KC: It looks good. I tweaked the last sentence for you.
Ok. I can really only do 1 day so let me know which day works better and I can plan accordingly. Also there is some housekeeping items that need to be discussed before next weekend. Please let me know when you can call to discuss.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
KC: It looks good. I tweaked the last sentence for you.
Ok. I can really only do 1 day so let me know which day works better and I can plan accordingly. Also there is some housekeeping items that need to be discussed before next weekend. Please let me know when you can call to discuss.
Perfect - sent text.
I hate sending out texts and not getting responses... it makes me feel like he rejecting me all over again.
The reason that I suggested a list is so that you are prepared before hand as to what he's going to want to come get. That way, it's not a sudden smack in the face when he starts walking around and pointing out what he wants to take.
You've come a long way and you appear to be getting to the point of accepting that he's gone and may be gone for a while.
KC, you are going to be fine no matter what happens. You are a strong, independent woman and he's a fool to walk away from you...but he'll find that out in due time.
I've had to come back and read this several times.
It was an exhausting day driving an hour away to our 2 other joint bank accts. My atty advised me since he cleared out one acct and moved to another to pay off vehicles and then didnt I go get my half of the money. The total amount t was 12k before my half.
I did.
I also found out there was another 20k in the bank acct... THE JOINT ACCT. Now keep in mind he has 2 secret accts so why is ther 20K extra??? Where did it come from???
The bank is sending me a print out of activity over the last 60days. My atty has been informed of this surprise.
‐-----------------------
Tonight is one of those super hard days. I did text H about next weekend and he needed to find time to call beforehand. No response. He is probably with OW.
I'm working on me... its soooo painful. The working on me part. Working on physical attraction is easy... better eating choices and exercise.
It's working on the emotional attraction that is ripping my heart out. Was I a safe place for my H to have positive feel good emotions about me. Not as often as he should have. It's like watching yourself in a movie. I see myself just barking back at my H. Sure maybe he was gruff with me first but he just woke up and had very little sleep after working 12s. I can't believe I acted like that.
Yes, there were good times. Times that he did have good emotions about me. But remember it takes 5 positives to counteract a negative. My Hs perspective is that it would be good for 2 weeks and then bad for 3 months. Sure maybe that is rewriting history a little but I have to acknowledge his perspective.
I had to take a break from my webinar. I plan to follow through with the workbook but it just hurts tonight.
Yes, you could argue that my H was not always a safe place for me emotionally as well but I cannot control him I can o ly control myself and how I react to things.
And, I'm a firm believer that people are your mirror. I could have been the spouse that interacted differently and perhaps over time he would have changed his responses in accord to mine.
I'm going to get through this program and workbook. Its going to be a hard go.
I want that woman back that he married.
We all end up here looking to save our M. We know we have to work on ourselves. Put the focus back on us. Let the spouse go. But, I am going to be frank.... I want my ex to see my hard work. I want him to appreciate me. I want to see me as the prize and start chasing me and our life together. That's where my heart is at.
Then reality sets in... he is having strong emotional attraction to OW... she is his safe place to land.
H remembers the negative feelings that are created when he looks back on his M with me... he is drawn to the OW who makes him feel good. There is no competing... it just feels like game over.
I don't feel like I'm back at square one. But how many LBS that are not bound by shared children get drawn back to their spouse??? H stated she was there for him. He was vulnerable in his hope for our M and she made him feel good. Of course he wanted the pain he was feeling from me to end... he found the solution. I'm NOT saying I'm okay with his A.
I'm not proud of myself. This is so much to work through. I'm sad that he cant see how hard I'm working.
Job said I was coming to terms that be was gone and was likely to be gone for awhile. Its going to be hard but I can give him space... can I let go of him forever? I don't know. I really hope I don't have too.
Its painful and hard as heck to focus on yourself and your flaws. Maybe that's why I have been focusing so much on H??? Because I have to accept that I'm not someone I like right now.
I understand how you are feeling. I go through the same emotions and doubts about myself. I should have done x, or said y , or reacted differently to x,y, and z. Our spouses should have come to us and communicated how they were feeling instead of turning to OW. They are grown men. They know deep down what they are doing is wrong. They are selfish.
Please don't beat yourself up. I understand how you are on a roller coaster of emotions right now. Take a deep breath. If you're a woman of faith, say a prayer for strength. I think you should go to IC. The support from these boards are very helpful and the people here are great, but sometimes you need to speak to someone face to face. I know quite a few IC are now doing virtual sessions due to the stay home order.
((Hugs))
Me: 47 H: 45 T: 24 M:23 D23 BD #1 12/19: ILYBNILWY BD #2 2/20: I discovered H was having an affair with OW. (OW is 21 and lives in another country) Current R status: Separated.
