Thank you DnJ. It's been a nice day. Kids made salmon lunch for me, great card with sweet messages and a thoughful gift. D20 likes to shop for 2nd hand clothes, and S22 wanted to add to his VHS collection, so off to the 2nd hand store we went. I found a pair of designer jeans that fit me perfectly for $6.98. D20 found a sweater for a buck more. Nothing for S22, but a nice time out together.
Great weekend all around. Things are relaxing here a bit, so Happy hour on Friday with a friend I haven't see in about 6 weeks, and Saturday night dinner in with another friend. I'll spend a bit of time planning a trip to another state to see family in June to celebrate S22 graduation.
I remind myself I have a nice, easy, joyful life.
But....there seems to always be a but, doesn't there?
I find myself filled with thoughts about H more regularly. Sometimes I want to just tell him to come home. I believe he would in a heart beat.
But, I realize he needs to do the work first. Then we need to do some work. I get that if we want to have another go at it, a lot of the work would come after we decide to live together again, and then it's still no guarantee. He also needs to do a lot of work with D20. And lots of healing needs to take place. So much. It's daunting even to me. I can't imagine how daunting it must be to H.
It's easy to start taking leaps into the future. I frequently have to reign my thoughts in, regroup, pray, and get on with life. I seem to have to readjust more frequently lately. Nothing in the future is guaranteed. So, I need to remind myself to just take one day at a time and not worry about what might be.
Maybe it's just one of those valleys that are necessary to traverse on the path to a future.
Marathon, not a sprint. I think I started running the marathon too fast. I forgot to pace myself. I think it's time to walk my marathon for while.
Happy Mother's Day, my dear friend-who-is-a-Grace --
Sounds to me like all your feelings are totally natural and normal. And your ability to not act on them is very wise. XOXO
A poem for you today --
Eating the Avocado
By Carrie Fountain
Now I know that I’ve never described anything, not one single thing, not the flesh of the avocado which darkens so quickly, though if you scrape
what’s been exposed to the air it’s new-green beneath like nothing ever happened. I want to describe this evening, though it’s not spectacular. The baby babbling
in the other room over the din and whistle of a football game, and now the dog just outside the door, scratching, rattling the tags on her collar, the car going by, far away but loud, a car without a muffler, and the sound of the baby returning again, pleasure and weight. I want to describe the baby. I want to describe the baby for many hours to anyone who wishes to hear me. My feelings for her take me so far inside myself I can see the pure holiness in motherhood, and it makes me burn with success and fear, the hole her coming has left open, widening. Last night we fed her some of the avocado I’ve just finished eating while writing this poem. Her first food. I thought my heart might burst, knowing she would no longer be made entirely of me, flesh of my flesh. Startled in her amusing way by the idea of eating, she tried to take it in, but her mouth pushed it out. And my heart did burst.
I believe I will see the bounty of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord with courage. Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
H sharing tidbits. A video he found helpful one day, words conveyed to show he has reached out to an old friend another. He feels relieved about the words the friend shared back.
Rejection has been averted. The monster perhaps isn't so scary any more.
Fears and acknowledgement of profound depression expressed. The walls of his prison are closing in.
He's grasping for the key, but it is just, but barely, out of reach.
Perhaps he's starting to discover he holds the power for change. He's exploring it. He is working hard.
I offer gentle support and encouragement when I feel the Holy Sprit is prompting me. Not often.
Occasionally a scripture. Today "Good Morning. I hope you have a great day". I just felt inspired to do so, and that he might need an encouraging word today.
H's response: "You too, babe."
Perhaps a new season is starting for H. Growth that will lead to a new life. Time will tell.
Meanwhile, mine remains joyful, peaceful, and full of activities.
My H is experiencing an emotional storm right now. And I hope it will shoot him out into awakening. To read your post right after I posted mine gave me goosebumps. I don’t know where my H is at. But the little bits and pieces of H behavior I witness combined with events happening give me hope we are headed in the right direction. I am so happy for you. To see positive movement. Enjoy your ‘you too, babe’ responses. It’s what we all want.
