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cardinal #2891006 03/30/20 07:24 PM
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I had to address rent increase with H today, because I realized we needed to change the amount on our auto bill pay and couldn't do it from my end due to some weird bank thing, even though we have a joint account. He hadn't seen the email the landlord sent and, to my surprise, said, "That's expensive. That svcks." I said, Yeah, but it's still less than every other place on the market.

An hour later he came outside to tell me he emailed the landlord, told her we both lost our PT jobs (guess he forgot mine was FT) and that we're getting a divorce, and she agreed to not raise the rent. He said, "Just to let you know." I didn't act phased and didn't really say anything. He went back inside.

Why have hope? Remind me again how this could ever work out in the future. H seems normal sometimes and lost others. He hasn't brought up D since November. I am spiraling and don't know what to do. I don't understand why he won't file or talk about it (until now), what he thinks the near-future is going to look like (MO--when? He clearly has no idea how expensive the market is now if he thought our rent was going to be expensive.

Ugh.


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019
cardinal #2891008 03/30/20 07:33 PM
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Cardinal,

There will be times when you will see a bit of normal/clarity w/your h. Then there will be other times that he is off in wild blue yonder.

Maybe the reason that he has not brought up a D recently is because you aren't pressuring him for answers to questions that he really doesn't have an answer to right now. Generally, they rant and rave about a divorce when they feel pressures to straighten up and act like their old selves.

I would suggest that you take a moment and just breathe! He's still there and he did speak to the landlord about it. BTW, the landlord may have already opted not to raise the rent because of the current health crisis and not because your h spilled his guts to him about the situation going on between the two of you.

Sit quietly, the answers will come when you least expect them. The more you try to figure him out, the more frustrated and anxious you will become. Take it one day at a time because the past is gone, today is a present/gift and tomorrow needs to be allowed to reveal itself in due time.

Stay safe and continue as you have been.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
cardinal #2891015 03/30/20 07:42 PM
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I’m planning to call the landlord and thank her and tell her I’m planning on staying no matter what. I don’t want her to think she needs to find new tenants.

I’m now angry that H didn’t tell me beforehand he was emailing her to say we’re getting a D and ask her not to raise the rent. We are both tenants here. Should I ask him to include me in communication w/ her in the future? Or just tel the landlord my intentions and let it go?

He sounded angry at the landlord for dating to raise the rent once in 8 years. Maybe he’s stressed about money and what D will mean financially and so he just fired that email off to her? Maybe he’s more stressed about everything than he appears and this brought it out?

I really wanted to say, oh, this divorce is still happening? When are you actually going to act? I don’t want to just go back to pretending nothing is wrong, having polite convo with him, acting like we’re friends, etc.


T: 16 M:10
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cardinal #2891017 03/30/20 08:02 PM
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If I were in your shoes, I would call the landlord and advise her that you are planning to remain a tenant no matter what happens. I would also thank her for not raising the rent at this time. No matter what you say to your h, he is going to do the exact opposite of what you want. So, I would let it go. Is there any way that you can ask the landlord to keep you in the loop?

Well, of course he sounded angry...how dare she raise the rent after 8 years! That's additional money that he wasn't counting on spending on something that isn't fun and exciting. He's not thinking clearly and please remember, they are emotional and it doesn't take much to set them off on a tangent. You will probably see/hear more of this in the months ahead. He's feeling trapped and he won't admit it, but scared too. He's seeing people in hospitals, people dying and the world is out of control right now because of the virus. There is no order and until things settle back into the "normal" stage, his plans for the future are on hold and that's driving him nuts.

They love to announce to the world that they are getting a divorce. Reminds me of a boy/girl scout getting a merit badge and how proud that they are of earning it. They want the world to know that they are finally going to be free to do whatever they want...unfortunately if a divorce should come to pass, that sweet little euphoria high that they have will eventually go away, usually about 6-9 months. The real world bursts into that la la land and responsibilities and bills, etc. still need to be paid. Can't live in la la land forever and that's when you'll see a stressed and unhealthy man walking around. They can't burn the candle at both ends because it will eventually catch up w/them.

