Yes, you hope for the best and plan for the worse. Continue to stay the course and do not contact him. If you get the itch to contact him, come here and post.
BTW, it's time to start a new thread. I just kicked your limit to 100.
Thank you - Job... I am smiling more and your post made me smile. I am finding joy in small things.
I am in the medical field and my hands are bloody and hurt non-stop from the frequent hand washing. I interact very little with S18 and we maintain mostly separate parts of the house for most of the day. It makes the lonliness of this sitch even harder to bear. I will admit that while my health is at greater risk I do get out of the house and work with people.. really good people so there is that joy.
I'm almost half way through his birthday and no post from me. I know I am NOT even supposed to have these thoughts but I hope he feels my absence very hard today... not likely with OW right???
Today is tough but 6 days from now will be even tougher when it MY BIRTHDAY and nothing from him. Of course his excuse will be that I didn't text him on his bday.
I will keep moving forward.
Last edited by job; 03/30/2003:25 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
Just want to make sure this post below by Job from your last thread didn't get lost in the shuffle. You didn't respond or acknowledge it, but it is excellent advice.
I especially agree with filtering legal issues through your lawyer. Your H keeps telling you to lift the financial freeze, but he needs to understand that it was done by your lawyer and any request to lift it must be filtered through your lawyer, not you. I would simply provide him with your lawyer's contact info and tell him that he can contact your lawyer to discuss it, or have his lawyer contact yours. YOU MUST PROTECT YOURSELF. Dropping this is not going to earn you any brownie points with him, please understand that. You can't "nice" him back. Like Job said, quit trying to reason with him. You can't! Whoever he was before, he's not that person now. He's not a reasonable person and won't be for a long time, maybe forever.
Also, is he planning on using your place as his garage? Like he's going to take the boat and motorcycle and play with them and then bring them back? If so, I would be inclined to tell him that they either stay or go, but you're not his storage facility. If he takes them anyway I would rearrange the garage after he removes them so he can't get them back in.
The rest of Job's advice below is spot-on as well. Please read it, absorb it, live it.
Quote
KC,
Now that you have a lawyer, any legal questions should be handled by the lawyers. One thing that you need to do is stop attempting to reason w/him over anything, especially the financial/asset side of the everything. If he has any questions concerning the financial order and why your lawyer is against giving him money to purchase another home, then he should be directing his frustration and questions to his own legal counsel.
About him coming to the home and getting things. Have him give you a list of what he wants, then set those things somewhere safe, schedule a time for pick up and remind him that you are only going to compile what is on that list. Be sure you keep a copy of that list and take photos of what he is picking up. Advise him that you need a date and time for the pick up and if he misses that opportunity, then another date and time will need to be scheduled. I would also make sure that my son was there as a witness to the pick up of items.
As for the shared calendar...I would suggest you stop posting on that calendar and if there is a way tor remove that app from your phone, then by all means do so. He may very well be posting stuff on there just so that you can see it and get you all spun up over the postings. There's no rhyme or reason for what they do...but they are really good at aggravating us. So, take control and delete that app from your phone.
As for replying to texts, read them and determine if they really require a response. If they do, then reply back at a later time. If it's an emergency, then reply as quickly as possible...but otherwise, leave them until later.
Please, please stop trying to rationalize w/this man. You can't do it because he doesn't want to hear it right now. He is a desperate man who wants everything done his way and it's not going to happen. He figures that the more he badgers you, that one day soon you will finally give in. They are like 2 years olds who want everything their way and will continue to annoy "mom" until "mom" gives in.
You have more control over things than you think. Take back the control...stop telling him you need time and space. That is just fueling his fire to annoy the h*ll out of you. Just take that time and space back. Actions speak louder than words. Remember...your words are falling on deaf ears right now.
Just want to make sure this post below by Job from your last thread didn't get lost in the shuffle. You didn't respond or acknowledge it, but it is excellent advice.
I especially agree with filtering legal issues through your lawyer. Your H keeps telling you to lift the financial freeze, but he needs to understand that it was done by your lawyer and any request to lift it must be filtered through your lawyer, not you. I would simply provide him with your lawyer's contact info and tell him that he can contact your lawyer to discuss it, or have his lawyer contact yours. YOU MUST PROTECT YOURSELF. Dropping this is not going to earn you any brownie points with him, please understand that. You can't "nice" him back. Like Job said, quit trying to reason with him. You can't! Whoever he was before, he's not that person now. He's not a reasonable person and won't be for a long time, maybe forever.