It is wonderful to see H is still sharing with you. I’d say you found the right balance of when to reach out and when not too - for him and you.
You are, of course, correct that H is both prisoner and jailer. He holds his own key; like we all do. Perhaps he is starting to see that.
Keep acknowledging and accepting what he shares; when appropriate, you got a good handle on that. Processing and sorting through fears and irrational emotions takes time and some odd detours once in a while.
You really are shinning bright and he sees the lighthouse. He is still captain of his ship and still decides where he goes. However, he is watching.
Awakening is a slow journey. And you want it slow. You want it right.
Live the good and peaceful life my friend.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
I stop by from time to time and peek at a few threads here and there, but in all honesty, it's been a bit of a relief to just not focus on it for a while. I believe I am entering a new phase. Not sure what that means. Maybe "healing". It may involve reconnection with H.
I reported last time that H reached out to an mutual friend (from our couple's days). Our friend is more than willing to be supportive, but is allowing H to do most of the reaching out. Wise, I think. I spent the weekend with this couple, and they assured me that they would welcome H back into the fold if we were to reconcile.
H reached out to another friend (again, one of our "couples" friends), to ask if he could use their place while they are away for 3 months. Today, H sent a text message saying they agreed. Two things I believe are important here:
1) H took a leap of faith, became vulnerable to potential rejection, and asked for a favor from someone. 2) He shared this with me so I know he is serious about getting out.
I do not know his plans for actually making the move. He's got to find the courage to tell OW. He will choose to tell me or not.
BTW - the house is only about 2 miles from mine.
D20 is doing well. She continues with therapy, and I continue to be supportive, encouraging, and uplifting. I realize that she lacks self confidence, and coach her on how to approach things that need to get done. We have a wonderfule connection.
S22, the graduate, has no job prospects - yet. He's looking into short term employment just to make some cash, and hopefully things will start opening up soon. But with all the new stuff going on, who knows!
I'm sad for my home state (which I will be travelling to with the kids in a few weeks to celebrate the graduate with immediate family), and i'm sad for my country. I fear for my kids future.
But, I believe God is in control, and He will prevail.
Life is good.
Grace
P.S. If anyone could point me to posts that talk about successful reconnection, and/or the process, I would appreciate it. I will need help in navigating it. If I look at the entire journey, it's daunting, but if I look at a few days or weeks ago, it seems hopeful.
Here is a thread that I created many years ago on the reconnection process. I hope this helps. One thing that I caution people who are in the process of reconnecting...you, the LBS, must be very, very patient. This is the stage whereby you need to listen, provide a safe place to land and allow them to come to you. There will come a time when you can talk about what transpired...but you really must dig deeper for patience. This is the hardest stage for both the MLCer and the LBS.
Also, check out Westo's threads. She and her h have successfully reconnected and back together.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Job - Thanks for the link. I will spend some time reading the posts. And thanks for the reminder to be patient. H has expressed on numerous occassions how he wants to pick up and start fresh with me somewhere else. I keep reminding him that it would not work. I think he would like to sweep it all under the rug, but I need to stay strong to ensure my old self does not rear it's ugly head - the one that loves to sweep difficult things under the rug. My new confident and open self wants to start tackling the issues right now, but I will head your advice as I see the value in it. I believe my journey brought me to this time, and has provided me the strength to in fact stay strong. I will wait for H to reach out, and provide support when appropriate.
Keep digging deep for patience. And yes, do not sweep things under the rug. Remember, there is a time for everything, you must wait until it is time to discuss things. Good on you for realizing your desire to tackle things now and the wisdom to wait.
Originally Posted by Grace21
H has expressed on numerous occassions how he wants to pick up and start fresh with me somewhere else. I keep reminding him that it would not work.
Maybe just validate and don’t tell him what won’t work. Hopes and dreams are powerful fuel and perhaps H could use some right now. Not leading him along or anything, just not crushing a fledgling hope. Reinforce the fresh start, second chance idea; and more ignore the somewhere else part.
You know the power of hope and imagination.
DnJ
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
