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#2891914 04/10/20 04:58 AM
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Old thread: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879070&page=1

Just opening up my new thread. Not a lot to report. I sent H the text as advised (thank you Scout!) and a few hours later got “ok thank you” in response.

Since then H is being overly nice, trying to connect with me, complimenting my hair, etc. It’s much easier for me to remain cordially distant at this point. Largely because I’m angry and disappointed with him over the way he’s interacted with me and treated me in regard to the coparenting conflict we dealt with. I’m barely responding to him and his attempts at connection with me, unless it’s directly about D4.

In all honesty, there is still a part of me saying “wait! He’s trying to connect with you! Don’t be discouraging!” But I’m ignoring her. And reminding her that listening to her in the past hasn’t gotten me anywhere good. And telling her to remember his recent poor treatment of me. That helps.

It’s somewhat frustrating and annoying that he tries so hard to connect with me now that I’m consistently pulling away from him, considering the obvious fact that he is getting what he says he wants. But you were right Scout, taking control of the narrative a bit by turning down his paltry offer of a “talk” was empowering.

I have lots to keep me busy during this very lonely and isolating time. Lots of time with my daughter, a very rigorous and time consuming job search, etc.

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You are changing the dynamic. Every time you pull away your H seems to be overly nice.

What you are doing reminds me of MWD in the book when she talks about experiments. You are trying out something different, keeping your distance whereas you used to jump at the chance to reconnect. See how it goes. It's a little test. Maybe that will help make it easier to stick to it.

It seems like your H is trying to smooth things over because he sees you are ticked off. This has happened a couple times in your situation -- you pull away, he gets nicey-nicey. It's possible I am wrong, mind-reading is a no-no. I definitely think it would be a mistake to read his compliments as an effort to connect. More likely he is having difficulty adapting to your changes.

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I’m glad you felt empowered by taking action. I also agree with U’s take on the situation. You did really well!

Detachment is a process and there will be times when your equilibrium will be rocked, but it gets easier to steady yourself with practice. I just posted in my thread on the MLC board about S2 coming home from his Easter visit talking about OW and even telling me she changed his nappy. Now, I don’t like this at all. It’s unpleasant and uncomfortable to hear, think, and talk about. For me, dealing with emotional upset looks something like this...

Number one, I remind myself that these feelings are normal and okay. I am not weak or backsliding in my recovery by having a natural reaction to something that is objectively upsetting. It also tells me that my expectations of XH behaving with respect or honour were too high, ie. above zero, and I need to keep that in check.

Number two, I talk in person or over the phone with some trusted family or friends to validate my feelings FIRST before seeking a positive perspective on the situation. I don’t want to hear “Well, at least xyz didn’t happen” or “You’ll just have to accept it” unless they’ve already told me “Wow, that really [censored]” or “I’m sorry that happened”. The right people will know how to respond with empathy.

Number three, I type it out in my DB thread to ensure I have a record of what happened and how I felt. If anyone weighs in with their opinion, that’s a bonus. Getting these thoughts and feelings down on paper helps release more emotional tension. In the same way you feel better after throwing up, you also feel better after a good word vomit.

Number four, it’s time to GAL and let things percolate in the background, even if GAL is simply going to bed early. Focus on self care and all the good things about being single. Remind yourself that nobody can ever usurp your role as mother. Thank whatever deity that you are not quarantined with your H and exposed to his mood swings right now!

I get you. It’s lonely and hard. But you are not alone smile


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Thanks to you both!!

U—I agree, my consistency is changing the dynamic. Regardless of what that means ultimately, it feels good to not be so stuck in place. You’re right, this change has taken place a couple of times, but in the past I’ve gotten sucked back in to his nicey nice stuff. This time I’m doing my best to resist that. I won’t lie, it can be painful and I usually cry afterwards. But I’m strong in his presence.

Scout—-firstly I want to say that what you are describing with your son and OW makes my blood boil and I really empathize. That must feel terrible. I’m SUPER impressed with how you seem to be handling it, and accepting that it is out of your control (which in and of itself just seems impossibly wrong, yet still true).
As far as I know there is not OW in my sitch right now, and if D4 was a part of anything like that I would most certainly know about it from her.
But that inevitable aspect of divorce/coparenting in general is one of the worst parts to imagine for me. What you’re saying is a reminder for me to be grateful I’m not having to deal with that this far, and grateful for more time to try to come to terms with that very real possibility for the future.


I want to admit here that I think I had a minor setback in my current approach. On Friday H texted to ask what my plan for Easter was. (D4 was scheduled to spend yesterday and last night with him, and to be dropped off this morning [easter]). I replied “ I’m planning on an egg hunt at home and a basket from the Easter Bunny”. This is where I backslid and also asked “why do you ask?” (I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT!!! I should have answered his question and left it at that.)
He replied: It crossed my mind to ask if you wanted to all do something together but didn’t know if it was a good idea or not. Just putting out feelers. The meadow near here would be fun to hunt eggs but I dont want to encroach on your plans.

