjoy his company without expectations or over thinking it.

We are suppose to get together again tomorrow. I asked him to plan something.

One step in front of the other.

One day at a time.

Grace


M: 56
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DnJ Offline
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Hello Grace

It is wonderful to see the progress in your situation.

Originally Posted by Grace21
If we have decided to explore reconciliation, why not act "as if" it's a done deal? If we both provided what each other needs every day, why wouldn't it work? Seems to me you make a commitment, than do what needs to be done to meet that commitement.

Something to explore with H at some point.

Yes, if each of you work towards reconciliation it will work.

However, a few things to consider/remember:

H is still like a timid squirrel. Keep the pressure low, very low. It will take 1 or 2 years for him to feel like himself again; to feel comfortable in his own skin. He will have set backs; donít focus upon those, keep moving forward with compassion.

Act as if, a bit. Follow Hís lead. He is still upon his path and his healing is still about him. Yes, his and your paths are now intertwined, let him find the commitment to you and his healthy view point. Dig for patience, and keep those questions and conversations at bay for a while longer.

ďIf we both provided what each other needs every day...Ē - What a person truly needs comes from within, not from someone else. That is the lesson H hopeful has learnt during his running.

You both find your needs from within. You both provide the wants for each other. Then it will work out and last.

Originally Posted by Grace21
I do see changes. Good ones. My biggest obstacle is the infidelities, the seeming ease with which he could carry on a double life. The ease in lying. I think that's the big thing I need to deal with so it can be buried.

There are really good changes happening.

Yes the infidelities and the ease of lying will, at some point, get discussed. That is not now. He is just weeks into sitting on the couch with you and watching TV together. Be patient. Donít let your emotions push you too far ahead. You want H to progress slowly so he doesnít skip over stuff, or he will cycle back - and you donít want that. Itís really good if this goes slow. I know, it will feel maddeningly slow, you can do this.

Those items are big things to deal with. However, imagine in 10 years from now, they wonít be all that big, would they? Perspective and feelings. You wonít sweep this under the rug, and you wonít make it bigger than it is. It does require timing however.

ďI need to deal with so it can be buriedĒ - Donít bury it. Nor ignore it. In time, talk about it in full light. Buried things have a way of haunting us. In the light it will lose its power, and you can accept and forgive. Thatís more your path Grace.

In what will feel most unfair, you have the bigger share in this at the moment. You need to lead the way, being a beacon. Holding your tongue, having faith in the process, and realizing the time for discussing all the things is coming. Dig deep my friend. You are still the prize, and your path is still paramount. H has turned and is walking your way - keep leading.

One step in front of the other, and one day at a time. Indeed.

Enjoy the time together and the company. This is a new relationship you are creating; like dating. Donít bring all the heavy talks on the first dates. smile You are doing just fine.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
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Everything I was thinking as I read your post, DnJ said in his post. Harmony of vision between him and moi, as ever. Listen to his wise words. Tell yourself you will be silent about all that stuff til Christmas and try not to get into all the deep stuff until he has baked some more. Let him come to you, let him court you. I would even suggest you not see him two days in a row. Not to play games, I mean for you, to force yourself to keep being that wise, strong, independent, happy-on-her-own-woman you've been cultivating in your own beautiful flower garden.

XO Gracie.


I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living.
Wait for the Lord with courage.
Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Grace21 Offline OP
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DnJ,

Thanks for your insight and reminders to take it slow Ė very slow. I can see how easy my old self, the decisive fix-it self is trying to sneak in, and how detrimental it can be to the entire healing process, for H, me, us. I started reading Westoís thread beginning about the time her H moved back home. From the few pages so far, I think it will be helpful to validate my feelings, and get insight on how to navigate this new road I am on.
Originally Posted by DnJ
Keep the pressure low, very low. It will take 1 or 2 years for him to feel like himself again; to feel comfortable in his own skin. He will have set backs; donít focus upon those, keep moving forward with compassion.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Enjoy the time together and the company. This is a new relationship you are creating; like dating. Donít bring all the heavy talks on the first dates.


