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A Message from Michele
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#2890792 03/28/20 05:21 PM
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So, I moved out all of W's stuff last night and took it round to her parents. W messaged me a few hours before to tell me she would intentionally be out as she would be too emotional. Her parents seemed sad, I tried to hold back the emotion. Once I got back W messaged and said she wanted to see me to talk. I said I didn't think there was anything to talk about but said she could come over if she wanted.

W came over, and started by telling me all the ways I have disappointed her and what she's found difficult over the last few weeks. A lot of distorted logic and over-actions to things I've recently said which I think may have just been excuses in her head for how she's acted. But then she broke down and said she doesn't want a D and doesn't think she can live without me. It all came out that she has strong feelings for OM, feels like she is infatuated and has seen him a few times over the last few months, including being intimate and is in contact a lot (which I presumed to be the case). Said she has broken it off with OM 3 times already including Sunday when she came home upset. We talked about all the usual A characteristics - "he understands me", "I'm different around him", "spark was gone" etc. I said that was all pretty usual. She said she thinks about me all the time when she's with OM. Essentially she said she is trapped and needs help and support and that she isn't strong enough. I validated. She said a few times she was shocked at how much I understood her, the situation and how understanding I was. Turns out I was right about nearly all of it, even at a deeper level as to precisely what the A gave her. She said she didn't want to tell me the extent of her feelings in an attempt to minimise the damage. OM wants a relationship with her I think but has apparently let her go without chasing previously.

She said after I found out she thought she might be best letting me go and trying to be single for a while. I said it was inevitable a relationship with OM would start in that case. She said she doesn't see a future with OM.

I told her since finding out she's been seeing him behind my back I've emotionally checked out of the relationship and have been seeking legal advice. Pictures taken down, her stuff out of the house, taken off my W ring. I told her I would think about what she had said.

She also said she would end it permanently with OM. I said if she did that she would need to do it with me involved. She said she would want to do it in person, I said that wouldn't be an option, she agreed. I told her she would have a long road ahead of work to do if she wanted me back and I wasn't sure. She said she thought she wouldn't find it that difficult because she would set her mind to it. She also said she would need to cut large groups of friends out of her life to honestly R which she has never said before and I know are really important to her. That also includes changing gyms and making some major lifestyle changes. She said she can't believe how badly she's treated me and feels she's been very cruel and cold which she didn't think she was capable of. I agreed.

I know it's all "she said" above ^ . I know I'm guilty of this. Believe nothing she says and half of what she does. So I'm sceptical of everything she has said and I know she could just be bouncing off the idea of losing me. I'm not rushing into anything now. She is so changeable day to day (just like I've been) she needs to prove herself over a sustained period before I will consider next steps. In just 1 week she has told me she wants to make it work, then broken it off with OM, then changed her mind, gone out with him, been caught, decided her M was probably over, wondered about dating again and then come crying back.

Sandi - could really do with your help here! Living separately, changeable from day to day. It feels like she is on the brink of properly wanting to come back but she still isn't ready yet and has a lot of work to do. I wouldn't be sure how to handle a R. I'm in 2 minds anyway now.
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Originally Posted by 'LH19'
Looks like youíre a glutton for punishment. Iíll say one word to you. ACTIONS

Yep, on both counts.

Latest - W says she doesn't want a D and wants some space to sort her head out. I don't want to enter a period of stalemate now though with the D looming. It makes me want to give her an ultimatum as I don't want to drag this out now. I feel she needs direction and is asking me for support and help to straighten herself out. My instinct is she has to do that on her own though? She seemed to intimate last night that she doesn't want a D but she's not sure she wants to be with me and would rather have some time on her own. I just find this confusing.

Last edited by OS2; 03/28/20 05:26 PM.
OS2 #2890794 03/28/20 05:48 PM
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OS,

Itís confusing to you because you listen to her BS. Itís not confusing to us because weíve seen this hundreds of times. Words mean nothing in these situations. She wants to see where things go with OM and have you sit by and be good little boy while she decides. Once she sees a future with OM then your history.

