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WARNING! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

A phrase the pops into my brain with a bit of frequency of late.

Feelings ebb and flow. A glimmer of awakening on the horizon.

H and I had a few normal, nice exchanges via email about a new car I purchased. About 3 days ago, he ended one with “I’m glad we can communicate regularly and in a nice way again. Truly.” I said “me too”.

That evening, he sent me a text message: “He has dug a pit and hollowed it out, And has fallen into the hole which he made. Psalm 7:15”. That was it. Just a scripture. I was so surprised. A scripture? Wow. I was making then eating dinner with the kids, so didn’t see it or respond right away. Was he looking for a response? Most certainly. I have no doubt about that.

Me: “He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. Psalm 40:2”

He didn’t respond, nor did I expect him to. I messaged briefly the next day to inform him something about S23, and he sent a brief response. No other communication since.

I struggled this week with wondering if I should be communicating with him like this while he is living with OW. Am I letting him cake eat? It’s weighed a bit heavy on my mind. But, I am still proceeding with the negotiations for the agreement, and living my life fully. So, perhaps it’s not something I should spend too much time worrying about. *sigh*

My lesson/podcast for day 20 of my devotional I mentioned in an earlier post was about repairing relationships, and the testimony was from a man that almost lost his family and finished by saying if we are in a broken marriage there is hope.

I found myself telling God out loud during that podcast that I want my marriage to be repaired. I asked God to give H the tools and endurance needed to make that happen, asked God to intervene and help H repair his relationship with the kids, and especially D20. I think this is the first time I really acknowledged that.

My earthly mind thinks it’s a long shot. But my spirit knows that God can do anything if it is in His will.

I will continue to wait to see what He wants of me.

Perhaps I will proceed in faith instead of caution. Seems a better way to live.

Grace


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Grace, I think its inevitable that you have to allow a little cake if you want to reconcile your marriage. You are in a different position than most. He is testing to see if you are safe and are going to push him when he isn't ready. As long as he is being kind and respectful, and it isn't making you spin, then it seems there is no harm in it. If it goes on longer term and gives him just enough taste to keep him stuck, then maybe you pull back. But it seems that he is moving closer to you.

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OwnIt - thanks very much for this perspective. Makes a lot of sense to me now. He had said to me that he is taking huge risks by sharing with me (i.e. it goes against how he lived his whole life, he fears I could "use the info to hurt him", etc). I will follow by gut right now, and that is to engage in a compassionate, caring way. Thinkig of him living with OW still is a big ouch, I won't lie, but I really believe he is miserable, and that is something anyway.


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Gracie -- I think you can have caution about H but absolute faith in God. Think of Peter looking at his feet and sinking. Don't look at your feet. H is still drowning in the stormy sea but if you keep your eye on Christ then I think you will know what to do each time, and what to say, and how long you should wait before you respond. I had exchanges like this with my H up until he filed, even maybe a bit after that. Sometimes I would say a little too much -- e.g., quoting scripture back might be too much. (I realized at some point that it was better for me to respond with scripture in my prayers and not to H. To H I just said things like, "So true," or "So beautiful" if he quoted scripture, and then as far as quoting it back or marveling about it, I kept that between me and God. Not that you should, I don't know what you should do! Just sharing what happened to me.) Anyway -- if I imagined that Christ was sitting quietly in the room -- or in the branch of a tree or on the roof of my car, etc -- watching me, loving me, I usually knew how much/little to say. I literally used to sometimes imagine that Christ was running next to my car on the highway, smiling at me through the window.

(Looking back, I have no regrets about my endless stand. I did everything I could, and I got closer to God. My kids witnessed what it took to stand for a marriage and understood what a vow means. I am glad that they will remember me standing for seven years. I am glad they don't have to deal with a stepdad or stepsiblings -- at least until they are grown, but maybe always.... I don't want to restore anymore, I am scared that God would ask that of me, actually. But I am glad I did everything I did, I feel like I listened to God and it brought me closer to God, even if H chose the darkness in the end.)

I think OwnIt's comments are not only right on the moolah, but also, coming from Own who is not a person of faith, it is saying a lot that she reads things that way. I agree with her about him testing the waters and about you being safe. I don't think it's cake eating or that you should even think about if it is or not, as long as you are looking at God, not H, when you choose your actions. Your H is testing and looking at the water, that doesn't mean you should!


