a new normal

[may22]

Thanks Pommy and Cardinal! Baking... I've been holding off because of all the stuffing of my face I did the first few weeks of this and I'm just not sure I can handle the temptation of bread and brownies and whatever else in the house. But, I was thinking of making pasta and my younger daughter really wants to make brownies, so... I"m sure I'll end up there soon. H made chocolate chip cookie bars with her last week and we snarfed them all down in a few days.

Patience... has always been my weakness. I am not a patient person, generally... so this is both good for me to practice patience and giving up control and letting things BE-- all things I am terrible at-- but is also so, so hard. I will say it is easier for me to slide back into the patience/just BEING mindset now than it was previously, thanks to DBing.

I think I've been better these last couple of weeks at setting aside the A feelings than I had been, but they're still there.. I'm just better at feeling them and letting them go before I take it out on H. I've been thinking less about AP and scenes of H with her (which are awful of course) and more about hurtful things that H said to me during the course of the A.

For instance, when he was in the A, my H kept saying that I had this outdated idea of M, that just because we made these promises to each other all those years ago shouldn't mean we're stuck forever, blah blah blah. I keep thinking back to that. I definitely agree that love is a choice, one you have to make every day, and of course you shouldn't be stuck in a bad or abusive marriage just because your young dumb self said I do. But. At the same time I did mean those things I said when we got married and I thought he meant them too. Looking at him today, listening to him, being with him-- I just have the hardest time reconciling the H that I thought he was, and the H he is acting like today, with the person who lied and cheated and broke that promise we made to each other. He was selfish, weak, immature. Was he always that way? Was it some combination of character weakness with the MLC-like situation that he couldn't handle?

I feel like he was hurting and depressed (and I know I do bear some responsibility for the issues we had, SSM etc) but he took the easy way out and came up with all these justifications for why he acted the way he did. I feel like when I was in the depths of the A or limbo or whatever, I felt like I could handle anything as long as he didn't drag the children into this by leaving. As long as he was just hurting me, I could handle it. NBD. Now that that particular crisis is over, I'm finding myself drawn back to the hurtful things he said during the A and having a harder and harder time dealing with them. I think I packed them all away in order to deal with the day-to-day insanity, and now I get to deal with them.

Maybe I won't be able to forgive him. Then what? I definitely know I can't if we don't ever talk about it or deal with the A. I know that I just need to focus on myself, what I can control, and when/if he's ready to accept the enormity of what he did and talk about it, we can start working on it. We'll get there when we get there, or we won't. And if we never do, then I have more decisions to make. I know he's on a different timeline than I am. Right now, all he can do is be present, be a good dad and partner. He simply can't yet deal with the rest of it.

One thing that was incredibly frustrating during the A is that he made up this ridiculous narrative and honed it with his IC that I dictated our entire lives together, that when we first met he was young and dumb and ate microwave meals. So basically everything in our lives, the fact that we cook real food and drink wine and eat out at restaurants was all dictated and controlled by me. This was infuriating and made me crazy, because it is patently untrue, and in fact all the biggest changes and decisions in our lives have been at least 50% if not more dictated by him-- moving across the country, house purchases, moving back, etc.

Anyway, he packed this particular narrative away but then the other day it came up again-- he was doing something in the kitchen, I tried to help (honestly, 100% to help, I didn't give a $hit how he actually did it but just got out the garbage for him) and he trotted it back out, I was trying to control how he cooked. We ended up talking about it later and I asked him to talk with his IC about it, that he needs to go back and examine this BS narrative he made up and challenge it, that in fact the very behaviors he complains about with me are actually behaviors he tends to display himself (he gets annoyed with how I load the dishwasher sometimes, for instance, because apparently there is a "right" way to do it in his mind and I'm not doing it that way).