I will do exactly that Ė enjoy our time together, but no pressure or R talks. H picked me up for lunch today. We had a nice time. Went back to his place afterwards and watched a few episodes of a new season of a series we had watched together. I did not bring up anything heavy or R related at all. He made a comment about his emotional state, and I just said that I wanted him to know he can take all the time he needs to work through things. Things are obviously weighing very heavy on his mind. While watching our program, he said he really had missed me, missed hanging out like we were. I said I did too. He said, ďok. Good.Ē That was it.

It was a nice day. I will wait for him to contact me again.

Iím glad I didnít try to draw the conversation to anything heavy. I certainly donít want him to avoid me because he thinks that I plan to grill him every time we get together. The urge is a bit strong sometimes, I wonít lie. But I will persevere.

Gerda, my friend. Thanks for stopping by. I understand why you would advise me to perhaps take some time between visits to reinforce the strides I have made for myself. I will do that this week. Work, my gym, bible study, chatting on the phone with girlfriends, having meals with my kids, snuggling with my cat, and enjoying my backyard wildlife are all I need for the next several days. This weekend I saw a bobcat, and a deer comes sometimes twice a day to see if the squirrels left any corn for her.

Life is good.

Grace


M: 56
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Grace21 Offline OP
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So itís been about 6 weeks (maybe more, as I donít remember the date nor do I care about that) since H has left OW.

Much has occurred.
Much has been shared.

It is obvious to me that H has made some significant revelations about himself, what is important in life, and how he wants to live the rest of his life. He is taking a peek at Christ, and seeing what He is all about. HE is working on H very purposefully.

H is morphing into a new person.

I like it.

He hired an attorney to take care of the condo mess. A day after OW filed a restraining order against him. Papers were served a week and a half later by the cops at our home. He doesnít live here, so the kids had to address it and redirect them to where he is living. H had 2 days to secure an attorney and prepare before court. It was a pure retaliation move, she had no representation, and she wasnít prepared for the 100+ pages presented by Hís attorney of messages she sent H in the aftermath. Crazy stuff, including things like ďif you come back, I wonít file any chargesĒ.

It was thrown out of course, and was only a momentary irritation.

H and I have spent quite a bit of time together. Hanging out, sharing meals, and talking, talking, talking. He has joined me at church 3 times. Today we both felt like the message was meant for us. Quite remarkable.

We have agreed to put 100% (he said 110%) into full reconciliation.

I believe it will be so. H has said he believes it will be so.

I have no illusions that this will be an easy road. But we are both so very hopeful.


D21 has a lot to deal with, and seems to be looking for things to attack on. I truly believe she is looking for things to blame for her depression and anxiety, which are completely unrelated to her dad. We have discussed this, and she may be ready for a more intensive program.

We are starting the transition to H moving home, probably at the end of the month. I am paving the way for D21 especially, so she has the space and freedom to interact with her dad, and the family, as she feels comfortable doing so. We have a large unused space that we are making into her office/retreat. I am giving her full choice in when/how she interacts with her dad, with the only stipulation that she is polite at the very least. We spent the entire day last week celebrating the kids birthday as a family. It was really nice. H was here for a meal today, which was also pleasant. Baby steps.

I admitted to H that I am a bit nervous about him coming home. Not just for us, but the whole family dynamic. I will not fight normal feelings, and will just take one day at a time. Our get-togethers have been comfortable, and we have been very open in our discussions, which is freeing and encouraging. H has a lot of baggage that he is still unpacking, but I believe God has us on a good path right now. HE spoke to us during services today, and H listened. H suggested we start marriage counseling, and we will probably do so soon. I think we will need the relationship with a therapist during this reconnection phase especially. Lots of the past needs to be dealt with and out in the open so it canít have control over either of us any more. Best to do it with a referee. And slowly, slowly, slowly.

I am peaceful and hopeful. I remain the beacon of light for my family. God showers us with his blessings, for which I am so thankful. He will see us along the bumpy path, and continue to pick us up when we stumble.

Life is good.

Grace


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Grace, what a wonderful update.

Walk in the light. Continue to be the safe place for H to land. Shine as a beacon to H, your family, and others.

Non-judgemental and compassionate. Forgiving and accepting. H will be his own harshest critic. He will seek to make restitution for his actions, in time.

