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OS2 #2890986 03/30/20 05:39 PM
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Originally Posted by OS2
Does the WW go back to normal over time?

What you experienced as "normal" ended like this--so I hope not! The future would just repeat itself. If you R successfully, by the time you R, one of you or probably both of you, will undergo real changes.


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

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Originally Posted by CWarrior
Originally Posted by OS2
Does the WW go back to normal over time?

What you experienced as "normal" ended like this--so I hope not! The future would just repeat itself. If you R successfully, by the time you R, one of you or probably both of you, will undergo real changes.

Thank you.

Last edited by OS2; 03/30/20 06:07 PM.
OS2 #2890997 03/30/20 06:37 PM
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OS2, it sounds like you are handling things well, so good job in not just rolling out the red carpet and standing at the end with open arms. She is NOT ready to come back to the M. All the stuff she's telling you is "you are still Plan B, but I'm not sure if Plan A is going to work out so I might be interested in falling back to Plan B if I have to." And no, that is not acceptable. YOU need to be Plan A in her eyes, not just a safety net.

And all of this stuff she's agreeing to, don't believe it for a second. I think she's just trying to manipulate you, it's not genuine. She may be on her way to really wanting the M again, but she hasn't hit rock bottom yet.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
OS2 #2891003 03/30/20 07:01 PM
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Thanks AnotherStander. Itís just so unreasonable itís making me want to give up on her. I just keep patience and let it fizzle out with OM despite her thinking heís wonderful and basically what feels like in the early stages of a relationship with him? I do wonder if sheís told him itís over between me and W for good too so heís giving her early relationship attention while telling me it wonít last and she will come back. Itís just hard to justify wanting to put up with that now. Before when it was played down I had a better shot at taking it. Now it feels more serious itís making me want to quit.

OS2 #2891005 03/30/20 07:14 PM
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OS,

Thatís because you listen to her words. This is a reoccurring theme for you O. Not to mention what it sounds like to me is that you are ok sharing your W for a little while but not long term WTF???

Look I know this is hard. Also please remember that even if the affair ends that doesnít mean sheíll want to come back to the marriage.

Get a really good lawyer.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
OS2 #2891009 03/30/20 07:33 PM
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LH19, no of course Iím not ok with it but I feel DBíing when it feels like W is basically trying out a relationship with OM just makes me feel itís crazy to be busying myself with anything other than the relationship and not filing for D. Iíve got a good L. Iíll wait for a bit, see if anything changes then file I think.

OS2 #2891014 03/30/20 07:39 PM
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OS,

Knowing what I know from experience and with the fact you have no children. I would file.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
OS2 #2891019 03/30/20 08:22 PM
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Originally Posted by OS2
I just keep patience and let it fizzle out with OM despite her thinking heís wonderful and basically what feels like in the early stages of a relationship with him?


It's like LH said earlier, you gave her your terms. You made it clear to her she needs to work on herself and earn your trust and interest back. Where you go from here is to pull WAY back. No more R talks. You focus on you and you alone. If she pings you then remind her that you've already had that conversation and now both of you need time to work on yourselves and decide what you really want. So yes be patient. No don't wait for things to fizzle out. Don't want for her at all. Just keep moving forward.

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I do wonder if sheís told him itís over between me and W for good too so heís giving her early relationship attention while telling me it wonít last and she will come back. Itís just hard to justify wanting to put up with that now. Before when it was played down I had a better shot at taking it. Now it feels more serious itís making me want to quit.


Don't lay awake at night pondering what she's thinking and what her words mean. You'll just drive yourself crazy. She's still stuck in the affair fog and flip-flopping around on what she really wants. As LH said, quit focusing on her words and watch her actions. She SAID she'll break it off with OM. She SAID she wants to work on the M. She SAID she's going to seek out IC. But has she DONE anything? No, she hasn't. And even if she does do those things, for one or two days or a week is not enough. WAS's will often do these things and then slip right back into their cheating ways in a few days or a week. You need to see consistent, changed behavior for months before you can start to believe it.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
OS2 #2891028 03/30/20 08:57 PM
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Originally Posted by OS2
itís crazy to be busying myself with anything other than the relationship and not filing for D.

Filing for D is compatible with DB'ing, as long as you're doing it because you want that separation--consistently, many days in a row--NOT because you want to shock her or wake her up. If you have the emotional strength for this (rather than discuss, threaten, change your mind)--it makes sense.

You say it's crazy to focus on making yourself a better and more attractive person, that you should be focusing instead on this woman who's cheating on you with another guy. What would that look like?


May'19 - separation. | Dec'19, Oct'20, Jan'21 - painful breakups. | Jan'21 - freedom!
"We the ones who play hard, we live hard, we love hard, we light up the dark." -- Kesha

OS2 #2891179 04/01/20 07:38 PM
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So, I moved out all of W's stuff last night and took it round to her parents. W messaged me a few hours before to tell me she would intentionally be out as she would be too emotional. Her parents seemed sad, I tried to hold back the emotion.


I'm sure it was very tough on you, as well as her parents.

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Once I got back W messaged and said she wanted to see me to talk. I said I didn't think there was anything to talk about but said she could come over if she wanted.


Well, that's a typical move from a WW. Wished you had simply told her there was nothing else to talk about, and not invited her over.