To his credit, he listened, he didn't argue, he talked with her about it, said she'd given him some things to think about and work on, and I haven't heard it since. So that did give me a little hope, he is willing to listen and work on some of his own issues that make him a less-than-perfect H... maybe one day he will be ready to confront this huge thing he did that make him a really $hitty H. I think he just has such a hard time seeing himself as a person that would do such a terrible thing that he either wants to pretend it didn't happen or pretend it wasn't so bad and was justified. I wonder if this is something he can slowly start to deal with, or if one day all of a sudden it will hit him like a ton of bricks. Anyone know?

I don't consider what we're doing piecing, because I think we have to be both ready to deal with the A before we're there. I guess we are in reconciliation, since he ended the A (now almost 10 weeks ago) and has been explicit and unwavering that he is choosing the M ever since he made that decision (about 3 months ago). We are having more regular sex, mostly initiated by me, though he's an enthusiastic participant, and initiating is still a 180 that feels new for me, and something I'm doing for me, not for him or for any reaction from him. I don't know. I keep reading piecing threads about it being the hardest part. I believe it.

[Yail]

Oh May, I have so many thoughts, and if I'm very honest I've had a cocktail so I might be verbose. I apologize if I go down a rabbit hole.

About reliving things H said -

To revisit different parts of the trauma I believe is normal. I am reliving a few moments differently than I did when I was immediately removed from my sitch. My past 5 weeks I have revisited moments that I had initially buried in an effort to just get through. I just frame it as my mind doing the work when it is intended. We process different parts at different intervals and I think that is very, very normal. Just know that it's common. I think you will examine your sitch both in pieces and as a whole, and jump in and out of each perspective.

For instance, when he was in the A, my H kept saying that I had this outdated idea of M...

So, this is interesting to me as a D person. I'm finding that most people younger than me are poly. I was in a very strictly monogamous relationship. And I think that long term, I want the monogamy. It's what I think works best for me. But now that I'm single, I am considering the other side and other options because I never really have. I mean REALLY think about it. What assumptions am I making and bringing forward? What are my fears? Are they legitimate, or something I've brought over from a value system that isn't even mine? Why do I think monogamy is best for me, and polyamory not?

When I was newly single I reconsidered my sexuality. I thought it was important. Maybe I should be dating men? I mean, when was the last time I seriously considered that? And after much reflection I can safely say that yep- sorry - but I'm definitely gay But I needed to revisit my assumptions.

So, what my point in this is that your H may want to be reconsidering everything he had accepted in his life to learn who he truly is. And it may sound insane that he was questioning something as fundamental as your marriage. But what if everyone was constantly reconsidering our assumptions? I think we'd have much better communication, better outcomes. We'd be authentic, and less likely to hurt people we love. But it shouldn't have been done in the way he did. I'm advocating for consistent self check-ins, and subsequent communication with partners.

Maybe there are other assumptions about yourself you're reconsidering. Stating you were in a SSM, for instance. How you saw yourself before (perhaps as a mother?) vs who you see yourself as now (a woman? a sexual being? gosh forbid - a sexual being with wants that might be a little "frowned" upon in "polite" society but are actually the most normal thing in the world but honestly it turns out no one talks authentically about their own sex life so how would you know that?)

side bar: in my own life I'm insisting that I talk authentically with my friends about my sexuality and finances and other "taboo" subjects. I have found it has greatly strengthened our friendships and I feel like I'm not the only one. It turns out we really all do struggle with the same issues, just privately.

Maybe I won't be able to forgive him.

Don't write your own future before you have lived it.

And lastly, regarding your setting aside your feelings about the A. Your attempt at patience is good. I'm not saying bury things under the rug, these things won't go away if you don't address them. But you don't have to address them today. You really don't. Look at how far off we are from V-Day, and you are still being patient. What a feat! You can keep doing that. Because the progress is slow, but it is progress. And I think that your part in all of this is to meet your H "halfway" by giving him time. He has all the other work to do - which is a lot. Like, a LOT. Your work is hard because it's not all yours to do. It's dependent on another person, so you don't have control. H's work might be harder - he has to build back who he is as an entire person, and figure it out along the way.