You are doing great. Dig for patience and follow God.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
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Grace,

What wonderful news! This will be a brand new marriage and you and your h have changed so much since he walked out. Try to be very patient as he is going to still be a bit emotionally fragile for quite some time.

You are doing great! Dig deeper for patience.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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Really happy to hear how things have been going for you Grace!! Your H is very lucky you hung in there. OW sounds like a nightmare!! Hopefully time will help and she will eventually just go away. Hope your new marriage is ten times better than your old one. (((HUGS)))


Me 53
H 48
B/G Twins 13
SD 21
Legal SA - January 2019
Divorce filed - June 2019
Divorce final - November 2019

Together 14 years
Married 12 years
BD1 - May 2014
BD2 - September 14, 2018

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Grace21 Offline OP
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Thanks DnJ, Job, and Deja for your support and encouragement. I will continue to need it as I navigate these new waters. I'm not afraid of the journey ahead, but find myself feeling short moments of anxiety. I try to stay in the present.

Originally Posted by DnJ
Non-judgemental and compassionate.


I've got the compassion down, but judement is agressive in trying to take a foothold. I am resisting, and know that as things unfold, and more openess prevails, it may become more agressive. I will persevere in overcoming it.


Originally Posted by DnJ
H will be his own harshest critic. He will seek to make restitution for his actions, in time.


I am a bit concerned about this, as he has said on more than a few occassions that he will have to live with the guilt and shame the rest of his life. I have told him he doesn't, but he will need to find that out himself. If he doesn't release it, I fear that he will revert to the person he was running from in the first place. I know that I have absolutely no control over this, and will have to let him figure it out.


Originally Posted by job
What wonderful news! This will be a brand new marriage and you and your h have changed so much since he walked out. Try to be very patient as he is going to still be a bit emotionally fragile for quite some time.


The potential for newness is exciting, and so far our interactions encouraging. He is present, listens, and we both are feeling free to express ourselves truthfully. I do find myself inpatient for dealing with some of the past, and am unsure how to nagivate that - including discussing things I'm not sure he knows that I know. I'm digging for patience in waiting for instructions from God. That's probably the best way to go for now.


Deja - we came to this board about the same time. Our journeys are different, but the same in some ways too. How far we have come!

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
Your H is very lucky you hung in there.


Yes, he is!

Originally Posted by DejaVu6
OW sounds like a nightmare!!


Yes, she is. She is coniving and mean. H knew some of this before he even moved in with her. I hope H will work through what compelled him to hang on to something that made him so very unhappy. He has mentioned his running from his guilt, shame, and self, and thought starting with a clean slate would help. He realized it made him feel worse.

But I realize she is a very broken person, and don't wish her ill will. I have prayed for her from time to time, but just try not to think about her too much. Seems the best way going forward.

Grace


M: 56
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D: 20

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Hello Grace

Originally Posted by Grace21
I've got the compassion down, but judement is agressive in trying to take a foothold. I am resisting, and know that as things unfold, and more openess prevails, it may become more agressive. I will persevere in overcoming it.

I do empathize with those judgemental feelings. I credit S21ís GF for my eventual shift in my perception. Of course I did have a hand in it - it is my head after all. smile Anyhow, she mentioned how she was taught that only God is wise enough to be able to judge someone. It took me several weeks to find my way to see that and let go my ingrained attitudes. And a lot of peace and forgiveness followed.

In matters of the soul and morals, who are we to judge. There is so much hidden information that we do not know. Even our MLCer spouse doesnít know their own information. Only God can see all.

I do want to share that for me, it wasnít so much resisting and overcoming, it was accepting it. Accepting that I was judging her. Like ďovercomingĒ fear is not done by the direct approach, we more come at it sideways.

Fighting begets fighting. Resisting begets resisting. Accepting begets ...

We accept and we change.

I do love following your journey. The little moments of anxiety are normal, and a good thing IMHO. You are doing an excellent job of navigating these new waters.

D


Now: Me54 XW50 S24 S23 S21 D19

Oct 8/17-BD, Moves in w/OM, Leaves Kids
Me49 W46 S20 S19 S16 D15
M26 T29
Dec 9/17-Legal Separation
Oct 3/18-W Files
Apr 6/19-Divorced

Love the Sinner, Forgive the Sin.
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