Look man I know this is tough but unfortunately in these situations once you show weakness you are basically screwed.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
OS2 #2890879 03/29/20 07:08 PM
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W has messaged saying she's been thinking about me and she's looking at IC. She says she is in a mess and needs to sort herself out. I sent a message back to tell her what I expect her to do to save the M and said I won't feel like talking to her anymore unless she is making steps towards it. Includes letter to OM, passwords etc, IC, changing friendship groups and NC with OM. W said she can do that. She said the difficult bit will be keeping it up. If she doesn't I'll probably file (but I haven't told her that). She's also asked what parts of the M will change if we started again (bringing up a few issues from the M). I validated and said we would sort out any problems that led to the A (if we get that far). I'm NC now until action.

Last edited by OS2; 03/29/20 07:13 PM.
OS2 #2890907 03/29/20 09:29 PM
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No more communication until you start seeing steps in the right direction. Also, donít keep repeating your requirements. She knows.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
OS2 #2890910 03/29/20 11:03 PM
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OS2, be strong. I am trying too and know how hard it is. But you said yourself that if you could do it all over again you would stick to your boundaries and NC. Now is the time. Nothing to lose at this point. Whenever I feel myself becoming weak, or wanting to reach out to her, I tell myself it is an emotion and not what I really want to do. It is hard. But convince yourself at the moment you can wait a few hours before you act on emotion. By then, you usually talk yourself out of it.

We are two lost ships in a storm. We don't know our way out but the vets have provided us their compass (DB'ing and advice). Let's follow the compass until we get out of this instead of blindly steering the ship off course.

Be strong when I know it is hard to do. But you can do it.

OS2 #2890921 03/30/20 03:21 AM
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Hey OS! You know you are dealing with an addict there, right? Be prepared for the up and downs of that voyage. You both need to sail those waters. Hope you use the same boat.

Be strong there man! Keep DB and eyes wide open.


WW H(me): 51
W: 47
T: 26 M: 21
S: 16
Piecing since 03/2016
Saw the light in the storm
OS2 #2890966 03/30/20 04:12 PM
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Thank you LH19, kto626, neffer. As more and more has come out and W is still a WW she's been pushing me further and further away to a point where I am a lot less motivated to R. And I'm moving further away with everything - house emptied of her stuff, wedding ring off, NC.

The way W has acted - so thoughtless, selfish, continuing on talking/seeing OM it is hard to remember the person underneath who is being tortured by addiction and is acting out. W recently was telling me how much she has suffered through all this and how hard it's been on her.

I wonder whether Sandi could shed light on life after R, because I find her wayward behaviour so off-putting for the future. Does the WW go back to normal over time? Will the loving W who would do anything for me, loves me unconditionally and wouldn't dream of hurting me that I remember ever re-appear? Last time I spoke to W, (after saying how much she didn't want a divorce) she said she couldn't imagine being with any other AP than OM (how sweet..) She doesn't want a divorce but seems to be weighing up "what she will get" from R. So selfish, it really puts me off making it work with her if she's not going to look back on things like that with utter shame.

OS2 #2890970 03/30/20 04:39 PM
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OS,

Let me guess you initiated another R talk? Fool me once shame on me fool me ten times well you know the rest. You have a tough time following directions donít you? As far as your W going back to your old wife. That is probably not gonna happen but obviously no one knows what the future holds. Unfortunately you have a really long time before you will see any remorse from her. You seem like an impatient guy so Iím guessing this isnít going to work for you. Iím thankful there are no children involved in your situation. You have some decisions to make because right now you are the definition of insanity.

Good luck O!


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
OS2 #2890979 03/30/20 05:01 PM
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smile No LH19, I've not been in touch with her, I've been NC for a few days now, and will continue to be until I see some action. End of. I am just thinking through how she has acted that's all. When I last saw W she explained how much she is infatuated with OM etc. which she'd never said before and always played it down.

I've just been reading Sandi's first thread and she was exactly the same as my WW, it's amazing to read. Feeling trapped etc. Last week W asked me for help to know what to do and to fix the mess she'd got herself in and was going on about how terrible she feels all the time. Just sounds exactly the same.

OS2 #2890982 03/30/20 05:09 PM
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Thereís a reason we call it a script.

Sandis affair was long distance and it took her two years to warm up to her husband again.

If you donít have infinite patience then youíre in the wrong game.

My sitch went 3.5 from bomb drop to D final.


M:51 W:46
T:22 M:16
S:15 D:11

ďDon't chase people. Be yourself, do your own thing and work hard. The right people - the ones who really belong in your life - will come to you and stay.Ē- Will Smith
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