[may22]

Hi Yail,

I always love your posts. They make me think.

Re assumptions and reconsidering them-- I agree with you. I'm not sure, though, that going into the A H was truly reconsidering the idea of M/monogamy and whether it was still the right choice for him. I think he was depressed, starved for affection and validation in a lot of areas, and found this young woman who wanted and needed him, wanted his advice, thought he was so great, etc etc. And without saying anything to me, he decided that because I wasn't interested in sex with him, I therefore no longer loved him, and he should see what it was like to pursue this R with the AP. He told me later he was almost testing himself by opening up the opportunity with the AP, and the fact that he was attracted to her meant that he must no longer be in love with me. And he deserved love, blah blah blah.

After he got himself involved in the A, he tried to post-hoc justify it by saying maybe M was an outdated social construct, that millennials don't believe in M, etc.-- not as a thoughtful reevaluation of himself but as an excuse to justify his own behavior. I know he did spend some time with his IC trying to figure out if he was non-monogamous or would be a serial cheater and they decided no, he was a monogamist at heart (having switched his romantic affections from me to the AP). I think the thing he was unable to really figure out (and one of the reasons he ended up staying) was how to reconcile the "best friend" relationship with me and how that fit into everything. Once it became clear to him that he would lose that with me if he continued to pursue the A, that was one of his big deciding factors in ending the A.

The thing I think is so strange is that the best friends/partners relationship is such a big part of the idea of a marriage and monogamy, to me. That there is this one person who you can totally be yourself with, who gets you, who is your teammate in this giant crazy world, and the "in love" part is just a tiny piece of that. Maybe I would feel differently if I had my own A and got to experience that "in love" feeling all over again. And we both have friends (me more than him, TBH... I actually think this was also part of the problem for him, maybe a problem for men more generally) that we can be honest with and have meaningful and interesting conversations with, that help us through the hard times. Yet he is the person who has seen me at my absolute worst and still shows up for me every day (or did... and still does... this is the hard part for me right now, reconciling all of this). I know that even with my very best friends I'm still not going to totally lay it all out there like I do with him.

I am definitely re-evaluating some of my own assumptions about myself, for the better, I think. The realization that I could be a mom AND have a sex drive was a big one. Also, that I'm not perfect, I have areas I want to work on for myself, that I haven't treated my H the way I would want to be treated. Those were biggies for me, being able to take responsibility for my side of the damage to our R.

Anyway, thanks for the post... still thinking about it. Made pasta, sourdough bread, and chocolate truffles this week!

[wayfarer]

Hey my dear May,

Just a few things for thought seeing as how self reflective you are about all of this.

-Patience, my god, patience. This has been and continues to be an exercise in patience for me and I think all women like us. Result oriented women are some how built for this, and not built at all for this. Expectations are a b*tch to over come. Especially the time line. How much more efficient would the world be if everyone ran on the time lines we have in our heads....lol. But you have this. You really do.

-I find the A excuses funny. I offered an open marriage. H3ll, it's still on the table. But my H can't handle the idea of me doing what he did, lol. That was a confrontation in the early days. I wonder how your H would've reacted if you would've turned around and said "you know what you're right, let's talk about an open marriage." I kind think that the idea of an other man touching you would've made him "reassess" immediately. The control thing though....

