A Divorce Busting® Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.


Save your marriage singlehandedly
with Divorce Busting Telephone Coaching
SPECIAL JANUARY OFFER -- SAVE $60
THREE DIVORCE BUSTING TELEPHONE COACHING SESSION FOR ONLY $330

CALL 303-444-7004 or use code: SAVE_$60 in the Divorce Busting Store

A Message from Michele
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5
Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2893940
05/02/20 05:07 PM
05/02/20 05:07 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
J,

I think the older people get the faster things happen. We have people on this board who are engaged before they are even divorced.

The point is your STBX is a runner and the until she figures out why she is likely to keep keeping recreating these patterns.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2894275
05/06/20 04:46 PM
05/06/20 04:46 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,543
S
sandi2 Offline
Member
sandi2  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,543
Quote
Is there any merit in me just asking her whatís going on? Or do I just ignore it and remain no contact.

I will tell you, this is really bothering me, Iím trying to let it go, but I just canít stop thinking about it.


You have to stop yourself from asking her anything. She is still thick in the affair fog, and having another talk is not going to accomplish anything, except being told it's none of your business.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: sandi2] #2894290
05/06/20 06:14 PM
05/06/20 06:14 PM
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,199
S
Steve85 Offline
Member
Steve85  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Feb 2018
Posts: 8,199
Originally Posted by sandi2
Quote
Is there any merit in me just asking her whatís going on? Or do I just ignore it and remain no contact.

I will tell you, this is really bothering me, Iím trying to let it go, but I just canít stop thinking about it.


You have to stop yourself from asking her anything. She is still thick in the affair fog, and having another talk is not going to accomplish anything, except being told it's none of your business.



THIS!!!!

Remember, doing nothing is better than doing the wrong thing. Always. We all think "one more talk and I can get through to them". You can't. When will they change their mind? When they decide to. Not a second before. No matter what you say or do. Or don't say and don't do.


M(51), W(52),D(16)
M-20, T-23 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017
Ring and Piecing since March 2018
Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2894314
05/07/20 04:53 AM
05/07/20 04:53 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 77
J
jstrembr Offline OP
Member
jstrembr  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 77
Thank you all, I followed the advice and did not reach out. No more updates really. Personally I think I'm doing well, trying my best to be thankful for all the good things in my life!

Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2894455
05/09/20 01:13 PM
05/09/20 01:13 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,543
S
sandi2 Offline
Member
sandi2  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,543
Good! One day at time of not reaching out.


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2895049
05/15/20 03:01 PM
05/15/20 03:01 PM
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,543
S
sandi2 Offline
Member
sandi2  Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 18,543
So..................how ya doing?


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2895114
05/16/20 07:10 AM
05/16/20 07:10 AM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 77
J
jstrembr Offline OP
Member
jstrembr  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 77
Hi sandi,

I really appreciate that you check in on all of us smile

So I know if you read back through my thread my emotions sure are a roller coaster. I feel like lately Iíve started to just accept that whatever happens is going to happen. Iím just working the best I can on my patience.

I still donít quite understand why, given that Iíve been cheated on and just sort of tossed aside, but I still hope for reconciliation. I keep trying to remember my own faults as well, and I really do love my wife. Iíve come across a saying, ďshe is a good person that has done a bad thingĒ.

There still hasnít really been any movement toward fixing things or a divorce. Iíve remained no contact, so still just going on the last thing that happened with her, which was finding out she was looking at houses with this other guy. We are still married, he is still married, so as of right now I donít think they really could buy a house. It feels like they are just sort of in a fantasy land. Anyway, itís really none of my concern.

So I guess to sum up, Iím doing good, but nothing really new to report as far as our marriage is concerned.

Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2895121
05/16/20 11:46 AM
05/16/20 11:46 AM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
Originally Posted by jstrembr

I still donít quite understand why, given that Iíve been cheated on and just sort of tossed aside, but I still hope for reconciliation. I keep trying to remember my own faults as well, and I really do love my wife. Iíve come across a saying, ďshe is a good person that has done a bad thingĒ.

It's your brain trying to protect you. Your brain makes you believe that if you get your W back it will bring stability to your L which is just an illusion. With time and space you will realize that is what it's about. That is what's making you want to pursue. That's why so many people fail at DB because it takes a lot of self control. It's why it's so hard for people to eat healthy, quit smoking and drinking. Another illusion is your statement is you "love your wife". If you truly loved her you would honor her decision to move on and find happiness elsewhere. It's just a statement your telling yourself to get your sense of stability and control back. "She's a good person who did a bad thing". J she didn't keep the extra change gave to her accidentally by the cashier, she's having an affair with a married man while still married herself. Is a serial killer a good person who did a few bad things?

I'm just trying to paint a picture of what's really going on here right now. There is so much suffering on this board for the simple reason that people's brains have a difficult time accepting reality.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: LH19] #2895139
05/16/20 04:06 PM
05/16/20 04:06 PM
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 77
J
jstrembr Offline OP
Member
jstrembr  Offline OP
Member
J
Joined: Dec 2019
Posts: 77
LH19, thank you for the added perspective. Certainly helps to understand my thoughts. I will say I have no illusions she has done a horrible thing, and it would take a tremendous amount of work to restore our relationship. I hope if she ever did turn around, I remain strong and don't just turn into a doormat. If that ever did happen I would certainly keep looking to the guidance of this forum!

Originally Posted by LH19
Another illusion is your statement is you "love your wife". If you truly loved her you would honor her decision to move on and find happiness elsewhere.


I have trouble with many things haha, but this one in particular has been hard to deal with. If she made a decision to move on and find happiness, then so be it I suppose. However, here we are seven months later, and we are still married. A few weeks ago when the bill payment thing came up and she broke our 6 week streak of no contact she even told me most of the time she is just sad and/or mad. It's just frustrating, if she wants to move on, then go for it, I'm not stopping her, but she sure seems to just do nothing, and she doesn't really give off the impression she is happy either.

Anyway, just venting.

Re: Emotionally Unavailable Part 2 [Re: jstrembr] #2895140
05/16/20 04:17 PM
05/16/20 04:17 PM
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
L
LH19 Offline
Member
LH19  Offline
Member
L
Joined: Feb 2017
Posts: 5,976
J,

Actions not words. 6 weeks NC with you speaks volumes.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
Page 3 of 5 1 2 3 4 5

Moderated by  Cadet, job, Virginia 

Save Your Marriage! Schedule Online

Schedule a phone consultation with a Divorce Busting® Coach! Call: 800-664-2435 or 303-444-7004