I’ve been off the board for awhile really focusing on myself and my daughter. I have come a long way in terms of detachment, and I can honestly say that for the first time. My feelings aren’t gone, nor are my wishes that things were different. I just feel stronger and more “ok” in general. I *think* I may be very close to finally securing a remote job. The money isn’t great but there are benefits and the flexibility of working from home which is super appealing to me, especially given the uncertainty of the coming school year (D4 is supposed to be starting kindergarten...) The 2 year mark since H moved out came and went in May. I found a journal entry is written at the time of BD: H had told me that he thought maybe in 2 years he’d be ready to try our marriage again. At the time that sounded like an insanely long time and I remember I actually scoffed at that comment and told him there was no chance I’d be around in 2 years. Here I am. I don’t know what to make of any of that, but it seems noteworthy.
H has been overly friendly and touchy with me over the last few months. Hugging me randomly, rubbing my back, etc. it’s been very weird. I’ve attributed it to the fact that I’ve pulled away and been more warmly detached than I was before. He also asked if he could take D4 to visit my mother and stepfather which is bizarre on multiple levels. My mother and I have been estranged for years and he is well aware of that fact, and the fact that I’m extremely protective of D4 when it comes to my mother. I KNOW that he knows I would never agree to that, not to mention how strange it is that he wants to go up and see MY parents at this point?
Anyway, I just got hit with a bomb. Long story short, H asked me to keep D4 on his night this weekend because he was going out of state to pick up some things his recently deceased father left him. I said yes of course, and as the departure date approached this week, I knew something was off.
He was giving short one word answers about it and obviously avoiding talking about the trip. He’s been gone all weekend and hasn’t checked in or asked to speak to D4 once which is very unusual for him. I don’t even know when he is coming back. I texted him this morning to find out if he’d back in time to see D4 on his usual day this week, and to ask about what his covid exposure is looking like. I feel it’s my right to know what level of exposure risk D4 and I are being put into. Long story short he admitted that he’d gone on the trip with his girlfriend. That was the first time he’s used that word about the women he’s dated while we’ve been separated. I’d already figured he was probably with another woman based on his behavior, so I wasn’t shocked, but that term hurt. Turns out he never made it to the city he was meant to be going to mourn his father. He said he planned to but that “it didn’t work out”. Sickening.
I’d already decided to do my best to stick with my detachment in the face of this. I responded that I already figured that but thanks for finally being honest about at least part of this. Then he basically tried to preemptively stonewall me by saying that we need to talk when he’s back on Tuesday. I asked that he just text me whatever it is he feels we need to talk about it, because it’s more productive for me to process on my own before we try to talk. He refused and said “you can handle waiting”. It’s crazy how quickly he almost gets punitive with me when he knows he’s being a sh**, as I’d it’s me that’s done something wrong.
I’m a bit stunned I think, but my suspicions were already there and I already cried a lot about it on Saturday, so I feel a bit numb. What I really want is to be so well emotionally and mentally prepared for this talk that we apparently need to have that I will be able to appear as unbothered as possible. For my own empowerment, I want to handle this in the exact opposite way than what he’s likely expecting, so he has only his own feelings to sit with. I want to react with the closest I can get to loving(ish) detachment as possible. The nice thing is that it won’t have to be completely faked, though it will definitely take some fake it til I make it. I will try to make sure I’m as calm and centered as I can be beforehand. I’m thinking my best bet to control my emotions during this talk will be to not say anything. I’ll actively listen, then tell him I need to think about what he’s saying and say goodnight. How does that sound? This moment feels really really important to me. I want to feel empowered and strong. And I do not want H thinking for a second that this hurts me as much as it does. I want to pull off this particular scenarios version of “you want to go? I’ll pack your bags”. I disliked at that early on and for a long time and I regret that. I’d like to see if I can cultivate that for myself now, and show us both that I’m no longer who he thinks I am.
As always, I’m grateful to have this place to come and vent this out, and I welcome any and all thoughts, advice, comments, etc.