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Good Morning Grace

Originally Posted by Grace21
Perhaps I will proceed in faith instead of caution. Seems a better way to live.

I agree!

Originally Posted by Grace21
WARNING! PROCEED WITH CAUTION!

A phrase the pops into my brain with a bit of frequency of late.

Perhaps see caution as being careful and not the timidity side of it. Overly cautious sounds rather fearful, and not where I think you are.

Proceed with careful faith.

I have faith that cars will stop. However, I still look both ways before just stepping out into the street.

Faith isn’t blind. The idea of blind faith, is misused and invalid. All of us have a reason, many reasons, to believe. Blind faith suggests believing without reason.

Faith is a belief that has taken hold so strongly within you that it alters your actions and behaviours. Many many people are people of faith and do not realize it. Faith is usually reserved for speaking about religion and God, but belief is belief, and faith can extend to anything and anyone.

Faith, beliefs, trust - all tie together, and none are blind.

Live with faith and caution.

The eyes wide open kind of caution. The fearless kind.

Since I’m apparently standing on my soapbox:

That kind of faith is the kind that moves mountains. It can simultaneously and paradoxically throw caution to the wind and yet is not reckless.

The belief in goodness and light is such a beacon, becomes such a force.

Forgiveness is one of the things that requires such a faith.

From my journey and my own efforts: It appears almost reckless how one has to offer their broken and hurting heart and soul upon the alter of forgiveness. It again appears reckless and blind, taking this action without the other person even deserving it. One has to risk so much of themselves, open themselves up to so much possible pain and hurt - so not true.

Forgiveness is a requisite for peace and acceptance. Forgiveness is for you.

This forgiveness and faith is based on compassion and understanding. Realizing and working towards one’s peaceful gentle life is a long view of things. That view is careful and cautious with our precious heart and soul. It is best to face life free and happy , not bitter, resentful, and trapped.

That is not a reckless path. It is a path of fulfillment, enlightenment, and such a faith. It will so moves your mountain. And you will be changed!

That’s a faith worth living for.

That’s a faith worth forgiving for.

For what it’s worth, H is cautiously extending his belief and faith in you. Sharing his feelings and things that could be used against him is something he is quite fearful of. It is nice to see his progress. Where it goes, time will tell.

H is still living with OW. Eating cake. You are correct, do not invest your time worrying or thinking about it. By the way you are not worrying about it, you’re worrying about when it will stop - as in why hasn’t it yet. Watch out for the hidden expectations.

Worry and fear are for things not yet happening. We don’t worry about something that is currently happening. We worry about what might happen, or not.

It is hard enough to let go of fear and worry when seeing them accurately. It becomes almost impossible when we work on the incorrect trigger and event. Hopeful that helps.

Originally Posted by Grace21
I found myself telling God out loud during that podcast that I want my marriage to be repaired. I asked God to give H the tools and endurance needed to make that happen, asked God to intervene and help H repair his relationship with the kids, and especially D20. I think this is the first time I really acknowledged that.

I am glad you acknowledged all that.

God does act, does intervene, through those who allow Him.

You control you. Let God shine through you. Have a faith and forgiveness that moves and changes you. That light garbs you, and cloaks you in His loving embrace.

H will see you and your brilliance. It is up to H if he changes.

I believe he is working on it.

I believe God is as well.

DnJ


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Lots of emails have been exchanged with H. He is sharing enlightenments, and also feelings of despair, fear, and lots more. I have engaged in these exchanges. Felt it’s the right thing to do when he reaches out.

But, today I realized that in spite of all the sharing, he is not ready to receive. I am fearful (terrified, really) of being drawn into the fixer role, the mother that just wants her boy to stop hurting. To get over it. Whatever.

I am doing well, but can see how engaging in such a way can be counterproductive. To H’s journey, to potential reconciliation. Today there was an exchange. He pointed out on two separate instances where something I said he considered snarky, and that he reminded me he wasn’t an idiot. Re-reading them, I can see how he thought that. I apologized. But I feel I am sliding into too much advice (even though he voices he wants help). I realize I am not the one to give it.

So, I am stepping back. I have way too much on my hands with D20. Lots going on there. And trying to encourage my recently graduated S22.

I am anxious for normal to return. It’s time. Time for society to return to normal, everyday life. Time for me to return to my own normal. To just live peacefully and joyfully.

