It will kill me if she goes out and is home late. She says she won't go to the bar. She has been a bartender one night a week for 15 years and she said she is quitting (bars are closed for many more months with the pandemic). Those are important to me.
Yes, married 5 years this upcoming September. Affairs for the last 2+ years.
She just came and talked to me and claims she didn't want to hurt me and that she is in love with me and can't lose me. I'm just remaining silent for now other than telling her to come clean on every dirty little secret. She's begging me to go to MC tonight with her. I think I will.
I would tell her you really need some time to think about things. Not sure of your ages as you don’t have a signature but things will surely get tough down the road again at some point. This may just be a stay of execution.
Sorry you are back in this way. First. Make sure you stick around here! No matter the feeling/trust with your WW you are still in a marathon. Actually the race has JUST started. You know the quality of the feedback/input on these boards!
Second, I would probably not go to MC with her. (Depends on what you've said in the recent few hours.) Tell her you need to think and really consider how you feel like LH said. If you do go, be sure to listen to WHAT and HOW she says, and be very restictive of what you say. Read the validation and boundary cheat sheets!
Last edited by Mumin; 06/02/2011:59 AM.
Me: 34 Stbxw: 30 D:5 D:3 Mini bd: May/June 2019 Married: Aug 2019 BD: 6th Dec 2019 OM Confirmed: Feb 2020 March 2020: I filed for D Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
kt, so you found out that there was an affair BEFORE the affair you already knew about. And what did that change? I am not seeing why this is so earth-shattering. Why this changed anything from the moment before you knew until the moment after you knew?
Have you ever seen the movie Chasing Amy? It has been many many years. But Ben Affleck is completely happy in his relationship with Amy (Joey Lauren Adams), until one day he finds out that many years earlier, before they even knew each other, she had a 3 way with two guys. Suddenly Ben Affleck's character is consumed with jealousy and obsession over this and it ruins their relationship. Not because she did anything recently but because he couldn't get past something he didn't know that had no bearing on their present.
We all have skeletons in our closet. I know of two EAs my W has engaged in (and the beginnings of a third last summer that I caught early). But quite honestly their may be others I never knew about. There are things I've done that she doesn't know about (I admitted to EAs here a while back, that she doesn't know about). I am sure there are things you've done before and even while you've known your W, that she doesn't know about. Whether she had 1 affair or 10, the questions isn't what she did before, it is what is she doing now?
You mention transparency. Transparency is about being open about what she is doing, where she is going, who she is doing it with and going with, NOW. What you apparently want is full disclosure. Full disclosure in marital recovery and reconciliation is a controversial subject. There are those that say full disclosure is important and must be part of the healing process. Others say that full disclosure is a fool's game that leads to more raw wounds. I've never really come down on a side but I will say full disclosure after a spouse's wayward period is probably not something that helps with reconciliation. Just my opinion. I've read in various books about spouses that wanted to know graphic detail about every encounter their cheating spouse had with their AP. How often, where, even what kind of sex they engaged in. I see no value in any of that.
kt, Mr. B gave you some great advice. There are no shortcuts in DBing. If you don't put in the work and require her to put in the work then you are doomed to repeat your situation until you do. However, I again ask you: what is different now than before you read the message on her phone about "Tal"? What did it really change?
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
On MC, I think you should go. I think that might be a way to work through this knew knowledge of her affair with "Tal". Now that you do know you need to deal with it.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Steve, I agree with you what I just learned was before the original affair so what's really different? And yes, transparency is very different than full disclosure. I guess I just wished she came clean with everything because now I will always wonder what else she is hiding. Although, I was already wondering that and that's why I went through her phone (she gave me her passwords).
I just ordered Healing from Infidelity. In addition, I will go to MC tonight and only to make a few points but then to listen. I feel like she needs to come clean with all or any affairs. Her best friend, who herself was cheated on which led to a divorce, has supported me throughout. She said, the past is the past. Anything prior to her coming home is considered my first marriage. After my W coming home is our second. Move forward but don't forget. She believes I'm entitled to truth but also not to throw away the progress we made since she's come back. I'm going to try to stick to that. Honestly, this affair, the first one I just learned of, hurt less than the original one. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad but at least it's easier.
