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Pommy99 Offline OP
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So I have seen H today and he has asked if I will take him back.

I asked what has changed in the last couple of weeks. He said he can’t explain but something has flicked a switch and he realises he loves me and is in love with me. He says things he couldn’t imagine before (us as lovers) he can now see . He wants to be my husband, to shower me with love, affection, be my lover, do all the things to make me feel special. He says he’s been so focussed on me and my role in the relationship that he has overlooked his role, and his contribution to making the M work. He wants to be my partner as we grow older.

I said it’s not as simple as just taking him back, and I need to think about what I want. I said we have danced this dance (pursuer-distanced) many times before and I don’t want to play anymore. He said he can see how it has been, that he’s always felt love for me but something missing has held him back. Now he feels like everything he wants is right there.

The cynic inside should be asking how can you just flick a switch to turn on your feeling again, but I can 100% vouch for the fact that it is possible. 15 months ago we went out for dinner, we were at rock bottom, we hated each other, we hadn’t been intimate for a year and I was convinced the conversation would be about D/S. What actually happened was we had a brilliant night, I saw the man I had fallen in love with, we ended up in bed for a whole weekend and it felt amazing and I was in love again. Unfortunately he found it hard to,understand how I could go from no sex for a year to wanting him so much literally overnight. ( It was about a month after that that I found out about the EA. )

In spite of that, I am wary. I feel in control, I feel like I have seen glimpses of my original H, the one I loved deeply, not the sh1tbag of the last 12 months.

He got very emotional explaining about how he felt and how he had hurt me. But now he is seeing the me that he fell in love with, the confident, happy person. He wants to be a proper husband, and treat me the way I deserve. He wants to love me and for me to love him in the way he wants to love me.

He came back to the house after the walk and helped me finish the patio heater. I dropped him home and we pecked on the lips and that was it.

I feel a bit giddy, excited perhaps. This is definitely the most genuine I have seen him in 12 months of wishy-washy confusion. All it seems to have taken is a dress and a pair of heels! No discussion or Qs about if I had OM. I feel calm but a little bit fearful of him changing his mind. He said he feels certain. But I’ve heard that before.

So DBers....what next? How do I play this?


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
H asked to reconcile: Jun 2020
EA relapse: Oct/Nov 2020
Recon #2: since Nov 2020
Joined: Mar 2020
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Originally Posted by Pommy99
Beth, I think I have transitioned from the fear stage to feeling that I will be ok either way. I still have wobbles, but my IC is helping me move forwards. I can see now how wrong and unfulfilling it would have been to keep him home through guilt, fear. He has said before if he comes back, he needs to know he is coming back for me. Last time (4 weeks ago) he didn’t feel like it was for the right reasons and he ran away again. And I learnt from that that I don’t want someone who isn’t sure how they feel about me, or who,isn’t committed to at least giving it 100% effort


It's so funny you mention that, because when I read through your sitch, that hit me, because my H has said something very similar: that he has to be sure its for good when he decides to come back, because he doesn't want to leave again. I understand why he feels that way, but me understanding it doesn't take away from the hurt of it all. At least for me, it's impacted me a lot thinking about that. I feel the exact same way...I want someone who wants to be with me, who feels good about me and us together, and who is committed.


I'm 40, H is 36. No kids. No infidelity of which I'm aware.
Mini BD January 2020 -- not sure if he wants to try anymore
BD March 2020 -- separation
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Last edited by job; 06/01/20 11:28 AM. Reason: added link to new thread

Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
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