I have remained silent for quite some time when it comes to posting on your threads because I do not think that you want to take the rose colored glasses off and see what is going on with your situation. Time and again, the red flags continue to pop up in your postings and you are choosing to ignore them. Open your eyes!
As for Amy and Liz....I'm glad that they are remaining in their current home for the time being. I'm also glad your son has found a place. Hopefully, at some point the "girls" can move in w/your son...but for the time being S will just have to accept that they are going to be living right in your home. As for her pets, has she considered how she's going to help them adjust to the new living arrangements?
As for the peace and quiet...it's not going to last very long...that empty nest is going to be one heck of a situation once everyone is moved in and that includes the kids, pets and all of her stuff. I have a feeling that you will be looking forward to going back to the office and getting away from it all...and, yes...coming here to gently vent.
Andrew, please, please stop bending over backwards to please S. Relationships are a two way street. Living together for a period of time may be just what you need to help you remove the rose colored glasses. I hope that I am wrong, but the red flags are waving in the wind and it appears that we are the only ones that see them for now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I also really try to refrain from saying anything. It’s tough. I don’t think you want to hear it, see it, refuse to, I don’t know.
Don made a really great post. We all see it it. She is also gaslighting you. You say what movie you want to see, she suggests another one. You say ok. She then chases you about watching what you want. You know if you would have said “yeah, I really do prefer Cinderella” that would have went over awfully. And that is gaslighting. She likes to have her way.
It’s only going to get worse when you guys move in together. Instead of communication and compromise, it seems more like you are trying to navigate around the land mines. Wasn’t that what you did in your marriage?
I don’t know why you seem to be turning your head away from the red flags. Remember how you said on someone else’s thread you built a great life for yourself and chose to bring someone in who adds to it? You write a lot about what she isn’t brining to the table, rather than what she does
LOL - some days here I feel like I have about 10 (insert stereotype ethnicity) mothers "She's not good enough for My Boy!" which has been the case for every woman that I've dated ((hug))
I know that it's meant in a caring way and you are all seeing things that I also am seeing admittedly through my rose coloured glasses. I'm working on trying to figure out how to make this in to a healthy relationship and since neither of us are perfect and both have baggage and damage from our past relationships, it can be tricky with both red flags and mine fields to navigate. Not all mine fields have flags and not all flags indicate mine fields it seems as well.
I am confident though that she's not a black widow who is going to bump me off for the insurance money.
S did go home yesterday afternoon so I spent the night here alone for perhaps the first time in a long time.
S25 has gone to visit his mother overnight before but this was very different "energy" in the house. He did come by around dinner time (I was in the back garden BBQing my dinner) and grabbed another load for his apartment. He was pleased that I had set aside some dish towels and other housekeeping stuff that I have in surplus for him. He also grabbed some beef out of the freezer and other grocery type things that were here that were part of "his" supplies.
He looks good and positive about his new life. I'm very happy for him. I did notice in his car a couple of other household things that he already picked up so perhaps he was by his Mother's place and she's helping out too. I'm thinking that perhaps this Saturday I may stop by his apartment with a house-warming gift of flowers or something.
S is certainly feeling better after whatever tummy troubles she was having Saturday morning. I was cutting the grass for the first time this year and S13 asked if he could try. A bit of a concern because he's so small but he did great for a first-timer. It took a few tries and help from his mother at least once but he managed to get it running and semi-randomly went around the yard eventually getting the hang of it and doing a decent job on one of the flatter patches. I think he was more trying to avoid going inside to do homework although he is keen on being able to build stuff and do stuff in the back garden. I believe that when they come over again later in the week that his bike will be brought too.
Still trying to get the new vanity for the downstairs bath. The order appears to have gone into voodo-la-la land. Getting hold of an actual person is difficult and the local store said "maybe today" but that was probably just them giving me the "bedbug" story (waves to any former law students out there). I've let the installer know and they are ready to reschedule me into next week if it's not here by end of day today. Sigh. Brave New World indeed.
Well - time to focus on work now. The fabulous weather we had yesterday that had me in the garden and perhaps gave me a touch of sunburn has gone away and there's now snow forecast for later in the week. But at least my grass no longer looks like my quarantine hair.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
I wish I would have spoke my truth more in my marriage. Instead I was agreeable, placated, and just went with the flow all in an attempt to keep the peace. Wrong move as over the years it led to resentment on my part and I know contributed to our D on her end.
I learned to love by chasing, putting my XW on pedestal, and I don't think ever really having my own needs met.
Now I am with the Doc who has essentially handed over the keys and allows me to be the man. Talk about a mind fuch. I am now learning how to love all over again in what seems to be a more healthy way but is not my norm.. It takes time to unpack it all.