-Control. In my world it's been a double edged sword. In the beginning H claimed he couldn't have a friendship with a woman because I don't trust any of his female friends. Why? Well in reality we all know it wasn't because of the one pathetic reasons he stated. But that reason was the one time I refused a double date with one of his female friends whose divorce wasn't final, and who in a weird turn of events was dating the ex of a a friend of mine, the night before H was supposed to get on a plane for a trip for a week. We had 5 of his female friends at our wedding, and his best female friend stood up in our wedding with my best male friend. I never policed ever who he was with. I policed who I had to spend my time with. He also claimed I controlled the entire trajectory of our relationship. He ever so kindly framed it in a way where I gave him ultimatums throughout the entire relationship. So his only choices were do what I want or lose me. Sound familiar? But I know I was controlling in other ways. I know I like things my way. I know I micromanged things I had absolutely no reason to. But because of these damn stories they made up, it's difficult to navigate what my 180 needs to be and what is the line I need to draw in the sand. You've given me food for though on this one.

You guys seems to still be communicating well and navigating these hurdles fairly efficiently. Obviously you have a long road to go, but it seems like things are still on a good path.

Thinking of you often xoxo

[may22]

Hi guys,

I'm having some trouble today and would appreciate some advice if anyone is around.

Today is our 13th anniversary (lucky 13!). We have never given each other gifts but have always done something together-- out to dinner, a weekend away (if we could swing it around the time frame, if either of our parents were in town), etc. I woke up this morning just feeling really down. I thought about our last two anniversaries and how we "celebrated" them-- last year was right after the ILYB BD and I had already gotten a babysitter, H at first was like "why are we even doing this" and then when I said fine, I'll cancel, he said "then we'd just be sitting around here feeling awkward" so we ended up going out to dinner.

I've of course thought about that anniversary in the light of now knowing he was having an affair, but this morning was the first time I thought about the anniversary BEFORE and realized he also was having the affair then too. That year was in the depths of us fighting all the time and was actually right before we decided to see a MC. I'd thought about those times in relation to the fact he was in an A and how he was treating me, how we were fighting, etc., but not specifically about our anniversary through the lens of the A. I remember his parents were visiting us then and I told his mom I thought H was depressed and having a MLC. I remember being disappointed we didn't take the opportunity of his parents being in town to go to a hotel for a night (now I know why) and instead we went for a couple's massage and then out to dinner. It wasn't very fun.

The other tradition we always had... but fell apart in the last couple years (again now I understand why) was to pick out a song that represented that year for us, a song we both really loved, usually a love song/ballad. The first was the song we danced to at our wedding, then each year have added one. Usually around our anniversary or a bit after he would put together some possibilities for me to listen to, other years there would be a totally obvious choice. Two years ago, I suggested the Pink song Just Give Me A Reason, he said fine, he didn't seem to care, but I added it to the playlist. (Again. New lens on this. But to me it expressed what I hoped was happening.) Last year, we didn't pick one, but I'd been thinking about Shallow, but we just never had the conversation. This year, I just don't know what to do, if I should bring it up, just let it lie, see if he says anything about it, or not.

We haven't really thought or talked much about our anniversary this year. I woke up when my younger daughter crawled into bed to cuddle; H had an early morning work call. I laid in bed and just thought about all of this and how I should behave today-- do I say something? Let him say it first? After I got up he came in and went in for a kiss and a hug and said happy anniversary. I was startled with the kiss (this hasn't happened for a long time) and ducked it automatically. He started hugging me and said what's wrong? I didn't respond-- he asked if it was our daughter (who was saying mommy come back!) and I said no, he asked again what was wrong, I said I just felt weird. He said OK and hugged me.

Later in the morning he came by and gave me a backrub unsolicited while I was working at my computer and said happy anniversary again. He keeps coming by to check on me and is being sweet, I know he's a little worried about how I feel.

I don't know why I feel so down today. This past week we've had some conversations in which I've shared a little about how I feel, and they've gone much better than in the past. He hasn't gotten defensive and I haven't pushed it. We've had a couple small spats and he's apologized and taken responsibility for his own part (as have I) which feels good.

If I can separate my emotions from the situation, I know all the same things I keep telling myself-- patience (right WF???); things continue to improve between us; while he's not yet opening up to talk about the A that flash of anger and defensiveness has gone; we're actually getting along ridiculously well given all the circumstances; he's showing more and more of both my primary LL (acts of service) and his own (physical touch). So I know I just need to keep patient, stay the course, focus on myself and let go of that which I can't control. But I still feel down.

