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A Message from Michele
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Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2895142
05/16/20 04:35 PM
05/16/20 04:35 PM
Joined: Apr 2019
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IronWill Offline
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Originally Posted by jstrembr


I have trouble with many things haha, but this one in particular has been hard to deal with. If she made a decision to move on and find happiness, then so be it I suppose. However, here we are seven months later, and we are still married. A few weeks ago when the bill payment thing came up and she broke our 6 week streak of no contact she even told me most of the time she is just sad and/or mad. It's just frustrating, if she wants to move on, then go for it, I'm not stopping her, but she sure seems to just do nothing, and she doesn't really give off the impression she is happy either.


Hey js -

Just popping in with a word of support. This isn't easy - keep focusing on you.

Unfortunately, you have entered the twilight zone. Time means nothing here. Common sense means nothing here. Logic means nothing here. 7 months is nothing. 6 weeks is also nothing. A year ago I was where you are and W was on her way out the door to Dtown. If you had asked me if I would be where I am today, I would have told you you were crazy.

Yet here I am. IHS for 15 months, 20 plus months in.

How did this happen? Well - here's some advice: stop chasing after someone who is running away. It's not a good look.

Choose whether you are standing or not.

If you are, give yourself the best possible chance for saving yourself (note: yourself, not your MR) by DB your [censored] off.

Focus on you. Do nothing. Say nothing - do not initiate conversations at all unless it is an emergency. Get out of the way, remove yourself from the equation as much as you can.

That's what they want. Let them figure things out. That's what you can do to help them, and it will greatly help you to get calm and grounded and figure out what YOU want too.

Stay strong - take care smile

Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: IronWill] #2895144
05/16/20 05:26 PM
05/16/20 05:26 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 77
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jstrembr Offline OP
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jstrembr  Offline OP
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Originally Posted by LH19
J,
Actions not words. 6 weeks NC with you speaks volumes.


LH19, can you elaborate on this? I just want to understand what you mean exactly. Thank you!


Originally Posted by IronWill

How did this happen? Well - here's some advice: stop chasing after someone who is running away. It's not a good look.
Choose whether you are standing or not.
If you are, give yourself the best possible chance for saving yourself (note: yourself, not your MR) by DB your [censored] off.
Focus on you. Do nothing. Say nothing - do not initiate conversations at all unless it is an emergency. Get out of the way, remove yourself from the equation as much as you can.
That's what they want. Let them figure things out. That's what you can do to help them, and it will greatly help you to get calm and grounded and figure out what YOU want too.


Thank you for the support IronWill! I have been reading your thread as well, 20 months is a very long time. I'm just working on patience. When I truly ask myself do I want to stand for my marriage, the answer is yes. However, I have to be realistic, we weren't married that long, we have no kids, and she doesn't seem to have much of a problem just letting me out of her life. It's the properly ending it part she just won't get done. So some days I get frustrated and want to push her along, but that hasn't seemed to have much effect either really, so in the end, I just need to focus on myself as you said and come out of this the best that I can!

Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2895147
05/16/20 05:55 PM
05/16/20 05:55 PM
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sandi2 Offline
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“Don't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.”- Will Smith

I love this quote!


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2896278
05/30/20 04:03 PM
05/30/20 04:03 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
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jstrembr Offline OP
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Hi all! Just checking in, nothing much to report, and I don't really have any questions, just thought I'd post a little update.

I had a real nice Memorial day weekend, the lakes around here opened back up in time for Memorial day, so I went out with some friends on the boat.

The wife sent a text about two weeks ago to ask for some tax papers that had her name on it. I was surprised she hadn't filed her taxes already. She is sure taking advantage of the new deadline! The last time we spoke in person, which was back in February I think, she had asked what we were going to do about our taxes and we decided to file separately. I already had filed mine, and since my wife didn't have those forms at the time my accountant recommended I take the standard deduction assuming my wife had already filed, because there is a rule when you file married but separate you both have to take the same type of deduction. So I did respond to that text just to let her know what I had done, and that she didn't need the forms since she had to take the standard deduction now, but that if she wanted them I would send them over. She asked if I could, so I sent her the forms and also the email from my accountant explaining the whole deduction thing. I feel like my wife never believes anything I say anymore, so I just wanted to back up my explanation with a third party.

Then a few days ago she sent another text where she apologized for continuing to "bother" me, saying she needed a copy of last years tax return when we filed jointly. I just didn't respond to that one and just sent the return via email the next day. Doing my best to avoid getting pulled into any longer conversations.

It's been about a month since I responded to her first draft of our joint petition, which took 3 months to get that. No mention of that when she texted me, so just waiting still.

Other than that, I feel like I'm still doing good, just trying to live my life, it's a little weird sometimes when I think about it and realize that I am still married, I start to sort of forget about it sometimes if that makes sense? Just a random thought.

