Congratulations on the weight loss! I wish I could write you more often. Based on my experience the only possible way you and your husband could reconcile is if his relationship with the other woman deteriorates. As long as he and she are in love and happy together it doesn't seem as though he'll change his mind. Do you remember how much you were in love with your husband when you first started dating him? If your ex-husband or any other ex tried to get back with you at that time would you have considered it? Even if any man showed interest in you when you first fell in love with your husband would you have been receptive? Probably not. "Love" is such a powerful feeling. Even though what your husband is feeling with this other woman isn't true love because it's based on betrayal and infidelity but to him it must feel like love. He's wiling to risk everything he built with you for her. You and the divorce are now the only obstacles to his happy new life. Guess who he might call, however, if he ends up single and lonely in a few years? You might become quite an attractive option again then, but it seems like the chances of you and him getting back together are low because you'd have to be single too. Plus there'd have to be no other woman vying for your husband's attention at that time. And the anger and resentment you feel from what he did would have to be addressed and he'd have to be truly sorry for how he hurt you, not just sorry for himself that he ended up single. There's a magic formula that'd have to be in place and all the stars would have to align. It's the saddest thing to go through this. It seems like there's always a glimmer of hope but the destruction these cheaters cause to our lives is astronomical beyond their comprehension (or willingness to comprehend due to their selfishness). FYI - my ex is still with his other woman after nearly three years. I'm deeply sorry for what you're going through because I know the pain. I also can't believe the audacity of a cheater to introduce their affair partner to their parents when they're still married! That is just unbelievable to me. I'll be thinking of you as you do the best you possibly can through these fragile days.
but to him it must feel like love. He's wiling to risk everything he built with you for her. You and the divorce are now the only obstacles to his happy new life.
This has been the most difficult for me to accept. I know that he relied heavily on her and poured out his issues of our M to her... "she was there for him" were his exact words. I can see how if he felt rejected by me even though that wasn't intentional at all on my part that he feel that... but I can see how in his vulnerable state he fell for her.
Its strengthened by the fact they are all from the same small town. All went to high school together. They are all spending a lot of time socializing with one another. They are getting support of mutual friends, her kids, his kids, and his parents.
You are right... I can't hold a candle to that.
I kept thinking for the longest time he would see I was serious about getting my sh*t together and making this M the best it could be for both of us. He is just so burnt out in his own words.
Right now what he is going to looks WAY better than what he is LEAVING.
I know he lost emotional attraction for me... All the stuff I read is that if I pull back and leave him be that he will become curious and his emotional attraction will build again.
My only hope is to walk away and pray that he works through our issues... that the OW will be less of a distraction with more time.
He has a year.
I have worked through what would have to happen to get over the deal breaker of a PA... but I will not return to him after a divorce. That is the biggest betrayal of a M... weird I used to think it was a PA but all the journal I've done. All the reading... the watching videos... the working through of my emotions... D is the ultimate deal breaker.
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FYI - my ex is still with his other woman after nearly three years. I'm deeply sorry for what you're going through because I know the pain. I also can't believe the audacity of a cheater to introduce their affair partner to their parents when they're still married! That is just unbelievable to me. I'll be thinking of you as you do the best you possibly can through these fragile days.
Thank you for the update Nic - I hope you and your D are well and safe during this pandemic.
Had on a sweet track suit with a cap sleeve top to show off the work on my arms... I did pull it off but I think if I dropped another 5lb it would complete the look better.
I had a complete hysterectomy more than 4yr ago due to serious health issues and once it was done could not believe how much better I felt in less than 12hr after the surgery --- they had to split me open due to severity of illness and even that was a cake walk compared to my life before.
I did replacement hormone therapy for over 2yr but then frankly just stopped cold turkey - probably should have had the discussion with the Dr... that probably contributed SOME to the weight gain.
