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Hi Hope,

Yes, it is true that you have to completely let go for a multitude of reasons.

1. It allows you to place the focus on yourself, which means you are using your time wisely. If/when your H comes out the other side, you will be that far ahead and better prepared to support him. Or will you be better prepared for a new relationship in the future.

2. Having '0' expectations, removes you from the emotional roller coaster. You can stand outside the roller coaster as an observer or walk around the amusement park taking in more pleasant sights and smells. That's why detachment is so important.

3. It allows your H to move through the process without you interrupting it.

4. All the above, will relieve some of the anxiety.


Me:45 ExW:48
M:04/97
3 Bombs & 2 ReCons
1st BD 11/10
D Finalized 4/20
D-16 S-14
Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
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Here's a thought, Hope... I feel like detachment is letting go of all expectations-- meaning, not just for reconciliation but for D. I don't necessarily think that in order to let go of your belief that this will end in R you have to hammer yourself over the head until you believe that you'll never get back together.

To me, the key is really understanding/accepting where you are RIGHT NOW, in the moment, which is-- as difficult and heartbreaking as it is to accept-- that your M as it was is no longer. That your H is simply not, at this moment, the H that you deserve. And regardless of what happens in the future, your primary responsibility in this incredibly difficult and confusing time is to be there for yourself and for your D4. If it is painful and upsetting to interact with him and get drawn into his circus... don't. Let the feelings flow over you and then out the door. And redirect all that amazing energy you have back into yourself and your D rather than wasting any on him.

You can count me in as one of the readers on this board who has thought and still thinks there is a chance for you two. But, right now... none of that matters. Whether it is meant to be or not between you two is not something you can control or need to worry about. For me, focusing on what I could control-- myself-- and letting go of what I can't-- his actions and thoughts-- has really helped me, though it is always a work in progress. In fact, typing this out to you reminds me that even though I'm frustrated by his unwillingness/unreadiness to talk about the A... his timeline is his and not for me to dictate. I can only control my own and if it ends up that his timeline stretches out beyond what is OK for me... then that is another decision I'll need to make, at that time. Understanding what it is that YOU need and supporting those parts of you, whether we call it GALing or whatever-- is the most important thing right now.

Another thing that helped (and continues to help) me is that letting go of everything when I'm with the kids. I had so much fear about S and D and what that would do to them, and I can relate so much to all that you are saying about being with your children. But I was carrying that fear with me when I was with them and it was was interfering with me just enjoying them. I worked on that quite a bit, to be really present with them, and I also think that helped me in the overall process of detaching from my fears and expectations around the relationship with my H.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Thank you so much May. Reading this felt like a comforting hug that I really needed.

Your point about expectations is a REALLY good one, and I somehow had not thought of it that way. It’s not just about letting go of expectations of R. It’s also letting go of my thoughts and expectations of life after D. You nailed it; I have been forcing myself to envision life as a divorced single mom, in an attempt to temper my hopes and to be realistic. But that isn’t serving me either.

And I too have caught myself worrying about being away from D4 while I’m with her. Then I get myself into a guilt/fear spiral and I’m not as present as I could be. Luckily I do catch myself doing it, but it’s comforting to have it mirrored back to me.

I so appreciate your post, it’s given me a lot to think about and it feels really helpful. Thank you.

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Hope ~ Those times away from the kids are so hard for me too. I fear the worst. I feel guilty and at fault for putting them through D. But... I choose to believe that whether their parents are M'd or D'd is waaaaaay less important than showing them I love them and trying to be a great dad for them, imperfections and all. Your love for D4 will always be there no matter what your marital status is. The quality of your time with her is way more important than the quantity.

I think everything you describe -- difficulty being present, the fear and guilt -- it's all normal and natural given what you are going through. Hang in there.

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Hi Hope,

One other thought for you... letting go of all expectations is important, and releasing your belief that you'll get back together doesn't mean that you have to believe you won't. For me, though, it was also helpful to explore and research what *might* be so that I wasn't so afraid. Reading my divorce book, studying the finances, learning the law all helped me to be less scared about what life might be like as a divorced single mom. It kind of evens the playing field so as you look to the future and you see these various paths, you aren't looking at it like "reconciliation = good, divorce = bad and scary" but more like both paths have positives and negatives and you simply are letting go of your expectations about which direction you're headed. I'm not sure if that makes sense... but I guess I'm just saying that whatever you can do to also release the fear around the D path might also help with releasing expectations more generally about what may or may not happen in the future.

Hang in there. xx M


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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I second may's advice wholeheartedly!

It was one of the best things I did for my emotional well-being.