Lastly, I'm here for awhile. I did leave the board because I was naive and thought I didn't need it anymore. I've now learned I need it more than ever. Things have been good but not great. My W has stated she wants to move on and not talk about the A outside of MC and IC. Our MC did not agree, telling her this is my timeline and not hers. Second, her insecurities are what led us here and she needs to work hard to address those or history will be repeated. So I will continue to update, read, and participate on this board. I can't thank you all enough. I value all of your opinions, regardless, how different they can be. This is a marathon and I'm just starting to run.
I disagree and it changes a lot. Serial cheater are a entire different ball of wax. Again, not saying you give up but you definitely should take some time to think about it.
Of course she wants to sweep in under the rug because she doesn’t want to do the hard work required.
kt, so you found out that there was an affair BEFORE the affair you already knew about. And what did that change? I am not seeing why this is so earth-shattering. Why this changed anything from the moment before you knew until the moment after you knew?
KTO,
On one hand i think this is a very fair comment.
However, as the bigger picture, lets take a rational look at this - Your wife has cheated on you at least twice - maybe more. You weren't even aware of the first one - so while you thought you had a happy family, she was off having fun.
I know you are an emotional kind of guy, but i think you really need to have a long hard think about the type of person she is. This isnt a 1 off or a lapse in judgement - Your Wife has zero respect for you and doesn't have it in her to set boundaries / be faithfull.. Even if you patch up the current issue, its probably a matter of when and not if she cheats again. Some people are just not meant to be in a long term relationship - they love the idea of it, but eventually they look elsewhere - its nothing personal.. You could be the best husband / father / lover, but they always want something extra..
Re the quiting the bar scene.. If she has done this for 15 years, its because she enjoys it. I can't imagine the money is amazing, so she has done the 1 night a week as she likes it. Its probably her freedom from being a mum, allowing her to socialise - She may be happy to stop initially, but once the covid thing goes away, or the harmony at home takes a step or two back, the resentment will kick in... LH19 put one of the best posts about resentment on here a few days ago - read josephs thread - its in there.. She will resent the fact she cant stay out late, and it will spiral. You won't want to hear this, but you just cant fix some people - as they will never accept they are broken.
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Steve, I agree with you what I just learned was before the original affair so what's really different? And yes, transparency is very different than full disclosure. I guess I just wished she came clean with everything because now I will always wonder what else she is hiding. Although, I was already wondering that and that's why I went through her phone (she gave me her passwords).
I just ordered Healing from Infidelity. In addition, I will go to MC tonight and only to make a few points but then to listen. I feel like she needs to come clean with all or any affairs. Her best friend, who herself was cheated on which led to a divorce, has supported me throughout. She said, the past is the past. Anything prior to her coming home is considered my first marriage. After my W coming home is our second. Move forward but don't forget. She believes I'm entitled to truth but also not to throw away the progress we made since she's come back. I'm going to try to stick to that. Honestly, this affair, the first one I just learned of, hurt less than the original one. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad but at least it's easier.
Lastly, I'm here for awhile. I did leave the board because I was naive and thought I didn't need it anymore. I've now learned I need it more than ever. Things have been good but not great. My W has stated she wants to move on and not talk about the A outside of MC and IC. Our MC did not agree, telling her this is my timeline and not hers. Second, her insecurities are what led us here and she needs to work hard to address those or history will be repeated. So I will continue to update, read, and participate on this board. I can't thank you all enough. I value all of your opinions, regardless, how different they can be. This is a marathon and I'm just starting to run.
kt, one day at time! I would hate to see you give up on the progress you've made over something that happened a while back. Whether she cheated with just OM, or 10, you will know if she has changed and moved on from her wayward ways if her behavior is consistent, over a long period of time. You say you want transparency, and she agreed to share all PWs with you. That's about as transparent as one gets. I would not get caught up on having to have full disclosure related to the past, especially during her wayward period. Again, that is reopening old wounds. We have a saying around here: Onward and upward!
So forget what she has done. Neither you nor she can change that. Focus on today. Focus on what you have in your control. Focus on DBing daily! Make sure you have a life of your own! Make sure you continue to work on you! Make sure you have a good level of detachment (Google "self-differentiation in marriage".
Or you can go the route of Ben Affleck's character in Chasing Amy, and allow what she has already done to consume you. The choice is yours.
Last edited by Steve85; 06/02/2001:58 PM.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
