Sorry, it has been a while. Work has been very busy but also with my W home now (yes, I made that decision), I don't want her to know about this site so I have stayed away since she is working from home and always around.
Things have been going very well. My W continues to sincerely apologize and be transparent. If I am struggling int te moment, and she can tell, she will come over to me and say "sorry, I love you and I was wrong for what I did." She tries to get my mind off the "bad stuff" I have in my head by telling me that she is here to stay and will never hurt me like that. I realize that is a lot of words but she really has been trying.
We continue with MC on Wednesday, she continues with IC right after. She answers my questions when I ask but spares me the details I don't want to know. She lets me look in her phone almost every day, or whenever I ask. The OM actually blicked her on all accounts as well because he is "pissed"
We have spoken about her going back to work as a bartender once the pandemic is over and I told her I fon;t like that. She said she would quit. We spoke briefly about that with the MC and he said we can work on that together since nothing will be opening anytime soon anyways. But she said she would quit.
The hard part will be when everything opens and she wants to go out with her girlfriends. I can't say she can never go out but I asked if we could come up with a plan-not staying out too late, checking in with me, letting me know who she is with, etc. She said that would be fine. Again, we are probably months away from that anyways. She brought up a baby again, I told her it is too soon and she agreed. She asked if we could talk about it again in the summer, I said we could. She keeps saying how much she knows she screwed up and how much she was missing her family. I asked her what her end game was before I knew. She said she always planned on ending it and telling me but was scared. she said she never planned on leaving me. I have some issues with that because it continued. But I did find old emails from her to him and she was very short and seemingly uninterested towards the end of the A (before I knew).
Ultimately, the biggest change in my W, is she sees happy. Genuinely happy. I know it has only been a few weeks since we started figuring things out but she seems like a different person. When we spoke to the MC, she said she feels like a load has been lifted off of her shoulders so she can now focus on me and our family and not feel so guilty every day. Honestly, things are going well. We continue to work on ourselves and our relationship.
My biggest fear is when the pandemic ends and everything opens...who will she be then? But I can't think that far down the road...one day at a time.
I will continue to check back every few days. I can't thank you enough for all of your support and help!
The hard part will be when everything opens and she wants to go out with her girlfriends. I can't say she can never go out but I asked if we could come up with a plan-not staying out too late, checking in with me, letting me know who she is with, etc.
Good! IMHO, she doesn't need to engage in a girls' weekend trip, or an overnight, for a while. She may be doing fine, but if her friends partake in any activities that involved drinking and men.........her resolve may weaken significantly. Currently, she seems agreeable to most everything you mentioned. I think that's good. Just realize that she's going to have low moments where she might resent it.
The chemicals that flood the brain whenever a person is emotionally/physically involved with an affair partner, is extremely addictive. At some point, if she seems depressed or you think she's a little distant, then let me know and I will give you some suggestions. There are things you can do to encourage her through down times.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm back. But unfortunately because of more hurt. Things have been fairly positive with my wife and I. Until I looked through her phone to find out there was an affair before the affair. When my W moved out after I found about her affair, her friend and my W were texting and she asked if I found out about "Tal" which my wife replied, no. I confronted my W and all she said was it was some guy she new. So, I called her friend who told me his name and confirmed it was an affair. She said she thinks it lasted a month or so. Again, I confronted my W and she said it was one time. I don't believe her. Regardless, I needed truth and transparency and she couldn't do that. I'm so lost.
My W said she couldn't hurt me again and that's why she didn't tell me. That she's made changes and loves me and will do anything to keep me. I told her to leave and she won't. She sleeping in the basement right now. I'm dreading tomorrow because I don't know what to do. Most of me says screw her. Part of me says this was part of my old wife and she has made positive changes.
What is your advice? My D3 is so happy to have her family back and it breaks my heart to rip that from her.
I'd like to say i'm suprised to see you back here - But i really am not.. In the past couple of months there are 2 posts that i follow / contribute to where the H has allowed the wife back - Without her doing any work.. You and Curtis.. And true to form the walls come crashing down for both of you.
Originally Posted by kto626
Things have been fairly positive with my wife and I. Until I looked through her phone to find out there was an affair before the affair.
Oh how familar does that sound. I accepted my WW back in August 2018 after her first EA with a co worker. I think i even comment on my very first post here how amazing the 8 weeks were after i let her slither back in...
In my defense, i'd never heard of DBing, knew about this site and just wanted my life back. You have had the creme de la creme of vets trying to assist. This is page 4 - click on page 3 and see what Sandi wrote to you. You ignored her excellent advice, but as expected, restart your thread when the inevitable happened.
Originally Posted by kto626
What is your advice? My D3 is so happy to have her family back and it breaks my heart to rip that from her.
You have had some great advice off people who have seen hundreds of sitchs like yours... litterally hundreds - With virtually none turning it round in a few weeks. You have ignored all their advice because your focus is getting WW back and playing happy familys. I get that, and i suspect most people here get that - You want a happy family for your daughter and thats what a loving parent should want - However your are dealing with a WW here and it wont be all happy families unfortunetly. However until you actually focus on dropping the rope, instead of playing happy families, you will be a doormat and WW will still be WW.
Originally Posted by kto626
Part of me says this was part of my old wife and she has made positive changes.
What changes did she actually make ? I think you need to look at some of Sandi's posts on this - i suspect she told you what you wanted the hear, but deep down she is still bitter / resentful and very much WW, waiting for OM3, 4 or 5 to keep her happy..
Previous username - Helpme123.. A name chosen at a desperate time..
Now Mr Brightside.. coming out of my cage, and doing just fine.
Mr. B nailed it. My guess is you left the board because you were in denial and didn't like hearing specific things. Typically WWs just don't snap out of it. They have to hit rock bottom. Things don't usually turn around as quickly as your did. Is she in IC? Are you in MC?
She is in IC and we are in MC. The affair I just found out about was 3 years ago...before the affair that initially brought me here. I don't think she is WW anymore. She just hasn't been honest. So do I leave the past in the past? She has been a different to person since she came home. Way different. Loving, caring, supportive, apologetic, and remorseful. Up until yesterday when I found about about the affair from 3 years ago, I would've said she has been honest too.
She even contacted all my friends and and family and apologized to them.
We have MC tonight and I don't know what to say??? End it? Or work on it? I don't think she a WW now. She's home and she wants to be here more than I've ever felt it before.
Correct me if I’m wrong you’ve been married like 4 years? Affair right after marriage is not a good sign. I wouldn’t pull the plug yet but let me ask you a question. When the dust settles and the first time she is late coming home. How will that make you feel?