Speak your truth, do so in a loving, caring, and compassionate way. You might need to take the lead with establishing healthy boundaries and communication patterns. You have the board, she doesn't.
LOL - some days here I feel like I have about 10 (insert stereotype ethnicity) mothers "She's not good enough for My Boy!" which has been the case for every woman that I've dated ((hug))
Both or all 2 or perhaps 3 of them, you mean? You act as if we’ve had the same response with like 10 women over many years. Besides, they have all had similar traits, including still being married. Sounds like everyone here is being consistent rather than mothering.
Originally Posted by AndrewP
I am confident though that she's not a black widow who is going to bump me off for the insurance money.
As I am pretty sure is everyone here. No one has suggested otherwise. But, is this your dealbreaker? As long as she’s not going to end your life in order to profit, everything else is okay or at least not a deal breaker?
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D
LOL - some days here I feel like I have about 10 (insert stereotype ethnicity) mothers "She's not good enough for My Boy!" which has been the case for every woman that I've dated ((hug))
Both or all 2 or perhaps 3 of them, you mean? You act as if we’ve had the same response with like 10 women over many years. Besides, they have all had similar traits, including still being married. Sounds like everyone here is being consistent rather than mothering.
Well, Andrew i consider you a friend. My friends are used to me being direct, and sometimes that isn't comfortable.
You are the common denominator in the following relationships:
*Your marriage *CL *B *S
Look to what you are: *attracting *trying to resolve (we work through our own "stuff" in our most intimate relationships, which act as a mirror, always, for our internal barometer) *patterns that are emerging, or have emerged
It's really not about S or any other woman, Andrew. It's all about you. It's always been about you.
xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
I do tend to think about something and then speak my mind when I see red flags glaring at me either on a page or IRL. You may be too close to your situation to actually see what is going on. If you didn't have concerns, you wouldn't be posting the posts that you are. Look, you are going to have to take this situation in hand and start communicating what you want. If you are allowing her to get her way 90% of the time now, what do you think life is going to be when the ring is on the finger?
If you set your boundaries now and communicate your needs up front and stand your ground, S should have much more respect for you. By allowing her to get away w/many of the things that she's been doing, you are sending her a very clear picture that you have no issue w/her taking control over things.
I am going to be very honest here...I can't wait until S, her family, pets and her stuff move in. I give you less than one week and you will be seeking out some quiet time either on walks, working in the shop and taking a drive. Right now, they all aren't under foot...but when she moves in they will be there 24/7 and yes, your front door will become a revolving door for the older ones to just come in and make themselves at home. Now is the time to set those boundaries before everything takes place.
I'm not saying S is not right for you, but I do think some clear, plain speaking communications needs to take place. Now, if that is "mothering" you...then so be it. Your adopted mother has spoken. Now, the bigger question is this...would you prefer we not post our comments about your situation to you or would you rather we be honest and tell you what we see from your postings?
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Now, the bigger question is this...would you prefer we not post our comments about your situation to you or would you rather we be honest and tell you what we see from your postings?
Thanks all. I come here because in the echo chamber of my own head I don't get any useful feedback.
There's also perhaps a bias in what I write here where I explore things that bother / concern me and don't mention those positives. For example pushing back on the move-in for a month to allow S25 to safely launch without the undue pressure of having S and crew under foot. Another is being clear that her D19 and BF, while welcome to visit aren't to be moving in. The first of these was a bit more difficult as S didn't see it as an issue. The second she's been very supportive of even if lately D19's housing situation has gotten more difficult. She has lots of options that don't involve me. A pre-nup which S doesn't think is necessary is also another area where I've taken the lead on what matters to me and she's gone along.
We've also been able to navigate and compromise on remodeling plans where having the money saved is the first priority. Wedding and honeymoon plans have also involved some give and take where both of our voices are heard.
Like I believe J9 pointed out though, finding my voice and being able to communicate my wants and needs effectively while at the same time listening and accepting her's even where they don't mesh is very important and what I am trying hard to work on. It is a similar dynamic I think to J9 here too where in my marriage I was playing second fiddle to here where S consults me about pretty much every choice going. Two recent examples were if S13 could have a small pet of his own (guinea pig) and if we could put a trampoline in the back yard. She put those choices on me. We talked about them, the pros and cons and in both cases mutually agreed that they were a good idea. So green flag from my point of view.
I'm a problem solver. When the problem baffles me or I think that I lack knowledge, tools or perspective then I ask for help. I appreciate all of your voices even when I may pout or grumble. I have learned though that the final choice in everything is mine after taking on all the available information and perspective.
Thank you all.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
"She's not good enough for My Boy!" which has been the case for every woman that I've dated ((hug))