I am sorry for all that you are going through but I am glad that despite it you feel that you are "OK". I haven't been on the boards much lately either. I am not sure why. Maybe I just didn't have anything to write. But strangely, I came back here two days ago and your update is pretty much a mirror of my update.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
I’d already decided to do my best to stick with my detachment in the face of this.
Good. It takes strength, but honestly, the alternative is begging or screaming.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
I responded that I already figured that but thanks for finally being honest about at least part of this. Then he basically tried to preemptively stonewall me by saying that we need to talk when he’s back on Tuesday. I asked that he just text me whatever it is he feels we need to talk about it, because it’s more productive for me to process on my own before we try to talk. He refused and said “you can handle waiting”. It’s crazy how quickly he almost gets punitive with me when he knows he’s being a sh**, as I’d it’s me that’s done something wrong.
When you said "I already figured that" what were your intentions? I only ask because it sounds a little passive aggressive. Like an accusation "I knew you were lying all along.". It doesn't matter really - it is just an observation.
I am not sure why he is so insistent on talking about it face to face. Do you think it because he wants to discuss the implications on your daughter? If he is anything like my H, it would be better to have this meeting in public as you say, when he is challenged, he becomes punitive. Go into the session knowing what him seeing someone means for you and your daughter. Stand your ground and if he gets angry then just say I won't be spoken to this way. We can discuss again when you are calmer.
Originally Posted by HopeCA
I’m a bit stunned I think, but my suspicions were already there and I already cried a lot about it on Saturday, so I feel a bit numb.
No matter how much we suspect (and I suspected a lot) the realisation that our suspicions are true still hits us. I cried when he told me a week ago, and I have been crying on and off ever since. If you read my update though, I am not crying because he is seeing someone else (the intense grief I would have felt two years ago) but quieter. The kind of crying you might do at a funeral for someone you once loved - no remorse/regret, just a goodbye. So, I guess, I am saying, this is natural. Allow yourself to grieve.
Hope, I can only tell you what I keep telling myself. You have had two years to become comfortable with being on your own. To work on rebuilding your life. This doesn't change any of that. On the contrary, it removes some of the uncertainty you've been feeling and it will allow you to let go. And this pain you feel, this sadness, it will pass. Don't focus on him. Focus on you. What does this 'truth' mean for you?. How can you use it to help you heal?.
Right now that devil that tells me I will be alone where he is not whispers constantly in my ear. It is up to me and me only to push that voice away.
I know. I saw your update and my stomach dropped because at that point I knew my suspicions about this trip were right and I was taken aback by the similarity of your update. I’m sorry that you find yourself here too. You sound strong!
The main difference I see in our two sitches is the current state of the relationship between us and our Hs. I think mine tends to mirror me to an extent, and then to lean in and be extra warm and extra friendly and close seeming when he feels me pull away, or when he is feeling guilty. It’s been very confusing for me this entire time, but we know what they say around here about what it means (or rather does not mean) if the LBS feels confused...
Originally Posted by FlySolo
Originally Posted by HopeCA
I responded that I already figured that but thanks for finally being honest about at least part of this. Then he basically tried to preemptively stonewall me by saying that we need to talk when he’s back on Tuesday. I asked that he just text me whatever it is he feels we need to talk about it, because it’s more productive for me to process on my own before we try to talk. He refused and said “you can handle waiting”. It’s crazy how quickly he almost gets punitive with me when he knows he’s being a sh**, as I’d it’s me that’s done something wrong.
When you said "I already figured that" what were your intentions? I only ask because it sounds a little passive aggressive. Like an accusation "I knew you were lying all along.". It doesn't matter really - it is just an observation
Yes, when I said this it was to say I already knew that. My intention (while not pure of heart) wasn’t so much to point out that he was obviously lying, but to make it clear that he isn’t laying on some big reveal to me that he seems to think he is. I don’t have a good reason for it, but it felt good.