Also, is he planning on using your place as his garage? Like he's going to take the boat and motorcycle and play with them and then bring them back? If so, I would be inclined to tell him that they either stay or go, but you're not his storage facility. If he takes them anyway I would rearrange the garage after he removes them so he can't get them back in.
The rest of Job's advice below is spot-on as well. Please read it, absorb it, live it.
I did read that post of Job's... actually more than once.
I know I cannot back down on the financial order until things are settled with who pays what/gets what. H seems to think we still have this verbal agreement even after how he has treated me and I got and filed with atty. Honestly, I have no idea what is going on his head.
That's the whole reason I dread any contact from him. Its a double edge sword that cuts either direction. I want him to reach out but I nearly vomit when he does because its like "what does he want"... "can I stave him off without creating more drama"
AS - its not a matter of "nice"ing him back. Its I don't want this knock down ugly fight were he says "this is why we cannot be together". I can't deal with any impact that I have a dug a bigger hole for myself. I don't want to be a doormat but I also don't want to create so much animosity that he wouldn't consider recon.
I truly believe he has other avenues to get funds. He may end up using the funds he took out of another account that was supposed to pay off the vehicles. If he does that he is in contempt and I will have ownership in the house. He could get the funds from his father who would do such a loan and be paid back when the dust has settled in our finances.
I think that is why he inquires about the order every few days but isn't harping me about it - he has a plan b for that???
As for the storage comment - no he is planning on removing them and since he has no permanent place he would either rent storage or keep it at his parents house. I was the one who was NOT ready for them to be removed.
I get it - that was dumb of me!
I was getting my feet wet last year in riding the motorcycle... was trying to build up my comfort level... riding in town.. then back roads and wanted to work up to highway and maybe a longer trip?? H was a little frustrated that I was taking baby steps but I made him go out and buy me my own helmet as a way to show I was serious near the end of last summer.
I have been soooo in my own head lately. I pulled away from his physically due to my own insecurities. I had in my head been waiting for warmer weather and having the bike up and running and asking him to take me to this or that place for dinner... long winding roads maybe an hour travel and a unique place for dinner.
If I would have just said to H in December that I couldn't wait for warmer weather so he could take me to X, Y, Z on the bike he would have been thrilled that I was partaking in his thing... but I never did. I just thought I would bring up when the bike was up and ready. What was wrong with me???? Why didn't I say anything.
The same is true for the boat. It only got taken out 3 times last summer so my plan was to ask him to take me out on it at least twice this summer... AGAIN, I was waiting for fishing weather.
Of course when H comes to get the bike I want to say ---- "You know I had so many plans this summer with you and that beautiful bike"...
^^^^ I know I can't say that. He will just roll his eyes and think its trying to get him to change his mind. That's why I couldn't let go of the bike yet.
One of my mistakes was saying the same thing multiple times. I learned it is better to say things only once. I learned that less words is always better. I learned it is better not so say anything. Your behavior is more important than your words.
YOU want to go on a motorcycle ride? Then do not make it dependent on a man. This time period is all about you and you doing things without it being dependent on someone. This is about not making excuses. This is about finding solutions. I can thinnk of 100 ways you can go on a ride that are not dependent on him. Can you think of 3?
This is about becoming independent. Breaking out of co-dependent behavior.
HUGS
PS: Thank you for helping those with medical needs during this extra tough period. You are amazing!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Isn't that what I am to be doing? Hoping for the best and expecting the worst?
KC, this is why I think you are in serious denial still. You should not be hoping for the best with a man that is openly and unabashedly in a PA. I mean, it isn't even like he is suggesting he will end it to save things. So a lot of the anti-DB rules go out the window. Unless of course you are open to an open marriage? Personally, I am unwilling to share my spouse with anyone else.
So yes, you can still expect the worst but hope for the best......by filing for D. You took a good first step in booting him out of the house. Imagine his shock when he was served with D papers!! But regardless if he is shocked or not, I certainly would not want to put up with a spouse that was openly flaunting their relationship with another person. Everyone is different, but the last straw for me would have been seeing him listed as the SO in the obituary. I would have gone filed for D that same day.