I didn’t respond because I had all kinds of feelings about it and didn’t want to react too quickly. I shouldn’t have responded at all. The next day I said “I don’t want to change my plans. If you want to be here for what I already have planned you can”. And he replied that he’d “give it some thought”. AAAAAAXXXXKKKKKKGGGGCCHHHHH!!!! It was his suggestion to do something all together and now he has to give it some thought?! Nonsensical.

I’m Pretty sure he was testing the waters, I let him know they were still tepidly warm (as opposed to icy) and he recoiled.

I realized and regretted that slip right away and just said “ok just let me know before you drop off D4 tomorrow”. He of course decided not to stay. He dropped off D4 this morning. They had made a little Easter basket with candy for me. I just focused on her excitement about the egg hunt I’d set up and waved him off.

ANNOYING. But I recovered quickly and I’m back on that horse. I didn’t want to hide that from my mentors smile

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Tell yourself you don’t care next time. Acknowledge that you do, but act is if you don’t. Trick your brain. You don’t care why he is asking you a particular question. You don’t care if he wants to join you in a particular activity. You don’t care whether he feels left out, lonely, lacklustre, lascivious, or any other kind of way! You are so fabulous that he doesn’t even register in your mind while you’re making your plans with your daughter.

Don’t stress too much. It’ll take time to rewire your brain. Right now, you still care about him and you care what he thinks about you. It’s impossible for human beings with secure attachments, like you, to instantly turn off that feeling. Don’t feel bad about it. It’s a sign that you are whole and healthy. However, as a result, it will take a lot of effort to dismantle the bond you have with H. It has to be a deliberate and systematic process. A series of choices. It takes thirty days to form a habit, right? Or something like that. Imagine how much more confident, empowered, and peaceful you could feel in just thirty days!


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Thank you Scout. I just keep coming back to re read this.


I’m struggling with a lot of sadness and grief and loneliness this week. I’m also struggling with the fact that I’m having so much trouble just letting go. It bothers me that it is this difficult for me. I’m trying to be nice to myself about it, but it does bother me.
I read a bunch of the book he was so eager for me to read, I decided that wasn’t a hill to die on for me. It was just divorce with kids 101. No real new info for me at all. Whatever, I think he wanted to feel empowered and like he wasn’t following my lead in regards to coparenting. If that helped him feel that way, no skin off my back.

Hs behavior is giving me emotional whiplash. He keeps saying things like “ I’m so sorry for these hard times”. Just a non apology, no actual ownership or accountability whatsoever. Who even knows what that means, and furthermore why bother? If you want to apologize authentically for something then do it. If not, just don’t. All the more reason I look forward to feeling much more detached.

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Hi Hope,

Just want to send some positive vibes your way and let you know I'm thinking about you. The "I'm sorry for these hard times" is infuriating, isn't it? It is such BS... like he wants some sort of reward for acknowledging this fact without actually taking any responsibility, or somehow can absolve himself by simply saying he feels badly things are "hard."

I know you are having a rough time and I totally get it. I did want to say, though, that I've been following you for awhile and it really seems like you have come a long ways. I feel like one step towards detaching is realizing you could be detached in a particular scenario, while still feeling the emotions it brings up. You are doing great.

And yay for him to actually be reading parenting books! (sarcastic emoji... plus actually it is nice that he is taking an interest here, I know all WHs don't). I think your attitude here is great too. Recognizing it is good he's wanting to be an involved parent and it is beneficial for him to feel empowered here rather than just following your lead. I like that you recognize all that and are like great, whatever.

You are really strong. You got this. Four is such a fun age. Focus on her.


Me (46) H (42)
M:14 T:18, D9 & D11
4/19 - 12/19: series of escalating BDs
9/20 - present: R and piecing
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Thank you May, for the kind and encouraging words. I have been following your thread from the beginning, I just don’t comment because you are doing so well and your situation has come so far, you def don’t need my advice wink


Four is an adorable and magical age. I am grateful for how much time I’ve gotten to spend with my daughter, especially lately. Like you, one of the most disturbing parts of divorcing for me is losing time with her. Everyone has different feelings and views on this. My opinion is that it’s just unnatural. A child should live in their home with both their parents. A child and their mother should not be forced to be apart for regular periods of time. That’s my opinion and firm belief in my heart. I hate that this is happening to her, and to me as a mother. It’s easier for some parents than for others and I don’t judge anyone, I’m just not cut out for it.

To be totally honest, I’m struggling a lot at the moment because I just really believed that my situation would end in reconciliation. I truly believed that in my heart, even through some of the hardest times. A lot of people I know thought so. Some people on this board thought so at one point or another. Even H admitted wavering on it at one point. I’m just having a lot of feelings about that, and a really difficult time accepting that I was wrong about that.
Because of that, I’m trying so hard to let go, and it’s proving very difficult for me.

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Hope - As a fellow struggler, having a hard time letting go of the disappointment... I wonder if your best option for both R AND your emotional well being (not in order of priority!) is to completely let go.

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Hi unchien smile

I believe that it is. I’m frustrated with the fact that I am struggling so hard doing it!!!

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