So... any practical advice on how to handle the actual anniversary today? I'm thinking of just going with the flow and seeing what he does. I don't know that it would be helpful for me to open up about how I'm feeling unless he asks... but I'm pretty sure he will ask unless I act happy. Which I don't really feel at the moment. He has come in twice to just say hi and I can tell he's gauging my responses to see if I'm happy or not... so far I've tried to perk up and act fine.

[wayfarer]

Here's what I have for you being on the WW side of this and looking at our own anniversary coming up in just shy of 30 days here. Clean slate means clean slate. MR 2.0 means 2.0. Throw your old traditions out the window. Start fresh. He is thinking about you today even if he didn't the last 2 years. He is showing you and telling you. If you keep fighting against it, especially today, you're going to end up in an unnecessary fight. You are totally entitled to the feelings you have surrounding today. And I know you guys haven't worked through the A in totality yet. But I strongly suggest you try to put the weight the A had has on your MR for the last 2 years on the shelf, at least for today. If you truly want to move forward MC or not you will have to let this this go little by little. So just for today take the world off your shoulders Atlas, and enjoy your day. You can pick it back up tomorrow. But for today ask your H how he'd like to celebrate today? Pick something together. This is the very first anniversary of MR 2.0 even if your not 100% there yet. It deserves to be recognized. And if you'd still like to add a song to the list might I suggest: Don't Give Up On Me by Andy Grammer or Let's Make it Better by Anderson .Paak

[Traveler]

Hi May,

He's making an effort--saying Happy Anniversary twice, kissing you, giving you a back rub. I think you mentioned one of his fears was that you could never forgive him. Are you happy he's there and trying? If so, I'd reciprocate in some way, even if it's as simple as making a dinner he likes, a scalp/foot massage, watching a grown-up movie with wine, etc. Something to show he's on the right track.

My GF is working through that I dated someone else. She's learning it's okay for it to feel hurt, for her to recognize and let the feeling pass through her, but she can't dwell on it. I don't expect her to pretend to always be happy. I wonder if you can similarly show your life is happier he's returned, even if it doesn't wipe away all the pain, even if he's not talking about the affair so it's not the reconciliation you want yet.

[Yail]

I can imagine that trying to make today about your anniversary to be immensely tough. I see what Wayfarer is saying about 2.0

what about instead of focusing on today being your anniversary in a traditional sense, you instead think of today as just being a really good/fun/focused day with H. No pressure on the traditions or what an anniversary *should* be. Maybe don't worry about the fancy usual things - dinner, back rubs, reminiscing, music.

What can be new? Don't worry about it being a tradition. Just something a little extra in which you attempt to turn towards one another.

Have any jokes you've heard lately you can just walk in and deliver? Even better if they're the kind that make you laugh when telling them - two people laughing is a bonding moment.

Any silly videos you think he'd like on the internet? Go up and show him and say "oh, thought of you and how silly this is".

Be ridiculous. Make a fort out of blankets and pillows and bring a bottle of wine and invite him in to hang out with you for a while. Tell him the pandemic and anniversary had you feeling like a little levity would be nice.

I guess my suggestion is this: Try to find a little way to let him in. Be the initiator in this. But don't worry about the "should" dos of the day. I think he would appreciate the invitation.

[may22]

Thanks, Wayfinder and CW. I know you're both right. Today is just harder than usual to shake this bummer feeling.

I just looked in the fridge and he put the really good beers in there that he's been saving for awhile. And last night was talking about what he was going to make for dinner tonight, something special (though I think more to do with the fact we got our CSA box yesterday and there were some pretty great ingredients in there).