So, for now, just continue as you have been and do not allow his announcing his plans for a divorce to rattle you. The courts are closed and nothing is going to happen for a few months. Poor man, close quarters will absolutely drive him up the wall.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
cardinal #2891018 03/30/20 08:04 PM
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Sorry—still going. I feel like he’s treating me like a kid again, “taking care” of things with the landlord and then telling me “just so I know.” IMO she should be able to raise rent whether or not we’re D—if he can’t deal with the increase, that’s his problem, not hers. The financial crisis is another story, but I think he was just throwing out anything he could to get sympathy and does seem to enjoy telling others about D and probably weaving some story about how he would have done it but he can’t kick me out or something. Does anyone he talks to see through this? He has a different excuse every time for 10 months in why he hasn’t filed.

I want to call our mutual friend to vent, the one I usually talk to over dinner, but I know he’s still hanging out with her. Maybe that’s not a good idea now. I know she thinks he’s being ridiculous. I just feel like I have no one to talk to here, and it’s SO hard being in the house with him already.

I know DBing is for me and not the M, but in moments like this I just throw up my hands cry. I can’t believe this is the person I married. I can’t believe all of his good memories are buried. I can’t believe I don’t know him anymore.

I know you said to breathe, Job. There’s so much stress from every angle now. I’m trying. I’m trying to remember I just have to outlast this, but it doesn’t seem like there will be an end.


T: 16 M:10
BD 6/2019
cardinal #2891020 03/30/20 08:23 PM
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Can you take a walk? Can you take the car and drive around for a while just to have a change of scenery? Being cooped up w/an irrational man/child will absolutely drive you nuts. You need to have an outlet...even if it's going to a drive thru and getting a cup of coffee.

Do not call your mutual friend. If she's still hanging out w/him, she may tell him about the conversation. It's best to continue posting here to vent and talk to us.

They do like to get sympathy from others because they want people to think that they are the victims. Eventually people will put two and two together and come to realize he's off the wall, but it's going to take some time for that to happen. We, the rational people, know that if you want a divorce, you think about it, do the research and do the hard work to get it completed. MLCers are off the wall and bounce around so much because their brains are fried or should I say that all the wiring is knotted up and short circuiting.

Your h is trying to control the money situation and by crying to the landlord, she may have felt bad about the entire situation, but you can follow up and speak to her about your staying there regardless if looney tune does.

Find a way to get out of the place for a bit. You will feel so much better getting out and getting some fresh air.


Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to.
The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
cardinal #2891030 03/30/20 09:07 PM
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Thank you, job. It is so necessary to be able to vent here in these times especially! I really appreciate your rational responses. I was already on a walk and was able to talk to my mom. I take lots of walks now to get out of the house. I called the landlord too and said that we appreciate her gesture and that no matter what happens with H, I plan on staying. I also asked her to keep both of us in the loop. She wished me luck and said let's revisit this in 6 months. They really are amazing landlords, and I can't believe H was upset about it. But you're right--that's less fun money for him and more reality.

Since I got back from the walk H has been extra friendly and chatty, acting like nothing is weird. I acted normal as well. How can he think it's normal to bring up D, then not go on to explain where he is in the process of D or what he envisions once the world is back to normal? Or why he hasn't filed when he said he wouldn't wait until after Christmas? It's mind-boggling. I'm working on accepting it. I know that he isn't rational, but it again doesn't sink in fully when he seems so rational in other ways.

I appreciate the friendliness because I don't want to go back to angry, cold H, but it's also feels like he's being friendly because none of this really bothers him. He doesn't love me. I don't fully believe it, because I can remember what it was like before. But that doesn't matter in the face of his conviction otherwise. D is just another bargaining chip with our landlord--or maybe he just felt like telling someone new because he's stir-crazy. Sometimes I think he has to think he's taking action.

And job, what you say about the state of the world is so true. Maybe he is scared somewhere inside. So many people are dying, and there's no hiding from the fact that life is always fragile and tenuous, and even moreso now. I'm still grieving hard over the loss of our M--the grief seems fresh again because life is so short. It makes me want to reach out to the people I love, including H and his mom. I'd already been missing him and even his mom when I woke up this morning. But H instead brings up D.

MLC, breakdown, crisis. I don't know. I guess it all seems like they will never come back until they actually do start to come back. I have to outlast. But this pandemic makes me even more sad and impatient.


