No, he is divorced. He lives in a crappy 2 bedroom apt with his cousin in a crappy part of town. Much different lifestyle than she is used to living with me. I am sure that's part of the reason she was/is cake eating.
His W cheated on him from what I have heard...years ago. My W definitely dropped some ranks too by going with him. Big, ugly dude. I don't get it. Her friends don't either. But she did it...for a year.
kto626 I'm a little further ahead of your sitch I think and our sitchs are similar apart from you've set a lot of boundaries whereas I didn't want to get tangled up in them so didn't set any/many. NC and staying strong is so tough but I wish I'd done more of it, more validation and less getting dragged into conversation - the WW seems to be good at engaging with her H by starting on a topic that may get his attention. Whenever I sought strength to do it well, W came running back for attention. When I got enough attention I would relent/give in, talk to her and the dance would start again. I think my W had guilt too so eventually it felt like I would 'fill her up' and she could go off to OM again with less guilt. I wish I'd been harder on the whole thing.
Your W will cake eat, and she will only have romantic thoughts for one man at a time. Expect the worst. Expect her to be contacting and seeing OM regularly. Either contacting or seeing him are equally as bad at keeping her from wanting to come back to you. She has to get it out of her system and it will take time. I should have laid out my criteria for coming back to me, applied NO pressure and started NC.
In my sitch the OM is the complete opposite to me, mostly in bad ways the same as yours. I think WWs get what they are missing at home. In my case it was the empowerment of W by OM for being the leader, the one that was looked up to, the one that wore the trousers and provided care. I'm not suggesting you try and compete with the OM - not at all, but helps to understand it. Affairs are like drugs, she is an addict who will lie and cheat until she feels her plan B is disappearing and she is out of options. And even though you can't understand it she will act strangely and have bad withdrawal for a long time after. Feel free to ask me Qs because I feel I could have done a better job earlier on (although you've got plenty of great advice from the vets above).
I think she is so traumatized by what she has done and the guilt,
Wishful thinking, KTO. She is not traumatized whatsoever! The guilt isn't eating her alive. If she feels any guilt whatsoever at this stage.....it isn't much. I know......all you H's want to think guilt is driving her to act illogically, but that's just not the case in most instances. You are the logical LBH trying to make sense of his WW actions, and you can't do it. I can spend hours trying to help a LBH understand, and he'll turn right around and ask about something I've just tried to explain. B/c he is seeing her as the old W he married, and he is too emotionally attached to her. That's why you have to emotionally detach from the drama she tries to bring. You can't rationalize crazy!
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I know she wants her cake and eat it too, but why does she think this will still work? Why does a WW not understand that there are only 2 people in a marriage?
She understands plenty. This is a wayward W choosing from her own free will. She's not contacting you out of guilt. She wants back into her own bed in her own house. It probably cramps her style staying at her parents.
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I realize she had 3, but I didn't know, and now that I do, is she really believing it can stay that way?
She thinks she is smart enough to pull it off. WW's think they are smarter than the LBH.
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My W definitely dropped some ranks too by going with him.
Classic for WW's. It's not about the OM's looks or money. It's all about how he makes her feel. And, if he stops, she'll find OM #2 or OM #3, until she has strong enough consequences to smack reality in her face. Until then, she's going to play the LBH for a fool, and use as many benefits as she can get from him.