I understand how you are feeling. I go through the same emotions and doubts about myself. I should have done x, or said y , or reacted differently to x,y, and z. Our spouses should have come to us and communicated how they were feeling instead of turning to OW. They are grown men. They know deep down what they are doing is wrong. They are selfish.
Please don't beat yourself up. I understand how you are on a roller coaster of emotions right now. Take a deep breath. If you're a woman of faith, say a prayer for strength. I think you should go to IC. The support from these boards are very helpful and the people here are great, but sometimes you need to speak to someone face to face. I know quite a few IC are now doing virtual sessions due to the stay home order.
((Hugs))
Thank you - Mo
My H did communicate his needs were not being met. His timing was awful... said it to me as he literally came in the door from work and I was leaving the door for work. If only he could have said those words when we both had time to focus on the issue.
The only fault was that he waited so late in the problem... so when he spoke those words and I had to leave for work he was crushed and in so much pain and I didn't see HOW much pain he was in.
Life gets crazy.
Right after BD I asked if the M could be mended. His reply was that it could not be mended with him here (at the house). I think he was honest. While he was pouring too much of his heart out to OW he was NOT in a PA at the time. I'm not foolish enough to think he had not thought about the idea of D and moving on to other woman but he had not crossed the line yet.
The same night he said that he even said maybe if WE weren't working so many hours.
I don't think I give H enough credit to handling his own emotions. Where I think he went wrong was using this friendship with OW in sharing too much of his troubles with her instead of me and that led to becoming emotionally and physically involved with her.
----------------------------
I think my previous post isn't so much about H but accepting the painful truth of emotional attraction.
YES - I was present physically. I did the laundry, the cooking and nearly all the cleaning. That was MY way of showing love to my H. Bottom line is I know that is not how H feels love.
My insecurities and being in my own head and my own issues where I felt I couldn't open up to H for fear of being judged. That led me to pull away physically.
That pull away left him aching emotionally and feeling rejected. Feeling not accepted for who he was.. leading him to be gruff and unhappy.... leading me to mirror his behavior and bark back.
H said we bicker ALL the time. Is that true? Well seldom are ALWAYS and NEVER really true but that is his perception and his current truth.
I don't think I want people reading this and feeling I'm back to square one and that this post is exactly like my first one. This is me working through acceptance that MY EMOTIONAL ATTRACTION is at an all time low. I'm having trouble accepting that. Its painful... nearly as painful as my H telling he wants a D and there is no hope in salvaging this M.
Its my job to work on my emotional attraction. And, i will do the hard work. My life and my M are worth that.
I'm still at a place where I want H to notice. I want his to notice the weight drop. I want him to notice my confidence. I want him to see my hard work. I want him to see that his emotional well being could be safe with me again.
^^^^^^^ I get that the above is NOT my goal. My goal should all be about me and me alone. I'm only 40% there.
I hate sending out texts and not getting responses... it makes me feel like he rejecting me all over again.
No expectations.
Steve85 - the voice of reason.
When I put something out there and nothing... I feel like I've lost my power.... my upper hand. That he has seen through my trickery of not responding for at least 1-2hr so he is upping his game and making it days.
Stupid I know.
I cannot expect anything from him. Someone buy me that bumper sticker.
I have always done everyone's laundry - no one in allowed in my laundry room. Now, I love laundry. I love the washing, the drying, the perfectly folding and neatly putting away. All of you can now GASP that yes my closet is perfectly organized and could appear in a magazine spread as fully staged at any moment... not just my closet but the closets of my kids. You have a good mental picture now??? Keep in mind that this is an act of service and how I feel love so its how I show love.
I let my H do his own laundry. I let him fold it his way. I let him put it away his way. It was NOT my way. It didn't kill me. In the big scheme of the world its a very tiny drop in the bucket. I survived. Yes, I missed doing his laundry.
Step forward. I'm doing my and S18 laundry. I will fold his items and leave them on the table for him to put away. Deep breath -- that closet isn't organized how I would do it. But, I can walk away from it.
I'm letting go of control of the laundry. I am being less controlling... is it wrong that I want H to see my improvement? That I'm taking steps that I can change?
So I have been reading R2C quotes threads... I collect the ones that speak to me the strongest. Sometimes I wish I had been here before and reading these.
I saved my M once with DB. I did not maintain the things I should have been doing to keep the M strong... I got lazy? I took H for granted? IDK.
There was this gem: Even though my M was dead (old R), I owe it to my kids to keep trying. I once told my W that she tried to make our M work for 15 years, and there's no way I'm just giving up after 3 months.
He was trying and trying and trying hoping I would change and he left in his pain. Don't I owe it to our M not to give up on month 3?
Thoughts are all over the place but I am putting more value on me... I working on the things I became lax in. I can be a better person.