I got a bit more out of him, he wants to talk to me in person about how this relates to D4. We’ve had conversations in the past about how we would approach introducing hypothetical significant others. I have very strong feelings about this and the way it should be handled. He thinks waiting 6 months to see if the relationship gets serious is enough time. (I actually don’t agree and think it’s in the best interest of children to wait a year, because it’s often the turning point of relationships). He texted to tell me that he likes the person he’s seeing and that he’d like this to be the start of the 6 month waiting period.
I’m conflicted here and I need some advice; I’m inclined to want to fight this and push for longer because that is truly what I believe is right. H and I both grew up with single parents and were dragged through the many relationships of our parents along the way. I refuse to let that happen to my daughter. On the other hand, I’m also inclined to just f***ing let go and say “ok, you’ve got it, consider this notification of the waiting period starting. Have a great day”
It’s tough because this is one of of my major values around parenting that I feel extremely strongly about. Maybe to the point that I’m being irrational about it? I honestly don’t know. That combined with the fact that I really do want to let go, let him go and not stand in his way even a tiny bit, makes this a tough choice for me. Thoughts?
How old are your kids? Sorry - I know you mentioned them earlier on but I’ve forgotten.
I thought the same when my H told me. He actually said “I’m seeing someone and I want to tell the girls about her. Not introduce them, but just let them know so they get use to the idea”. We didn’t discuss timelines or anything like that, he didn’t give me a chance tbh. When I thought about it I decided why fight the tides. At least yours had enough respect to give you the six months notice - not just sneak around and continue lying and then tell you out of the blue.
Hope - there is a difference between wanting someone to be a part of your family life and parading a random string of women through your children’s lives. If your H is willing to wait six months (and he respected you enough to let you know) then that is something. I know it’s tough. I know you still hold out hope of a reconciliation but the best thing to do is sit back and let it play out. . I grew up in Australia and if there’s one thing we learn it’s when caught in riptide, don’t fight it. Ahern you come up for air, you will be a long way from where you started, but you will be ok. continue the path you were on. This changes nothing. It only makes it more transparent.
I don’t know how long my H has been seeing this woman but I trust that he wouldn’t have come to the decision lightly. I have no doubt that there has been a string of women since we broke up. I have no doubt that he lied and lied and lied. But I know he loves his kids. Ask yourself would your H do something to hurt his kids?
Hope ~ Sorry to hear about the latest development.
You can't control what he decides to do, like others have pointed out.
It sounds like you are seeing this in black-or-white. Either you get your way (12 months), or he gets his way (6 months). Perhaps you can say:
"I strongly believe 12 months is more appropriate for reasons XYZ. I also understand you think 6 months is adequate. I respect we have differences, and respect that you are considering D4's emotional well-being in making your decision."
Then you've asserted your opinion, you've released control, and you've nodded to the fact your H is considering D4 (rather than parading women within the 1st week as many people do).
In my situation, I believe my kids are being introduced to a BF without any discussion with me. Some people have it even worse than that.
Everything we learn in DB applies to co-parenting as well.
- left me to be with OW - introduced her to S2 - brings her to my house for child handovers - moved her into his house - has her involved with every visitation
As U mentioned - it could be much worse. Your H is showing you some respect (even though he is being insensitive).
I think you can stick to canned responses if you feel your emotions might get out of control.
- I am not comfortable with that - I respectfully disagree with you - I understand your point of view but I don't feel the same way - My only concern is D4's emotional wellbeing
At the end of the day, all you can do is make your point and the let the chips fall. You have no ethical, moral or legal recourse to prevent him from introducing his GF to your daughter.
Avoid anything that implies his relationship isn't serious, that you don't trust his judgement, or that he doesn't have D4's best interests at heart.
This is, by far, the worst part of our situations, but unfortunately it's just another lesson in letting go of control.