Wayfinder, the idea of this being the first anniversary of M2.0 really struck me. I guess part of the reason I'm reacting poorly right now is that it doesn't yet feel like we have embarked on M2.0 and I don't feel like we will until we've dug into the A and excised all that poison the best we can.

The last time we saw the MC (holy c**p, now more than two months ago... WOW) and he didn't want to talk about what happened when he broke it off with her in person, he said he felt like I wanted him to burn all the boats and move forward. I was like, right. Duh. He said he just wasn't ready to burn the boats. And I guess I am not ready to call this M2.0 until he burns the boats.

Now, I definitely think he is in a much, much different place than he was then-- even now, thinking about sitting there in the MC's office and having that conversation, I know things have changed a lot. And from his behaviors and responses to me when stuff does come up, I think he's a lot closer to burning the boats than he was. He might even be ready. But I can't say we are in M2.0 until he can look me in the eyes and tell me he loves me, he wants to be with me-- not me the mom of his kids or me his best friend, but me as his wife and partner in life and all that entails. That he's willing to do whatever it takes and tell me whatever I need to know to move forward, and to face that part of himself that lied and cheated and was the exact kind of person he always despised. TBH, I think he's ready to put the AP in the past and focus on us. He's been doing that for awhile now. I just don't think he's ready to face himself.

Maybe this is our anniversary of M1.5. I still totally take both of your advice to heart and think you're right, I need to put all those feelings to the side and be present and have gratitude for what I do have, which is a lot.

[wayfarer]

I hope things went well yesterday. I hope the fancy beer was amazing and you guys had a lovely meal and some grown up time

You kinda had my wheels spinning for you yesterday, so I just want to poke the bear here for a second. And maybe it's something you can discuss further with IC. I in no way want you to sweep H's bs under the rug and just go on like nothing happened. That is super unhealthy, and so 1950s housewife. But as former WW and as a LBS now i just want to mention a couple things.

You know you will have to let this go someday if you want that MR 2.0. My bff tells me this every time I get caught up in my anger or fear. And I'm starting to make it a mantra on my road to forgiveness. There is going to come a point in the future where you have to deal with your pain, and fear all alone without involving H any more. He can't be beholden to your process over the A forever. And that's a sh!tty thing to say. Because let's be real he should be. But if you want to move past this and get to that MR 2.0 in full there really will come a time when you have to be alone with those feelings and process them and not drag him in to it, because your negative feelings about the A are going to go on far longer than his negative feelings about reinvesting in the MR. Yesterday I wasn't asking you to walk away from those feelings forever. Just shelf them for a day. Trying living your life like that for just one day. Partly to make it a nice day for you, but also so you can see that one foot in front of the other thing that I think we all miss sometimes.

As to your vision of MR 2.0. I love ya, but I'm going call you on expectations. MR 2.0 is already started in sorts. MR 1.0 died long before you even knew it was dead. I'll give you that this is MR 2.0 beta testing. LOL. Working through the bugs and glitches in programming. But a year ago he was a warm body in your house. Now, right now, he's there, he's trying, in his way, but he's trying. You look at where you were a year ago and 2 years ago and see all this loss and pain. When I read that I thought, my god, look how far he's come. What a d!ck he was...couldn't even pull it together for a day, and today he's trying so hard and my May can't get out of her head long enough to see how badly he wants her to enjoy the day. I just want to warn you, that he is never going to say he's sorry exactly the way you want him to. He's never going to say I love you exactly the way you want him to. He never going to face his bs on your timeline or process it in the way you'd really like him to. It's all going to be on his time table and in his way at first. It a long road before he'll be ready to show and do things the way you'd like them to be, and then again he may never. This is a meet people where there at thing. He owes you a lot of explaining, and reassurances, and apologies, but there's a good chance all of that is going to come in his way and not yours. Are you going to be able to accept that? And the bigger question I have for you is, are you going to be able to set your pain, fear, anger, frustration etc. over all he's put you though long enough to see when he's giving you those things on his terms?