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cardinal #2891044 03/31/20 12:38 AM
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And now our cat has a tumor that needs to be removed. Wednesday. May or may not be malignant. These cats are like our children. H was lightly concerned and then said he hopes it’s not a lot of money. It is. I started crying and went in the other room. He got on the phone with a friend. I left. I don’t know how to face this alone. I was already feeling bad. I don’t know if H can’t add this to his plate and show proper love and concern or not. I had to put another pet to sleep this summer by myself and H showed no feeling until he had to bury it and then he fell apart. I’m so exhausted. I can’t face going home and crying by myself in my room.

Last edited by cardinal; 03/31/20 12:39 AM.

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cardinal #2891046 03/31/20 12:49 AM
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Originally Posted by cardinal
Since I got back from the walk H has been extra friendly and chatty, acting like nothing is weird. I acted normal as well. How can he think it's normal to bring up D, then not go on to explain where he is in the process of D or what he envisions once the world is back to normal? Or why he hasn't filed when he said he wouldn't wait until after Christmas? It's mind-boggling. I'm working on accepting it. I know that he isn't rational, but it again doesn't sink in fully when he seems so rational in other ways.

Hi Cardinal, I’m so sorry if I sound like a broken record about how similar our situations are. H in the span of 2 days went from asking if I wanted to share some wine, dinner etc...to going shopping for us and picking up stuff on my list (I’m at a high risk level for the virus) AND even offered to get stuff for a fam member in quarantine. When he got home he couldn’t wait to tell me a “joke” he made and referred to me boldly as his EXwife. HILARIOUS I’m still laughing. (Not) ...we don’t even have a SA. I get the anxiety that comes with seeing the rational behaviour mixed with irrational and it makes me also wonder what the heck other people are believing. Unfortunately, it doesn’t really matter...people will believe what they want. I have to constantly remind myself of that one.

You prob remember how my H has been literally harassing me to get a lawyer since month 3 I’d say. I got one over 3 weeks ago and she contacted him. What do you think happened?? CRICKETS .....nothing. It’s taking every ounce of me to not say so where’s your lawyer? When does she plan on responding? Harass him like he harassed me. Instead I say nothing because I know he’ll have some smart a$$ answer that will just upset me. Two days ago he decided he needed to be “productive” (his words) and proceeded to buy boxes and has been taking apart and packing up the garage and his bedroom ever since...and then tonight he asks me if I would like him to do extra food for my dinner. I honestly can’t keep up ...so I’ve stopped. Yes it still bugs me and hurts everyday, but I let it all go past my eyes or in one ear and out the other and just remind myself that I don’t want whoever this person is right now. I’m the prize ....just like YOU are the prize.
Originally Posted by cardinal
But this pandemic makes me even more sad and impatient.

This will sounds silly and my intention is not to make any light of the seriousness of the current situation the world and we all find ourselves in ...but I’ve kinda started to look at the past few months of my MLC H situation as a training lesson in EXTREME patience for what we are now facing globally. We must all shut down to survive. His MLC now seems like a serious game of survivor OUTWIT, OUTLAST, and OUTPLAY. As many on here advise play for yourself, not him. Protect yourself both financially but just as importantly emotionally. This situation is brutal enough without now being forced to be stuck in the same house....truthfully we couldn’t write a better movie script. Find your hobbies, make new ones, I’m huge into up-cycling right now...I love being crafty. Clean the crap outta things around your house. Garden when you can, read when you can’t. Allow this time to completely indulge one person - YOURSELF.
I wish we could do that ‘wife swap’ show and just trade our Hs ....they could live together and play video games and the LBSs could live together and get on with life.
You’ve got this Cardinal - just get the focus back to you.

cardinal #2891047 03/31/20 12:54 AM
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Oh nooooo Cardinal you are really getting slammed right now. I wish I could hug you for real. I’m so sorry to hear about your cat...Do you have a close friend or family member you could lean on and not rely on any emotion from H? You don’t need this extra stress at such an awful time. I’m thinking of you and hope things go ok on Wed. I’ll stay online for a bit if you just wanna chat back and forth ..... (((Cardinal)))

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