Today I went on another long bike ride with a friend. I never go alone because I’m worried about getting a flat or other bike problem in the middle of nowhere. Anyway, 28 miles, over half of it in a preserve. It was awesome. I wish I could post some pics here.

Tomorrow yard projects continue, as well as closet cleaning. Last week S22, this week D20.

Normalcy is beginning to return already.

Life is good.

Grace


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Way back in college, a guy friend of mine said that he could see us getting together later in life after we both married and divorced someone else. I said “When I marry, it will be for life”. That exchange with my friend so many years ago has popped into my mind periodically throughout the years.

I realize I still want to be married for life. But sometimes we don’t get what we want. We are promised by God that he will always give us what we need, but not necessarily what we want. This is not meant to be doom and gloom. Far from it. Just an observation, and an acknowelgement that God is in control.

Today is my 29th wedding anniversary. I don’t feel too down about it. It’s just noted in my head and heart today. I had a fleeting thought to wear my wedding ring today. But, my finger is bare.

Time will bring me the answer to whether I will be married for life. Time will bring the answer to whether H can heal enough, whether the family can heal enough, whether H or I have the stamina to do the hard work, whether there can be enough change to sustain the relationship with a spouse I know I need, and deserve.

Today, I will remind myself why I am standing, and pray to God for continued guidance on my journey.

Grace

Last edited by Grace21; 05/04/20 11:46 AM.

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Hello Grace

Originally Posted by Grace21
Today is my 29th wedding anniversary. I don’t feel too down about it. It’s just noted in my head and heart today. I had a fleeting thought to wear my wedding ring today. But, my finger is bare.

(((Grace)))

For what it’s worth, good for you to go ring-less.

It’s ok to feel not much towards the anniversary. You are wise enough to realize your own indifference and that muted feelings are a good and healing thing.

Very good on stepping back as well. It was interesting to read how H isn’t quite ready to receive. And yeah, pull back, else wise it would be counterproductive.

Remain patient. Time will bring those answers.

DnJ


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Originally Posted by Grace21

Today is my 29th wedding anniversary. I don’t feel too down about it. It’s just noted in my head and heart today. I had a fleeting thought to wear my wedding ring today. But, my finger is bare.



I hear you, my dear. Detachment seems to be helping you walk this journey. And you kept your vows in everything you do, even in the boundaries you set, a way to respect those vows.

Regarding rings -- I have my grandmother's wedding ring and I just couldn't bring myself to ever take it off since her marriage was so beautiful and she was so important to me, always promising that that ring would go to me. She didn't want me to marry H. I wonder what she saw. She hated outsiders so I thought it was just that but now I wonder. Anyway, I couldn't ever take it off but I moved it to the other hand, like a widow. I have this other ring I have written about before, which I feel that God gave me -- I found it after reading a testimony on Rejoice about a woman who prayed for a ring to replace hers and suddenly one day in church a woman came over and said, "I don't know why, but I feel that God told me to give you this ring." I was blown away by that story, early in my stand, because I had taken off my engagement ring in anger when H changed and then I lost it or it was stolen. When I told him about it some months later, he went crazy and that was BD time. So after I read that story, I wished that God would give me a ring to replace it, and two days later I found a tiny delicate gold ring with tiny diamonds in it on the street. I was going to sell it because I needed money but I put it on my finger so I wouldn't lose it and after a couple days I looked down and realized that God had just given me my ring! Anyway, that ring I put on my wedding band finger. I have tried several times to take it off to see how I felt with that finger bare and I couldn't do it. I thought of adjusting the ring so it would fit another finger, and I keep coming back to the fact that God gave me that one and it fits that finger and I had better wear it until I am sure I am not supposed to. I do not think H is meant to return but I am not sure I am not supposed to see God as my spouse for a long while, if always, so that's what I will wait to know.

My 20th anniv is on May 20th -- and I have a court conference that day. I am hoping God rounds the whole 20 years out by making everyone see that my settlement idea is our best option.

I meant to just write to you about you but ended up talking about me. But I am thinking about you, my friend! We are both bike riders just looking out at very different views. But the skies in my city are amazingly beautiful and clear now that there is no one driving.

Love to you, Gracie!

Last edited by Gerda; 05/06/20 08:27 PM.

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Be stouthearted, and wait for the Lord.
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Gerda -

Thank you for sharing your ring story. It just once again reminds me how God is always watching, and provides just when we need it that most. If we are observant, we can see how He does this in our daily lives.

Grace


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