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It really is crazy out there. The positive cases in our hospital are going up, we are running out of what we need, and the stress level is though the roof. Us case managers and social workers are having a hard time discharging our patient's because post- acute facilties won't take them and they can't go home.
Then this happened today: I get called down to the big bosses office. It turns out that someone who was exposed to 2 positive people unprotected was working in what they call the "fishbowl" which is a small office with a few desks and we work there on the weekend. I worked saturday. They had to inform us. We don't have to quarantine, they still are fine with us working 6 INCHES away from our coworkers. They want us to monitor our temp and symptoms for the next 2 weeks, but go on as we were. I just had this overwhelming stress go through me. I was scared. And frustrated that we can't work from home, when we actually can do our job from home because we are prohibited from most of the bedside now, especially me, because my unit is the COVID unit. But they don't care. Beginning today, all employees get their temp taken upon entry to the hosptial.
It's just stressful. And I feel like if I am going to be in the hospital this stressed anyways, you might as well put me back at the bedside and help where needed.
I'm on day 8 out of 11 in a row at work today. I am tired. But I came home, took D12 and the dog to the park and we did couch 2 5K. We are going ot watch a new show now.
We will all make it through. But lord, I need a break
Last edited by job; 03/25/2002:58 PM. Reason: added link to previous thread
I had a disturbing dream last night. I had a dream I was supposed to go on a trip with E and I was at home packing for it and who shows up? M shows up, He really wanted me back and he told me he did really love me and would never hurt me again and it was the real deal. I felt torn in the dream between getting back with him and staying with E. Then I woke up.
I know I said that I wanted a guy who had grown kids because I couldn't handle another loss of a family unit again. But I really miss it. I miss what we had as a "family" with M. M is also very opposite M. Not just towards me, but as a guy. M was your manly man. Hiked, fished, kayaked, snowboard, couldn't fix everything and anything, and was just ruggedd. Huge turn on. E is kind of wimpy, has some night maintenance qualities, likes the good things in life very spoiled, couldn't fix anything, and i probably would save him from death before he was able to save me. It's taking some getting used to. But he is totally into me. He isn't love avoidant. But he is.........weak, A self proclaimed people please, super nice guy, doesn't speak up, etc. But he is sweet, He is interested in me. He is funny. He never gets offended.
I will tell the truth. I know M wasn't treating me the way he should. But I actually thought we had a real future. I think a a part of me hasn't let go of what we built as a "family", I miss it.
I'm clearly a confused woman. And I think maybe I am just meant to be alone.
Well, I had another dream about him last night. I won't detail it, but they are so vivid. He basically lied and screwed me over in it, so maybe that answers my question.
So, I think my ex MIL has COVID. Ive been suspecting it for a few days. Last night he called and she has increasing fever and increasing weakness. SHe was on antibitotics but for a sustpected infection, But they aren't helping. Even if it isn't COVID, she should she go to the hospital. I'm worried about her. He said his sister is being an idiot and she thinks she will be just fine. She is a 65 year old woman who is involved in a community program that supports her living (she is a shcizophrenic). I told him to go get her and bring her. His answer "no way am I putting her in my car!!!" I'll call an ambulance! I said she will get tuck with a big bill. I said glove and mask the both of you up and get her. They didn't and they will today supposedly. I just told him if she can drive herself, I'll meet her at the ED,
I am beginning ot get jealous of those who are working from home. I am tired and I want to stay here! I am off this weekend and D12 and I will chill at home, hopfully get out for a hike, and build her closet. I look forward to staying awa from all of this.
I wish you guys could band together and demand to be allowed to work from home. Isn't there someone you can report the hazardous noncompliance of safety to? OSHA? someone? aside from the fact that I love you and want you to be safe, the bottom line from a practicality perspective is that if you guys get sick, you just add more problems to the mix - I hope that doesn't sound insensitive and you understand what I'm trying to say. this is beyond stupid and utterly incomprehensible. The safety and well being of staff should be of primary concern, for patient wellbeing as well as everyone else's too. UGH.
M 20+ T25+ S 15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 H moved out 4/24/15 D Final 12/23/16 When God gives you a new beginning don't repeat the same old mistakes. It's 2020, anything could happen; eat dessert first!!!!
Stay safe out there my friend. Practice whatever self-care you can.
It was interesting to read your comparison of M vs E. We established a long time ago that I'm not the sort of guy you are attracted to perhaps as I'm not particularly "manly" although I can fix pretty much anything
I've also been following along your musings here for quite some time so like to think that I have a perspective on what attracts you and what doesn't. What you describe as "manly" includes I think a level of confidence that some would perhaps view as arrogance. A touch of the "bad boy" perhaps. The guys who in high school would get the girls and go through them one after another while science nerds like me were left dateless (no I'm not bitter ) I would expect that they are perhaps statistically more likely to be divorced too. Again, just supposition.
I'm certainly detecting a number of things about E that you aren't respecting. And as we all know, without respect there is no possibility of having a solid relationship.
Anyhoo - enough of me micro-analyzing you. A couple of more days and you'll get a chance to rest a touch. I hope you and your D can unwind and reconnect. This is undoubtedly tough on you both. In the news flow that I can't seem to avoid, you are in one of the bigger hot-spots going right now.
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Manly I describe as a guy who is going to protect me even though I can protect myself. Speak up for me, not be a pushover but not be an ahole. Who is I am struggling with something around the house might be able to come over and help out. A guy who could rough it a little. Who takes a little bit of charge and doesnít leave everything in my hands.