U and Scout, I completely 100 percent realize that a lot of people here have had a lot worse in terms of their WAS introducing other people to their children. I really do, and every time I read one of those situations, a little bit of me breaks. That would break me. I have so much old trauma from going through that as a child that the idea of it makes me completely sick. May22 has echoed my feelings on it. Just the thought of another woman feeling or being important in the life of my daughter fills me with RAGE. I’m just being honest. It is truly my worst possible nightmare. So yes, I’m grateful that at least H agrees to that on paper, but he’s proven himself to be a habitual liar so I will have to white knuckle it. He has now told me that he just met this person and feels a very powerful connection and would like to be able to build a future with her and is now in a rush to finalize our custody agreement become of it. It makes me completely sick. I do hope that it starts strong and fizzles out, if for no other reason than so my daughter doesn’t ever meet her . I’ll tell him I’ll consider this his six month notice and be done with it. I already told him I see no reason for an in person talk and that I’ll pass on that.
I’m extremely hurt and I’m very sad, but mostly I’m furious. He lied to me over and over and over. And while he acknowledges that, he has yet to apologize for it or express any remorse. It’s infuriating. It’s also one of my major trigger points (the lack of acknowledgment or apology for wrong doing) so I’m focused on dealing with that on my own so as to empower myself by not losing my cool.
It’s also fu**ing infuriating that in the last few weeks, presumable since he started this relationship, he has been more touchy and affectionate with me than he has in a long time. What the F***k is that? It’s all so twisted. All my natural inclinations are to fight against this. But thank you FS for your words. They resonate with me. I will not fight against this. I will sit back and let what will be, be.
I’m considering a scorched earth thing here. Not mean or cold, but setting firmer boundaries (asking for my house key back, asking him to no longer contact and visit my parents at this point, maybe reminding him that we aren’t friends, things like that). But I so worry that doesn’t flow with my continued faking til I make it of detachment. Thoughts?
I’m considering a scorched earth thing here. Not mean or cold, but setting firmer boundaries (asking for my house key back, asking him to no longer contact and visit my parents at this point, maybe reminding him that we aren’t friends, things like that). But I so worry that doesn’t flow with my continued faking til I make it of detachment. Thoughts?
Asking for house key back - 100%. Has your divorce been finalised yet?
Asking him not to contact parents - don't bother, he'll do it regardless of your request if he wants.
Reminding him you aren't friends - don't bother, actions speak louder than words.
I'm trying to understand what you mean about the above actions not jiving with your air of detachment. Are you afraid he'll see the implementation of these boundaries as a reaction to his news? Isn't the point of detachment to live your life and not care what he thinks? You've got to climb out of the swirling emotional vortex of "will he? won't he? I did this and then he did that" and free yourself.
Hope, here's a 2x4 and it's meant with love - it really seems your H has moved on. It's been two years. This isn't an OW or an affair, it's just his new partner. It's horrible to accept, I know, whether you're still harbouring thoughts of reconciliation or not. It's not what you envisioned for yourself or your daughter. None of us ever got married or started a family thinking that this might happen. It's awful! But your healing can't start without acceptance.
Your H still has such a hold on your emotions after two years. He makes you feel extremely hurt, very sad, f**king infuriated. He's acting true to character - by your own admission, he's a habitual liar. Yet you continuously expect him to do the right thing, tell the truth, act honourably, and then you spin out of control emotionally when he doesn't. When someone shows you who they are, believe them!
I have seen you write so many times about your H acting warmly towards you and touching you when he comes around. You always say you don't react to it or put any stock in it, but isn't it weird? It seems like you're looking for reassurance that this means something. The excitement and hope in these words springs off the screen. I empathise with this feeling so much, but please don't let it blind you to what is actually happening.
Another 2x4 with sincere best intentions - when a man is in love with a woman, he will move heaven and earth to be with her. You're seeing it in your H's behaviour towards this new woman, right? Who knows if it will fizzle out, but you can't bank on it. If you expect the worst, you can't be disappointed. We didn't cause our husbands to cheat and leave us. If we were that powerful, we'd be able to make them come back. And the truth is - we can't.
You don't want to be someone's second, third, fourth or fifth choice. You don't want to be stuck here in another two years. Free yourself.