Last edited by jstrembr; 05/30/20 04:05 PM.
Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2896300
05/31/20 04:26 AM
05/31/20 04:26 AM
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jstrembr Offline OP
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Hi all! Just enjoying the evening... Perhaps having a couple "drink drinks" to relax. I know as a LBS we should stay away from that, and for the most part I do, but it's Saturday night!

Anyway, just been thinking... On Monday it's June, that is essentially 9 months since my wife started an affair. She has shown zero signs that she wants to reconcile with me. However, we have made zero progress towards a divorce. So here we are in limbo land.

I am thinking about reaching out to her tomorrow to ask for an update with our divorce. If you read back through my thread I know I have gone back and forth with this, but it has been 9 months! Nine months of me continuing to invest into our home, living in a community property state. I can't continue to do this. What if this goes on multiple years, by the law I could be loosing thousands of dollars.

I have a lawyer on standby, I haven't moved forward with hiring him because we haven't really been married that long, and up until now I felt it was financially in my favor to settle this without lawyers. However, if this continues on much longer, I am going to continue paying a mortgage that my wife is legally entitled to half of. I'm going to have to fight it at some point.

So I'm just wondering, is it worth reaching out and asking what is going on? Why is it taking so long to reach a deal we can sign off on? Or should I continue to remain no contact?

If you want the honest truth, even after 9 months, I still want reconcile... Now that is with the full cooperation of my wife, I certainly have boundaries in my head if we got to that point. However, I have to be realistic here, and come to terms that it has been 9 months and there are zero signs she wants to reconcile. So this is where I need advice. Do I break no contact and start pushing her to get this divorce done? I'm just starting to loose my patience, and I'm concerned financially that over 9 months I have invested a lot of money into a home that legally is still owned by my cheating wife! I'm so torn, on the one hand I wish she would come to her senses and want to work towards a new relationship, but on the other hand I look at reality and know she is probably never going to do that.

Thank you for any guidance smile

Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2896302
05/31/20 05:00 AM
05/31/20 05:00 AM
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Spiral Offline
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Lawyers are often worth the money. They can set your mind at ease. You don't understand how community property works, the legal risks you're actually running, or the potential legal benefits to an extended separation.

-Spiral

Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: Spiral] #2896305
05/31/20 05:41 AM
05/31/20 05:41 AM
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Spiral Offline
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Also google Watts Charges and Epstein Credits. And don't file for divorce until you understand exactly what the pros and cons are from a financial perspective.

-Spiral

Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2896342
05/31/20 07:29 PM
05/31/20 07:29 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
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jstrembr Offline OP
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Thank you Spiral! I started looking into those terms, very good information.

If we stick to our original agreement then everything will be fine, I'm just concerned that she will try to ask for more.

Well I decided to reach out for an update. I'm just loosing my patience playing the waiting game. I've read a lot on here about being the boring grey rock, so I just kindly asked if she had received my response to her joint petition and asked if she had any updates.

She immediately got defensive saying she doesn't know why I continually blame her for the delays and that her lawyer is working on it.

It took everything I had not to respond to that, but I just left it alone. I don't know if she will actually get anything moving now, probably not, but at least I know she got my response a month ago, I wasn't even sure if she had gotten it since I never heard anything for a month!

Last edited by jstrembr; 05/31/20 07:29 PM.
Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2896462
06/01/20 09:45 PM
06/01/20 09:45 PM
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sandi2 Offline
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Quote
So I'm just wondering, is it worth reaching out and asking what is going on? Why is it taking so long to reach a deal we can sign off on? Or should I continue to remain no contact?

So I'm just wondering, is it worth reaching out and asking what is going on? Why is it taking so long to reach a deal we can sign off on? Or should I continue to remain no contact?


I think you simply want to "reach out", and asking for an update about the D is a good excuse.

You are kind of talking out of both sides of your mouth. You give your reasons for needing to know where things stand about the D, due to the property involve........plus, you are sick of limbo. Then, you admit you still want to work it out. So, yeah........you are just wanting to reach out for the "contact". smile

If she hasn't ended her affair, I think reaching out will simply let her know you are still waiting for her return........otherwise, you would have taken care of things. Walk carefully.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2896986
06/07/20 03:24 PM
06/07/20 03:24 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
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jstrembr Offline OP
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jstrembr  Offline OP
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Hi sandi,

Thanks for the response. Like I said I did ask her for an update, I agree, it was an excuse to reach out. You have my number!

She sent me a few more messages, just re-iterating she made her choice to get a divorce, we should have never been married, she is still seeing the AP, etc. I still don't understand how someone can say all of those things, but not actually complete the divorce.

Anyway, yes I am concerned about the property, and yes I am sick of limbo, and yes I would love to work things out. Just like her, I also can't have my cake and eat it to. I think I just need to move forward and take my own action and accept that she is gone and not coming back. Not in any time that would be acceptable anyway. The limbo is just becoming to much for me and I'm afraid I will start to become very negative the longer I let it go.

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