Either way being post menopausal now... weight gain is mostly in the belly... big bellies are a turn off for H... had it been in my hips or butt no big deal. I think that is why my self esteem suffered so greatly causing me to shut down to him. Its NOT that he said anything... he was still putting his arms around me... I was pulling away because I know how he feels about big bellies... its not that he was putting ME down. I internalized EVERYTHING.
So I've lost 20lb... and you can tell. But, I still feel my belly is big (clearly its not as big as before but I think you know what I'm saying) So I think I will save the track suit after I lose another 5lb.
TODAY - I'm wearing the jeans that I wore while dating and in early M (yes... I'm looking that good!) The jeans are fitting nicely but not overly tight. I paired it with a t-shirt of our local minor league baseball team. This is a POSITIVE. When the kids were younger we took them to several games each summer... picnic... EVERYTHING! H and I also went by ourselves for an adult only date. There are GOOD memories with this. PLUS, its a woman's t-shirt (face it ladies... t-shirts are boxy and for me... we need one that is form fitted for big B's and nice waists!)
I look good.... BUT, I still look casual because after all its moving day and it would be weird to be wearing high end nice jeans and boots.
I'm still NOT planning on having him in the house. Most stuff is in garage or attic. We have a full bonus room accessed by regular staircase over the garage - "attic". BUT, if he does come inside AND uses the master bathroom he will have to see the cute, lacey, adorable pj set hanging on the bathroom hook... NOW, I'm wearing those for me... but he won't get that... let his mind wander. That's what you get helping yourself to my bathroom... LOL.
Chicken and Noodles in crock pot....
Fresh baked cookies on counter...
Its game on for this high stress poker game of moving his crap out and acting "as if". I almost want a sports announcer giving highlights as we proceed.
Thank you everyone for the good thoughts and positive perspectives that I can do this.
Well - I guess it went as well as it could for moving out your H from your M home.
He texted me he was "here" but I always hear that truck pull into the neighborhood... so I knew the party was about to begin. Trying to remember everyone's advice... stay cool, don't talk much, listen/validate, etc.
I walk out there and he is walking back up the driveway after putting something in trash can. I can't help it... I was the one who spoke first "HOW DID YOU MANAGE TO GET A HAIRCUT?". Okay mostly out of jealousy but it was also an ice breaker I guess.
H said B did it. Well since NYE party its been my H, R (his wife -who has stayed with sometimes), B and OW. Its like they are the 3 musketeers only H and OW went on to PA.
So I asked H what/how he wanted to do this? In order to show that I no longer need to be controlling - this is HIS dog and pony show.
H acted like his back hurt him... he didn't say anything so I ignored. Loaded up up the totes he had dropped off which I had packed with clothes. Told him I needed a couple more. He seemed confused on what to do next. He said he was going to try to take the gun safe (it looked rainy) so I suggested he start getting stuff out of the attic... oh okay.
So up to the attic we went. Fishing, Hunting and Camping were already in big totes. We went through the totes as there was some stuff that belonged to S18 which he took out. He continued to move awkwardly so I finally asked if he was ok - "yes, stiff back"... ok. I helped carry down the large totes and put in truck.
He seemed perplexed again as to what to do next... there was some room left in the truck but not for anything big. So again I suggested we sort through the black shelving unit and divide up stuff there... "ok".
There were no disagreements. When I said I was using X sander (which was his) he said ok and left it. I freely gave him other stuff I didn't think I would ever use. He offered to leave the battery charger, but I didn't know how to use. So he gave me a quick lesson and left it.
He acted uncomfortable again so I said sorry that his back was hurting him... he grumbled he is sleeping on a pillow top mattress (he hates those.... lol... he would prefer to sleep on a rock!). I listened and agreed. He asked when the next time he could come to get the rest. I stated I would check my schedule. It would probably be a weekend again - he said that was fine.