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Wow this advice from May, FANTASTIC!
You out it so simple but yet so strong! Should be mandatory for all newcomers.

Also wanted to second the thought on "exploring" your options.
IT really helped me to understand more about the D process and to scan the market for other living arrangements. I could bare the thought of not living in the house until I found something else that would actually be great for me and the girls.


Me: 34
Stbxw: 30
D:5 D:3
Mini bd: May/June 2019
Married: Aug 2019
BD: 6th Dec 2019
OM Confirmed: Feb 2020
March 2020: I filed for D
Waiting for D to be finalized and W to move out end of January 2021
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Thanks all. I am definitely a person who soothes my anxiery with information, and I do feel like I’ve done the work in that regard. We do have a divorce that’s been filed and has moved very slowly along. In having to do my part of the paperwork I’ve read up on what I can and can’t expect and I’m aware of what my financial future looks like roughly. I was a stay at home mom for a few years before he left, and I’ve been trying to get myself financially independent since then (having been out of the workforce has proved a bigger hurdle than expected). We also live in arguably the most expensive area in the country, and I/ we are poor by the cost and standard of living here. It’s daunting, but I’m committed to getting myself into a stable position. I have yet to see any positives about being a single mom, but I remain open to hoping that could change.

Last night was upsetting and frustrating to say the least. When H came to pick up D4, she got really upset, she was crying hysterically and begging him to stay and play with her here. It was a really tough moment and it broke my heart. H has always struggled in the face of other emotions, especially those of the people he cares about. He was not handling it well, just kind of flip flopping and just crumbling under the pressure of the moment. Ultimately he asked me if it was on if they stayed and played here. This is the second time this has happened recently.

I felt it put me in a really $hitty position. I wanted to comfort and reassure daughter. I want to do what is best for her. I also do not feel it should fall to me to hold the line on this. H is the ultimately the one who has chosen this, and who doesn’t want us to all be together. It’s his choices that are hurting our daughter. I will of course always support and reassure my daughter through that. But I don’t want to do the hard emotional work for him.

After she was asleep he brought it up and asked what I thought about it. I gently told him the above, and that I felt he needs to figure out a way to have a plan to navigate those situations. He brought up the book he’d asked me to read,
and referenced something from it. Basically quoting the book, he said he thinks I haven’t let go so I must be making it harder for D4.
I really resent this. Its off base and so insulting as a parent. I put in a huge amount of energy to separate my feelings about al of this from D4s. I never mislead her or give her false hope or anything even close. I validate her feelings of sadness around wanting her family together.

It’s also extremely frustrating and disheartening to know that despite my efforts H can sense that I haven’t let go. It is absolutely all the more motivation to to do everything I can to let go. It felt awful to hear that from him. It felt arrogant on his part, as well as unnecessary to bring up. I guess I thought I was doing a better job at least at
faking it. UUUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHH.

Its discouraging and motivating at the same time.

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Hope ~ What a crock.

Your H crumbling emotionally in front of D4, staying at your house, and playing with her is sending her the wrong message. It is incredibly confusing to a child.

He is going to keep finding evidence to blame you for things. He literally can't handle the transition, and then turns around and blames you for the difficulty.

I wonder if changing up your transitions might help D4. Could you drop her off at your H's residence instead?

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Hope, i second U on this (and also what you've outlined yourself in your post)-- this entire situation is on him, his choice, he can't handle it and is blaming you, in a really gross way too. I'd be like, REALLY....??? (imbue that word with all the sarcasm possible). (And would be thinking, F you.)

So. Here's a thing I thought about as a good thing about being single again-- I think some of us were talking about it several months ago here-- once you get past your H, you get to fall in love again. All that gooey limerent nonsense my H was going on about for his AP... I would get to have that again with someone new. I also daydreamed about that made up new guy, perfect in every way... I mean I knew in my logical self that this was a fantasy, but in a fantasy everything gets to be exactly how you want it, right? And I focused on all the annoying traits of my H and all the things I would be able to do differently once he MO. And TBH I did have to have a bit of mourning for those changes I'd imagined when he decided not to MO after all. (Some of the house stuff we're still going to do. But the idea of everything being 100% up to ME and not having to compromise on anything felt pretty attractive.)

Finally-- read Yail's thread and especially her last few posts. She is loving life being single and such an inspiring example. I'm sure there are some things that you can point out about the value of not having to live with your H right now? I totally get the part about D4 and all the difficulties around single parenting, both for her and for you, and I'm not trying to minimize that at all. But it is what it is right now, and if you can look for the silver lining in the situation I think that can only be helpful.

Hang in there. Sorry your H is being a d*ck. ((HOPE))


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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