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W came over, and started by telling me all the ways I have disappointed her and what she's found difficult over the last few weeks. A lot of distorted logic and over-actions to things I've recently said


Okay, I want you to pay close attention here. Do you see what I see? She wanted to meet to talk, and she immediately starts in on you......and how you've disappointed her. This is the arrogance and self-centeredness of a WW. This is also a big red flag that she is not ready to reconcile, b/c she isn't accepting responsibility for her affair. She's trying to twist things around.

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But then she broke down and said she doesn't want a D and doesn't think she can live without me. It all came out that she has strong feelings for OM, feels like she is infatuated and has seen him a few times over the last few months, including being intimate and is in contact a lot (which I presumed to be the case).


She wants to have time pursuing her affair with OM, but she wants you on standby for the day the affair fizzles out. She admits to being intimate with him, but has the audacity to tell you she doesn't think she can live without you.

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She said she thinks about me all the time when she's with OM.


sick Oh please! Is that suppose to make you feel better, or make her having sex with another man less disrespectful to you and the marriage? These type statements from a WW just make me angry, b/c she is trying to manipulate your feelings and keep you on the back burner.

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Essentially she said she is trapped and needs help and support and that she isn't strong enough.


It's a trap of her own making, and you can't give her support until she ends all contact with OM. That's it.

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She said she didn't want to tell me the extent of her feelings in an attempt to minimise the damage. OM wants a relationship with her I think but has apparently let her go without chasing previously.


Oh, how considerate of her......trying to minimize the damage. Frankly, I think it is WW b.s.

OM letting her go, creates more attraction. Something I wish LBH's would understand they need to do the minute they discover WW is in an affair.

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I told her since finding out she's been seeing him behind my back I've emotionally checked out of the relationship and have been seeking legal advice. Pictures taken down, her stuff out of the house, taken off my W ring. I told her I would think about what she had said.


Think about what she said? Which part, exactly? Did I miss something?

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She also said she would end it permanently with OM. I said if she did that she would need to do it with me involved. She said she would want to do it in person, I said that wouldn't be an option, she agreed. I told her she would have a long road ahead of work to do if she wanted me back and I wasn't sure. She said she thought she wouldn't find it that difficult because she would set her mind to it. She also said she would need to cut large groups of friends out of her life to honestly R which she has never said before and I know are really important to her. That also includes changing gyms and making some major lifestyle changes. She said she can't believe how badly she's treated me and feels she's been very cruel and cold which she didn't think she was capable of. I agreed.


She was making a lot of contradicting statements. She had also said she thought about letting you go. So, how are you suppose to know what she means?

Did she know what you meant by telling her you would need to be involved? If she is being completely honest in the above quote, it sounds much better than that other stuff she was uttering. Doesn't mean she'll put any action to it.

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She is so changeable day to day (just like I've been) she needs to prove herself over a sustained period before I will consider next steps. In just 1 week she has told me she wants to make it work, then broken it off with OM, then changed her mind, gone out with him, been caught, decided her M was probably over, wondered about dating again and then come crying back.


Well, she can't decide which man she wants. She was hoping you would hang around until she figured it out. I think it will be extremely hard for her to break it off with OM. IMHO, the WW who truly wants to save her M, needs a support system to help her through the days/weeks/months after ending the affair. She'll be like a drug addict craving a fix.

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So I'm sceptical of everything she has said and I know she could just be bouncing off the idea of losing me.


Yes, you need to be skeptical, b/c she is acting on her emotions. When you took her belongings to her parents' house, it began to feel a little more real. However, this doesn't mean she's going to straighten up and do the right thing. Did she give you a sincere apology? Did she verbally commit to the M? IDK, but she doesn't sound very remorseful. Maybe confused, but I'm not sure she regrets the affair. As long as she's contacting OM, I don't think she'll regret it.

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Latest - W says she doesn't want a D and wants some space to sort her head out.


That's WW code, meaning she doesn't want YOU pressuring her. In other words, she wants her cake and eat it too.

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I don't want to enter a period of stalemate now though with the D looming. It makes me want to give her an ultimatum as I don't want to drag this out now. I feel she needs direction and is asking me for support and help to straighten herself out. My instinct is she has to do that on her own though? She seemed to intimate last night that she doesn't want a D but she's not sure she wants to be with me and would rather have some time on her own. I just find this confusing.


I kind of feel that a stalemate is exactly what will come, if you tell her you will wait for her to decide which man she wants. You are in a marriage, not a competition. She isn't the prize. Based on your post, she did not commit. Unless I missed it, she did not ask for your help. She did not apologize or show any remorse. She mainly just said she didn't want a D.

She has two main things working against her right now. Emotions and confusion. She went over there to talk you out of filing for D, and left without a plan of action. Yes, she said she'd end things with OM, but then she wanted space to sort things out. So, I don't think she'll come to a firm decision on her own as long as she knows you are waiting.

Ultimatums don't usually work well with WW's, but if you are fed up enough........that's up to you. Just don't give it and then cave.

If I were the LBH, and knew what I know about WW's.........I'd probably tell her there was no need for her to sort things out, and then I'd go file those papers. But that's just me, and it's your life.....not mine.

((hugs))


It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
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