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Happy Birthday H. I miss you.

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Genuine fear...

I truly wanted to reach out to H yesterday. Its been 4 days NC. Wanted to know if he/family is being affected by the virus.

I have a client not much older than me on a ventilator.

I work in a field that should be locked down to urgent care only but we are not. We are seeing routine healthy visits and that continues to put me and the rest of the staff here at higher risk than necessary. We don't have masks. I'm trying to keep my distance but it is impossible not to have to get close at times and handle things they have touched.

The fear is real. I leave my home everyday and I'm risking my life with routine stuff. I'm totally on board with being available for urgent care items - that's my job and oath I took.

I just want to let H know. I want that shoulder of support. I know its completely stupid. He is not mine for emotional support. It hurts even more under these circumstances.

His puppy was ill all weekend. I had to clean up stompped in feces more than once with complete breakdown of cage, scrubbing and then cleaning the dog. That was followed by cleaning up tons of vomitting. Being up all night dealing with vomitting and now leaving him all day so I can be at work.

I was brave, exhausted and emotionally torn up. I did not give in even once to text H about anything.

I have to remind myself that he also has not checked in to see if he needs to help with puppy. I realize that I have forced his hand to leave me alone and give me space - so yes I asked him to stop contacting me. But, even before then not a hint about this dog or what I needed. I realize his selfishness. I'm angry at it. I realize this puppy is mine. I'm the one its bonded too.

I suppose this pandemic is making it harder on me emotionally.

I told myself on the way to work that I am the gem. I am the one to be valued. I am the prize. I am worthy.

Last edited by job; 03/30/20 02:14 PM. Reason: edited language with proper name for bodily function
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Give him a deadine on the puppy. "You have until X date to get the puppy or he will be rehomed."

Sorry about the fear. I can't really speak to it because I do not fear the virus. Life to me is a trip, not the final destination. I actually am much more fearful of people and society's reaction to the virus. But that is just me and my perspective, I can't expect everyone to approach the way I do.

I want to thank you for working in the medical field through the pandemic. Obviously take all of the precautions necessary.


M(53), W(54),D(19)
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Originally Posted by kitkat
I told myself on the way to work that I am the gem. I am the one to be valued. I am the prize. I am worthy.
Yes, you are. You are the prize, you are the one to be valued. Keep telling yourself that every day, every hour. Your self-worth is far more than he will have you believe. You are doing an amazing job, looking after you, looking after a puppy, and looking after the people in your community. You have no idea what a gem you are to all those people right now, but you are. Stay strong and stay safe. And thank you for putting yourself in such a vulnerable place for our safety around the world. {{ Hugs }} x


M:49 H:49
T:20 M:18
D:16 D:14

EA: Feb 2019-May 2020
Separated: Mar-early Aug 2020
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Originally Posted by Steve85
Give him a deadine on the puppy. "You have until X date to get the puppy or he will be rehomed."

Sorry about the fear. I can't really speak to it because I do not fear the virus. Life to me is a trip, not the final destination. I actually am much more fearful of people and society's reaction to the virus. But that is just me and my perspective, I can't expect everyone to approach the way I do.

I want to thank you for working in the medical field through the pandemic. Obviously take all of the precautions necessary.


Steve if it were just me... then what happens happens..

But what happens to my son??? I'm all he has right now. Leaving him at a young age to navigate to world without his mother is something I wouldn't wish on anyone.

My safety and well being is 100% to keep my son safe.

I have accepted that the puppy is mine. We went into together to have this puppy - our last puppy, his hunting dog, the replacement for the companion he lost. He knows I never expected to raise this puppy alone. We both had demanding work schedules but between the two of us we had been getting the job done. I will not re-home the dog. I am committed to making this work. The burden along with the added stress of the S and A, crazy work schedule, pandemnic it was not ideal for me at all. BUT, that puppy is bonded to me - he has a forever home.

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S and A?


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Originally Posted by Steve85
S and A?


Separation and Affair

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Ok....I don't see why you wouldn't want D at this point but I guess that is your choice.


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KitCat, I’m so sorry that you have to go to work with a fear of getting sick yourself. I’ve read about doctors going home and living in tents outside of their homes!! I wish there were more protective gear for everyone who’s on the front lines.

And it’s terrible that under such circumstances you can’t even reach out to the one person you thought would be there for you.....

Hoping you and your son continue to stay healthy and safe through all of this. You will come out stronger.


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Originally Posted by Steve85
Ok....I don't see why you wouldn't want D at this point but I guess that is your choice.


Your right its semantics...

Right now with the court we are in legal S ---- he hasn't changed it yet. He acted like he wasn't going to but even if he wanted the courts are closed right now. That's why I said S.

While my H has waffled back and forth over time and even at one point stated that we are getting D. That legal S states that the M could be saved and he knows we are getting D, I've always said I wanted legal S. I want a cooling off period. I want time apart. I have never wavered. I have been consistent when he asks over and over again why its so important to me.

Who knows... in the cooling off period I may just decide we have to D. I just don't want to make a decision based on a knee jerk reaction based solely on emotion. I want to make a decision without emotion and time apart will help me get to that place.

From his last text 4 days ago he is still planning on moving. I accept that he has no hope for a future with me. I would be dishonest to state that I hope that would change. While I have come to accept that only person I can control is myself and I have to get to a place where I have to be okay on my own, I have to have hope that maybe he would change his mind about our M.

Isn't that what I am to be doing? Hoping for the best and expecting the worst?

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