Remember, waywards need a more of a tough love approach than do WASs. You've come a long way but I think you still have quite a bit of work to do on you.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
YOU want to go on a motorcycle ride? Then do not make it dependent on a man. This time period is all about you and you doing things without it being dependent on someone. This is about not making excuses. This is about finding solutions. I can thinnk of 100 ways you can go on a ride that are not dependent on him. Can you think of 3?
I do see what you are saying. Of course, now I have a helmet I can go for a ride with anyone who wants to let me ride with them.
I have sort of a guy friend from 12yr ago that came sniffing around recently - he has a bike. I could hang out at the local Harley store... that seems desperate and a little lame! LOL! My stepfather has a motorcycle but I don't think its licensed this year.
So yeah - there are 3.
I think what I was trying to convey is this bike not only was bought for my H but also with me in mind. I'm not the most adventurous when it comes things of this nature - motorcycles, roller coasters, scuba diving but always supported my H and kids in these things. I wanted to show him I was coming out of my shell more this summer. That we would have a good life as empty nesters.
I know Steve just pointed out the bike is a thing... its my thing... its our thing... And, I'm going to miss out on that with him. Sure I'm supposed to be letting him go and getting on with my own life. This is my hang up... this... this not going for a ride with him. He hasn't been sleeping at the house for 2 weeks now but to see him ride away on the bike will be a hard day for sure.
***FYI*** for my 40th bday I jumped out of a plane to skydive. Yes, it was just tandem. But, I'm nervous with flying and have a terrible fear of heights. I did it. (this was before I met my H)
R2C - I see what you are saying. I have opportunity to do the things I choose.
My goal today is just to get through it without texting H happy bday.
Isn't that what I am to be doing? Hoping for the best and expecting the worst?
KC, this is why I think you are in serious denial still. You should not be hoping for the best with a man that is openly and unabashedly in a PA. I mean, it isn't even like he is suggesting he will end it to save things. So a lot of the anti-DB rules go out the window. Unless of course you are open to an open marriage? Personally, I am unwilling to share my spouse with anyone else.
So yes, you can still expect the worst but hope for the best......by filing for D. You took a good first step in booting him out of the house. Imagine his shock when he was served with D papers!! But regardless if he is shocked or not, I certainly would not want to put up with a spouse that was openly flaunting their relationship with another person. Everyone is different, but the last straw for me would have been seeing him listed as the SO in the obituary. I would have gone filed for D that same day.
Remember, waywards need a more of a tough love approach than do WASs. You've come a long way but I think you still have quite a bit of work to do on you.
No - no open M
And, no he is not showing any interest in ending things with her and sorting things out with me.
The only interest he has shown in me consistently is his desire to move on and buy a house closer to where he works. His words are this will end in D. His actions show the same.
I there has been no contact in 4 days on either side.
I won't lie it got close. So super close but its late enough now that I envision he had dinner with his family and is settling done with OW... I will not give him the satisfaction of me texting during his time with her.
I did exercise again tonight.
Still knitting socks.
Focusing on what I can do tomorrow to make it a better day for myself and someone else.
Trying my best to keep my focus on me this morning.
Will be heading into work soon. We are no were close to peaking with this virus.
By a twist of fate I have the afternoon off so I'll be able to get some exercise in early and knit. Maybe tackle a deep clean of the kitchen.
I'm working with my emotions this morning and want to work them out here later. I didn't text at all yesterday. Today marks Day 5 of not hearing anything from H. My mind is still at the place wondering if H checked his phone frequently looking for any contact from me ---- I know my H, he was too busy with friends and family to give me any of his thought process. I know I am not supposed to be dwelling there.
I've been doing some self help work books... and I keep having those Aha moments on where I could have done and handled things differently. I'm not letting H off the hook - he could have done things differently too but I can see how what I thought were my good intentions/motives led to his perception of feeling dismissed, rejected and not respected. The crazy thing is I respected my husband a ton... thought he was super sexy... so smart.
Its just sometimes you play your bad behavior off each other... he would get upset and get angry... I would respond by barking back... Of course nothing got solved and now we are both angry. Sometimes one person just has to get off the merry go round and start to behave differently so their spouse will start to mirror them not the other way around.