Not a bad boy. Iím too old for a bad boy. I want a responsible take change not afraid to stand up for himself guy. He doesnít stand up for himself, his kids rule him, and yes, that decreases my respect. Absolutely. Itís like he doesnít respect himself. Just going along with everyone else Iím fear of rocking a boat i canít really respect too much. And definitely no arrogance. I hate arrogance. Confidence is separate from arrogance .
But I focus on the good. Heís kind and sweet and wants to make everyone happy. But when that is to detriment of himself and those who surround him, I have a hard time getting behind that.
Time will tell. I canít even see him. And right now is not a time to make rash decisions. But I will have to, because I know that he thinks we are a great couple that ďchecks all boxesĒ
Ginger, thanks to all of you on the frontlines of this effort. We appreciate the sacrifices and hard work. You are the unspoken heroes during these difficult times.
I have not been following your thread regularly but I recall your relationship with E started off well. Some of the things you mentioned about him should have been obvious on day 1. Yet, it was not an issue then but is an issue now. I am curious why you think this is the case?
If I could give one piece of advice, it would be to be patient and not say or do anything you may regret later. This is a stressful timw, especially for you. It likely hurts that he is not by your side at this time to comfort you. It is natural to have some resentment for him staying away from you because his kids wanted it. This may actually amplify your feelings of him not standing up for himself,more than usual.
I am not saying your concerns are not valid. It is possible you are realizing that you are not compatible once the initial limmerance wears off. But it does not hurt to give it time till things calm down especially since you won't be seeing each other for a while anyways.
E and I did start off well. I found he was a very nice guy. I was attracted to him. But as we had more and more dates, I noticed some of the things I mentioned. It started small. It was little things that showed his passiveness. Then I started noticing it in bigger areas of his life. Like with his kids. He has 2 teenage sons that literally walk all over him and rule him. They are spoiled and lazy. E caters to them and encourages it. He is actually scared of them. Well, one of them anyways. He is a self proclaimed people pleaser (I am to to an extent) and also a self proclaimed conflict avoider. One night i asked him to pick up sushi on the way. SOmething simple. He said "you chose the restuaruant , call in the order and I'll get it" and I am like no dude, take care of it! I did tell him that too.
And yes, him staying away because he kids wanted it has me a bit upset. ANd we had a big talk about that last night. My situation isn't going to change. I work in a hospital where COVID patients are. That isn't changing for months. But as we go on, I am now off that unit and it;s locked down. I no longer go into patient's rooms, I wear a mask. I wash my hands raw. We get our temp taken to enter the hospital, etc. Things are evolving. I didn't feel so protected last week, where it was my choice not to be around anyone. It's getting better. ANd I told him when I feel comfortable, that I am the most protected that I will be, I need him to be a man, and make the decision for himself that he feels confident in me and as his a father to tell his kids he will be seeing me again. He understood. He has some thinking to do. But he doesn't want us to end, I know that for sure.
And i made a promise to make no decisions and to be very patient during these times. Right now is not the time for a decision. I'm going ot be patient and kind.
I think of you often and can't even begin to imagine what your level of stress is during all this. I'm not even remotely qualified to give you advice I just wanted to say I hope you get some relief soon.
My situation isn't going to change. I work in a hospital where COVID patients are. That isn't changing for months.
Itís really interesting to me how all of this is bringing into focus what always was. I totally agree with your first sentence, but your second should have ended halfway though.
ďMy situation isnít going to change. I work in a hospital.Ē
That really sums it up. COVID is going to end at some point. We are going to more clearly see what the real risks have been all along. But something will replace it and youíve always been at higher risk. Yes you currently may have elevated risk but when the COVID patients are gone there will still be TB patients and H1N1 patients and MRSA patients And HIV patients and hepatitis patients and all sorts of other risks. This has ALWAYS been the case and always will. It wonít end in a couple months. It wonít ever end as long as you work in a hospital. I know Someone that nearly died from his hospital job. He contracted MRSA - they believe while repairing a hospital bed. He worked in hospital maintenance. He was very very sick for a long time and nearly died. Itís part of the gig and always has been. Itís just at times like this that we think about it more.
I went into houses that were on fire where you could not see the hand in front of your face. Itís part of what I did. Es kids, and to some level you, now take it much more seriously or perhaps worry about it more but you could bring something home to E and E could pass it to his kids that has nothing to do with COVID.
As for E, he is who he is. Heís not likely to change. Youíll have to decide whether or not who he is is who you can be with. Heís not going to grow a pair this late in life. Heís not going to turn alpha - not permanently anyhow. He may do it a little here and there, especially if he thinks he might lose you but he wonít change.
It doesnít sound like you miss him much when heís not around. You may miss having someone - but not him. Iíve heard you talk about, wow, a dozen guys perhaps over the years. Iíve seen how you think about them, how you feel. Itís just not like that with E. Heck youíre thinking more about M than you are E. Heís not your guy. Doesnít mean you canít continue whatever it is you guys are doing. Just be honest with him. That part is important. Donít lead him to believe something more is going to progress or happen if itís not. Itís not your fault what he may hope or dream for - just donít tell him you have feelings that you donít. The rest will work itself out.
Hang in there and thanks for doing your part. While most of the USA is not yet hit very hard, your area clearly is the hot spot of the country.
DonH Midwest Me 56 WAW-EXW 55 Met 11/95 / Married 5/00 Bomb 6/20/05 / She Filed on 6/2/06 / Divorced on 10/9/06 4 who'd qualify as GF since D & dated about 25 women since D