He asked for my help with the tie downs - not a problem. Then he states "I was going to have you follow me in your SUV back to Kokomo and take you for that bike ride, but the weather isn't very nice today" OK - (inside eyes popping out of my head but on the outside-) very calmly stated I appreciated the offer. Then he replied "maybe the next time he comes the weather will be better"
WHAT???
Does his GF/OW know he is taking his wife out on a motorcycle ride????
I had this weird feeling he wanted to show me his house that he is buying but that is just speculation on my part.
I can't believe I maintained my cool when he said that... GO ME... Yes, I want that bike ride... I so want that freaking bike ride... but I was calm and friendly and appreciate with a soft even tone.
At that point I stated my hands were filthy from the garage stuff and I was going to go wash up. He was welcome to come in to wash his before leaving.
He did wash up in the kitchen. Noticed the dogs playing outside. I foolishly offerred him something to eat and bit my tongue as soon as it slipped out - he declined... moving on... But he happened to notice out of the corner of his eye that the step ladder was out.... and he asked why it was out.
I just answered that the last storm that went through fried the doorbell. I'm struggling because I can't figure out which breaker its on - its not the one you think it should be. I went to go buy a new one today but the X store was closed due to Easter. H went out to garage to look at breakers. I said I will get it figured out and changing out the doorbell should be simple enough.
At this point I start wrapping things up... telling him good bye... he is like ya - I'll see you later... I went back into the house and did not watch him drive off.
About 50min after he left - he called. He would not have been back home at this point... he should have still been driving. I did not pick up... today was hard enough. There was NO R talk. H didn't ask any personal questions of me - like work, blah blah blah. I was mostly a business deal.
AND I handled it with flying colors!!!!!
TWO QUESTIONS 1) What was the idea of having me come for a motorcycle ride??? 2) What was the call about??? He didn't leave message OR call me back OR text anything. Was I right to ignore this call?
I wished he wouldn’t have verbalized (words) a motorcycle ride because I’m afraid this is going to set you back.
I won't lie... I've been stewing a bit on that one... I need to let it go, but I will admit I wanted that ride. But, moving on...
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Look at actions OW, bought a house, moved his stuff out.
You did the right thing by not answering. Don’t speculate on why he called.
Keep moving forward!
The phone call so soon after leaving made me uncomfortable. I felt things got left on a good note when he left out the driveway and that's where I wanted it to stay... I did not want to pick up that phone and have a set back.
I have no idea what he would have said... BUT, please reassure me that if it was something important like he has been having second thoughts or wanted to share something HE WILL CALL ME BACK RIGHT? I'm sure it was "hey we didn't talk about the value of the bike"... which is not a big deal.
Looking forward to a few days of peace --- I'm sure he will be texting in 48hr about when he can make the next trip for more stuff.
Thanks for all the support. I'm devastated but handling this very well. Still standing for my M.
It sounds you did really well, Kit. I know how hard it is to stay relaxed and light when in H's presence, especially given what's going right now in your situation.
I'm 40, H is 36. No kids. No infidelity of which I'm aware. Mini BD January 2020 -- not sure if he wants to try anymore BD March 2020 -- separation
KK, Look at actions OW, bought a house, moved his stuff out.
For some reason I had trouble sleeping last night. I wasn't overly worried or anxious and yesterday had not been that bad - H and I were calm in our interactions. Neither of us got upset or angry.
I was able to vent to a good friend afterwards --- pouring out all the trapped emotions. Still didn't feel the need to cry but was confused in the short term but making peace with that.
H never called back, or texted so what he needed must have passed or was not that important. I go back to what you wrote LH --- his actions - OW, bought a house, moving his stuff out. Those are the actions of a man who wants out of his M. Who knows what the motorcycle comment was all about - guilt?
Focusing on me today. Still exercising working on my P.I.E.S. I will admit that sometimes when you spend so much time working on yourself so see with a huge magnifying lens on mistakes you made with your S. That ends up being more pain to work through... but I'm focusing on myself. I look amazing!!!! I know I left a good mental picture in his brain when he drove away yesterday.
